Doctor Trek - Sammy's War (2)
"You haven't heard of Camp Crystal Lake?" the can driver was shocked. "All those Friday the 13th killings over the past decade?" "Friday the 13th?" Realisation began to dawn on Sammy. "I've suddenly got a bad feeling about this." "Oh, don't bother yourself about it, lad," the cab driver laughed. "That Vorhees fellow was done in yonks back." "I'm sure," Sammy mused. "I'm just trying to work out what sequel we're on." With that, the cab driver decided he'd better stop talking to the loony fat git in the back seat. Lynda was waiting when the cab pulled up outside Camp Crystal Lake. "Hello, Sammy," she smiled. "I hope you've got a story good enough to justify the cost of your plane ticket." "What are you saying, Lynda?" Sammy chided. "Are you saying the money wasn't worth it just for the simple pleasure of seeing me again?" "Of course not, Sammy," Lynda smiled warmly. "We'll just bill you." Sammy laughed. "I hope you aren't planning on staying here. I don't believe we've reached 'The Final Friday' just yet." Lynda looked at him, bemused. Screams rocked the camp, making them both jump into the air. "What the HELL was that?" Sammy yelled. "A story!" Lynda raced toward the source of the screams. "Hey, wait!" Realising Lynda was his best shot of both finding Cody and finding out what the hell had really happened in Ramsay Street, Sammy charged after her. He barged into the swimming pool area, colliding with Lynda, who had stopped in shock. Sammy saw with some surprise the cast - characters, he reminded himself - from that nauseating teen soap 'Beverly Hills 90210', that he'd immediately loathed from the first episode. He also saw with rather less surprise that all except the ugly one - who was cowering on her knees in front of an knife wielding, dripping wet, hockey mask wearing murderer who had once been one of Sammy's heroes - were chopped up, decapitated, mutilated, eviscerated, and generally done in. "Spare me!" the ugly one breathed. Jason gutted her. "My God," Lynda breathed. "This is one helluva story." "My God," Sammy breathed. "I've always wanted to see that." Jason turned and stared impassively at them. "Uh - oh," Lynda breathed. "This may be a great story, but I'd kind of planned on being alive to tell it." She fled, leaving Sammy on his own. Jason strode up to him and looked him up and down. "I don't suppose you'd change your mind about killing me if I told you I was one of your biggest fans?" Sammy questioned. Jason raised his machete. "Thought not." Sammy ducked as Jason swung the deadly weapon. "Sammy!" Lynda hissed, beckoning to him from the doorway of a log cabin. "Come on!" Sammy dashed over and in, slamming the door behind them, gasping for breath. "Does something like this happen every time you go on holiday?" Lynda questioned. There was a light, gentle knock on the door. Tentatively, Sammy opened it. Jason stood there, machete in hand, chest heaving as though possessed by some moral outrage. "God!" Lynda sounded terrified. "Sammy - stop him!" "Stop him?" Sammy almost laughed. "Stop him, she says. This isn't just your average, run-of-the-mill axe-wielding, mask-wearing, undead serial killer, it's Jason Vorhees! The guy's a bloody legend!" Jason raised the machete. "Sammy!" Lynda screamed. "Oh, alright. Stop bleating, woman," Sammy ducked another swipe of the machete and waved an admonishing finger at Jason. "Now you're beginning to annoy me." Sammy kicked Jason between the legs, so hard it made Lynda wince. Jason gazed at him with a typically blank expression, and then dropped to the floor, unmoving. Lynda gasped. "Well done, Sammy!" she clapped. "Right," Sammy grabbed her arm. "Now let's get the hell out of here!" "What for?" Lynda protested. "He's stopped - and it's a great story." "Lynda," Sammy explained patiently, like he was talking to a small child, "he's going to get back up in a minute and try to chop our heads off. God, how many of these have there BEEN?" Sammy dragged her away. * * * * "Yeah, that's right, officer. Willis, Cody." Lynda was using her femininity to flatter New York police detective John Kelly into using the police force's international resources to find Sammy's lost love. "She was supposed to be at some US uni, but we've discovered she never made it there - despite several letters stating she had. We believe something may have happened to her." Sammy sat on a nearby chair, disconsolate. He should have been thrilled to discover Cody may still love him, but he wasn't. If someone had forced her to write that letter, dumping her love in the hope everyone would forget her, it was probably someone who made Jason Vorhees look like a pussy. And what the hell did all that weird zombie shit in Ramsay Street have to do with it? All his life, crazy shit had been making his life senseless and unhappy, and just when he'd found a place to call home, the weird stuff had started