White Thoughts (2) We arrived at the party rather late and most of the alcohol was spent. My hands had started to shake and I laid myself gently against the wall as if it was a bed and as if it was swirled around upright. I looked for stars on the ceiling. “Hey!” Drunken voices. “Hey you! With the beanie hat!” I rolled my head around and someone was looking at me. It was a girl with brown hair and glowing olive skin. “I’ve seen you around. What’s your name?” Her cheeks were reddened, most likely from drinking. She had a cup in her hand and her eyes were slanted in a way of seduction. I smiled at her and thought my own eyes might burst from my head. She was a gorgeous light, like a star in the crowded, bustling dorm hall. “Avon,” I said. “Who are you?” She was wearing jeans instead of knee high socks. “Oh! I’m Sasha.” Someone snatched her arm and she was jerked away from my sight. Her head bobbed up once more and I was still smiling at her, a bit taken back. “Well, see you around!” she yelled. I just stood there and watched her disappear into the crowd. Freddy grabbed me eventually and dragged me out. I went home, turned off the lights, jumped on my bed, stretched my legs out, and thought of the girl in the knee high socks. 9 “When and where does she begin her rampage, Avon?” I pressed my hand into the spine of Turn of the Screw and straightened my back. My eyes caught Mrs. Fin’s and I tried to steady my gaze with hers and meet the darting of her pupils. “With the boy, Mrs. Fin, soon after meeting him.” Mrs. Fin nodded, her brown ponytail swishing behind her. The band was tied so tightly to her head that it couldn’t be seen. Perhaps, if one rubbed the back of her head, they could feel the knot that held her hair together, but otherwise, her hair seemed to grow in odd directions. Wrinkles cornered the ends of her eyes, but she was moderately young and tall with an affinity for chiffon and scarves, even in the heat of Indian Summer. She approached my desk and stopped right in front of me. I found myself staring at the length of her waist. I raised my head to meet her eyes and she peered through mascara darkened lashes to see mine. “The boy, Avon?” “Right.” I kept her gaze and breathed my words like a sigh. She was exasperating, this woman. But she watched my eyes like no other and so I answered her questions and kept my hands neatly, politely splayed across my desk. “The boy… he seduces her.” “He seduces her?” “Right.” I cocked my head to the left. “He’s a bit courageous or naïve. Either way, he goes for the unattainable and the governess is unprepared.” Mrs. Fin smiled and broke my gaze. She whirled around to face the rest of the class and I turned my head to the side to face the window. “Pay attention, Avon.” I flicked an eye back to her. “The woman, the governess—“ she began walking towards the board and looked back once at me. “—is obsessed with her own ideals. She never considers the feelings of the children, especially the boy. Now, how can she succumb to seductions with such an attitude?” “Because he…is a ravisher.” I chuckled at my answer and spotted a few laughs around the room as well. Mrs. Fin slapped one hand against the other. “A ravisher?” “She can’t resist him,” I cooed, pursing my lips together, in a kiss for her. Mrs. Fin sighed. “His plight is merely that of an inexperienced boy. When SHE in her selfishness, turns to him, he is embarrassed, abashed. Shame overwhelms him. She confuses him. He is merely..a boy, Avon. Your version of his seduction is granted but…incomplete.” “My version of seduction?” “You have to consider all the characters involved.” Mrs. Fin took a piece of chalk and drew a circle around the blackboard. She started writing the names of characters in various spots. I looked out the window and wished for a mighty gale of wind, a sparkle of sunshine, some snow, some beauty. I watched the trees sway slowly and my eyes grew heavy. 10 “God, the freshmen are everywhere.” James skated ahead of me and stopped suddenly, kicking his skateboard up and then bending down to retrieve it. “I barely know the campus anymore.” I threw my backpack on the ground and swerved past him and nearly tripped. “Jesus,” he laughed. “Watch yourself.” I cursed and shrugged my shoulders back. The hat on my head had fallen off and hair was tangled to the tops of my shoulders. “Fuck off.” “Are you antsy or something?” “Hah!” I pointed at James for a moment until his look turned quizzical and then I pointed towards the sky in the manner of a gun. “Bang, bang. Do I have ants in my pants, are you asking me?” James laughed and shook his head. “No, man.” I bent down and picked up my skateboard too. “There are a lot of freshmen. I kind of like having the new faces around.” “Oh yeah?” I placed my beanie squarely back on my head and cracked my neck. “Yeah, yeah.” “We won’t be seeing them for a very long time.” I dropped my skateboard back to the ground and slid down the hill. The wind whipped daggers past my face and tossed my beanie with it. “Shit,” I murmured and flipped my head around. The skateboard tilted out and I went