White Thoughts (5) “To be so gorgeous?” “Shut up,” she said, smirking. “Come here.” I extended my arms to her and she fell against my chest. “Can we just lie for a bit?” She asked. I told her of course we could. My room was like a black abyss. The music had stopped. My fan was whirring. “Will you stay the night?” I asked. “I don’t know,” she said, squirming. I turned her on her side and caught her eyes. “No, please stay the night.” “We’ll see,” she whispered and kissed me. “Tell me something,” she said. “I want to know more about you.” I shrugged. “What do you want to know?” “Everything.” “Hah, everything.” “Like,” she said, swirling her finger on my chest, around random hairs dotting my nipples, “how many people have you had sex with?” “11,” I said. “Oh god, really? Wow.” “How many people have you had sex with?” She looked up at me, the whites of her eyes so huge. “Three, including you.” I smirked and held her close to me. “Turn over,” I said. “Okay,” she breathed. I took my penis, hardened again, and put it into her from behind and she bucked back in surprise. “Avon.. I’ve never done that before. I don’t know if it will work.” “It will, it will.” The perfection of this room, my beloved fan, the endearing night, and she in my arms. And this warmth… “I’ll make it work,” I said. I lifted her up and got on my knees. She collapsed on her knees and hands and moved back and forth against me until I slipped out, about thirty seconds later. “Perhaps,” she whispered, “you’re not hard enough. Her leg faltered a bit and she rested against the wall. “Wait a sec.” I lowered my hand and ran it along my shaft and the head of my penis as fast I could. She looked quizzical, even in the moonlight. “Are you trying to get me to give you a blow job?” “Hah!” I shook my head. “No… here, help me.” I snatched her hand and brought her against me. She gasped and slowly ran her hands across me. Within a minute, I was hard again and she was on her knees. I pounded into her, faster than before, and prayed for it to last. And it did, for about 2 minutes this time, before I flattened and tried to do something new. “Wait, wait,’ she said, breathing heavily. “I want to lie down again.” I nodded, my own breath caught in my throat. “Good idea.” She rested her head against my chest. “I’m sorry I can’t keep it up.” She shook her head and I could feel her hair swishing against my skin. “No, no, no. I’m sorry that I’m not…better.” I looked down at her. “Shush—“ “But I want to be!” she added, her hand running along my cheekbone. “I want to be better at sex, will you teach me?” “God,” I laughed. “What?” “Nothing.” I kissed her lips. “That’s just so god damn sexy.” She smirked and her little eyes squinted in the corners. “I want to be with you,” I whispered. She looked up at me, still smiling. “You are with me.” “Not like that,” I breathed, sighing into her ear. I could feel her body contracting and her heart opening. 21 I had turned her around so we were spooning while we slept. At around 4am, we both awoke, and hardened against the cheek of her butt, I tried to enter her again. She laughed and turned over. On the bottom, she closed her eyes and bit her lip and moved with me. Neither of us came and I collapsed again on top of her. “Have you ever come before?” I asked. “No,” she said, shaking her head and shrugging. She eyed me, her pupils darting back and forth. “Have YOU?” “Hah! Yes, silly one.” I kissed her forehead. She giggled and squirmed a bit and then balanced her head on her hand and studied me. “Are you always with a girlfriend?” I smiled and turned to her, mirroring her position. “No. I don’t have one now.” She rolled her eyes. “Well I know that now. But really.. when was your first one?” “Hah, well… I guess when I was 16?” She was smirking, her eyelashes dimming her eyes a bit. “That was the first time I had sex too—at the boarding school.” “You went to boarding school?” I nodded. “Oh yeah. Heh..” Her head fell from her hand and she balanced on my pillow. “What?” “I was just thinking.” I scooted up a bit, our eyes still connected, but my head a foot above hers. “Well,” she said, “Tell me what you were thinking?” “You really want to know?” She nodded vigorously and I laughed at her and then shook my head. “All right, well.. when I was 16, one of my teacher’s, who was pretty young, had a sister visit the school. My friends and I were pretty good friends with the teacher. She used to smoke us up and buy us alcohol all the time—“ “Oh yeah?” she chuckled. “Yeah. And after meeting her sister, I went home and the telephone rang. It was the sister calling, asking if I would fuck her.” “Whaaattt?” I settled into the pillow next to her and kissed her nose. “She told me,” I said, “that she wanted to fuck me all over the room in every way..and we did. I really learned how to have sex that night. I had to run out of there too, it was one of the scariest moments ever.” “Sounds like it,” Sasha whispered. I hugged her to me. “This is so surreal,” she whispered. “Shush.” “Okay…” She closed her eyes.. “All this excitement..I feel like painting.” My body twitched a bit and I wondered if she felt it. “You paint?” She nodded, stretching her body out. “Oils, watercolors, guache, everything……” She drifted off into sleep. A few minutes later, my eyes swirling and my chest hot, I drifted with her and dreamt of colors. 