Doctor Trek - Parallel Universes (2) the wormholes from here? How?" "We use their energy supply to support our system," "Pane" revealed. "Remarkable piece of engineering, eh?" "Quite," Who frowned. "So their energy levels go DOWN when a wormhole opens - because they're unknowingly making the wormhole themselves?" "You got it," "Pane" agreed. Who turned to look at his companions. "Why am I suddenly getting a very bad feeling about this?" Frobisher contemplated. "I dunno. Too much caffeine, perhaps?" Jip charged into the control room of the TARDISPRISE. "I'm taking over this ship," he announced. Who, Wok, Frobisher, "Pane" and "Jip" exited the Piping Duct sector. "Check laser rifles," "Pane" instructed. They did so. "To the console bridge!" he roared. "It's time to kick ass!" Frobisher transformed into a sexy teenage girl. "I really can't stand all this macho bullshit," she commented. "Like hell you are!" Mr Bulu ran at Jip. Jip fired his laser rifle, blasting Bulu to the floor, quite dead. He looked around, grinning insanely. "Anyone else have any objections?" Unsurprisingly, no one had. The rebels barged into the console room. Who and co. hung back as "Pane" barged in, shooting relentlessly, killing the 'other' Who and co. "We're taking over!" "Pane" roared. "Any objections?" Wok barged behind the console desk. "Captain - another wormhole is opening - next to our TARDISPRISE! And according to this, our TARDISPRISE is revving up to go through it!" "What?" Who frowned. "Hailing frequencies open!" The screen flickered to reveal the black-clad megalomaniac at the helm of the TARDISPRISE. "Greetings, Captain," he chuckled. "Jip!" Who gasped. "Indeed," "Jip" cackled. "But I'm afraid I can't stay to enjoy this reunion. I have to be off." "What use is the TARDISPRISE to you?" Who roared. "What use?" Jip cackled. "The flagship of the Captain's fleet? With this I shall bring down those untouchable, omnipotent imbeciles. With this I shall rule the cosmos!" "The TARDISPRISE is the best," Who conceded. "But even that won't be able to take on all the Captain's fleet!" "Perhaps not," Jip chortled, "but any troublesome ships can always be sent through a wormhole, can't they? Au revoir, Captain!" "How far do you think you'll get, Jip?" Who demanded. "This ship has another you on! And another wormhole maker! Wherever you go, we'll track you down, Jip." "I've no doubt you would," Jip giggled. "That's why I'm going to do this!" he clicked his fingers. "Pane!" The TARDISPRISE began rocking back and forth. Who tried to keep his balance. "What's happening?!" "You're being dragged through another wormhole - a wormhole that leads into an entire universe made of fire. You won't last ten seconds!" Jip laughed insanely. "Still, you always did want to be cremated!" "Captain, he's right!" Wok garbled. "We don't stand a chance!" Who stared at the screen in terror. "Farewell, my friends," Jip crowed, waving his arm. "Farewell - forever!" CHAPTER FOUR The screen went black. "Pane!" Who roared. "Run back to your hideout and open up another wormhole for us to escape through! Once we go through this one, we'll have less than ten seconds to live! Go!" "Pane" charged off. "Generating some much-needed suspense at last, aren't we?" Frobisher commented. The TARDISPRISE went hurtling through the wormhole. The real TARDISPRISE was now safely back in the 'real' world, and Jip was gloating over his victory when Pane entered. "Master?" Pane croaked. "Yes Pane, what is it?" Jip answered irritably. "I was busy being wonderful and unpleasent." "We've won, haven't we Jip?" Pane fawned. "Indeed we have, Pane, indeed we have," Jip chuckled gleefully. "Well, could I have my reward now, then?" Pane began unbuckling his belt. Jip sighed. "Oh, very well Pane, you can have the bigger - " A crewman tapped Jip on the shoulder, thankfully interrupting him. "Mister Jip?" "Yes?" Jip sneered. "Could you reward me first?" the crewman pleaded. "It's just - ever since you came aboard, I've found you strangely attractive..." "What's so strange about it?" Jip retorted. "You're only human." "Well?" "Oh, alright," Jip yawned. "Pane?" "Yes?" "Sod off," Jip turned and purred at the crewman. "Very well, come here, Mr...Mr?" "Swok." 5, 6, 7... "Second wormhole opening!" Wok roared. "Go through it!" Who yelled. The TARDISPRISE plunged through the new wormhole just in time to avoid being burnt to a crisp in the 'flame' universe. "Phew," Who mopped his brow. "Everyone okay?" Wok examined the computer report. "Damage superficial," he reported. "Damage superficial!" Who leapt up in fury. "What do you mean, you blundering imbecile, you've