the other way, my feet sailing to the side. I hit the ground on my elbows and rolled a foot or two before stopping, splayed in the road as if left for dead. James hadn’t followed me. He must have stayed at the top of the hill. I lifted up and shook my head to forget the pain and the blood along my arms. It only tickled a little. Even the hairs on my arms were numb. Maybe, I couldn’t feel pain anymore. Maybe I could just toss myself down the hill, all the way down, and nothing would happen. I stood up, all the way to my tip toes and began to lean downwards, before my shoulder was tapped, and the shock of it sent more palpations through my body than the fall. I tripped again and landed on my knees this time. “Shit, shit. I’m sorry. I just—caught your hat and…” My hair was too dark, too long. I couldn’t see anything. So, I just stared and blinked and blinked, willing feeling to return to my body. Instead, the person bent, like a peasant girl, crushing her skirts with one wayward hand. She took my hat and placed it on my head, parting the hairs. “Hey,” I said. She blinked back at me, a bit wide eyed. “I know you,” I smirked. She didn’t say anything, but her full lips began to spread. “You fascinate me.” Her eyes crinkled. “What?” I reached out a hand to her. She stood up, brushed herself off, and stared for a moment. Then, she gave me her hand and lifted me upwards. Or rather, I lifted myself up with the warmth of her palm. “Your knee high socks. Those are great. You fascinate me.” “Well…” she said. “You fascinate me.” “HAH!” How wonderful. “Do I? Are you a freshman?” She cocked her hip out. Another skirt today. This one was longer and she was wearing tiny pink heels rather than knee high socks. Her shirt sloped downwards, revealing the tops of tiny breasts and the circular cup of a red necklace. Long bangs blew past her face and the rest of her hair bobbed around her shoulders. My hair was a bit darker than hers, but her color fit better with her tanned skin than mine with my pale skin. “What do you think?” “Oh!” I said. The amusement was getting to me. I shook my shoulders out. My whole body tingled. “I think you’re a freshmen.” Her hip faded back to its usual line. “Heh, aww—how did you know?” I smirked and brushed the side of my face, down to the stubble along my chin. “I knew….Sasha?” “Right.” Her whole face was beaming. Her skin was so rich in color, free of any freckle or blemish. I couldn’t place the color of her eyes. “Avon. What grade are you in?” Grade? “Oh, um, I’m a senior.” “Oh.” She looked a bit abashed and so, I took her hand, and she swayed a bit. “Well, it’s nice to officially meet you.” I knelt, then, and sat squarely upon the pavement. “Hey, what nationality are you?” She was still standing and she placed her hands in front of her. The sleeves of her shirt stretched all the way to her fingernails. “Guess!” “Sit down.” She sat. “Ok, I’ll guess. German?” She nodded. “A little bit.” “English?” “A form of European..” “A form, huh? Scandinavian?” She laughed and shook her head. Her body was facing mine, every sharp angle, pointed towards the bloodied lengths of my skin. “I’m sorry, I look horrible,” I sighed, leaning towards her and pressing my palms into the rocks. “What? Oh, well, are you okay?” “Yeah.” I nodded and half closed my eyes. “Russian?” “Yeah!” She bobbed her head vigorously. “Half Russian-Jew actually. There’s one more thing too.” I stared through one slit eye in her direction. “Tell me,” I breathed. “Cherokee,” she relayed, in the same tone of voice. She was matching me in every move. I turned completely towards her. “Oh me too,” I laughed. “You too? You’re kidding?!” “Yeah..” I sighed. “Probably just 1% though.” “Oh. Well I’m about 15.” “That’s beautiful.” She brushed hair from her eyes and glanced towards the granite where I’d fallen. The wind had begun pulsating so fast that the trees were lurching around us. Sasha kept her hand gathered around her skirt and I let the winds blow over me, wishing for nakedness, and perhaps a softer ground. 11 I passed the coffee shop and decided to look in the bookstore instead. I picked up a paper cup and tilted a pot of hot water until the water drained through the tip and pattered into the bottom of the cup. When I had finished and picked up a green tea bag, Gretchen snatched the cup away from me and half of the water dipped to the floor. “Gretch—“ “May I have some?” “Tch—“ I straightened my shoulders and shrugged into a slump on the counter. “I haven’t even put the tea in it. You’re holding what’s now a half cup of fucking hot water.” “So?” She raised the cup to her lips. I snatched it away from her and tossed it in the sink. “Fuck it.” Gretchen snaked over to me and pressed her body into the back of mine. “Want to fuck in the back room?” “Not now..babe.” I glanced behind me, through my hair, and kissed the air. She kissed the air back to me. “Who was that sexy girl who helped you when you fell?” “She was sexy huh?” Gretchen laughed and whirled away from me to pose by the counter. She was wearing a tiny orange dress today, falling well below her