Doctor Trek - Sammy's War (4) device. He walked toward her, preparing to fire, when he slipped and fired at Ian instead. Instantly, Ian became a rather attractive young woman, vaguely resembling Marla Sokoloff from 'The Practice'. "Oh, my giddy aunt," Who flustered. "Oh Ian, I'm so sorry about that." Ian looked at himself in the mirror, examining his new body. "Oh... I don't know... that's alright, Captain. Quite alright." "Never mind, it was only on mild. The effect is temporary. You'll change back in an hour or so, not to worry," Who assured. "Oh," Ian looked vaguely disappointed. "But Ms... Mr Wok," Who examined the device, frowning. "I'm sorry, but the device has damaged your genetic make-up. This has been done to you twice, don't forget. If we use it once more, your cells will simply disintegrate and you'll die." Who looked at his oldest friend. "I'm so very sorry, but I'm afraid you're stuck being Mr Wok again permanently." Ian walked over, shook Wok's hand, and pried the wedding ring off his finger. "Nice to have met you," he said. "Bye," he headed for the door. "Ian, you can't go!" Who protested. "Why?" Ian frowned. "Because I say so!" Who said pointedly. "Your part in the plot isn't over yet!" "There's a plot?" Frobisher was surprised. "I thought it was just a series of cheap gags." "Are we going soon?" the Doctor tapped his pocket watch meaningfully. "Yes, yes, come on!" Who herded Ian, Mr Wok, Frobisher, Fred, Sammy, Ace and the Doctor into the TARDIS. "What about him?" he asked the Doctor, indicating the captive Great Idiot. "Oh, don't worry," the Doctor assured. "The Brigadier will be along in a moment to pick him up." "The BRIGADIER..." Who moaned, shaking his head. With a wheezing, groaning sound (C), the TARDIS disappeared from the office. (C) Terrance Dicks CHAPTER NINE Captain Who sat the Doctor down in the TARDISPRISE cinema. "I really haven't the time to watch a film," the Doctor grumbled. "Watch this one," Who started the film. With a bang, the credits for a Sylvester McCoy 'Doctor Who' story filled the screen. At the end of the opening sequence, the title "BATTLEFIELD BY BEN AARONOVITCH" came up, faded, and was replaced by an image of Nicholas Courtney in a garden centre. "Brigadier?" the Doctor frowned. Who shook his head and left him to it. Ian was taking a shower in the TARDISPRISE communal showers when Ace joined him, taking off her clothes and joining him under the hot spray. Ian stared at her in disbelief. He'd fancied this girl for years on tv, and now she was... she was... Ace noticed his attention. "Oh, God," she said. "I didn't think... you're still a guy in your head, aren't you?" Ian's clitoris was standing rigidly to attention. "More than you know," he said. Ace suddenly found herself noticing how beautiful Ian was, and what a gorgeous body he had, what fantastic, supple, rounded breasts... Ian and Ace stood close together, looking into each other's eyes under the hot spray. Who joined Fred and Frobisher in the console room. He hit a button, and the teleport cubicle materialised in it's rightful position. "Right," Who examined the instruments. "Let's see if we can find the source of the dimensional disruption." Sammy came into the console room. "Captain, all I want is to find Cody." "I know, Sammy, I know," Who scowled at the scanner. "One thing at a time. Let's see what I can find." Ace reached out and touched Ian's arm. It was hot and wet and slick and oh so very feminine. "I've... had fantasies about being with girls," Ace admitted. "Me too," Ian admitted. "But I never..." Ace put her arms around Ian and drew him close. Ian's breasts touched hers. "But I guess, in a way, if we were to make love, it wouldn't REALLY be lesbian sex, would it?" "The