White Thoughts (4) She nodded, vigorously. “I’m great, great.” Every word she spoke, every syllable, even through her drunk state, was a sword directed towards me. Gretchen held her close and kissed her on the cheek and then turned the other way to talk to friends. I kept my eye on the knee high sock girl as if in a trance, waiting for her to speak. When she didn’t say anything, I wasn’t sure what to do. I must have been three or fours years older than her and I had no idea what to say. But there was nothing in my hands but the one beer and it was empowering to know that some self control, some shred of it, still lingered after all these years. “How’s your night been?” I asked. “Oh good, good! Just hanging out, y’know!” She rushed off then because a girl pulled her away. I watched them as they went. She was pulled into the corner and they started laughing. Sasha slapped her knees when she laughed, right at the edge where her tall, creamy sock ended. I discarded my beer and decided to take a few shots instead. I stood, motioned to Gretchen, and they were poured for me. I took two of whiskey and one of cherry vodka with Kelly, who had been standing nearby. After drinking, I balanced against the wall and waited for something, anything to hit me. “Hey.” I glanced downwards and she was next to me again. “Do you remember when we first met?” “Yes,” I said. “Do you remember that you told me I fascinated you?” I met her eyes and they were swirling green, grey, blue. I still couldn’t place the color. “Yes,” I breathed. Lost in a sea of voices. She trailed off again and I didn’t see her for a few minutes. When she reappeared, she was with someone else, a boy with shining blond hair and of small stature, but a few inches taller than her. They started kissing and touching in the middle of the room. She knocked him to the stairs and kissed him again. I slumped down to the couch and looked for Gretchen who had disappeared somewhere. Someone passed me a joint. It was Greg from English class. I wondered briefly where James or Freddy might be. They probably hadn’t even heard about the party because I had forgotten to tell them. I sucked hard on the end of it, so much, that I cashed it and the next person in line sighed and lifted up from the couch. I shrugged and dropped the roach into a beer can and left the house. Outside was dewy and cold. The chills of autumn were freezing over into what could become an earlier winter. It was packed outside too. People were just milling around everywhere. I rested against the end of a fence. “Hey, hey again.” “Hi,” I said, lowering my lashes as soon as Sasha appeared. “How are you?” “Wonderful. You seem to be having a pretty good time in there.” “Oh well, it’s okay. I just..” “Yeah,” I laughed. “It’s all right.” “I might leave soon actually.” I nodded and looked up to the sky. “Well it is getting pretty late.” “Are you doing something with Gretchen after the party?” I met Sasha’s eyes again and balanced my head against the fence. She was so, so stark suddenly and her face was white as a sheet, save for two round circles of red dotting her cheeks. “Maybe..” I breathed. “Oh.” I’d never seen such eyes. There were familiar attributes of eyes present that I’d seen before: longing, weakness, confidence, openness…but on her, I almost had to break our gaze. I couldn’t hold it. I bit my lip and she noticed, biting her own in turn. “Don’t go home with him,” I said, wretchedly. “With who?” “The little guy.” “Oh,” she laughed, brushing her hair back with her hand and leaving it there, framing her face. “No…he’s just, nothing more than a friend. But..why does it matter?” I shook my head and imagined my heart thudding the opposite way and hitting the fence, knocking it off balance. “Just don’t.” She smirked. “Have fun with Gretchen,” she said and then left my sight. Holding the hands of her friends, she drudged up the hill and I remained at the fence until the party ended. 17 I was starting to dread nights and there wasn’t enough to do during the day. Not enough to wish they lasted forever anyway. I was starting not to notice the sun, perhaps because it was fading, and winter would fall like dead-weight in no time. The trees were already entirely bare and all the paths and roads and sidewalks were naked and weathered. It was getting too cold to skate. James was starting to feel weary about it anyway and skating alone was quickly becoming just entirely too unappealing. Everyone was submersed in work, even me, though I barely noticed. I was waking up each morning and watching my fan turn until someone knocked on the door. And on this particular day, I sat in the coffee shop, drinking coffee for once, and Sasha passed the window. She knocked on it with a tiny, white knuckled hand, smiling, and waving. I broke into a grin and was too stunned to wave back to her before I left. The day started to fade into evening then and the nights I dreaded seemed to be coming faster and faster. 