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|
TITLE
Incarnate |
AUTHOR
Noah
Smithy |
DESCRIPTION
Kelly Spanya, a mid twenties young lady, is
going on a mountain expedition in the Himalayas with an explorer group. When her boyfriend
Napoleon Stone, sees her kissing the leader of her expedition group at the airport, he
leaves, buys some heroin and a gun, gets high, then kills himself. His spirit is then
dragged down to hell by demons. In hell, an old man's spirit tells him how to come back to
life and gain immortality eating human hearts. The old man's spirit then tells Napoleon
how to get back up to earth. The man's spirit and the old man's spirit make a deal. The
man decides to start in Tibet... will be finished later. [3,000 words, Rated R] |
READERS'
REVIEWS
"Man this stunk! I can't describe to
you how lame your writing is. Very 1st draft. So poor. So lame. Too much description. I
could go on. Trust me. Quit now. You're wasting everyone's time." -- Billy Bo Biff,
Colorado, USA
"I was just wondering, was the story lame
or was it the writing style?" -- Author
"First thing that needs to go here: The
Plot. Get a new one... a better one. Secondly, the dialogue is very weak. I get no feeling
of motivation for anything said. And, in your attempt to make the dialogue realistic, you
end up with a group of potty mouths. I know the Blair Witch Project was highly praised by
many people, but swearing doesn't equal realism. Work on it." -- John, Marietta,
Georgia, USA
"Hell, I didn't think it was THAT
bad." -- Turk
"Thanks for the comments everybody. I will
work on it. I didn't think there was that much profanity though (I'll cut some out if
needed). Anyways, I don't want to make this a horror plot. More a thriller. I hope to
finish the rest of it pretty soon. Thanks again." -- Author
"That just... just... I wish I could use
some intelligent words here but that just sucked!" -- Meg
"Absolutely bollocks! Give up writng now
you useless sack of granny crust. It is cheesy, corny and downright mess! You are a
useless dog sniffing arse bandit and the script is crap!" -- Melon and Turnip,
Southampton, Hampshire, England
"The script in it's current state is
pretty rough. You need to tell your story and keep things moving. There's the
old saying, show me don't tell me. At one point you say "We can tell he's not
very happy." How do we see this? You don't need to tell us this, show
this by having him do something that shows us he's unhappy. Also, you need to read a
lot of scripts (drews-script-o-rama has lots for free). You have a tendency to
direct, which really slows down the reading of the script. I don't like your use of
"We see..." When you do that it feels like you're directing. You
should be telling your story not telling us what "we" see. Your opeing
scene, too, is to "on the nose." "We've been over this a million
times." If they've been over it a million times why do they need to go over it
again? It's clearly for exposition only. Again, you should be telling your
story, if you're going to have exposition it should be pushing the story along at the same
time. Open! with a bang, get people interested." -- Ashley Meyers, Hollywood,
California, USA
"I gotta admit the plot was absolutely atrocious, but you've
got an ear for dialogue, that's for sure. It wouldn't make a bad comedy......you
should get in touch with the creators of South Park, I'm sure they could make this into a
disgusting cartoon." -- Dexter Crimson, Chicago
"Everybody's being
too hard on the poor guy. He doesn't have to be "poetic" when describing the
"scenes" here since he's writing a screenplay, not a novel! This text would be
for directors to read. He just has to give a clear (straightforward) guide-line about the
scenery. Ok, the story is poor, but what about his style? Clearly, he doesn't master the
English language well enough. He lacks vocabulary. Had he more vocabulary, I'm sure his
style wouldn't be considered so poor (I'm talking about his style, not the plot). Keep on
working, Noah!" -- Jrodegheri, S�o Paulo, S.P., Brazil
"One thing that will
help Noah is his adherance to standard script format. The material itself, whether
deemed good or bad by the reviewer is subjective as all reviews are, but the format of the
script is an issue here. Noah should spend some time reviewing and understanding
basic script format. Some people will not read his script for that reason alone.
