A Junior's Diary 1971 (2) 10/17 I cried myself to sleep last night. I could have gone out with Elihu; Scott also invited me over, but I just wanted to stay home. This morning I called Shelli and she was distant. I went to the beach and then decided to go to the museum. But I wound up at Shelli’s instead. She was having breakfast when I got there; her mother was leaving for the hospital. She went to the bathroom, giving me a letter Jerry’s friend Borje’s mother had written him to express her condolences over Mrs. Sherman’s death. It was beautiful: she said something like death is like winter, but eventually even in Sweden, the spring comes and flowers bloom again. I told Shelli, “This is a beautiful letter,” but she said she hadn’t had a chance to read it yet. We had something to eat and started watching the Marx Brothers. I held her hand, and one thing led to another and pretty soon we were having sex – she wanted it as much as I did. I didn’t know if we were doing the right thing but I couldn’t help myself. She was quiet afterwards and said she had something to tell me. “You slept with Jerry last night,” I said, not wanting to believe it but knowing it was true. As she nodded, I felt like vomiting. But I restrained myself from saying anything that would hurt her. She called herself a slut and kept staring at this kitchen knife with a wild look, which may have been over-dramatizing, but who knows? The worst part of it was she told me how much better it was with me. “You know how you’re always worried about having a small penis?” she said. “Well, compared to him, you have a weapon.” Ugh. Sex was something special, something between the two of us. How could she do it with him? I was outwardly calm, but I left as soon as I could. As I closed the door, she was saying she loved me. I picked up two high-school girls hitch-hiking and when I dropped them off, I told them never to hurt any guys. I could see them looking at each other and laughing at me afterwards. What a schmuck I am. 10/18 Last night Shelli told Jerry she loved him. And he loves her. And I’m alone. And sad. And sick. Everyone says it’s the best thing. And that I’ll forget it all in a matter of months. I didn’t sleep at all last night. Things bothered me so, I just felt awful this morning. When I talked to Dr. Polen, he said I should take things as they come. He said it was sadistic of Shelli to tell me she slept with Jerry, but I’m not so sure he’s right. I invited Jerry over for dinner tonight. I read his poetry and he read my stories and we both liked parts of each. We talked about simple things until I told him how rotten I’ve been feeling lately. He said we should talk about it and he told me how hard it was when Elspeth broke up with him and how Shelli and I weren’t getting along anyway and how much better it was that we were breaking up before things became bitter. I drove him to the subway and said things would be easier if he’d call me once in a while. I’ve got a sore throat, a cold, a head throbbing with fever. 10/19 I was lonely this morning and called Shelli, but she just upset me. She stopped saying, “I love you,” and I realized that she and Jerry have been lying to me and each has been repeating every word I say to the other. Jerry told her that last night when I offered to give him my copy of Leaves of Grass that I was trying to buy his friendship. The doctor came and said I have a respiratory infection. Elihu called and said everyone in Hamilton Hall has turned against Jerry, and to a lesser degree, Shelli. 10/20 The girl isn’t worth it. All I’ve lost is 205 pounds of ugly fat. 10/21 I called her a slut this morning. She returned all my photos but one. 10/22 People look at me with pity, and I can’t take that. Jerry arrived at Hamilton to pick her up this afternoon. I didn’t see him but sensed his arrival because of the others’ whispers, so I went over to to talk to Joe at the Grapevine table. I could feel everyone staring at me to see my reaction to Shelli and Jerry sitting alone in the corner. It reminded of that terrible scene in The Forsyte Saga where Fleur and Michael are being ignored at the party after winning the libel suit against Marjorie. That’s the episode Jerry was watching as he wrote me that mixed-up letter from Spain: “Now Soames is yelling at the lady that she’s a traitor to Fleur. It would be shitty if she died while I was away. She was a sick woman, a drug attic [sic], but the first few years was rather good.” It was uncomfortable and awful: not one person ventured over to talk to Jerry and Shelli alone in the corner. I tried to get through the situation with some dignity. Finally Scott walked in and saved the day by asking me to go for a drive with him. Who’d have thunk self-centered Scott would come to the rescue? People are so weird. 10/23 I talked with Elspeth and she sounded as if she wanted to do something with me tonight. But we’d end up sleeping together and I don’t want to get that involved with her, especially because she’s Jerry’s ex-fiancee. It’s easier just to stay friends. I tried to fill my evening with a lot of activity, but tonight, in bed, all I’ll think about will be the two of them in bed together. 