White Thoughts (3) “It’s like that,” I murmured. The sky was rushing so fast I couldn’t follow it. I wished the guys would just slow down, just for a minute, just so I could catch it all. “None of this really matters. I should be doing a Chem paper right now,” James sighed. “Of course it matters,” I snapped, turning on him. “This sky is what is always ahead of us. We’re not in the real world yet.” “We will be,” Freddy added. “This is our world. We’re just like the freshmen, in that respect.” I shook my head. “In fact, we’re all the same.” “I don’t think I’m the same as those freshmen boys,” James muttered, scratching his rough golden stubble. I sighed and sat down on the ground, but James and Freddy picked me up and we had to keep walking, closer to the house we’d come from. “I think,” I remarked, “that you aren’t like them physically—the stubble, the chest hair, whatever—and maybe not even intellectually. But we’re all stuck here. It’s like a mini world actually. But more accelerated because we’re always together. Each month feels like a year.” “We ARE always together,” Freddy muttered. “Fuck you,” I laughed and Freddy and James laughed as well. The sun was fading and the surroundings deepened from a greenish hue to something more navy. “We will be out in the real world eventually, Avon. You can’t stay here forever—though I know that’s your fantasy,” Freddy sighed. “It is?” I asked, mostly to myself. “We’ll all be out there, alone, unattached, just thrown into it,” James muttered, throwing his arms behind his head. “I am looking forward to the spontaneity anyway.” “Me too,” Freddy said, nodding. “Completely unattached,” I sighed. “We’ll have memories and phones to back us up,” James bellowed, mouth widening to impossible proportions. I broke into a smile just looking at him. “I’ll stick with you guys in that way,” I said. “Just you guys.” “I’m gunna tear up,” Freddy choked. “HAH!” And I slapped Freddy across the head until he turned to me and knocked me to the ground. “Come on, knock it off! It’s getting colder out here and we’ll never get back!” James yelled. Freddy helped me up and I sighed and clicked my tongue when I noticed the twigs and leaves stuck to my clothes. I didn’t bother brushing them off. “Let’s just enjoy it for now,” I said. “Enjoy it?” “This paradise.” “Paradise…” Freddy and James both echoed. The sun faded and we made it back inside well before darkness settled. 14 My head was splitting. The day had faded so quickly. First, we were back in the house and then it was night and Freddy or James had turned the lights on. I sat down and I laid my head back and then I thought I was dreaming, but they had taken me out and it was close to midnight, after midnight. I couldn’t even see the stars anymore. The room I was in was so hot that my skin felt like it would peel straight off. I wondered where Gretchen had gone. I wondered where Freddy and James had gone off to. People came up to me and I smiled at them and slapped them on their backs or they ran into me and spilled their drinks and apparently I was holding one as well, but I kept it against my chest. Steady. The room pulsated. People were dancing everywhere. I couldn’t breathe and my throat constricted. I thought I smelled smoke and followed its scent to the exit door. Once, I bounded into it and again and again and finally, it creaked open and I fell to the ground, soaking in fresh earth and air. Kids stood above me, dragging cigarettes from peach kissed mouths. I lifted myself up. “Who the hell—“ I pushed past one kid, tiny and skinny in the dark, and walked up the hill away from the party. I must have had a jacket at one point. Anyway, it was gone and I began walking through the brisk night in nothing but a red polo and cargo shorts. I stuffed my hands in my pockets and threw my head back. Where were the stars? More kids laughed up ahead. There were two of them. A girl and a boy. The boy walked with his head tilted towards the girl and his hands at his sides. The girl swayed back and forth and held a cigarette between delicate fingers. She tried to hand it off to him but he refused. I began walking faster, the cold biting at my skin and pushing me to an almost trot. As I passed them, I heard my name delicately pronounced. In her white hat again, huddling under a coat too big for her tiny shoulders, walked the knee high sock girl. “Hey,” she breathed, sucking with pink lips from a barely lit cigarette. “I don’t smoke, Avon. Someone just gave this cigarette to me. Do you smoke?” I shook my head. “I quit cigarettes,” I breathed. “Oh…” But I snatched it from her and tried to catch her eyes, but it was too dark. Instead, I furiously puffed on the cigarette, once, twice, three times, four, and then shoved it back in her hands and did a half u-turn towards the woods. “Hey—“ she yelled. I started walking so fast I couldn’t see her. I wanted her out of my head. But I caught myself licking my lips for a taste of her tongue amidst the acridness of smoke. 