Doctor Trek - Cracked (2) "Still, a little more specific information would have been helpful," Buffy noted. "Don't you agree, Will? Will?" The question was directed at the small, cute redhead girl sitting quietly at the rear of the van. "Er - I guess," Willow Rosenberg agreed uncertainly. Buffy looked at her sympathetically. "Will, it's been MONTHS since Oz left. I know it's hard, but you have to move on, you know?" Willlow looked at her angrily. "You think I don't know that?" she snapped, more than a touch of bitterness in her tone. Buffy looked away, a tad hurt. Her hunky, trusty, vaguely boring boyfriend Riley Finn put a comforting arm around her shoulders. "Give her time," he whispered. "I guess," Buffy replied. Riley kissed her forehead tenderly. The mobile home sped ever closer to Twin Peaks. Down by the sea front, a small boat, a sign on it's sign revealing it's moniker as "True Love", was pulling up onto the beach. A boy around seventeen years of age, handsome in a vaguely ragamuffin kind of way, was helping his girlfriend, a mouthwatering dark-haired beauty of around the same age, onto the beach. "Thanks for the rough landing, Pacey," Joey Potter told her boyfriend with vague exasperation but also obviously deep affection. "What can I say, Jo?" Pacey Witter gave her his best "charming" smile. "I had a feeling you liked it rough." Joey glowered at him darkly. "Sorry," Pacey held up a placating hand, trying not to laugh, "couldn't resist." Joey held onto her dark look for a few seconds, then broke down and laughed with him. She took his hand and allowed him to lead her up on the beach. "So where are we going?" "The Great Northern," Pacey told her confidently. "It's a grand old hotel, famous round these parts, or so I hear." Joey looked at him worriedly. "Can we afford that?" "We've saved up a fair bit doing odd jobs up and down the coast," Pacey told her. "I think we can afford a bit of luxury accommodation for a couple of nights." "I hope you're right," Joey said sceptically. "And it'll be TWO rooms, lest you have any ideas." "Potter, I never thought it would be anything else," Pacey beamed at her. Joey shook her head at him and smiled. CHAPTER FOUR On a winding road just on the outskirts of Twin Peaks, a small, purple, animated family car was carrying it's four, yellow, equally animated inhabitants toward their inevitable destination. Inside, the intimidatingly coiffeured, blue-haired family matriarch, Marge Simpson, was interrogating her husband about the real reason behind their family trip. "So Mr Burns TOLD you to come up here?" "That's right, Marge, for the thousandth time," Homer complained loudly. "But why?" "Because Mr Burns' friend Benjy Horne or something wanted to speak to an expert in nuclear safety," Homer patronised her. "So why'd he send you?" ten year old, spiky-haired Bart demanded from the back seat. "Shut up, BOY," Homer glowered darkly, eyeing his son in the rear view mirror dangerously. "But there isn't even a nuclear power station IN Twin Peaks," deeply analytical, deeply annoying eight year old Lisa, also in the back, pointed out. "So?" Homer retorted. "Maybe they're going to build one." "I still think - " Marge began. At that exact moment, and much to Homer's blessed relief, another, considerably less animated, car sped out from a hidden road, nearly crashing into them. Both cars braked to a screeching halt. "Oh my goodness," Marge composed herself. "Is everyone alright?" The inhabitants of the other car, two men, one tall, one short, and an attractive, if rather thin, young woman with an incredibly short skirt, climbed from their vehicle and began walking toward the Simpsons. "Look at these freaks," Homer snorted, exiting the car together with the rest of his family. "We're so sorry about that," the young woman gushed apolegetically. "Are you okay?" "Ooh well, I think so," Marge patted herself down. "Okay, everyone's fine, let's go," Homer said, bored. "Shouldn't we exchange details?" the little man inquired. "What?" his taller, bored-looking friend objected. "So these short, yellow four-fingered animated freaks can sue us later?" He waved a dismissive hand at the Simpsons. "No offence. Bygones," he commented. "Oh well, I don't think there's any need," Marge concurred. "No one's hurt, and there's no damage done." "Great. Let's go," the tall, bored man walked away quickly. "Richard!" the little man followed him, still protesting. "Oh well, if you change your mind..." the woman gave Homer her business card, smiled, waved and went back to join her friends. Homer squinted at the card. "Al - lah - McBell," he read, incorrectly. "Give it to me," Marge snatched it from him. They headed back to the car, where Bart and Lisa were waiting. "Look what we found, mom," Bart grinned maliciously, handing her a leaflet of some kind. "It was under dad's seat," Lisa added helpfully. Marge unfolded the leaflet. It read: 'DOUGHNUT CONVENTION THE GREAT NORTHERN HOTEL, TWIN PEAKS FIRST 500 DOUGHNUTS FREE!' Marge looked up. "Oh, Homey..." she sighed. "What?" Homer shrugged defensively. "I