23 “Do you want orange juice?” Sasha nodded and sat up in bed, the sheets dropping to just about her hips. “Okay!” “All right, hold on.” I started to scoot out of bed and she stopped me, placing an arm about my chest. “Wait,” she whispered. I tackled her once more, pressed her into my pillow and kissed her red, sleepy mouth. “Now go.” Light had flooded the room. The darkness had completely faded and Sasha was still in my bed. “Wait!” she called. I turned, my hand already on the door knob. “Again?” “Aren’t you going to put clothes on?” “You think I should?” “Well,” she said, her eyes twitting about, “If you want to. Do you always walk around naked?” “Sometimes,” I shrugged. “And you don’t wear underwear.” She was smirking. I laughed, cocked my head downwards, and caught her eyes again. “No.” She was giggling when I left the room and still sun kissed and smiling when I returned. “You have long eyelashes,” I said, climbing back in bed. “Nah..” she sighed. “But I think if I really did, you wouldn’t be able to see my eyes as well. I’d look different.” I wrapped my arms around her shoulders. “What color are you eyes?” “What?” She was staring at me as she spoke and I was searching about her pupils for an answer. “You don’t know? They’re blue.” “No..” I whispered, “they’re more..” “Well, gray too—and green, depending on what I wear.” “Gorgeous,” I whispered. She just smiled and settled into my arms. “You live in New York now right?” she asked. I nodded, closing my eyes, and settling my head on the wooden ledge behind the bed. “Yes,” I answered. “I’m going there over break, I don’t know when though.” “Will you call me so I can see you?” She tensed a bit and I tightened my grip around her arms. “Really?” she murmured. “Yes.” “Well..okay then!” “Well, Sasha, shall we start our days?” “Start our day? Like, have sex again?” She asked, glancing up at me this time. “Well!” I laughed, “If you want to!” “Heh..” she broke my gaze. “No, I’m a bit sore. Is that all right?” “Silly..” I sighed. “Yes, it’s all right. You’re the boss.” We dressed and walked out the front door of the white house. She ran to her room to drop off her coat and met me at the cafeteria for breakfast. She found me soaking in the sun in the very corner when she met me. It was unbelievably warm outside when last night it had been so bitter cold. I had to squint every time I looked out the window. I edged my shoulder against the glass to feel more warmth and watched Sasha out of the corner of my eye as she ate the majority of her plate and mine. As we were leaving, we dropped off our trays and found ourselves heading to different doors with her dorm on one side of campus and mine in the opposite direction. “Well,” she said, “this is goodbye for now.” “Yes,” I answered. She paused at her door. “Oh,” I said, chuckling a bit. “I suppose you want a kiss goodbye.” Her face was rosy. She lifted upwards, placed her hands on my shoulders, and kissed me square on the lips. “Yes…” “Goodbye,” I said. She headed out with the wind tossing her hair about and the sun staring into her eyes. 23 The next time I saw Sasha was for a brief second in the cafeteria. She raised her head, opened her mouth to speak, and I ran right past her. I had been chasing Gretchen, who had just stormed off. Her friend had told her I was with Sasha. Later that evening, I ran into Sasha again, but at the coffee shop. We caught eyes and I smiled. I couldn’t help it. She looked good, a bit different. Her hair was swept back and she was wearing a chunky white sweater that fell off her shoulders. Her hands were wrapped around a whole wheat wrap and she was taking tiny bites. Gretchen was at my side. She noticed Sasha and must have stared at her or given her a look. Either way, Sasha lowered her head, dropped her sandwich in her plate, and sat immobile in the booth. “Come on,” Gretchen whispered in my ear and she led me past Sasha, who followed my gaze, and Gretchen and I sat at the opposite end of the coffeehouse in a circle of couches. “We will work past this,” Gretchen said, placing her hand on my knee. “Two years and going,” she said, winking. Her hand wrapped around mine and she squeezed my palm tightly. “WE can do this together. You owe it to me.” “Of course,” I said, nodding slowly. “Then everyone can be at peace, my friends, yours, our little circle…ah! Here comes our food!” 24 A month later, we were leaving for Christmas break. I had just turned in my last paper and was walking out of the English building when I spotted Sasha. We were the only ones on the straight path that dissected the center of campus. I smiled when I saw her. She made something of a smirk as well. When I walked up to her, she put her hand over her eyes. The sun was beating in her face. “Hold your paper over your eyes. It’ll work better.” “Heh.. yeah, you’re right.” She lifted her paper over her head. “You never came by to talk to me.” She had very little makeup on. It was early in the morning. Her face was flushed, the coming chills of winter had finally settled into an actual flurry of snow. The ground was blanketed in white. Our coats were both covered in white speckles. “I couldn’t.” I said. “Gretchen can’t take it.” She’d never made such steady eye contact with me. Her mouth was narrowly spaced. She never batted an eyelash or tilted her head. Sasha stared and I met her gaze. “Are you still going to New York?” I asked. “Yes, to visit friends. I’m really excited. It should be fun.” “What day?” “Not sure..” I stretched my arms up and she never moved. I let them fall to my sides. “Really?” “The first maybe. I leave campus tomorrow though. I’m dying to get out of here and this tiny enclosed space we’re always in….” “I know..” “Avon..” I parted my lips. She looked up and then down and clasped her hands behind her. But she never said anything. I hadn’t expected her to. When I met her eyes, they were a shining blue for the first time ever. It didn’t even matter. I didn’t try to memorize the swirls about her pupils because they next time I’d see her, they’ll have changed again. “I will probably see you before I leave,” she said. “Oh yeah?” She lowered her lashes over her eyes, but kept her gaze with me. Neither of us turned our heads until the wind was shouting in our ears and her paper was overdue. “We’ll be in the real world soon,” I said at last. “For a little while…” “There aren’t the rules of this place.” “Rules?” I paused. After a few moments, she shrugged and continued speaking. “We are in the real world Avon. Whether this place is sheltered or a bubble or anything, it isn’t a game.” Sasha bowed her head and chuckled for a second. She straightened back up and stared off into the distance, squinting. “Three and a half years and you haven’t realized! You can make anywhere you are real.” She turned at last and our gaze was broken. She had a paper to turn in after all. “I was real.”
Copyright © 2004 Natasha |