When the script arrives at the level it needs to be one of the things that will be
looked at first and foremost is the format. I started to read Noah's script and
stopped. The main reason is it is not formatted correctly. Regardless of what
I may or may not have thought, I was wasting my time, no producer willing to spend
millions of dollars considers this script seriously." -- Rob Lepsi, Chicago,
Illinois, USA
"Tell me, what do you
do when you're not pulling crap plots out your ass. This sucks more than a German Porn
Star. I truly felt that wiping my ass with a cheese grater would be more fun." --
Verbal, Soton, UK
"I feel many of the
comments posted were not warranted. I've never experienced thoughts such as the ones
I've found here...much less post them! I feel the author would benefit from
constructive advice. I'd be interested in reading the works of those who have
offered their criticism." -- Andrea, Las Vegas, Nevada, USA
"All right, I think
that to put your work up for review is a brave thing, so props for that. That said,
this plot really needs work. I think you should study the delivery of good writing,
and inculcate it in your work. But don't even think about quitting, ya heard?"
-- Sean Knight, Louisville, Missouri, USA
"It's amazing what
strong reactions this seems to have evoked in the reviewers! Go on, you guys, don't hold
back, tell us what you really think! Here are my own slightly more restrained comments. I
can see that you haven't read other film scripts very much but contrary to someone above I
don't think that is important if you've got a worthwhile idea. What I think is wrong is
that the central idea is taken too literally and too seriously. Someone suggested to turn
it into an episode of Sout Park. Well, maybe, but if you don't want to do that how about
setting up a bit more ambiguity, so that we're not sure if Napoleon really killed himself
or if he's just having an hallucination. Suppose it was acid or some hallucinogenic he got
instead of heroin, because he's completely innocent of the effects of street drugs? Then
you could have two stories going on at the same time, Napoleon's world of demons and
heart-eating and the notionally "real" world in which we see (perhaps) a
relationship developing between Kelly and the expedition leader. Then, somehow, you bring
the two worlds together. As it stands I think the plot is too literal and unconvincing. I
didn't think the opening scenes were too bad but the dialog definitely doesn't sound right
yet. Needs more work: fewer expletives, more put-downs and wit I think." -- David
Gardiner, London, England
"One of the most
laughable pieces of fiction I have ever read. Its bound to get made!" -- Mark Carter
"Hey! That script was
so cooool... for a comedy! /Johan Yesper2Go Productions [www.yesper2go.dk]" --
Johan |
COPYRIGHT
NOTICE
� 1999 Noah Smithy |
STORYMANIA
PUBLICATION DATE
August 1999 |
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TITLE
Feets! Don't Fail Me Now |
AUTHOR
David
Trotman |
DESCRIPTION
The story of a fugitive slave and a native
American woman pursued across time and space by corporate icons, slave-catchers and
Hollywood producers. This is satire so I hope you got a couple of good laughs out of it.