can't do both?" "Mmm...." Marge and Lisa gritted their teeth and sighed in unison. Aboard the starship TARDISPRISE, which was now floating above the Earth of the Fiction Universe, Who sighed in satisfaction, regarding his guests. "What is it?" Cody asked, temporarily recovered from the shock of her loss. "I've sent out numerous messages to major citizens of the Fiction Universe. They should all be converging on the Great Northern Hotel, Twin Peaks, very soon now. We'll make that our crisis conference point," Who decided. "You've TOLD them they're fictional?" Sammy inquired, eyebrows raised. "Of course not," Who said crossly. "I have merely designed ways within their accepted fictional parameters that will enable them to want to attend our little meeting. Then, I'm afraid, they will HAVE to be told. The stakes are too high. I fear the future of the very EXISTENCE of the Fiction Universe may be at stake. Everyone needs to be working together, to find whoever's behind sending those Ogrons to attack the Kidd's and the nuclear strike on Ramsay Street, and stop them." "So when do we leave?" Fred asked. Who looked at his watch with melodramatic flourish. "Right about...NOW!" Deep in the woods of Twin Peaks, the man who had formerly been Special Agent Dale Cooper of the FBI was creeping through the undergrowth. "Formerly" because now Cooper's body was host to the soul of "Bob", a demon from a Hell dimension known as "The Black Lodge", the entrance to which lay in the woods of Twin Peaks, and whose evil soul had already previously possessed the bodies of Twin Peaks' citizen Leland Palmer and Ramsay Street resident Todd Landers. Now, the Bob-possessed Cooper was considering his next, hellish move in the sinister game he was playing with his former friends in the Twin Peaks law enforcement community. But Bob-Cooper's mind was distracted by a strange VWORP! VWORP! noise coming from not far away. Creeping toward the source of the sound, Bob-Cooper saw, with some considerable surprise even for a body-hopping demon such as himself, a door apparently open in the centre of an oddly placed bush and a glamorous middle-aged woman step out from it. Bob-Cooper stared, dumbfounded. The woman noticed him and arched an eyebrow superciliously. "Well, well..." she murmured. The confident, almost mocking tone in her voice enraged Bob-Cooper's sensibilities and he ran at her screaming "How's Annie?" manically. Utterly unflustered, the woman withdrew from her pocket a small device which she pointed at him and activated. Bob-Cooper stopped, clutching at his neck in sudden agony. In moments, the possessed Cooper was lying on the floor, quite dead. The woman sauntered casually over to the corpse, idly moving his head with her foot. A horrible purple stain was spread all across his neck. The woman purred in satisfaction. "The mark... of the Rani!" she declared. The female receptionist at the Great Northern Hotel looked up and smiled, a tad bemusedly, as a very strange group wandered up to her - an eccentrically dressed dandy, two pretty teenage girls and a teenage boy, a young man in his early 20s, a young woman in her late twenties (at least) pretending to be a teenage girl, an elderly couple and a red-nosed reindeer. "Hallo," the dandy beamed at her magnaminously. His smile was so infectious and his manner so charming she couldn't help but smile in return. "Hello. How can I help you?" "I am Captain James T. Who," Who introduced himself, "and these are my friends - Fred, Sammy, Cody, Ian, Ace, Mr and Mrs Kidd - " "Oh, just call us Mum and Dad, Captain," Mum interjected. "We stopped having real names and individual personalities about a decade ago." "I noticed," Ian muttered darkly. "And that's Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer," Who confided. The receptionist, Sally, smiled at him, increasingly bewildered. "I see." "What about me?" The voice appeared to be coming from this Captain Who's umbrella. "Oh sorry, do forgive me," Who apologised. "This is Frobisher." Sally stared at the umbrella, then laughed. "Oh I say, that's terribly good. You should put on a show." "I should?" Who smiled, taking his turn at being somewhat bemused. "Doing what?" Sally stared at him, feeling increasingly out of her depth. "Erm - could we have some rooms, please?" "We only have six left, I'm afraid," Sally smiled. "Very busy this week, for some reason." "Yes, of course," Who frowned. "I knew I should have booked the rooms when I arranged the Conference Hall." "Sorry?" Sally inquired. Who shook his head brightly. "Never mind," he smiled. "Two of us will just have to share." Sammy and Cody looked at each other, tried and failed to suppress a giggle. "Six rooms, please." "Certainly, sir," Sally began making the arrangements. The main doors opened and the animated Simpson family began walking through the lobby. "I wonder if they sell 'Duff' here," Homer was saying. "Oh, Homey," Marge complained. "Can't you go without it for a few days?" "But MARGE," Homer whined pathetically, "I LIKE it!" Ian looked at them, then at Captain Who. "You