10/24 Shelli called this morning, telling me that I made all Hamilton Hall hate her. She put all the blame on me for our breakup. She said I gave Jerry a “vicious” look on Friday. Anyway, we started talking rationally and she admitted she doesn’t care as deeply for Jerry as he loves her. 10/25 I called Jerry and work him up. I told him I would try to be his friend. He said he respected me a lot. Later Shelli called and said she was proud of me. 10/26 Jerry went to his literary agent to see about getting a book of his poetry published. Shelli told me he’s too optimistic and his stuff isn’t that good. I’m afraid I agree with her. 10/27 He’s pressuring her to marry him. He says he’ll wait forever. Shelli told me Jerry is “taking control” of her life and is more possessive than I was. 10/28 Shelli called me from the Student Union and said that I should come over so she could see how my haircut looked. Against my better judgment, I picked her up and we drove out to the beach. At her house, I couldn’t hold myself back and I kissed her and that led to more. But this has got to stop. Jerry told her that he will never see her again if she sleeps with me just once. 10/29 Tonight Jerry called me to find out Joe’s telephone number. A likely story. I could hear Shelli in the background. Why didn’t he call Elihu or somebody else? What is he trying to prove? 10/30 I had made up my mind I would not call her, but this morning I got to reading some of her letters and I dialed her number. Her mother answered, so I disguised my voice, putting on a German accent and pretending to be a wrong number. So she stayed at Jerry’s house last night. 11/1 I don’t know if it’s that I love Shelli, or it’s just that I miss having a girlfriend. Maybe it could be any girl. 11/3 My appointment with Dr. Polen went well. He said that Shelli and Jerry deceived me, and that much of my anger is justified. He thinks the depression is only anger turned inward. I see now how she’s been using me as “insurance” and how Jerry’s got this need to prove he’s a man, like by calling me Friday night to flaunt the fact he was with Shelli. Dr. Polen said she’s very sick and she broke up with me because I was getting too healthy and that she’ll sleep with twenty guys before she gets married. I don’t know. 11/4 Shelli wanted to go for coffee this morning, so I went along. She told me her mother found her pills last night and she was incredibly upset. I can imagine what must have gone on. Well, I’m out of it now. 11/5 People in Hamilton Hall are debating the following question: Should Jerry pay me the money I put up for Shelli’s four-month supply of birth control pills? Why don’t they leave it alone. I don’t care about the money. 11/6 Elspeth called, ostensibly to ask to borrow my copy of The Female Eunuch. But she started talking about Shelli and Jerry being at Elihu’s party and how she (and I) must go with dates – otherwise, we’ll look ridiculous. Just about everyone has begun talking to Jerry and Shelli again. 11/7 I went to the movies with the whole gang from the beach, people I usually don’t hang out with, like John and the Karpoff twins. Anyway, I surprised myself by having a good time. After the movie, we went out to a bar. I had forgotten how nice going out with a group could be. 11/8 I am not happy. I am miserable, tortured, and in agony. I think about suicide all the time. I can’t put up the brave front anymore. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, I can’t function. I just cry and cry and bang my head against the wall and want to scream and hug somebody and kill somebody. I get scared and anxious all the time. I can’t work – I’m far behind in my term papers. I feel like taking a leave of absence and going to Florida. But I don’t have the guts to do that. I hate Shelli so much; she hurt me and she continues to hurt me. I felt lousy all day and it showed. 11/9 She called me last night, saying she was worried about me. How sweet: like the executioner being concerned about the condemned man. She said all day she’d been staring at the one photo she’d kept of me. She says she’s not happy, but I know she’s a liar. 10/10 Good classes tonight, nice lunch with Mark, things going better than expected. 11/11 Shelli asked me if I think I’m gay. Jerry has her half-convinced that I am. I shouldn’t talk to her anymore – too, too much hurt. 11/12 Shelli called me, saying she was lonely and sick, so we talked pleasantly for a while. Then she said she and Jerry had changed their minds, that they were going to Elihu’s party after all. Then she told me they were going to Boston for the weekend! She said that last night she dreamt that she and I slept together and she liked it. And then she said she never wanted to have anything to do with me again – because she still cares for me. And God help me, I still care very much for her. I told her we had better not talk to one another again. 11/13 I decided to go to Elihu’s party after all – by myself. I was the first one there, but then the others came. I was smoking a joint with Mark and Consuelo when she asked me how my love life was. I told her it was virtually non-existent. Consuelo said she wanted me to meet a girl she works with at the day-care center. There were a lot of people there, and I was having a good time. It looked as though Jerry and Shelli weren’t going to show, but they came in late. I avoided them and chatted with Avis and Scott and others. It was very uncomfortable for me and I felt relieved when they left. 11/14 Tonight a phone call, a hiss of hate: “You liar!” When she hangs up, I call her back. Jerry says, “Hello…?” very snidely. Oh, they are sick people. 11/15 Dr. Polen said talking to her only brings me pain and she gets satisfaction from my pain. So I must not call her anymore, and when she calls me, I must say I’m busy and then hang up. “You’ve been a masochist,” Dr. Polen told me. “Or in less jargonistic terms, a schmuck.” 