18 Gretchen sat with me in my room while I typed on my typewriter. She was standing, waiting for something. “Are you ready to go yet? I could eat a fucking cow.” “I have to finish this sentence. I’m in a specific train of thought.” “Hmm..” she said, rummaging around behind me. “Is it possible to be in a thought?” I tapped so hard on the keys that the pads of my fingers were numbing. By the time I’d finished, Gretchen’s groans had become as part of the room as the whir of my fan. “All right, let’s go.” At the coffee shop, she was particularly quiet. Her pink gloved hands were wrapped around a whipped cream mocha and every time she sat it down, she took another bite of her sandwich or dipped a fry in blue cheese sauce and dropped it in her peach lined mouth. I drank straight black coffee and leaned as far back into the couch as I could. “What are you doing tonight? It’s Saturday, you know.” “I know. I’m not sure.” “My friend Henry invited me to go to the cocktail party.” I nodded and took one of her fries. “That sounds like fun.” “It’s um..” Gretchen paused and her eyes darted around the room. “Invite only though and no girls are invited. So, he’s my only invite in.” “Okay…” “In order to be a guy invited to the party, you’d have to be part of the frat.” “I guess I’m not going then,” I added, taking a large gulp of my coffee. “Is it all right if I go?” I sat the cup down, folded my hands in my lap, and then turned to her. She was looking at me, though only slightly, her eyes still darting like a freaking cat’s, all over the place. “Why are you asking me?” “Because—“ “I don’t care if you go. Go. I’ll probably just do nothing tonight.” “Avon.” Her face was very cross and pursed together. She was standing now. I kept my hands crossed but the dramatic lines of her face tensed my body up so much that I couldn’t move them any other way. “Let’s break up this weekend—for now.” “For now?” Gretchen nodded, sucked her lip in, and then sighed. Her last word was a choked, “Yeah..” “Have it your way,” I said, breaking her gaze, and downing the rest of my coffee. I’d already had five cups that day. My skin was shivering off my bones. “Fine,” she muttered and I could hear the jingle of the door as it opened and slowly dragged to a close. 19 James and Freddy took me to a larger frat that was having a dance party around midnight. We downed whiskey shots and smoked joints outside of the place before we went in. Inside, I was served the cheapest champagne imaginable and I sipped it slowly against the wall. People came up to me and left. I felt as if my lips were sewed shut and I said nothing to them. Freddy and James left my side almost immediately to find the girls they loved or other girls they could love. I remained at the wall for what must have been hours. The frat had gone all out for the party, buying four adjacently placed colored and flashing disco lamps that overwhelmed the room with light. But somehow everyone was like a silhouette and the bouncing and grinding was a sea of darkness, waving about. From the wall, there was more light and the bartender kept passing drinks off to me that I didn’t drink. Ralphy came up to me at one point and slapped a hand to my shoulder. I dropped my head to the side and stared at his hand until he removed it. He wrinkled his brow, frowned, and left. When I had had enough of the loneliness, I walked out the door, tossed my drink into the woods, and began trudging home. It was dead silent outside and dark as it had ever been. The winter was apparent increasingly more each day. On my way home, I passed another party going on in a much smaller atmosphere. There was music and dancing, but the majority of people were already drunk and leaving. It must have been after 2 am, but I pushed the people out of the way, and plodded down the path, my breath in my chest, and my hands suddenly iced over. I knew she was in there. I had scanned the other party all night and she hadn’t been there. I doubted she’d be at the invite only cocktail party. And as soon as I reached the