A Wiseman Once Told Me (2) In willing to know itself deeply, the Self clings to this achievement and objectifies itself in order to gain self-awareness.∗ This occurs in the teenage years of most Selves. Likely the Self begins this stage carefully, not wanting to stick out. It participates in the activities of other Selves: dressing, speaking and behaving as any good Self should. Some Selves never progress from this stage, seeing further knowledge of their identity as too risky to pursue. Eventually however, this Resolution does not suffice in quenching most Self’s dire need for meaning. The unsatisfied Self seeks a new Resolution within the objective lifestyle.” “If this is the case, the Self becomes a grander Self within the material world. It likely sees no higher purpose than material presentation of itself. It perhaps has given up on all notions of God or any absolute morality; right and wrong mean nothing to the Self. It holds that choices like these cannot be pinned down in this fashion and for that reason, it takes its decisions to be rather unimportant. The Self wants to be something, make its life as interesting as can be. Maybe the Self has lots of friends, is the life of the party. It plays the game and plays it well. The Self uses shrewd tactics of manipulation to overcome its various social obstacles. It inquires into the lives of others, shakes its head and laughs. “I know what you mean!” the Self often replies. It plays along and bursts with passion when the others do. Knowing of some harmful to its status, the Self avoids certain contacts at any cost. When in public, it brings with it all the persona and mystic it knows itself to have. Yet it has no real opinions to call its own, rather remarks in off-handed agreement with whomever it engages. Still, the Self needs more and the cycle continues. It comes into further Resolutions within its objective life, each time incorporating additional substance. Now the Self lives fantastically on the surface, coming into its most shocking passions. It acts out of desire to experience the material life to its fullest extent, often in the form of rebellion. It is this passion, this zest for life that fills the Self. Following its emotions wherever they lead, the Self believes them to be the ultimate reality – telling a story of its life. Oh, the drama of the Self. It feels the crashings of the world upon its very being.” While the Wiseman uttered these words, I felt a sudden flash from the past. I heard my own voice in an echo of reflection… “That summer, I let go of any prudence I formally held. I thought, ‘Look, we don’t even know what this place is, we don’t know how we came to be here and we don’t even know what we are! You think you can tell me not to do this? Ha’ I laughed, ‘until you can answer those questions for me, I’m going to do whatever I want. As far as I can see, no purpose exists for my life; it has no meaning, no direction whatsoever. You believe in a God up there, with a plan for my life?’ The ravaging indifference of the universe sparked a series of desperate and thrilling choices. My summer consisted of climbing out of the basement window, grabbing the keys to Dad’s old Volvo and roaring into the night. My friends and I, we had a ball: climbing fences, breaking-in to vacant warehouses and reigning terror upon the neighborhood. The name of authority meant nothing to us. In fact, when the police were called as often were, it only increased the night’s excitement. It provided an opportunity for a story, for a memory, for something real. We lived for those memories, believed our identities to rest in their engravings. As if living in an epic tale, we defined ourselves by the legend we created. That summer was an expression of freedom, an assertion of our power to choose. Yet, this life was not enough, I craved more. Again I knew Anxiety and strove to form something more excellent. I developed a concept of myself, made my mark. I needed a character to play or a role to fill in this large apparently meaningless world. ‘I’m a football player’ I thought, ‘and a damn good one. I am strong, powerful!’ Still, that thought would hardly suffice to fill the gaping hole of purposelessness; I needed more. ‘I have a friends, a girlfriend, and I can talk real smooth and cool. I’ll be intimidating while at the same time, always keeping my composure. Perhaps I’m your friend who you secretly fear, a mystery of sorts.’ I acted out this image as often as possible, clung to it as a lifeline to guard me from emptiness. I coveted the rush, the something exciting or even dangerous that could provide temporary significance in my life or at least, distract me from the lack thereof. With my glorious self-made persona, a life fixated on pleasure and excitement sustained me for quite a while. However, I found that it could not last. It would inevitably cease to offer me the buzz I longed for and gradually, I understood this truth. I repeatedly found myself with my mask removed, alone to contemplate my identity without the absorbing stimulants I came to love.” This remembrance brought knowledge of my own objective cycle. Yet I lacked the time to dissect it, for the Wiseman continued his telling of the human condition… “A Self living the objective life demands increasing substance in its Resolutions. It may eventually find the material world unable to relieve its need for meaning. At this point, many Selves yearn to forward their consciousness to an even sharper degree, thus requiring a change in lifestyle. In this case, the Self will find a Resolution to its Anxiety in acquiring knowledge of its subjective nature. This realization takes place deep within the Self. While continuing to live the material life, it starts to notice itself in a different way: It recognizes an