again, and cost him his happiness. He just hoped it hadn't cost Cody her life. John Kelly looked at him sympathetically. "Do you have a photo of Miss Willis, Sammy?" "Yeah." Tight-lipped, Sammy pulled a crumpled, worn photo from his wallet, gazed at it, and handed it over. Kelly looked at it. "She's pretty," he commented. "She's beautiful," Sammy sighed sadly. "I hope I'll get to see her again." "I'm sure you will," Kelly turned to Lynda. "I'll put this photo through our records. If she's known anywhere between here and Afghanistan, we'll know. If not, I promise to put her at the top of our missing persons list." "Thank you, officer," Lynda smiled. Kelly left. She turned to look at Sammy. He had his head in his hands. It was almost an hour later that Kelly returned. "We've found her," he said. Sammy leapt up. "Where?" "Adelaide, Australia," Kelly told him. "Adelaide?" Sammy frowned. Of course, it made sense now. Everyone always left 'Neighbours' to go to Adelaide! "Under what circumstances?" Lynda asked. "Arrested on a drugs charge," Kelly reported. Sammy was incredulous. "Drugs? My Cody?" This was absurd. Cody was about as likely to take drugs as OJ Simpson was to murder his wife. "That's another thing," Kelly said. "She's not called Cody Willis." "What is she called?" Sammy was getting a bad feeling about this. He'd been having a lot of bad feelings lately. He'd have to give up drinking coffee, that's for sure. "Frid," Kelly reported. "Amelia Frid." Sammy went white. "I don't believe this." Kelly shook his head. "It's bizarre, but if it's any comfort, the drugs charge was thrown out. Mistaken identity or something. I'll give you the address if you like." Sammy was sitting on a plane. The plane was in the clouds, heading for Australia. Lynda had gone back to England. He felt alone. How could he tell her Amelia Frid was the actress who played Cody Willis in a tv soap made in a parallel universe from which he'd originated? How could he tell anyone? They'd have him locked up. And why was Amelia Frid in this universe? And the biggest whys of all, why had he left Captain Who? Why had he joined Captain Who? Why had he gone to school? Why had he been an orphan? Why had he fallen in love with a fictional character? Why couldn't he have stayed in the real world and just stalked Amelia Frid like a normal person would have done? Why? Why? Why, fucking WHY? And the final why, that stayed in his head long after he fell asleep. Why had he fallen in love with a girl he could never realistically or even unrealistically have? Sammy fell deep into slumber, even as the passenger next to him started gabbling about a gremlin eating one of the plane wings. Sammy hailed a cab outside Adelaide Airport, and was surprised to have to wait nearly half an hour before one stopped for him. He'd gotten used to cabs stopping practically the moment he raised his arm. But then, they always did in the movies. When a cab finally did pull up, Sammy climbed hurriedly in the back seat. "Where to, mate?" the cab driver asked in a horribly thick Australian accent. Sammy gave him the address. The cab pulled out of the airport. "You visiting relatives?" the cab driver asked. "No," Sammy replied. "I'm trying to figure out why the woman I love - who was a fictional character, by the way - suddenly seems to have gone and turned real." With that, the cab driver decided he'd better stop talking to the loony fat git in the back seat. The cab pulled up outside the address Sammy had been given, a nice, quiet suburban street, and an attractive but unremarkable house. Sammy climbed out, paying the driver and giving him a ten cent tip. The driver looked at him contemptuously. "Tight git," he muttered before speeding off. Sammy turned to the house, walking up the garden path and taking a deep breath. He wasn't sure what he expected to find inside. Judging by the way the last few days had been progressing, a pack of blood-thirsty rabid dogs, all answering to the name 'Cujo', didn't appear to be out of the question. He rang the bell. The door was flung open. "Yes?" Sammy couldn't believe his eyes. It was Cody. True, she looked a few years older, but it was definitely her. He threw his arms around her in delight. "Oh God, Cody, I'm so glad I've found you! I love you!" he cried in delight. The girl kneed him in the balls. He sank to his knees in agonising pain, and she hit him across the head with the telephone. "Fucking freak," said Amelia Frid. CHAPTER FOUR Sammy awoke to find two burly SA police officers picking him up off the floor. "Please - don't shoot me!" he gibbered. "What did he do, Miss Frid?" the cop asked. "He hugged me, and said he loved me. I mean, what a fucking weirdo!" Amelia said. Sammy was shocked. "Cody, how can you - " "Who's Cody?" the policeman was befuddled. "I played Cody Willis in 'Neighbours'," Amelia explained. "I guess he fell in love and sees me as her. The guy's