door, she was on the other side of it, a jacket shrugged around her shoulders, and her head hanging. “Hey,” she said, looking up and brightening. “What’s up? How are you doing?” I grabbed her by the arm and pulled her outside. She stumbled a bit and stopped me, jerking her arm away. “Avon—what?” “Come home with me,” I gasped. “What?” She said, frowning, her eyes tiny and serious. Her face was barely flushed and mine, only red from the cold. “Gretchen and I broke up. Come home with me.” She shook her head. “Bull shit.” People opened the door, laughing and screaming. They spotted us, quieted, and then haphazardly stepped around us. The laughing continued before they were even out of our way. “You don’t believe me?” I inched so close to her that I could smell her breath. She breathed fumes of succulent apple and alcohol. I pressed my lips against hers and tasted from the tip of her tongue a rich, rich vanilla. I pulled away a bit then and she was still tense, still quizzical, and staring at me. “I wouldn’t do that if I was still with her. I’m not like that,” I said. I was so close to her that I could feel her body through her clothes. “But—I’m waiting for someone.” She glanced absent mindedly to the party adjacent to us. “Leave them. Please. Please. Please. Come home with me.” “I—“ I snatched her hand and she froze. “All right,” she said, nodding, and I took off with her. We bounded down the path and as soon as we reached the street, I heard her slightly behind me. She said, “This is a bad idea.” We reached the woods. I was taking her on a short cut. “Come here,” I breathed and took her against the line of a darkened house. There was one lamp a foot or two away from us, illuminating a spot we had avoided. We resided in its given darkness, right outside the circle of artificial yellow, basked in a natural moonlighted blue. I lifted my hands and cupped her face. Her lips were so red, even in the dark. I pressed them to mine and forgot about the color. I leaned against the house and she arched against me and I ran my hands all the way down her back and against her butt. Her body folded into mine. “Come on,” I said, and took her hand again. But she separated and we began jogging through the night, two flashes in the darkness. “I shouldn’t be doing this,” she said. “I have a boyfriend.” “Oh yeah?” I was so exhilarated, it didn’t matter. My heart was slamming against my rib cage. “What’s his name?” I stopped and glanced at her. She had stopped as well. Her hands were fists, plastered at her sides. The moon was out and it illuminated one side of her. She was so dark. Her hair, her stature. She bit the bottom of her full lips. “Actually, I don’t really have one.” “Hah!” I laughed. We continued walking and I shoved my hands into my pockets. “You’re so gorgeous,” I breathed. She shook her head, peering downwards. “Shut up, shut up.” “What?” She took a step towards me. We were already at least two feet apart. “I don’t know if I can do this.” “But I love you,” I said. “Fuck you,” she muttered and started trudging quickly the other way. “Fuck,” I murmured or perhaps hardly that. I thought it in my head and snatched her hand. “Hey, hey,” I breathed. “Ok, I don’t love you. I don’t even know you.” Her back was facing me and when she whirled around, hair darting across her face, and eyes white and abash, she opened her mouth and said, “I know.” I let go of her hand. “Please, come home with me. I really did break up with her.” She gulped, her neck quivering in the blue moonlight, just barely highlighted. “I’m already walking with you,” she breathed. We continued down a hill and past her dorm. I asked briefly if she’d be more comfortable there, but she shook her head and we headed to the white house. She nearly bounced down the hill. It was just her walk and her way. God, she was almost mine. On this glorious blue night, I was so close to having her. “So, so gorgeous.” She shook her head. “Stop saying that.” She was so tiny, so fragile. I wanted to swoop her away. “Do you know what I love? It’s three things.” “What?” “Skateboarding, writing, and dark haired women.” She opened her mouth and air escaped and then a sound. She was chuckling or giggling or something. My smile must have shown like iced razor blades in the dark. “I like dark haired men too.” “Hah! Oh you do?” Our eyes met. “I do,” she said. We reached the house and I opened the door. She walked inside without looking back at me and I took one last look at the outside world and the sane brushes