right answer to that is..?" Ian questioned. "No Ace, of course not," Ace told him. "No Ace, of course not," Ian repeated. "Good." Ace drew him close and they kissed passionately. "Oh, no," Who stared at the scanner. "The entire universe has changed! Fictional planets sitting in the same solar systems as real ones! This is chaos. Absolute chaos!" Who shook his head. "Oh, no!" "What is it now?" Fred sighed. "The source of the disruption; it's a kind of electromagnetic beam, emanating from a huge spacecraft orbiting one planet," Who whispered. "Which planet?" Fred asked, because she knew he wanted her to. Who's voice was hushed. "Skaro," he said. Ace led Ian to her bedroom and they had passionate lesbian sex. "I'll cook supper," said the Doctor. With that, the "Dr Who" credits came up, signalling the end of "Battlefield". "The Doctor - Sylvester McCoy" read one credit. "Ace - Sophie Aldred" read another. The Doctor sat in the darkened cinema, watching the screen. Tears were rolling down his cheeks. Ace and Ian rolled off each other, gasping. "That was... amazing," Ace gasped. "I just fulfilled a boyhood fantasy," Ian admitted. He looked down at his own body. "Well, two actually." The Doctor entered the console room. Who looked at his face and winced. "I'm sorry," he said. The Doctor didn't meet his eyes. "How do we stop this thing?" he demanded. "Oh... MY!" In a second, the Marla Sokoloff lookalike disappeared, and Ian was Ian again. Ace looked at him approvingly. "Two for one," she giggled, and climbed atop him. "Are you ready for another round?" She looked down at him. "Ah, I see that you are." "Skaro," said Who. The homeworld of the dreaded Daleks was on the TARDISPRISE scanner. "It shouldn't even exist in our universe. But there it is. And that's where the disruption is coming from, or the mothership orbiting the planet, at least." "So it's the Daleks behind the disruption," the Doctor beamed. "Excellent. Daleks are MY territory. And fictional or not, I've never once yet failed to kick their butts!" "Fetch Ian and Ace," Who instructed. "No," Wok entered the console room. "Leave them. They're... busy right now." Ian thrust into Ace again and again, driving her to the peak of unbelievable ecstasy. "Yes... yes..." Ace moaned. "WICKED!" CHAPTER TEN The Dalek mothership hung in orbit around Skaro. Inside, a wheezing, groaning sound* heralded the arrival of the teleport cubicle in one of the many gleaming white corridors. Who, Wok, Fred, Frobisher, Sammy and the Doctor climbed out. "We have to find the bridge. The Dalek Emperor," Who said. "He's the one behind all this." "Split up. We'll find it faster that way," the Doctor advised. "But be careful." They split up in different directions. Who, Frobisher, Fred and Wok were crawling around one corridor when they turned a corner to see one Dalek rooting another Dalek up the backside with it's sucker arm. "OH - YEAH - OH - YEAH - THAT - HITS - THE - SPOT - ALRITE." "JUST - SHUT - UP - BITCH - AND - STAND - STILL." Who doffed his hat. "Sorry, fellas." He, Frobisher, Fred and Wok dashed away. Two Daleks were standing around a watercooler when Sammy crept past. "DID - YOU - SEE - AL - LY - MC - BEAL - LAST - NITE?" one Dalek inquired. "YES - IT - WAS - TE - RRI - BLY - GOOD - WAS - ENT - IT?" replied the other. "IN - DEED - THAT CA - LIS - TA - FLOCK - HART - IS - A - BABE." "I A - GREE. TO - TA - LLY - EX - TER - MI - NA - TA - BLE, IF - YOU - KNOW - WHAT - I - MEAN - EH?" Sammy crept away as the Daleks broke into dirty chuckles. The Doctor found Who, Wok, Fred and Frobisher. "I've found the bridge," he announced. "The Emperor is in there." "Right," Who marched after him. Sammy found himself in a room with a glass Dalek. A hideous, mutated creature