15 “James, James!” I slammed into James’s door and it creaked open. I brought two hands to my forehead in the darkness and wiped trails of sweat from my face. My eyes struggled to adjust, but I couldn’t focus and my throat was constricting. “Freddy is with his girlfriend, fucking her in his room. Listen, are you busy? When did you get back?” My hand fumbled along the wall and I flicked the light on. “James..” I said. He lay groaning, naked in his bed, with Rachel on top of him, naked as well. “James! I really need help here. I can’t feel anything—and, I think… I don’t want to be alone..right now.” “Unghh” Rachel cried, oblivious, demonic. James eyed me once and tried to ignore me. I saw him tilting his eyes towards her, concentrating with all his might on her, his face contorting, struggling to finish. I could still taste smoke on my tongue and what might be hints of vanilla. “Jesus,” I whispered, scraping my tongue on the back of my teeth. Rachel began rocking faster and faster and James was squeezing her hips. I sank down the wall and placed a hand over the crotch of my jeans and gulped, slamming my head back. She was gasping, he was panting, and James did not look up at all. My throat was so tight, I thought it would close and my head would spin off. I crawled slowly away from the room and shut the door. I leaned against it for a moment, catching my breath, steadying my throat, and clenching my eyes shut. With my hands opening and closing, I lurched forward and snatched the phone and called her number. Then, I went to my room and put on a record. It played softly and numbed my head. I shuffled to my bed and sat down, leaning against the wall and sighing. The door opened about ten minutes later and in a red dress this time, Gretchen turned on the lights. “Turn them off,” I said. She turned them off. “I thought we were broken up,” she whispered. There was a smell of Chanel in the room and hair spray. She closed the door behind her and the smell settled like a cloud over everything. I gulped saliva down my throat. It might have been sobs. “No, we’re not. Stay with me.” Gretchen moved forward and pounced onto the bed. She took her dress off and undressed me. Without saying another word, she moved downwards and pressed her mouth against my shaft and licked to the head and sucked until I shivered. Eventually, she lifted and rode me as Rachel had rode James. I kept glancing towards the door but no one was coming in. But I thought to myself, if someone had come in, I at least would have given them the time of day. In fact, I think I would have slowly pushed Gretchen off of me, placed her nicely in the bed, and exited the room with this person to hear the stories they needed to tell. The room was dark, but I could still see the fan spinning. In paradise, you meet people you love and they only add to your calm and your sense of self and freedom. I looked at Gretchen as well as I could through the shadows and over the soft notes of my record player. The tiny freckles in the dark, the stiff hair, the high breasts, and her slightly widened hips. I ran my hands over her breasts and her belly. I imagined her as my paradise and prayed for calm. 16 She giggled and ran her hands through her hair, tossing them in the air. “Wait, wait!” “Come over here, babe!” I snatched Gretchen up and kissed her hard on the lips. She pressed herself into me and cooled in my embrace. I held her by the arms and looked about. We were next to the coffee shop. “What time does your watch say?” “You know I don’t wear a watch,” she cooed. I nodded. She kissed along my cheek and to my lips again. Through her kisses, I said, “Well, he should be here soon.” “Is that him?” Gretchen pointed towards a kid skating down the street. “Hah! No, he doesn’t skate.” “OH! But you like him anyway?” I looked at her quizzically. “Of course, we used to go to the same school.” “Oooh,” she cooed again, pushing slyly away from me. I let her push away and whipped my head around in search of him. And then he appeared, walking from what must have been his freshmen door. “Ralphy!” I called. Ralph waved his arms in the air and trotted up to us. “How’s it going?” I asked. Ralphy nodded, cheeks reddened from the chills of a new autumn. “Good, good!” “Ahem.” I glanced behind me and Gretchen was waiting, her hands behind her back and her head downwards. She was batting her eyes at me. “Oh,” I said. “Ralphy, this is Gretchen and Gretchen, this is my long time friend, Ralphy.” She extended her hand and Ralph shook hers vigorously. “Nice to meet you!” he said. “Want to go to the coffee shop?” I asked. “We might as well,” he said, nodding again. The three of us abandoned the icing streets and warmed ourselves in a booth next to the window at the coffee shop. Gretchen ordered a chai tea, Ralph, a coffee, and I, an Earl Grey tea, since winter would be coming eventually. Once our drinks were served, Ralph had already settled in, thrown his jacket off, and started talking. “I like it here a lot,” he said. “But I do miss my girlfriend. She doesn’t go here.” I snorted and threw back a large portion of my tea. “Oh, dump her. You have to experience dating here.” “Dating, right,” Gretchen chuckled. “Yeah,” I said, looking her over. “I suppose it isn’t really dating. There’s no where to go..nothing to do… and once you’re with someone, you see them all the time.” Ralph nodded. “Well I wouldn’t be ready for any of that anyway.” “Right,” I said, nodding again. Gretchen had grown quiet. “Anyway,” I said, gulping more tea, “What else do you like about it here?” “Oh, well, classes are pretty good. I think I’m doing all right so far. And I have really good friends. Er.. Jerry, Greg, Matilda, Caroline, Sasha, Dan. I don’t