triggered a ray-phase shift!" "You always blame me!" Wok sulked. "Oh, don't be such a baby!" Who scolded. "The cheek! Baby, indeed!" Wok scowled, sucking his dummy. Flushed, Jip had finished his ...ahem... negotiations with Mr Swok and then Pane and was directing the TARDISPRISE toward Earth. "Message from Earth, Jip," Pane said, hurrying over. "An Admiral Borusa wants to know why we're heading back." "Hailing frequencies open," Jip ordered. Pane looked puzzled. Jip groaned. "That button," he pointed. The screen flickered on, revealing a somewhat surprised-looking Admiral Borusa. "Jip!" he gasped. "We meet again, Admiral," Jip cackled. "Yes, but I can't say it's a pleasure to see you again," Borusa yawned. "Have a jelly baby." "Silence!" Jip roared. "You will listen to me very carefully, Borusa." "Will I indeed?" Borusa thundered. "Where is Captain Who? I demand to speal to him!" "Captain Who is dead, Borusa," Jip told him. "And will not be speaking to anyone, ever again. As will you, shortly." "What do you mean?" Borusa demanded suspiciously. "I am in command of the TARDISPRISE," Jip told him, "and I shall use it to incinerate most of the major cities on Earth unless I am inducted as President upon my arrival." "You're a fool, Jip," Borusa chuckled. "You come any closer to Earth and I shall have every starship in the fleet on you." "The TARDISPRISE can beat them all," Jip replied, "as you know. And those it can't - " a malicious grin spread over his face, "I have other plans for. You know I don't make idle promises." "Yes, you do!" Borusa roared. "You never did do that maths homework I set you!" "Silence!" Jip shrieked. "I do not wish to be reminded of my school days!" "I'm not surprised," Borusa smirked. "Those stupid PE shorts you used to wear... oh, you've still got them, I see, but in a place where they fit better." "Shut up!" Jip roared. "I tell you again, Borusa - induct me as President upon my arrival, or I shall destroy this world!" Borusa looked suitably scared. "Very well, Jip, I surrender, you're just too wonderful and unpleasent for me." "Are you mocking me?" Jip wondered. "Mock? No, of course not, Lord Master, Mr Incredibly Talented and Wonderful. I mean, the very thought - " "Alright, alright," Jip spat. "Just get on with it," he switched off the screen. Immediately, Borusa turned to his intercom. "Janice, get me the StarForce Commander. Yes, hello Johnny. Listen, a starship has come under the control of hostiles - I want thirteen warships waiting for it when it arrives. Yes, that's correct, the TARDISPRISE," Borusa paused. "I want it totally annihilated." Jip chuckled gleefully. "Oh, Borusa thinks he's so clever, doesn't he? Pretending to give in to me. I'm sure he'll have thirteen warships waiting for me upon my arrival, and I shall destroy them with the greatest of ease and pleasure!" his eyes gleamed with the bright light of insanity. "Then I shall destroy the Capitol, the Admiralty, the President, all major cities...the Earth shall be in chaos...they will need a leader... they will need me! I shall rule! Earth shall be mine! And then - then the universe! Isn't that a great plan, Pane?" Pane looked up. "Eh? What?" Jip ignored him. "Nothing can stand in my way! Nothing! There is going to be much death, much destruction! Much suffering! Much pain! Much anguish! Ye Gods, it's going to be great!" The TARDISPRISE zoomed ever closer to Earth... "Captain," Wok began, "I've been thinking." "There's a first," Frobisher smirked. "Shut up, Frobisher," Who and Wok said together. "What is it, Wok?" "I don't understand how Jip and Pane got aboard," Wok frowned. "Were they here before our mission started?" "I think not," Who replied. "I believe they somehow got aboard while we were off defeating Michael Grade and those time-travelling 'Doctor Who' fans." "Yes, well," Frobisher coughed. "Now we've explained the - cough - plot and all that nonsense, where are we?" "Good question," Who frowned. "The answer to which is: I haven't a clue." "Cap - a - ten!" Didditwobble interrupted. Who looked back. "Yes, Didditwobble, what is it?" "There is a - no - the ship a - proach - ing us," Didditwobble reported. "It l -ucks like the TARD - DIS - PRISE." "Jip!" "Pane" hissed. "Maybe, maybe not," Who hushed. "Hailing frequencies open!" The screen flickered on and Who found he was looking at himself - or rather a version of himself with a spray-painted halo, bare feet and very silly clothes. "Greetings, God's Children," "Who" smiled. "Oh, Jesus Christ," Frobisher groaned. "Wrong," "Who" smiled, "but I understand how you could make that kind of mistake. I am Captain