clearly mentally fucking deranged." "It's not what you think," Sammy cried. "I can explain!" "Go on, then." "I'm not a weirdo stalker. I'm just a kid who got picked up by a space-time ship and sent to a parallel universe where fiction is real, and where Cody Willis loved me. She vanished, you see, and it seems I've somehow ended up back in reality," Sammy gabbled. "I'm not crazy or anything, honest." The policemen looked at him and then each other. "Let's just shoot him," one suggested. Sammy made a break for it and ran. "After him!" the policemen followed. "Get him!" Amelia cried. "Catch the WEIRDO!" * * * * Ian Kidd and his beautiful young wife Ms Wok were strolling around Franklins supermarket, hand in hand. "You're such an asshole," Ms Wok commented. "Oh, thank you," Ian smirked. "Just what a husband wants to hear on his wedding anniversary." "You know what I mean," Ms Wok nudged him. "We come all the way back through time and space to spend Christmas in oz in 1998 with your parents - and you go and say a thing like that!" "Well, I thought it was funny," Ian chuckled. "Come to that, so did Richard. Hey - so did you!" Flashback. Christmas dinner at the Kidd house. "So, Ian," Mike sniffed contemptuously. "How are you enjoying married life, then?" "Fine," Ian replied. "The sex is particularly good." Mum and Mike choked, Wok smirked, and Richard burst out laughing. "It's the oral that really gets me going, though," Ian beamed. Mike's eyes bulged. Mum fainted. "No," Ian shook his head. "I still think I'm right. It WAS bloody funny." "True, too," Ms Wok eyed him cheekily. "Oh, very true," Ian and Wok kissed. As they wandered about the supermarket, lost in a romantic daze, they failed to notice a curiously familiar, curly-haired, rotund figure watching them from another aisle. It was her. He could barely believe it. After all these years, there she was, innocently wandering around the supermarket with her toyboy without a care in the world. He wondered if Captain Who was with her. That would make his revenge perfect. But even if he wasn't, she'd do. The suffering, the humiliation he'd endured due to her and her friends. But now, seeing her, so many years later, looking not a day older, it was all worth it. Soon, he would have his revenge. The Great Idiot stuck his head out from behind the aisle and grinned widely. Ian and Ms Wok paid for their goods and left. The Great Idiot began to follow her, still carrying his unpaid goods. "Hey!!" the store manager, a thin faced, pimply youth, stopped him. "You haven't paid for - " "Suck on my rectal passage," the Great Idiot made a grab for the youth's testicles and crushed them in his hand. Leaving him writhing on the floor, the Great Idiot burst out of the store and began looking for Ian and Ms Wok. Ian had stopped off at another shop and Ms Wok was heading home, when Sammy Davis Jnr, still on the run from the police, suddenly came crashing down on the street next to her, having spectacularly failed to surreptitiously climb up a drainpipe. Ms Wok stared at Sammy in bemused recognition. "Sammy? Sammy Davis Jnr? What are YOU doing here?" Sammy stood up, brushing himself down. "Do I know you?" "It's me - Ms Wok." "Ms Wok?" Sammy frowned. "Any relation to MR Wok?" "Yeah. I used to BE Mr Wok," Ms Wok explained. Sammy looked a bit sick. "Oh...er... Operation went well, then, I guess." "It wasn't like that," Ms Wok assured. "If you say so," Sammy said patronisingly. Getting irritated, Ms Wok changed the subject. "Where's Cody?" Sammy looked at her. "That," he began, "is a very, VERY long story." CHAPTER FIVE Ian had returned and he, Sammy and Ms Wok had discussed the situation. "If the real world and the fiction world are converging," Wok began, " and from what you said, Sammy, it sounds like they're in two different time zones, too - this could be a major cosmic disaster. I think we should call Captain Who." "The summoning device," Ian realised. "It's at my folks' house." There was a knock on the door of their rented apartment, and Ian went to answer it, to find himself facing fifteen young men, all of whom were clad in "Crows" football team t-shirts, scarves and caps. Even their faces were painted "Crows" colours. They looked like something out of a travelling circus sideshow. "Yes?" Ian looked at them with the reserve he always reserved for people who looked on the other end of the spectrum known as 'sanity'. "You're Ian Kidd, right?" "Er - I suppose so," Ian began, somewhat befuddled. "How'd you - " "So she must be Wok. Ms Wok," the weirdo leader replied. "Yes, I suppose I must," Ms Wok tossed her hair back dismissively. "Good." The weirdo drew a large, alien-looking gun. "That's what I thought." "Hey - " Ian protested. The weirdo shot him and Ms Wok down. Sammy turned to run, and was also shot down. The Crows fans seized Ms Wok and Ian's motionless bodies and began dragging them away, leaving Sammy