of almost winter over every natural thing. And then I bid it all good bye and shut the door behind me. 20 “Should we go in?” She asked, her eyes darting away from me, her arm pointing the other way. I reached down to her and picked her head up with my mouth. Her lips pressed hard against mine and I couldn’t move my tongue inside her mouth fast enough. She offered too much. I grabbed her hips and leaned into her. “Let’s go in,” she breathed, her mouth connected to mine. I nodded and pushed the door open. James was sitting on one couch with Rachel and Kelly on the other. I passed the three of them and said nothing. It didn’t matter. I didn’t care. My body was burning. I darted into the bathroom for a second to check my skin and see if it was red or peeling. Nothing. The toilet was next to me and I thought briefly to myself that I might not be able to use it for a while. I pushed my pants down and began to pee. “Heh, oh god,” Sasha laughed and she turned the other way. I smirked. In the other room, she started introducing herself. When I finished up, I pulled my pants up a bit but left them unbuttoned. I pushed the door to my room open, turned the lights on, and left the door ajar for her. She followed me inside and on the other side of the room, I asked her, “Do you like Billie Holiday?” “Sure!” I glanced behind me, smirking again. What a cheery answer. I put the record on and turned around. Bending my knees, I sank to the ground and raised my arms up to her. My heart had slowed. I couldn’t even feel it anymore. I wasn’t even in the room. She wasn’t there either, whoever she was. Nothing…just music. She fell into my arms and I kissed her so hard that I wound up on top of her, pulling at her clothes. I ran my hands over her hair and her skin. Her tanned skin, so beautiful against mine. I couldn’t get enough. I wished I had more than two hands. My limbs were so out of tune that I couldn’t even get her bra unhooked. She chuckled and did it for me. “To the bed,” she breathed and I picked her up and laid her there. Once she was upon it, I took my pants off and she stopped, meeting my eyes with shrinking pupils. “No, I can’t do that.” I just stared at her. She only had underwear on. Her breasts were small but the same color as the rest of her body. She was so incredibly natural. Her hair was thick and soft against her shoulders. Her tiny stomach rose and fell rapidly. “Ok, ok.” I said, shaking my head at last. I pulled some boxer shorts on and climbed on top of her. With my tongue, I ran lines from her cheek to her neck and caught her once, looking out the window. It was then that I straightened my back and looked down at her as she lay flattened against my bed, her head turned slightly away. Reaching back, I turned off the lights. She began breathing heavily when I was upon her again. I imagined I was as well, though I had no perception of myself. My whole body felt abandoned, as if it had just sunk into hers. I took her underwear off and ran my hands between her legs. “Jesus,” I whispered, and she was as warm and soft as I imagined. She arched her back and and I kissed her breasts and her hair and her eyes and at last, she turned to me and said, “I’m on the pill.” I said nothing. “Let’s just do it.” I blinked once or twice. She glowed in the moonlight, a blue alien in my bed. Were my teeth shining as well? “Are you sure?” I asked, purring close to her ear. I bit the end of her lobe and she made a gurgle deep in her throat. “Yes..” I took my boxers off and she guided me inside of her. Warmth all of a sudden. More than before. Surrounding me and sucking me in. I pulled out. “Here,” I said. I pulled on her arm and she flipped over. “What..oh, you want me on top?” she asked. I nodded. She took one leg and awkwardly draped it over my hips and then mounted me. Sasha moved back and forth tentatively and I prepared for what I’d done so many, many, many times. I put my hands on her hips and closed my eyes. A normal release should come soon. But she was moving too slow and too rhythmically, back and forth. At one point, she inched the wrong way and I bent and fell out of her. It hurt a bit and I winced. She put a hand to her mouth. “God, I’m sorry.” “Heh, what are you doing?” She smiled. “I don’t know.” Her gaze turned towards the window again. My erection was shrinking. “This is so surreal, Avon.” She may have been looking out the window but I was still staring at her. “What’s it like?” I asked. She glanced back at me.
Copyright © 2004 Natasha |