James T. - " "Oh, go screw yourself," Frobisher yawned. "And you, my child," "Who" smiled. Frobisher turned off the screen. "What did you do that for?" Who demanded. "Rather charming chap, I thought." "This isn't our universe, Captain," Wok told him. "Yes," Who frowned. "Pane - tell Jip to open another wormhole and try again. We have to get back and stop Jip." "What do you think he's up to?" Wok inquired. "I don't know," Who sighed. "Something pretty nasty..." "Here we go!" Jip cried. "Nearly there!" The TARDISPRISE prepared to enter Earth's atmosphere... CHAPTER FIVE Down on Earth, thirteen ulta-powerful warships came off the launch pad and headed into outer space. "What did I tell you?" Jip cackled. "Thirteen warships! Oh, dear Borusa is SO predictable. But, it's their funeral - let battle commence! Pane, prepare to fire torpedoes....that button, Pane! No, not yet!" The wormhole closed behind them as the other TARDISPRISE entered the latest universe. "Oh, God," "Pane" said hollowly. "Why do I get the feeling this isn't our universe?" Frobisher commented. Rather than stars, outer space in this universe consisted of badly lumped together, overgrown rhodedendrums. Who sighed wearily. "I think you'd better tell Jip to try again." "Blue Leader, prepare." "Ready, Red Leader." "Pink Captain?" "Ooh, ready, Violet Lieutenant!" "How are you, Magenta Leader?" "Fine, Cream Coffee Leader." "Shit Brown Leader, you alright? We haven't heard from you." "Fine, Lily Pansy Leader. It's just a bit smelly in here, that's all." "Purple Leader, do you copy?" "Green Leader, do you copy?" "Vanilla Leader, do you copy?" "Fire!" Jip roared. Large explosion. "'Ere - he's just blown up Mark Hamill!" "Where's Ben Kenobi when you need him?" "Let's get the bastard!" "Yeah!" Large explosion. "Oh shit, there's only four of us left now!" "That's my estimation too - and it's Shit Brown to you, Violet." Large explosion. "It is now, Yellow Leader." Large explosion. "Yellow Leader?" Large explosion. "Oh no, I'm on my own - " Large explosion. At the helm of the TARDISPRISE, Jip laughed insanely at the death and destruction he was causing. "There's your warships, Admiral. Burnt to a crisp! The Earth is mine!" The TARDISPRISE zoomed on. The wormhole closed behind them as the other TARDISPRISE emerged into the latest universe. "Where are we?" "Pane" wondered. "Look!" Wok pointed. "There's another TARDISPRISE heading toward Earth!" "Hailing frequencies open," Who instructed. Pause. "Mr Wok, I said hailing frequencies open!" "I'm trying, Captain," Wok sighed. "I'm sorry - they won't respond." "Tor-pee-doe!" Didditwobble screeched. A torpedo streamed from the other TARDISPRISE and smashed into their own, sending them back and forth across the deck. "We're back in our own universe!" Who reeled. "That's Jip!" "How can you be so certain?" Frobisher demanded. "Well," Who explained, "when people start shooting at me, I naturally assume that it's an enemy of mine, rather than just someone I've only just mer who's taken an inexplicable dislike to me!" Frobisher looked at him. "Are you sure that's such a good idea?" Another torpedo slammed into them. "Mr Wok, fire back!" Who ordered. "Now!" The TARDISPRISE fired a torpedo, blasting the other TARDISPRISE. "That's Captain's property you're damaging, do you realise that?" Frobisher demanded. "Fire again!" Who ordered. Another torpedo slammed into the opposing TARDISPRISE. "Captain," Wok spoke urgently, "message incoming. He wants to talk." "Open hailing frequencies!" Who ordered. A decidedly shaky-looking Jip appeared on the screen. "Captain Who," he smiled. "Forgive me, but I thought you were dead." "As I underestimated you, Jip, so you underestimated me," Who replied. "I'm rather more difficult to get rid of than that." "The proverbial bad penny," Jip rasped. "What do you want, Who?" "I would have thought that obvious even to you, Jip," Who narrowed his eyes. "I want my ship back." Jip chuckled. "So come and get it." "If necessary, I will destroy the ship, with you on it," Who told him frankly. "I cannot allow you charge of a starship." "You cannot allow? Who made you better than me?" Jip roared. "You did," Who told him, "when you failed your Academy exams and I passed." "One question, that's all!" Jip fumed. "One bloody question and I could have been an Admiral by now!" "But a very simple question, wasn't it, Jip?" Who laughed. "Fancy not knowing who played the third guard on the left who attacked Jon Pertwee and was thrown aside in Part 4 of "Planet of the Spiders"! I mean, how simple do you want it, Jip?" "If you want your TARDISPRISE, Captain," Jip