I'm particularly interested in hearing what people outside the U.S. think of Feets! The
dialect may be a bit of a rough go, but I doubt you'll read a more original tale. [16,000
words] |
READERS'
REVIEWS
"Well, it's a hell of a lot better than
'Empty Chambers'." -- Magnus Duke McDowell, Milwaukee, Wisconsin, USA
"I thought that was very well written, more
people should read it. I liked the beginning" -- Neelia, USA
"... your script [has] a lot of
potential..." -- Fred, USA
"This was very well
written as a story and in the script format.I could easily tell that there was obviously
pure talent behind the words I read." -- Brian Coppola, Howell, New Jersey, USA
"Hmm I thought it was
pretty funny! If you don't manage to sell it, it could make a lekker stage play. Just need
a good set designer and you're away. Okay, film would be better but..." -- Goda, Cape
Town, Western Cape, South Africa
"I guess I've been
watching too much porn, but this story just seems to wait too long between anything
happening. Just too much bumbling with the bra to get me excited. Swifter hands
mate... swifter hands needed." -- Long Beach, California, USA |
COPYRIGHT
NOTICE
� 1999 David Trotman |
STORYMANIA
PUBLICATION DATE
Revised October 1999 |
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TITLE
The Black And The White Balloon |
AUTHOR
Eric P Vana |
DESCRIPTION
About a boy, and his disastrous decisions,
maybe. [7,600 words] |
READERS'
REVIEWS
"Rather good. I enjoyed the reoccurring
narration that reveals a little bit more every time; seemingly what Wolfgang is able to
admit to himself and therefore us. Freaky, hypnotic, angry. The dark figure digging his
way out of the situation in the dream was very ingenious." -- Pepe Agular, Paguate,
New Mexico, USA
"Jeezus christ. That was uhm... it was
ummmm... it was beautiful man!!!!? Sometimes you just freak me out" -- Aileen, USA
"With a little revision and some slick
advertising, this could be BATMAN: THE BABY YEARS! Think about it, dude. I mean, the
implications are mind-boggling." -- Fred, USA
"It was actually very good. The writer has
some very high potential. The dream sequences spoke to me the most." -- Fizzgig
McArthur
"Whoa! I have to say that I enjoyed it
greatly. Good job! I'll direct the movie I have a couple ideas." -- Libby, USA
"Hey, Just one question. Is this
"Wauwatosa" Place real or fiction?" -- Fizzgig Mcarthur
"Mr. McArthur, Wauwatosa of course, is a
real city, but I would just like to say that in my screenplays, it is both a real city,
and an imaginary city. Thanks for the comments everybody." -- Author's comments,
August 1999
"Hmm, Author, I noticed certain
similiarities between your style of writing and that of the late Velvet Jones, reknowned
Harlequin author. Is there any chance you sell ho's?" -- Dan, Wauwatosa, Wisconsin,
USA
"Excellent! Very creative, Har Har!"
-- Phil
"Not a bad piece of
writing - for a first draft. Could do with some improving. Tell us about the girl, is she
pretty? Does Wolfgang like her? What kind of house so they live in? is it big/small -
expensive/cheap? So much is left unanswered." -- Andy Finn, Birmingham, West
Midlands, England
"Well, what can I
say? It was highly enjoyable. Very original. Indeed, your quite
talented. I'll be submitting a sample of my work pretty soon. I'd love for you to
tell me what you think about it. Keep up the good work." -- Michael Harris, Detroit,
Michigan, USA
"It's kinda funny,
Eric/Bowen, that this whole bit sounds like my movie Tarnish. The one that Joe was
in. Yeah. But it's ok, because I didn't even know this existed." -- Paige
"I like that song at
the end. and yes, the resemblance to paige's movie is creepy. But I know yours came first,
and is MUCH much better. Bravo" -- Erin |
COPYRIGHT
NOTICE
� 2000 Magnus Duke McDowell |
STORYMANIA
PUBLICATION DATE
Revised December 1999 |
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TITLE
The Child Eater |
AUTHOR
Barry Lyndon |
DESCRIPTION
A comedy/drama loosely based around several
medieval stories that the author read ont he internet, only modernized. In it a group of
13 year olds attempt to locate a man that has come to their small town and abducted kids,
one being their friend. The man is symbolized as a monster, which is what they think he
is. It is a entertaining story, yet a commentary on the innocence of childhood, and their
struggle to stop a "monster".
[4,300 words, unfinished] |
READERS'
REVIEWS
"Good job deary (I really mean it).