with a disgusting vein throbbing disgustingly on it's temple was inside it. "Sorry. Wrong room," Sammy apologised, ready to leave. "SA - MY?" the Dalek grated. Sammy turned. "Sorry?" "SA - MY - DON'T - LEAVE - ME," the Dalek pleaded. Sammy blinked. "Sorry, do I know you from somewhere?" he asked ridiculously. "IT'S - ME," the Dalek replied. "CO - DY." Sammy stared at the glass Dalek in horror. Captain Who, Mr Wok, Fred, Frobisher and the Doctor marched into the console room. "Emperor Dalek!" the Doctor roared. Twelve Daleks swung to cover them with their weapons. "EX - TER - MI - NATE!" they roared. "NO!" The bulbous, dome-headed Emperor Dalek toddled into view. "Ah, Davros," the Doctor sneered. "I should have known." "DAV - ROS?" the Emperor Dalek sneered. "YOU - FINK - I'M DAVROS? YOU - FIC - SHA - NAL - NO - BO - DY! I - AM - NOT - DAV - ROS!" The top of the Emperor Dalek's head slid open to reveal it's contents. Who stared in shock. "I - AM - JIP!" "Cody?" His heart breaking, Sammy moved closer to the monstrosity within the glass Dalek. "Cody, my baby, is that really you?" "Speechless, Captain?" Jip leered. Or rather, his head did. That appeared to be all that was left of him inside the Dalek casing. "Jip!" Who could barely stand to look at his old adversary. "How?" he gasped. "Why?" "The how is simple, my dear Captain," Jip leered. "When Lawrence scattered me though time, my head ended up here." "But why?" Who demanded. "This dimensional instability could destroy BOTH universes! Why do it?" "Because," Jip spat. "All the terrible things I ever did was for the love of a woman. She never wanted me. If I can't have her, nobody can!" Sammy peered into the top of the glass Dalek to find a grotesque redhead attached to the wires. "You're not Cody!" "YES - I - AM." "No, you're not," Sammy snapped. "YES - I - AM." "No, you're not!" Sammy replied. "I KNOW Cody. I LOVE Cody. Baby, you ain't even close." "BUT - I - SHOULD - HAVE - BEEN!" the pathetic, grotesque, fake redhead Cody wailed. "JIP - MADE - ME - TO - BE - HER - IDENTICAL - ROBOT - DOUBLE." "You look absolutely nothing like her," Sammy snapped. "IT - FOOLED - EVERYONE - IN - RAMSAY - STREET," 'Cody' objected. "Oh, bite me," Sammy ran from the room. "A woman?" Who snapped. "All your evil - for a woman? Who?" "I loved her," Jip wailed pathetically. "I worshipped her from afar, across time and space, for so many years. I vowed that one day I would be with her. But even when I found her, when I crossed time and dimensions to be with her, she had already found another. She didn't want me!" "Oh, PUH - LEASE," Who rolled his eyes. "I think the plots in MY universe are more convincing," the Doctor commented. "I wouldn't bet on it," Frobisher replied. "Ever since that day in my youth, so long ago..." Jip whispered dreamily. "I was fifteen. I turned on the television, to a millennia-old re-run of "Neighbours"..." ""NEIGHBOURS"?" Who's eyes bulged. Sammy paused as he saw a Dalek glide up to a room with a tray of food in it's sucker arm. The door opened and the Dalek brought the food inside. A prisoner. A human prisoner. "Jip... tell me... what was the name of the girl you fell in love with from "Neighbours"?" Who inquired. "It was... Cody... the ORIGINAL CODY WILLIS!" Jip shrieked insanely. "Oh, my lord," Who rolled his eyes. "What is it about that chick?" Frobisher wanted to know. "'Cause I don't see it myself, you know." "I don't want your food!" The prisoner was female. "EAT!" the Dalek shrieked. "YOU - WILL - EAT!" "I just want to go home!" the girl cried in an Australian accent. Sammy's jaw dropped. "Cody..." "If I can't have her, no one will!" Jip ranted. "No one will love if I can't! No one will love anyone! There won't BE anyone! The