have GOT to be kidding me," he said at last. "It's the beauty and diversity of the Fiction Universe, Ian." Who reminded him. He set his jaw determinedly. "And that's why we've got to save it." CHAPTER FIVE Night had fallen on Twin Peaks, and it was dark as Cody and Ace lay in their separate beds in their shared room in the Great Northen Hotel. "Cody," Ace whispered. "You awake?" "Looks like it," Cody replied. "I was just thinking," Ace began, "about you and Sammy." Cody raised an eyebrow. "O - kay." "Doesn't it get weird?" Ace asked. "Him being real and you being a fictional character?" "Well..." Cody pulled a face, trying to find the right words. "I know I'm a fictional character, but I don't FEEL like one. I think, I feel, I'm real to ME, so to think otherwise is just silly. Besides, Sammy was on tv in MY world, so what's the diff? And besides, I KNOW Sammy doesn't think of me as being anything less than real, in any way shape or form." Ace smiled. "You love him, don't you?" "Yeah, I do," Cody replied honestly. "He's cute, he's funny, and the way he loves me...he came across space, time and alternative dimensions to be with me....TWICE! Even when Jip abducted me, tried to make Sammy think I'd dumped him, AND tried to kill him, Sammy wouldn't give up. He wouldn't give up until he'd found me again," she shook her head. If Ace had been able to see her eyes, she'd have read awe in them. "He's not just my boyfriend; he's my HERO." Ace swallowed. "Wow." Cody frowned suddenly. "Isn't that what it's like for you and Ian?" "Not exactly," Ace admitted. "I get the feeling...I get the feeling Ian's getting sick of me. We won't last, I know that." "Gosh, I'm sorry," Cody breathed. "Me too," Ace nodded. "Getting too old for this shit." "Too old?" Cody snorted. "Jeez Ace, you're only two years older than me." "You think?" Ace smiled, a tad bitterly. "Cody, I was sixteen when I met the Professor. I spent so long seeing the universe in the TARDIS with him...days turned into months and months into years...I didn't even realise how long it'd been," she swallowed. "I finally figured out how many years he and I were actually together. It was my birthday last week, and I haven't told Ian, or anybody," she took a deep breath. "Cody, I'm FORTY." The morning sun rose high above the Great Northern as Willow Rosenberg awoke in the bed in the room she was sharing with Buffy Summers. As Willow yawned and stretched, she noticed that the other bed was empty. Assuming that Buffy had gone for breakfast already - or snuck over to Riley's room for a spot of R 'n' R - Willow made her way to the bathroom and opened the door - to reveal Buffy about to step into the shower, completely naked. Buffy half-turned, and Willow got a complete view of her GORGEOUS body, her thighs, her firm supple breasts, her...EVERYTHING. "God Buffy, I'm sorry!" Willow squeaked and dived back out, slamming the door shut. Willow leaned back on the door breathlessly, her body and mind assimilating what she had just seen, and it's effect on her. "Oh...MY." Ian was making his way to the Great Northern's Dining Hall for breakfast when a small, spiky-haired animated ten year old boy ran out and collided with him. "Woah!" Ian gasped. "Watch where you're going, kiddo!" "Eat my shorts!" Bart snarled, and ran off. Ian shook his head and carried on walking, pausing as he saw a strangely familiar figure ahead. "Hey," Ian approached the teenager. "Pacey Witter, is that right?" "Yeah man, that's right," Pacey smiled at him quizzically. Ian nodded. "I just want to say," he began, "that you and Joey make a great couple. In my opinion you belong together - and stuff Dawson!" He moved on. "Er - gee - er - thanks, man. I guess," Pacey nodded, feeling both gratified and highly perplexed. Buffy, Xander, Riley and Giles were eating breakfast, sitting in the Dining Hall. "There's a conference taking place this morning," Giles informed them quietly. "I had a tip-off last night that we should be there. Some connection to our demonic uprising." "Okay," Buffy agreed between mouthfuls of cornflakes. "When is this conference?" Riley wanted to know. "Ten o'clock," Giles reported. Riley checked his watch, then looked over at Buffy. "Wanna go for a walk in the woods beforehand?" he asked. Buffy looked at him lovingly. "Love to." Xander looked around suddenly. "Hey, what's taking Willow so long?" "God knows," Buffy rolled her eyes. "She was in the shower when I left. Can't imagine WHAT she's doing in there!" Captain Who was making his way to the Conference Hall to get things set up when he accidentally ran into a young woman. "Accidentally" being rather more on his part than hers, as it turned out. "Oh, sorry," the young woman smiled. "No, no, my fault. I do apologise," Who smiled charmingly. The young woman seemed to melt at his smile. "Hi...er...I'm Ally. Ally McBeal," she held out her hand. Who shook it enthusiastically. "I am Captain James T. Who," he announced. "You'll have to excuse me, Miss McBeal, but I'm in a terrible hurry. Must dash," he smiled again, and rushed off. Ally