It was great. If it were a movie I'd go see it. Uhm... buhbye" -- Aileen, USA
"I think with a little work, this could
really become the next AIR BUD. Or at least, if we were to change the ending into one that
included *THE CAT-MAN* doing a little public service announcement on recycling, we could
whip it into a pretty decent after-school special. Babe, my people will call yours,
kay?" -- Kyle and Fred, USA |
COPYRIGHT
NOTICE
� 1999 Barry Lyndon |
STORYMANIA
PUBLICATION DATE
June 1999 |
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TITLE
L.O.S.T. |
AUTHOR
Jeremy
Johnson |
DESCRIPTION
A short movie that my Club is making, about the
effects a lot of money can have on friends. [4,150 words] |
READERS'
REVIEWS
"Fantastic screenply. It was well written
and had a very surprising ending. Good job." -- Nick
"Good job....I thought this was a great
screenplay. Good plot and realistic characters. I liked the ending especially. Keep
going!" -- Chesterton P. Limeregis, Midlands, England
"This is a really
good screenplay. I enjoyed it a lot but found it confusing with the names all
starting with "j" but hey it doesn't matter. I loved it, nice
ending." -- Joe H.
"Really good stuff.
Money is the root of all evil and it can tear apart even the best of friends.
You explore this theme really well and the poor bastard doesn't even get to keep
the cash in the end. One suggestion: since Justin winds up being the main character,
it might be better to open the movie with him calling everyone instead of Jeremy." --
Dexter Crimson, Chicago
"An interesting plot
which keeps one engaged throughout. The twist at the end was especially good and not quite
predictable. Heartening to note that Daniel had faithful friends too. Excellent work with
some cleaning up. Enjoyed it. thanks." -- Govinda, Singapore
"Jeremy, if you were
born on 10/09/1983 please, please contact me immediately." -- Shelle, Ogden, Utah,
USA |
COPYRIGHT
NOTICE
� 1999 Jeremy Johnson |
STORYMANIA
PUBLICATION DATE
June 1999 |
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TITLE
Dreadlock |
AUTHOR
Stephen
Herczeg |
DESCRIPTION
Dreadlock, cybernetically enhanced, a force to
be reckoned with. An attempted break-in leads him to a web of secrets. To solve the puzzle
he must face enemies beyond his imagination. Sci-Fi/Action in 21st century Australia.
[24,600 words] |
READERS'
REVIEWS
"Excellent, this is great! I really enjoyed
it - great film potential!" -- Sandy MacAulay, Aberdeen, Aberdeenshire, Scotland, UK
"I loved every second
of reading it. It should be made into a film right away, think of the money." -- Adam
Lujan, Tucson, Arizona, USA
"Quite good.
Needs more rimmings. I enjoy children in the morning." -- Mr Selbie, UK |
COPYRIGHT
NOTICE
� 1999 Stephen Herczeg et al |
STORYMANIA
PUBLICATION DATE
June 1999 |
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TITLE
Grim Monday |
AUTHOR
Barry Lyndon |
DESCRIPTION
A satiric script about death, while poking fun
at big studio action movies. A very black comedy. [3,000 words, rated R] |
READERS'
REVIEWS
"'like ewwww'-Jennifer.....uhm, you're
weird Mr abercrombie man-neelia" -- Jennifer & Neelia, Tosa, Wisconsin, USA
"Hey, this was most excellent, my friend!
Absolutely hilarious - it really should be at the cinema! I especially loved Death's
acolytes, wondeful characterisation!" -- Chesterton P. Limeregis, Midlands, England
"Don't write
"WE" in your action/descriptions... it will send your script straight into the
production co's garbage. Also, don't direct with your pen...don't write "Cut To"
or "close up", say: Johnny sees the pen...rather than "CUT TO: close up of
pen" Your job as a writer is to tell a story, make your script fun to read, it's hard
to visualize the script with all these stage directions and "we's" " --
Carly |
COPYRIGHT
NOTICE
� 1999 Barry Lyndon |
STORYMANIA
PUBLICATION DATE
July 1999 |
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TITLE
Lileet |
AUTHOR
Angel
Obregon |
DESCRIPTION
A demon lover story. [18,500 words] |
READERS'
REVIEWS
|
COPYRIGHT
NOTICE
� 1999 Angel Obregon |
STORYMANIA
PUBLICATION DATE
July 1999 |
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