11/16 I had a wonderful night’s sleep. Today in English, Professor Farmer said that most of the Romantics wrote their finest poetry before they were twenty. I’m twenty, and what do I have to show for it? After a great lecture on Congress in Poli Sci, I saw Shelli but didn’t say anything of consequence to her. 11/17 Avis was wearing a midiskirt and I mentioned that I had never seen her legs before. “No,” Avis reminded me, “you’ve seen me in a bikini.” And Shelli opens her mouth: “I’m jealous.” Later I was the first one to arrive at the student health council meeting. I was sitting at the table when someone tousled my hair from behind. Alice, Stacy and Shelli had all walked in at the same time. But I’ve known Alice since first grade and it couldn’t have been her. I might not mind Stacy doing it, but I couldn’t imagine her touching my hair like that. So it must have been Shelli. 11/22 During the week I’m busy with school and friends, so it’s the weekends that are so hard for me. I’m so alone. I’m embarrassed to call Elspeth or Elihu or Mark and whine to them. Last night Jerry and Shelli double-dated with Scott and Avis. Why do I feel betrayed? 11/22 I feel almost nothing when I see her now. I look at her and I can’t believe I once loved her. 11/23 Elspeth grabbed me when I walked into Hamilton Hall this morning. “Shelli’s lover” had come by and “they” were going to Boston for the weekend. Elspeth was furious that they had the nerve to ask her to watch Jerry’s dog. I told her I wasn’t interested in those people anymore. Hey, at least they didn’t ask me to watch the damned dog. 11/24 I had a bad dream last night: I found Shelli in bed with Jerry and I strangled them both. Sort of like Othello. Otherwise today went okay. 11/29 The weekend trip I took to Washington was the best thing I could have done. I still felt “up” this morning. I can’t believe that I actually went there – on a plane – by myself! 11/30 I saw them together today and it didn’t bother me as much as it used to. 12/5 Marianne Moore (see, I’m reading poetry) wrote that “the cure for loneliness is solitude” and I’m starting to believe she’s right. 12/8 I called Stacy this afternoon and we talked for a while. She’s so into her music, I can’t really keep up with her. And she goes out a lot, so if I want to date her, I’m going to have a lot of competition. But I think I’m more confident now and have less need for the kind of clutching, “one-and-only” relationship I had with Shelli. 12/10 I had a bad night. Visions of Shelli with Jerry kept appearing. I felt rotten this morning, so I cut class and went to the mall. I bought Christmas cards with a quote from another diary-keeper, Anne Frank: “I still believe that people are really good at heart….if I look up in the heavens, I think that it will all come right and that peace and tranquility will return again.” 12/19 Dreams of Shelli again. In one, I got her to throw away her engagement ring. Do I want her back? Do I still love her? Once upon a time, for me, Shelli and love were synonymous. But she has hurt me so much. And she has changed into something different. Stacy called her “destructive”; Scott said she’s become “bitchy”; and Elihu just remarked that she’s not the same girl she was a year ago. Did the girl I love ever really exist outside my own imagination? I remember how she looked on Thursday when she and Jerry came into Hamilton Hall drunk. She was red-eyed, nasty, fat, sloppy. Even Grandpa Ike spotted them on the street in Manhattan. “They looked like a couple of creepy slobs,” he told me. Did Jerry change her or was she always like that? And Jerry: he was my friend, I thought, maybe my best friend. If two of the people I trusted and loved the most could do this, what can I expect of other people? I’ve been hesitant about getting involved with anyone for anything. So tonight Stacy and Brian (they’re just friends, I think) went out with Scott and Avis – and maybe even Jerry and Shelli are with them – while I’m alone, reading Christina Rossetti, listening to Dylan. 12/24 Christmas Eve. Although I’m alone now, and lonely – for all the friends I have – things will get better. There’s no real basis for saying that, except it’s my nature. Oh, I complain and kvetch a lot, but deep down (and this would surprise all of Hamilton Hall) I’m an optimist. 12/27 I had a good session with Dr. Polen, summing up the year. Nineteen seventy-one was a good year. I got a girlfriend and I survived breaking up with her. I made a lot of friends and I’ve done things on my own. After therapy, I went to see Avis to give her the birthday present I bought, a necklace with the Chinese characters for long life. She liked it and she kissed me on the cheek. We sat in her bedroom, she in her teddy-bear rocking chair that was Scott’s birthday gift to her. Scott has so much schoolwork he can’t see her too much, so she said maybe she and I should go to the movies tonight. I made an excuse and declined. Avis told me that Stacy’s very into herself and may not be good for me. That might be true. I saw a card in Shelli’s handwriting on Avis’s dresser, and out of morbid curiosity, I picked it up. It was a engraved card that said “Peace….Shelli and Jerry.” “What some people waste money on,” Avis said. But I felt down when I saw their names together, printed, so official-looking. I left Avis’s apartment and went home for supper. 12/30 When Elspeth called me crying about her family problems last night, it was easy for me to tell her, “Life is what you make it.” But can I apply that to myself? As I drove by the lake in Prospect Park, I thought, yes, it’s true. I have so much. I want to share it with other people – particularly with one special person. And I’m sure she exists – somewhere. 12/31 I’m going over to Scott’s soon. He and Avis and I are going to bake electric bagels. I’ll excuse myself before midnight, as they’ll want to be alone, and head over to Mark and Consuelo’s party. At dusk I took a long drive. The sky turned reddish and then black.
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Copyright © 2001 Richard Grayson |