universe, BOTH universes, ALL universes - SHALL CEASE TO EXIST!" "You're mad," Who gasped. "You're utterly mad!" Sammy ran into the room and pushed the Dalek into the wall. "CODY!" "SAMMY!" His Cody, his one true beloved Cody, ran to him and embraced him. "How did you find me?" "I came across time and space to get you back, babe," Sammy winked. "Run!" Holding hands, they fled the room as the Dalek regained it's bearings. Sammy and Cody ran onto the bridge. "Captain! I found her!" Sammy yelled. "That's great, Sammy," Who grimaced. "But I'm - er - kind of in the middle of a situation here." "KILL - THEM!" Jip snarled. "EX - TER - MI - NATE - THEM!" "Wait!" the Doctor held up a finger. "Two seconds." Two seconds passed and alarms blared all over the Dalek ship. "WHAT - IS - HAPPE - NING?!" Jip shrieked. "SELF - DE - STRUCT - SE - QUEN - CE - IN - I - TI - A - TED," a Dalek reported. "NO!" Jip shrieked. "Who did that?" Who wondered. "I did," the Doctor smiled smugly. "You didn't have time!" Who objected. "No," the Doctor smirked, "but I will do." "That's cheating," Who reproved. "Don't complain - just run!" the Doctor, Who, Wok, Fred, Frobisher, Sammy and Cody fled. "AF - TER - THEM!" Jip yelled. "EX - TER - MI -NATE - THEM!" Who, Wok, Fred, Frobisher, Sammy, Cody and the Doctor dived into the teleport cubicle and it dematerialised. "FIVE - SE - CONDS - TO - SELF - DES - TRUC - TION," a Dalek screeched. "NO!" Jip roared. "THIS - CANNOT - BE - CORRECT!" "TWO - ONE - " "OH - CO - DY," Jip screeched. "WHY - COOD - ENT - U - LUV - ME - LIKE - I - LOVED - YOU?" The Dalek mothership exploded into a thousand million pieces. * * * * Later. "So, the beam cut off when the Dalek ship was destroyed, and the fiction universe and the real one have separated and gone back the way they should be," Who beamed as he addressed the Doctor, Ace, Ian, Wok, Sammy, Cody, Fred and Frobisher in the TARDISPRISE console room. "Excellent," the Doctor beamed. "Well, all's well that ends well." He headed for the TARDIS. "Come along, Ace." "I - I'm not coming with you," Ace said slowly. The Doctor turned. "What... what did you say?" "I'm not coming with you," Ace took Ian's hand. "I'm going to stay in Australia with Ian. We're - we're going to get married. We're in love, you see." "I give it six months," Wok said darkly. "Nah," Frobisher disagreed. "They'll stay together forever." "You think so?" Wok asked. "Sure," Frobisher nodded. "After all, she's unlikely to turn into a man after two years, isn't she?" "Well, I knew you had to leave sometime before I took the Master's remains from Skaro," the Doctor confessed. "But I never thought this would turn out to be the reason." "Me neither," Ian admitted. Ace hugged the Doctor tightly. "Take care of yourself, Professor," she sniffed. "I will, Ace. I will," the Doctor headed for the TARDIS. "Goodbye, Ace." He stepped inside. "Goodbye," Ace swallowed as the TARDIS dematerialised in front of her, "Doctor." She turned and hugged Ian, sobbing into his arms. "Well, I'd best get you two back to Earth," Who acknowledged. "Sammy, Cody - Ramsay Street? It should be free of Dalek duplicates now." "Er - no," Sammy shook his head. "Let's try the real world for a change." "I don't care. Anywhere's fine as long as it's with you," Cody kissed him tenderly. Frobisher vomited into a corner. Ian and Ace left the console room. "And Mr Wok?" Who said finally. "What about you? You're welcome to rejoin us aboard the TARDISPRISE." "Oh, no," said Frobisher. "No, thanks," Wok refused politely. He looked a tad glum, though. His marriage was over and he was a man again. Even worse - "I'm going to have to retrain myself to start liking girls again, aren't I?" he grumbled.
Copyright © 2002 Ian Kidd |