watched him depart, touching her lip with her hand, and smiling a secret, naughty smile. "Captain..." She briefly imagined her tongue darting out her mouth and following him across the floor like a snake. In Twin Peaks' woods, Buffy and Riley were taking a romantic stroll, arm in arm. "I'm glad you know about me and the Initiative know," Riley admitted. "No more secrets." "Secrets bad," Buffy nodded in agreement. They continued walking, yet unbeknownst to them this was the area near where the Rani had left her TARDIS, and where she had left several traps to protect it. Buffy and Riley had just entered a minefield. Riley checked his watch. "We'd better be getting back." "Oh, do we HAVE to?" Buffy whined. "If we're going to make the conference, I'm afraid so," Riley acknowledged. "Oh, ALRIGHT!" Disappointed and pouting, Buffy turned away. Riley took a step in her direction. His foot hit one of the Rani's mines. There was a WHOOSH noise, and where once had stood Riley Finn stood instead a thick tree trunk. Buffy turned. "Well?" she asked the tree, apparently oblivious to her boyfriend's sudden and dramatic transformation. "Are you coming or not?" The tree, perhaps unsurprisingly, did not respond. "Oh well stay here if that's how you're going to be!" Buffy yelled, and stomped off in a huff. Who was in the Conference Hall, arranging his requirements, when he noticed the door handle twitching. Who sprang over quickly, opening the door slightly, but blocking the view into the Hall with his own body. The interloper was Homer Simpson. "Can we come in yet?" he asked hopefully. "Not quite yet," Who forced a smile. "Soon." "This is where the doughnut convention is being held, right?" Homer tried to unsuccessfully peer over Who's shoulder into the room. "Well it's not so much a convention," Who tried to squeeze the door shut; not easy with Homer's bulky frame blocking it. "It's more of a doughnut... conference," he managed to shut the door and lock Homer out. "But there will be doughnuts there, right?" Homer called plaintively. Who sighed. Not far from Buffy and Riley's fateful stroll, Ian and Ace were also taking a walk in Twin Peaks' infamous woods. Their amble, however, was far less romantic, neither arm in arm, nor deep in conversation. The silence, in fact, was deafening. Ace cleared her throat. "Ian..." she said finally. "Oh, WHAT?!" Ian snapped. He saw her face. "Sorry." There was an awkward silence. Ace broke it. "It's over, isn't it?" Ian sighed, unable to look at her. "I think so." "I'm sorry," Ace told him. Ian sighed, and shook his head. "No, I'm sorry Ace. It's my fault, not yours. I should never have rushed into this, not so soon after Mr - Ms - Wok. I guess I just thought... with you being my favourite companion and all...and Sammy and Cody working so well together...I...oh, it doesn't matter. I'm just sorry, that's all." Ace managed a brave smile, extending her hand. "Friends?" she asked hopefully. Ian took it. "Friends," he smiled back. "How touching," a woman's voice said mockingly. Ian and Ace turned to see a glamorous middle-aged woman arching an eyebrow at them superciliously. "Who the hell are you?" Ace demanded. "I am known," the woman pouted maliciously, "as the Rani." "The Rani!" Ace gasped, astounded. The Rani smiled callously, amused. "I see you've heard of me." Ian looked at her. "Didn't you used to be in "Triangle"?" he inquired. "Silence!" the Rani raised a sinister-looking device. "You are now my prisoners." "Like hell!" Ace shoved Ian sideways. "Run!" They ran off into the woods. The Rani curled a lip in bitchy delight. "Right into my minefield..." she murmured contentedly. CHAPTER SIX It was 11am, and the Simpsons, the Scooby gang (with the notable exception of Riley), Pacey, Joey, Ally, Richard Fish, John Cage, various Twin Peaks residents, and a few other denizens of the Fiction Universe had filed into the Great Northern Hotel's Conference Hall. Up on the stage, Who, Fred, Frobisher, Sammy, Cody, Mum, Dad and Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer eyed their audience nervously. Who checked his watch. "Where on Gallifrey are Ian and Ace?" "Wherever they are, you can't worry about it now," Fred advised him. "You have to start the conference, before the natives start getting restless." "You're right, of course. Very well," Who stepped up to the microphone. "Is this thing on?" he asked, rather too loudly, nearly deafening everyone in the Hall. "Ah. I see that it is," he winced, lowering his voice. "Sorry. Very well then, let us commence," he straightened up to his full height impressively. "He's so dishy," Ally murmured, licking his lips. "I have called you all here today," Who began, "because you are all senior and highly regarded citizens of the Fiction Universe. Yes, I said the Fiction Universe. I know this may be hard for some of you to accept, but all of you are, in fact, fictional characters." The room erupted into babble and protests. "Ssshh!" Who quietened them down. "I have called you here today because I
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