snarled. "I suggest you teleport over here and get it." Who frowned. "What trickery is this?" "No tricks," Jip snarled. "Teleport over here and fight me in unarmed single combat. The winner takes the TARDISPRISE." "And the loser?" Who inquired. Jip grinned devilishly. "Thrown into space - without benefit of a suit. Well, Captain?" "Don't do it," Wok advised. "It's too dangerous," "Pane" shook his head. "Do it! Do it!" Frobisher urged. Who smiled at Jip. "You're on," he said. Jip sat and watched as the teleport cubicle materialised. "Are you really going to fight him man to man, master?" Pane inquired. Jip smirked. "Of course not!" he pulled a ray gun from his jacket. Who, Wok and Frobisher climbed out of the teleport cubicle. "Goodbye, Captain," Jip smiled, and fired. Nothing happened. He fired again. Again, nothing happened. "I knew I couldn't trust you, Jip," Who smiled. "That's why I'm wearing my ray gun Trek Deflector!" "That joke's wearing a bit thin now, don't you think?" Frobisher remarked. Jip stood up threateningly. "You want a fight, Captain, you've got one!" he raised his fists. "Hang on a mo'," Who took off his jacket, his scarf and several layers of wooly clothing, handed them to a bemused Wok, rolled up his sleeves and bared his fists. "You didn't win our last fight, Jip, and you're not going to win this one!" "That last fight was disqualified!" Jip roared. "Mummy called me away! You know that!" "Then let battle commence," Who grinned. "Actually, that won't be necessary," Mr Swok strode up, parting the two. "What the - " Who began. "Swok dearest, I told you to wait in the bath 'til I got back," Jip reproved. "Swok?" Who raised an eyebrow. "Aren't you the one with - " "Yes," Swok cut in. "With what?" Jip inquired. "The infectious genital fungus," Who smiled. Jip went pale. "Infectious geni..." he tottered on his feet, feeling faint. "Oh, not to worry," Who patted him on the back reassuringly. "You can only catch it from sharing needles, toilet seats and sexual intercourse." Jip fainted. Pane rushed up worriedly. "Hang on a mo'," he began, doing what Jip had expressly told him not to - thinking - and frowned. "If he's got it," he pointed at Swok, "and he's got it," he pointed at the unconscious Jip, "then that must mean..." gently, he unzipped his trousers and looked down his underpants. Pane rolled his eyes back up in his head and collapsed in a dead faint. Who clapped his hands and grinned delightedly. "Well, that's sorted that out," he smiled, as guards carted away Jip and Pane to their cells. Who went back behind the console, glad to be home. "Right, let's get going then." "Hey, that's my line," Frobisher protested. "Hailing frequencies open to the other TARDISPRISE," Who instructed. "Pane" came up on the screen. "Captain! You made it! Where's Jip?" "Dealt with," Who smiled. "Well, Pane, sorry we couldn't be more help. Good luck fighting those 'Eldorado' fans. Bye!" "Thanks, Captain," "Pane" waved. "Bye." His image faded to that of their TARDISPRISE opening up another wormhole, zooming through it and closing it up behind them. "Message coming through from Earth, Captain," Wok told him. "Who from?" Who inquired. "Admiral Borusa." "Ah," Who pulled a face. "Didditwobble, send two men to the piping duct section and have them disconnect Jip and Pane's wormhole equipment." "Al-reddy dun so, Cap-a-ten!" Didditwobble replied. Who nodded. "Good, good," he sighed. "Bring up old Borusa then, Mr Wok." Admiral Borusa appeared on the screen. "Now look, Jip - " he stopped in shock. "Captain! I thought you were dead!" "A common error," Who smiled. "I suppose I should remove the tag from my toe, really." "Where's Jip and Pane?" Borusa demanded. "In the cells," Who replied. "We'll deliver them back to Earth to stand trial." "Good," Borusa smiled. "Not bad work, Captain, not bad at all. I have to admit, I'm impressed." "What do you think?" Who inquired. "An A+ for effort and achievement, eh?" Borusa mused. "Mm, nine out of ten, Captain, nine out of ten." "Oh, thankyou sir," Who grinned. The screen went blank. "Tightarse," he muttered. Wok was flicking through his copy of "Doctor Trek - Parallel Universes." "Oh my God!" he cried in shock. Who looked up in alarm. "Mr Wok, what is it?" "The story's nearly finished!" Wok cried. "We've only got six lines left!" "Oh, no!" Who gasped. "We'd better hurry up, look at the camera and say goodbye. Goodbye," he pouted. "Goodbye," Wok pouted. Pause. "Say goodbye, Frobisher," Who whispered tightly. "Goodbye, Frobisher." THE CAPTAIN WILL RETURN
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Copyright © 1992 Ian Kidd |