lying comatose on the floor. Sammy awoke to find night had fallen and the apartment was in darkness. His two friends had gone, taken by their attackers. "I just can't catch a goddamn break, can I?" Sammy groaned. Now what the hell was he supposed to do? Then he remembered Ian's words about the summoning device. Sammy began looking around the apartment for Ian's parents' address. Sammy burst into the Kidd house, way past being discreet. "Mrs Kidd!" he cried. "Hello, Ian," Mrs Kidd was "rearranging" cushions on the sofa. "I'm not Ian. I'm Sammy Davis Jnr," Sammy protested. " I don't look anything like Ian." "Of course you don't, dear." Sammy shook his head. "Ian and Ms Wok have gone!" "Oh, never mind, dear. I'm sure she'll be back." "No - you don't understand," Sammy shook his head excitedly. "Oh, I know. Mothers never do, do they?" Mrs Kidd smiled patronisingly. "But don't worry. All couples fight, you know." "No, no!" Sammy waved his hands. "I remember my first fight with your father," Mrs Kidd smiled fondly, remembering. "He clouted me with a half-brick, so I brained him with a spanner. Oh, good times, good times." "Listen to me, you stupid woman - " "Oh, I hope you didn't call Wok that, Ian. No wonder she walked out on you," Mrs Kidd said disapprovingly. "Hello? Hello! I am NOT Ian. And Ms Wok didn't walk out, we were attacked!" Sammy yelled. "They've both been kidnapped!" "Don't worry, dear, I expect it's just PMS..." Mrs Kidd rambled. "Mrs Kidd! Listen to me!" Sammy grabbed her by the shoulders and shook her. "Your son and Ms Wok have been kidnapped. Where's that thing that Captain Who left with you?" "Thing?" Mrs Kidd looked at him blankly. "That... device. The one the Captain said Ian and Ms Wok could use to call him for help if ever they were in trouble," Sammy said. "The pointy thing? Yes dear, I remember," Mrs Kidd gave a disturbingly girlish grin at the thought of it. "What about it?" Sammy was nearly crying in exasperation. "Where is it?" "Ooh, I don't know..." Mrs Kidd began wandering the room. "Let me see..." she opened the cupboards. "It might be in here... no, no it isn't." "WHERE?" Sammy roared. "Alright, there's no need to shout," Mrs Kidd flustered. "I know I put it somewhere safe..." "Mrs Kidd... please!" Sammy begged. "WHERE IS IT?" * * * * Aboard the starship TARDISPRISE, flying in circles in deep space, Captain James T. Who was playing Scrabble with Albert Einstein and Caligula. Caligula played SEX. "30 points, triple word score," he beamed. "That's the fifth time you've had that word," Who frowned suspiciously. "In fact, I dare say it's the only word you've played so far. And I thought there was only one 'x' in the game." "You're thinking of Monopoly," Caligula assured. Who frowned. "Your go, Alby." Einstein played E=MC2. "12 points," he beamed. "Albert, there is no such word in the English language," Who pointed out. "And as a physics equation it's mighty suspect, too, I might add." "Just give him it," Caligula yawned. "I'm hungry. Do you have any children?" "No," Who snapped quickly. "Now wait a minute... Albert, where did you get a = tile in Scrabble, anyway?" "I just took it out of the bag," Albert huffed. Who looked at him sternly. "Really?" "Yes, really," Albert rolled up his sleeves. "Why - you wanna make something of it?" A loud ringing noise spread through the ship. Who cocked his head. "What's that?" "Never mind," Caligula told him. "It's your turn. Stop trying to wriggle out of it. Although, if you want to see something that wriggles..." Thankfully, it was at that point that Captain James T. Who woke up in his bed in the TARDISPRISE. "Lights," Who called. The lights came on. Who realised the ringing was coming from the console room. "What now?" Who threw the covers aside, revealing his frilly negligee, and put on his fluffy pink slippers. "It better not be another telemarketer from India. I'm getting bloody sick of them!" Who dashed into Fred's room. "Fred - " he stopped. Fred was on her bed in her pyjamas, holding a vibrator. "Oh, er - " Who hung his head embarrasedly. "I haven't used it," Fred went red. "I just... wondered what it was for." She threw it onto the floor. "Ow!" the vibrator howled. Fred's complexion went from red to white. "Frobisher!" she yelled, appalled. "You sick, sick - " The vibrator bobbed about cheekily. "Was it as good for you as it was for me?" Frobisher inquired. "Oh - oh..." Fred looked as if she was about to faint. "Enough of this tot!" Who waved his hands about. "Someone's trying to communicate with us! Quick - the console room!" He dashed away, Fred close behind, the vibrator floating after them, making happy noises. The vibrator joined Fred and the Captain in the console room. Who was examining the message bank. "It's a message!" he said excitedly. "Really," Fred said sarcastically. "I'd never have guessed," the vibrator added, bobbing about.
Copyright © 2002 Ian Kidd |