breast line and hitting mid thigh. A fur wrap covered her elbows. “Darling, will you introduce me to her?” I nodded and began pouring another cup of hot water. “Sure, babe.” “Good,” she said, waiting for me to finish. I fixed the cup much slower than before and when I put the tea bag in, I let it bob and float until it flattened and steamed. “Ready to go?” she cooed. “Where do you want to go?” I asked. “Hmm.. I have no class until 3. Let’s go to the coffee shop.” I nodded, wrapping a hand tightly around my tea cup. “Yeah.” She left ahead of me and I paid for the tea and then followed her into the coffee shop, clutching my cup close to my chest, for warmth, for comfort, or for life. 12 “Here, give me another shot.” “Yeah,” Freddy said, “me too.” And he poured one for me and one for him. We tapped glasses, smiling broadly towards each other, and tipped our heads back. Hard rushes and I shook my head as a chaser in the end. The door opened and Gretchen and Rachel waltzed in. Gretchen had exchanged a fur wrap for a coat, but she tossed it off to show off her orange dress again. “Are you guys drinking?” Rachel cooed. She giggled and snatched the handle away from Freddy who pounced on her and took it back. They both erupted into laughter. “Are YOU drinking?” Gretchen asked. I turned to her and nodded. “Yes, Gretchen.” “How much have you had?” “8 shots?” “8!? You knew I was coming over though.” “So?” She slapped me behind the head and I looked to Freddy who was raising his eyebrows and darting his eyes back and forth. “Are you going to keep hitting me?” “Are you going to get drunk every night?” “Maybe. I only have one year left. You have two. You can take it slower.” She took the shot glass from my hand and slammed it on the table. “Well, I wanted to spend some time with you tonight!” “Get drunk and we can spend some time together.” I batted my eyes at her and met her gaze until she turned away. It was an affinity I had with people. I loved eyes. Loved them so much that I wanted to stare forever. Not everyone felt the same, but most of the time, Gretchen did. “Let’s go into the other room.” “You’re sober as hell.” “I’ll sober you up.” She dragged me away, not even to my room. We were in the hall. She straddled me and pulled me upwards so I’d kiss her. “You taste of bitter, bitter alcohol,” she hissed. “Bite it,” I snapped. She slammed me downwards and bit my lips. “I love you,” she said. “Oh you do?” “I’ll never let you go,” she said. I swiveled my head to the side. “Oh you won’t?” “Avon!” I turned back to her, but only to show her one eye. “What?” “Look at you, look at you.” She brushed hair away from my eyes and raked her hands down to the splatters of hair on my chest. “Such dark, brilliant hair. Your face is just…I can never look away.” “I love your face too,” I said. Her freckles seemed smudged tonight. She’d applied too much blush. Her cheeks were reddened dully. “Will you kids come back over here?” Freddy called. “Pulleeeesseee darlings?” Rachel cooed. “Before I drink everything. Hey Freddy! I have my first test of the semester tomorrow!” “Oh you do!?” He gasped. And they giggled, making sounds on the couches. “Where’s Dana?” Gretchen called from my lap. “She’s coming over,” Freddy yelled. “Come on Gretch…” Rachel sighed. Gretchen lifted up from me and left the hallway. I laid there and gulped her spit and remnants of alcohol down my throat. The hall was so dark and my chest was so tight. The alcohol hadn’t lifted anything. “Come back babe!” Silence. Nothing. I rolled over on my side and shuddered. “Come back!” She appeared shadowed in the hallway, hands on her hips. “What?” “Help me up, let’s go to my bedroom.” “No,” she said, lowering her head, shaking it vigorously. “No.” 13 “I can’t believe you’re taking us on a walk, man.” I flared my nostrils and let out a humongous sigh. “Ah jesus, it’s beautiful outside.” “I’m hungry actually,” Freddy said, placing a hand over his stomach. “Let nature be your food.” “Oh shove it,” James laughed, knocking me to the side. Freddy stepped up to us so we all walked in a line. “Does this path just keep stretching like this? I’ve never even been here.” “Well,” I said, circling with my fingers, “it circles the school. It’s not straight, per say, like the path through campus, but it isn’t a very difficult walk. I just like it out here.” “And you come here early in the morning, don’t you?” asked James, crossing his arms. I nodded. “Sometimes.” “You should take Gretchen with you, she’d like it,” James added, lifting an eyebrow in my direction. “Gretchen doesn’t wake up early,” I said. The sun began to wane and fade and twilight overlapped us. The sky was rushing purple and blue and red. The clouds were puffs of smoke twisted and curled and buffed to such a degree that color seeped through their edges. “I’ve never seen skies like this. Not anywhere. Essentially, this is the most gorgeous thing I’ve seen,” I breathed. “I,” Freddy exclaimed, “would say the most gorgeous thing I’ve seen is between a woman’s legs.” James bellowed and slapped Freddy on the back.
Copyright © 2004 Natasha |