unchanging part of itself, one believed to be impossible in the material world. For the first time, the Self comes to know its duality, having both objective and subjective natures…” Again the echoes came and persisted in flashes throughout the afternoon. “I came to a breaking point where it hit me. I am Kevin Merfeld. Like a wave it came, nearly knocking me to the floor. I remember the exact moment: turning the corner from my bedroom, I suddenly felt as if I had walked into myself. I sat down immediately and stared blankly ahead into the dimly lit hallway. For the first time, my whole life emerged in plain sight before my eyes. I became aware that everything I had ever experienced, all the memories I held were in fact my own. I looked down at my hands and feet, moved them slowly, taking in every last feeling they would offer. I noticed my breathing and the thumping of my chest, understood that life had gushed throughout this body since the day of my birth. I looked left and right, seeing nothing but myself. My body now felt foreign, like a place I had used to hide. I never considered it to have a life of its own.” My past absorbed me several times more and each time I awoke to the flowing words of the Wiseman. “…This process frightens the Self and yet invigorates it at the same time. It marks the beginning of the pure aesthetic life. In this life, the Self perceives itself by the way that it relates to some aesthetic meaning. It includes a wide variety of forms, depending on the particular interests of the Self. Its Resolution can even come in multiple smaller Resolutions, including hobbies and/or a social life. It deems that these offer purpose and meaning to the Self’s otherwise empty life. It remains in Despair because it still does not know itself as a relation. Rather, the Self believes its body and mind to exist utterly distinct from one another. Most likely, the Self continues to carry on its relationships and further delves into the life of pleasure, now with an increasing intensity and seriousness. For, knowing itself on a deeper level allows it to incorporate a degree of reflection in its actions. At times the Self still lives as an object but with its new subjective insight, it notes this occurrence. Even in mid-sentence, it may remember its subjectivity. The Self becomes confused or even frustrated with itself. In times like this, it wonders why it says the things it does, and it Resolves not to let itself go so much in the future. It is possible the Self even discusses subjective matters with other Selves, fascinated with what they have to say. The Self pretends, at times almost convinces itself, that it’s completely interested in its material life. It dresses itself up and acts like a fool when necessary, even lets itself become preoccupied with things it knows to have little or no real significance. Although the Self realizes how phony this lifestyle can be, it continues its pursuit with increasing depth and wit. After all, the Self sees no advantage in letting it go. However, it does not all but abandon its subjective curiosity, the Self always holds a degree of secrecy…” “In my bedroom late at night, I would turn off all the lights and close my eyes. As if in the darkness possessed, I would flail my arms and legs in a dance. I was finding myself of course, exploring my mind. I felt to have stumbled upon a striking oasis, an uncharted, unknown land full of possibilities. I embraced it, felt it to be my own private pleasure. A blessed thing to search myself this way: letting my body free and mind soar, I let go of the reigns. In me birthed a glorious spirit, as if I had unleashed a young deity within. Yet nothing changed, surely it would only be right to continue living with them in their world. Yes, I had something of my own but what was I without them? I needed them, for they defined me.” “…For many Selves, the meaning found in the pure aesthetic life is enough; their quest for self-knowledge comes to a halt as they resign to a life of pleasure. These Selves likely face cyclical Anxiety, with time finding a more lasting Resolution. However, if the Self does will its development to continue, it experiences Anxiety from the lack of purpose it finds in the pure aesthetic life, for it is not living truly as it is. In this case, the Self Resolves to change its lifestyle. It chooses between a subjective life, calling for a change within the aesthetic, and an ethical life, entailing a more drastic lifestyle shift.” The words of the Wiseman remained true to my life; I recall this very Anxiety and sought relief in a subjective lifestyle. His description matched my own experience. He continued… “In the subjective life, the Self identifies only with its subjective nature. By becoming completely subject, it relieves its Anxiety. Yet the Self is still in Despair. It does not will to be itself as a relation, which is in fact its true nature. The Self does not realize this of course. It believes to be free, to be discovering itself when in fact, the Self simply adopts a new method of self-avoidance. It relates to itself according to its perceptions, seeking rich mental endeavors in an attempt to remove itself from all aspects of the objective world, including a part of itself. It rejects all forms of materialism. The Self identifies only with matters it believes to be unchanging and permanent, holding anything transient to be of no significance. Perhaps it loses touch with its old hobbies and friends, stops recognizing itself in the mirror and sees no importance in personal hygiene. The Self sees its body as merely a distraction from its true nature. It wastes no time on people or things accepted to be outside of its control. The Self rarely unleashes itself to act on a whim, maintaining a life of quiet