know, a lot. Mostly freshmen I suppose. Though some sophomores are pressuring me to rush.” I didn’t say anything and Gretchen had to elbow me to keep talking. “Right!” I exclaimed. “Yeah, don’t rush. They hinder your freedom. You really have to bask in freedom here. You can do anything.” “You can do most things,” Gretchen added, smiling widely. I blanked again and said nothing. My Early Grey tea sat in front of me and I watched the natural air of the coffee shop slowly sift the top of it. “Well you guys have been here a while. You must like it too.” “Course,” said Gretchen. “I’m in lots of clubs and I have so many friends. And this boyfriend here,” she said, giggling. I coughed. “You’ll just…the experiences you’ll have here will define you.” I stared out the window. The leaves had already changed, so quickly, and now were dying. They curled and browned and the wind was strangling them until they fell. Gretchen and Ralph started talking and taking up most of the room for conversation. I balanced my head on my hand and looked out the window. Something rang suddenly from the bottom of the booth and I jumped so high that half of my Earl Grey spilled and blanketed the table. “Aw, fuck. It’s my cell phone. I forgot I even had it,” I sighed. “Hold on. Sorry about spilling.” “I’ll get it,” Gretchen sighed. She went to get napkins and I stepped outside, grateful to feel the wind and have a chance to see the last of the surviving leaves. I clicked open my phone and pressed it to my ear. “Hello?” “Hello? Avon!?” “Haha! Emily!” “Hey big brother,” Emily cooed. I settled against the coffee house door and sighed so loudly that she began to chuckle. “What’s the matter, you? I thought you’d be excited to hear from me.” “I am! I’m so extremely elated.” “Don’t be sarcastic.” “I’m not. How’s life back home?” “Good. Mom’s looking forward to you coming back eventually—will you visit us for holidays this year?” “Sure,” I said, smirking. “But really, how are things?” “All right.” “Just all right?” “Sure. I.. love the people here. I’m jut too overwhelmed with things—sometimes it’s too much to take it.” “You’re like a wide eyed child,” she sighed. “Oh stop.” “You are. Always have been. You just soak up the atmosphere and absolutely everyone can see your passions and are drawn to them, even if you remain as aloof as you were at home. It’s almost less electric around the house when you’re not here.” “Less electric..” “Hah..well you know what I mean.” “… Be careful back home, okay. Don’t get caught up in anything that might hurt you—heart break, drugs, whatever.” “I’m a junior in high school now! I can survive anything” “Essentially,” I laughed. “Really, what’s to worry about…” “I guess no one can ever really be warned. Just.. be as happy as you can.” “Be happy?” “Sure.” “Heh, okay. And you be happy too. Don’t let anyone stand in your way.” “I…” “Mom’s calling me.” “Oh.” “I’ll talk to you soon! Call me if you ever get bored.” I nodded. “I will, I will. Remember—“ “Yeah?” “Protect yourself since I’m not there to protect you.” “Hehe, you’re so silly today. Okay.” “Bye bye.” I clicked the phone off. When I walked back in the coffee shop, Gretchen was standing and Ralph was closing the door to the bathroom. “Well, ready?” Gretchen asked. “For what?” Ralph was nearly bursting beside her. “Gretchen’s having a party at her place!” “You are?” I asked, raising my eyebrow. “Not a party.. a gathering. It’s the middle of the week but.. I thought it might be fun and for Ralph too. The day’s almost over, so we’re just going to head over now. Coming?” I closed my eyes. “Avon?” Gretchen beckoned. “Yeah,” I said, opening them and craning my neck until it cracked. “Ok, cool! Let’s go, guys,” Ralph said. It wasn’t supposed to be a party, but that’s what it became. And the thought of another party and another night blotted away from my memory brought sickness to my stomach. I carried one beer around and left it at that. Gretchen settled into talking to her friends and serving drinks. I started chatting with a guy I knew from English class, briefly discussing paper topics and ideas until he saw a girl he liked and moved past me. It was about midnight when I went up to Gretchen, tapped her on the shoulder, and without listening for any words that I was about to say, she threw her arms around me and started talking. “Oh, this is fun, huh!? We should have more get-togethers during the week. Ralph must have called up his freshmen friends—so many people showed up! Even that sexy girl,” Gretchen laughed, nearly spilling her drink. “Here,” I said, “Sit this down.” I took the drink from her and placed it on the counter, but she simply picked it back up again and tossed the liquor down her throat. “Don’t…think…so!” She bellowed, screaming the “so” into my face. I sighed and slumped into a chair next to her. And across the room was the “sexy girl.” She was wearing knee high socks this time. The shock of it nearly slackened my face. But instead, I half smiled and my eyes were as wide as coals could manage. She sauntered over to me. “Hey, what’s up?” She was carrying a drink. By the look in her eye and the faint smell from her breath, I could guess that this was probably her second or third. “Hi,” I said. “Hey, sweetie!” Gretchen hugged Sasha close to her and Sasha broke into smiles. “Hey, Gretch! How are you??”
Copyright © 2004 Natasha |