reservation. Eventually, the Self may feel Anxiety over its own lack of ability to perform certain mental tasks, such as music, mathematics or other forms of the intellectual life. More likely however, it enters Anxiety over the lack of meaning it finds within itself. It Despairs over a deficiency of its own objective nature. Disconnected from the world as a whole, the Self becomes fantastic and lost in its own emptiness. This torments the Self…” “I would return to my layer in distress over the abomination of my peers. ‘Do they not understand? Do they somehow not realize their own worth? Could not they not find it in themselves to be more? Do they not know themselves on such a level? How can live the way they do? Taking each other for granted…objectifying each other! How can they live with such ignorance? How can they look themselves in the mirror, look themselves in the eye? How can they go about their days so oblivious to the reality that faces them beneath the surface? How can they look away, look around, look anywhere? Look at yourself! Quit avoiding yourself! Know yourself…know yourself as you are! Do not take yourself to be so free, so fun loving, so open and spontaneous. Do not fool yourself into thinking that you know the truth, that you hold it close to yourself at night, that you understand yourself in such a way. Do not believe the lies they feed you, the lies about who you are, about what a great person you are. For you are not the half the person you believe to be. You can hardly stand to existence with yourself. Instead you avoid your own nature, pretending to be like the others in the way the present themselves, the way they take joy in themselves, lust over themselves. Day and day I say you, afraid to know intimacy, to know the real substance of your life and yourself. You are more! Be more…oh please be for me. I need you to stand beside me, to stand for something real. For I have given myself to you only to be cursed by the knowledge I choose to accept and you deny. I have found myself and now crushes me, leaves me alone. I stand alone in desperation for the world, for its awakening to reality.” The Ethical Life “…If the Self Despairs over the lack of meaning in its life it desires another change in lifestyle. It can, and most do, return to a previous form of the aesthetic life. However, upon failure of life as both subject and object, the Self may deduce the need for integration of the two. Thus, it may seek a synthesis by pursuing the ethical life. In this lifestyle, the Self considers its identity only as it relates to its Ideal Self, where it believes a synthesis to lie. That is, in becoming its Ideal Self, it believes it can forever allay Despair. This aspiration offers a new Resolution from Anxiety. Although one may think the Self has finally found truth, it only discovers a new form of Despair. For it fails to recognize that the Ideal Self is not the True Self, the actual place of lasting union. The Self knows its Resolution requires time to complete and may feel comfortable living in its pursuit, keeping in mind that eventually it will become its Ideal Self (or so it believes). It makes a long-term commitment to itself to be the person it wishes to be, carrying out certain duties it holds itself responsible for. However, it is possible that the Self aches for a quicker solution, in which case it takes the ethical to an extreme. With absolute devotion to its new goal, the Self develops a strict code by which to live by. It gives itself rules, declaring each action to be either right or wrong. The Self holds each choice as essential in reaching its Ideal Self. What the Self fails to realize is that, its Ideal Self, of which is yearns to become, this Self cannot be reached. For it is impossible for the Self to live up to its own standards. With time, the Self becomes frustrated, upset with itself over its own inability to adhere to the rules. The Self makes some personal gains of course, and its consciousness grows, but instead of being satisfied, the Self increases its own demands for itself. With greater self-knowledge comes ever more potent grasping of weakness.” “A turkey sandwich, a banana and a glass of milk…A turkey sandwich, a banana and a glass of milk. Thus I lived in a compulsion, constantly in need to better myself. I wanted to reach my full human potential and had my eye on the mark. I craved, lusted to be myself in this way. “I’ll come home, I’ll meditate, and be in bed by ten…I’ll come home, I’ll meditate, and be in bed by ten.” I grew vain, in love with myself. Yet infuriated, completely disgusted with my weaknesses. I became split, knowing myself only as love and hate, as real and Ideal. ‘A turkey sandwich, a banana and a glass of milk…A turkey sandwich , a banana and a glass of milk.’ I repulsed my lack of ability to meet the standards we had agreed on. That is, the one’s I accorded with my Ideal Self. ‘I’ll come home, I’ll meditate, and I’ll be in bed by ten…I’ll come home, I’ll meditate, and I’ll be in bed by ten.’ This Ideal tormented me, ‘How hard is it Kevin? What are you scared of Kevin? Can you not face yourself? Is your will so weak? Can you not follow your own purpose, the purpose you know will make you stronger, the purpose that is you, that gives meaning to your otherwise insignificant life?’ A turkey sandwich, a banana and a glass of milk…A turkey sandwich, a banana and a glass of milk.” Its assault knew no end, ‘How dare you look at yourself, look at me? You are not worthy to face me Kevin, you’re pathetic! You cannot overcome your simplest desires nor the material fervor that is standing in your way. Have you not learned? Have you not seen they do to you? These passions make you a slave Kevin. You’re a slave, nothing more than a rat behind bars, an addict seduced by his habits. You have fastened yourself to your own weaknesses, your hedonist pleasures being links in your chain. ‘I’ll come home, I’ll meditate and be in bed by ten…I’ll come home, I’ll meditate and be in bed by ten’.” The Religious Life “What a horrible story you tell.” I said at this point, “Is there any beyond the ethical life? “Oh yes…” he began slowly, “but few seek this wisdom. For the remainder of their days, most Selves drift between lifestyles and the according Resolutions. Deep down they become disillusioned with life itself, finding the whole process without meaning yet choosing not to act. If the Self is to continue, it must learn a valuable lesson: That the Self is not perfect and will never be perfect. It must come to know itself as it is, accepting its weaknesses, faults and wrongdoings and claiming them as its own. It reaches the height of consciousness when it accepts itself as neither just physical nor an ethereal perceiver, rather as the perfect relation between these natures. The Self must eliminate identification with any other notion of itself. It must be able to give up everything earthly in order to know itself, and if lacking this capacity, the Self remains in Despair. It must will to be itself despite any burden that may bring. Living of this sort marks the religious life.” “What does it mean to live in such a way?” “None so much demand as the religious, it requires an undying passion and surrender to life. A Self of this kind lives without pride, it offers an unending love for existence and for the trials of its being – for its intensity knows no limit. Even in mourning, the Self is grateful for the blessing to know of its nature on such a profound level. It moves to a place beyond right and wrong, leaving that distinction for the ethical life. Only in this way does the Self conceive its own meaning, no longer distinguishing between the value of itself and that of an ‘other’, it knows the oneness of itself and the world. To live in this synthesis is to stand before God.” “Is this truly possible for a Self to sustain?” “No, not sustain” he answered, “but if the Self strives for this connection, lives with its sole intention as to attain unity, that is all it can do. With time and practice, it will experience moments of immense power and significance. These moments captivate and define the Self.” “What must I do to enter such a state?” He turned, looked at me in the eyes and replied, “Go back to your cave and build a fire, for it is getting late.” “Where will you be?” I asked. “Where am I now?” The flames danced before me in a mystic trance as sat I with my back to the stone cave wall. Pondering the day, I entered a deep contemplation ‘It is you who choose this place, not I.’ ‘Is my name not your own?’ ‘Where am I now?’ His abstruse words I failed to understand. ‘Who is the Wiseman? Could he be right?’ The heavens began to thunder and rain barreled down from a starless sky. Its hammering on the boulders outside prompted a return to normal consciousness. I stood at that moment, suddenly aware of what I must do. I stepped into rain; like ice, it sank into my hair, into my skin. I reached my arms above my head and screamed, announcing myself to the world. With bare feet in the mud, I began to run as hard as I could. Fiercely pumping my arms, I became a wild beast. Tormented by its cage, I became beast that sought freedom in its own madness. With rage and ecstasy I tore into the night. Water whipped across my face with violence, only feeding the ferociousness I held within. I felt it coming, a blinding light in the distance, it came to engulf my spirit. It arrived with an angelic blast of righteousness and I leapt into its brilliance. The sky opened to reveal a golden sunset painted red with truth. Bliss came over me as I opened the cage; the cage I held myself in, the cage of my Ideal Self and the cage of meaninglessness, the cage of humanity broke. I was free from the cage of doubt, Anxiety, lust and Despair. I broke free from the cage of life and death, of right and wrong, of you and me. I reached the synthesis. While remaining beast, I knew myself as divine, perceived a unity within. The heavens looked on as I rejoiced in the thunderous downpour. I could not stop screaming, I could not stop crying…I could not have asked for anything more. The Dying Truth The following morning, I beheld the Wiseman meditating on a rock. I noted his knee less swollen then yesterday and a touch of color he held in his face. “Thank you sir, for now I understand your name,” I said to him. “I know that it be also mine and that of anyone else in this valley. You are the discoverable Truth inside of each one of us…But I must know, why on the path with you comes a burden so severe?” He smiled, “In my deepest fears lives a apocalypse of wisdom, when the final Truth seeker has perished and when my voice rings its last in a desolate valley. For in this day and age, humans care not of things of real worth, they distract themselves any way they can from the Honest Eyes that stare them down. Truth be it that my arduous companionship requires sacrifice of those who seek it, and as you know, bearing that load on one’s own is a strain that ranks second to none. Most cower from this responsibility, leaving its works to be carried out by a few dignified souls. Yet, the burden would not be so immense nor the world so cold, if more sought the Mountains of Truth. If everyone lent a hand, I could be like a king carried on a golden bed. My words would sound throughout the world in perfect clarity and prominence. Sadly, now is not such a time – so help yourself and I, bring this knowledge into the world so that one day, we may achieve such a grand awakening of humanity.”
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