Victorian Winters (5) The girl looked surprised and said quickly: ‘You are mad, Teresa. What are you saying? I didn’t take anything.’ Teresa stopped. The presence of the young woman seemed to captivate Teresa. There were her eyes and that skin. She had that slender frame which evoked elegance. Teresa was silent and seemed to study the other. Then Maria Antonina said: ‘You are a lonely woman, Teresa…’ Teresa was quiet. The thought that the girl might blackmail her came to her but she didn’t want to put the idea of blackmail into the other’s mind if she wasn’t actually thinking about it. There was silence. Teresa said then: ‘The others are gone…the fire..’ ‘Yes, madam.’ ‘Why did you leave..you left so early..’ Teresa said. ‘I washed, Madam and I slept in your house…I am grateful…’ Teresa smiled as she looked at her but she didn’t say anything. ‘Why are you smiling, Teresa?’, Maria Antonina asked then. Teresa couldn’t find anything to say. The image of Maria Antonina caressing her came to her but she remained silent. Then Maria Antonina said: ‘What do you want, Teresa?’ ‘My husband…’ ‘What about your husband…I need food, shelter…I want someone to protect me…’ Maria Antonina said quickly. ‘Yes.’, Teresa replied. Then Maria Antonina said: ‘I won’t tell anyone..I just wanted to wash..go away..madam..’, the young woman said. Then she turned back and faced Teresa: ‘So Teresa, you care about this man…your husband?’ ‘Yes’, Teresa said automatically. She looked across at Maria Antonina and asked quickly: ‘You are leaving..?’ ‘Yes..of course…I had to leave early…to be here..my father..he’s ..’ Maria Antonina seemed to become confused and Teresa said: ‘Yes, yes.’ There was a silence again. Teresa looked at the other and said: ‘You are….’ ‘What?’ ‘You are beautiful..Maria..you’ll find a man..is that what you want…?’ ‘I suppose…’ ‘And your …’ Teresa stopped. ‘What?’ ‘I mean your eyes..they are…they are beautiful too…’ ‘Thank-you, Madam..’ ‘Teresa.’ ‘I mean Teresa…’ Maria Antonina tried to smile. Then she said: ‘I must go, Teresa..’ Teresa said quickly: ‘Can I give you money.. you need money’. Before Maria Antonina answered, Teresa had reached into her pockets and she gave some coins to the other. ‘It’s not much..’, Teresa muttered. ‘Thank-you’, the other said Her relationship with Maria Antonina surprised her but Maria Antonina disappeared quickly from her life. The gypsies left the woods and the night with Maria Antonina became just a memory. What did it mean? It didn’t seem to mean anything. It was just something strange, something peculiar that happened to her. A week after Maria Antonina and the gypsies’ departure, Teresa went back into the city. She felt that old fear and anger again. No it wasn't the lost child. Why should she feel angry about this anyway..angry about a baby..and she didn't feel angry about what had happened with Maria Antonina..No. So she wasn’t angry. She was lost. Yes she felt lost and she confused it with anger, fear..all that..yes she needed direction..That day she walked around the old city streets. She wondered whether she should visit Kelvin but she thought against it. She decided to go to the nuns. Yes they'd help her with some work, help her do some work at home..And she wanted to be a proper wife. It was a few months later that she went back to the city and she walked without thinking in the direction of Kelvin's studio. She looked up at it. Then she saw the image of Kelvin again but it was the drunken, angry Kelvin. She didn't want to talk to a man like this but Kelvin was her gateway to a life, a real life. Yes she really felt this and she felt she needed to talk to him again. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A few months after the night with Maria Antonina, Teresa sat with Kelvin. Yes she decided now to go back to him. Kelvin was good for her. She felt this. Kelvin's relationship with Addie was over but he was still a friend and she wanted to return to her old life. She wasn’t sure how this could work but she ached for her old life, or at least aspects of it and Kelvin represented a part of that life. They sat together on an old bench in his studio. Kelvin was not surprised to see her enter the studio. He greeted her as if it had been yesterday. Yes that was Kelvin! ‘You are a lonely woman Mrs Denby..’, he said as he held a cup filled with wine. He looked at her as she remained silent. ‘Addie broke up with me…months back…you said she was good for me..’ Teresa turned and looked at him. What was he saying? Then she rose suddenly. The thought of Maria Antonina came to her and it didn’t feel right to sit beside Kelvin like this as if she was his lover and then there was Denby. As if reading her thoughts, Kelvin said smiling: ‘You don’t want to be my lover.. then..’ Teresa was quiet. There was a time when she could answer such remarks with a quick wit but she felt powerless now, she felt feeble. ‘No, don’t worry..’ Kelvin said quickly. Then he said: ‘You are a lonely woman…and you have a beauty..’ She tried to smile. She said: ‘You say I have a beauty ..like the pictures you paint…’ ‘I could paint you if you want..’, he said. ‘Yes’. They were quiet as suddenly some music drifted up from the streets. Kelvin saw Teresa smile and then she said quickly: ‘Wait let’s dance..I haven’t heard music for a long time..hold me..you are an artist.. please, let’s dance.’ You surprise me.. yes’. He rose then and walked over to her and put his arms round her waist. Teresa suddenly felt ucomfortable and Kelvin stood away from her quickly: ‘What is it?’ ‘No, no.. let’s dance…it’s alright..’ She heard the music playing and he put his arms round her and they began to sway to the rhythm of the distant music. Then the music stopped. Kelvin said: ‘And you are lonely..you are sad..’ ‘I’m not lonely..not sad when I’m with you…you know that Kelvin..I missed you.. I did.. our talks…I just didn’t know whether it was right…’ Kelvin stood away from her as Teresa asked: ‘You don’t see Addie then…?’ ‘No, no..I have changed..Addie has…I think people change..I mean in the time I haven’t seen you..I think you have changed…’ ‘Have I?’ ‘Yes’. Teresa looked closely at him and their eyes met but then she turned away quickly. The image of Maria Antonina came to her suddenly. No she didn’t want to become intimate with Kelvin. Oh she wished he would be her friend, that he would help her make a life for herself. She said then looking at Kelvin: ‘You said I was lonely…Kelvin… I am..yes I am lonely..I just want to be your friend..I need you…you know that…’ ‘Of course’, Kelvin replied. Then he continued: ‘I like being with you, Teresa…you have your husband.. you know who I am, Teresa.. yes…’ He stopped and then said: ‘You want some soup’ ‘No’. Then the music began to play again. It was the same music as before. Kelvin said: ‘Can we dance…let’s dance..’ They began to sway again to the rhythm and Teresa heard Kelvin say: ‘So lonely we are!’, Kelvin said ‘Oh shut up Kelvin, let’s dance, let’s be quiet… the music is so..’ They were quiet as she heard him say: ‘Does your husband love you?’ Teresa was quiet. The question surprised her but she wanted to dance above all as the music was continuing to play. When the music stopped, she said: ‘That’s a strange question..do you think I can answer that..no I can’t…I can’t…I can’t..’ ‘You can’t what..Teresa.. can you not love..’ He looked at her. Then he said: ‘It takes strength to love, doesn’t it. You’re right. You know I have my women. No I can’t love…’ ‘Really?’ Kelvin didn’t answer. He seemed to think. Then he said: ‘Your husband..he is distant..he doesn’t love you..’ ‘You asked me already, haven’t you?’ He didn’t answer and she said: ‘Maybe you’re right..maybe he doesn’t…’ ‘Do you love him?’ Kelvin said quickly. ‘I don’t like talking about love..I told you.’ There was silence in the air. Teresa seemed to be thinking about something. Would the music play again? Then she said: ‘And you love Addie..?’ ‘Teresa..that’s over..and I don’t like to talk of love…it’s poetry..it’s not real to me…’ She looked over at him and said then ‘And do you love me, Kelvin..’ Kelvin looked at her and said quickly: ‘I don’t know Teresa…we can..we can have something but you’re married..and you want friendship..and I want friendship..I am being honest with you.’ They were quiet and Teresa looked around the room almost dreamily and said, as if speaking to herself: ‘I must save my marriage.. I have to…I can’t just abandon it.. I feel as if I’m just abandoning it..’ She rose quickly, saying: ‘I can’t abandon it..… I can’t…it’s not right…’ Oh Teresa..you want to be a good girl..a good ..really good girl..’ Teresa turned around and looked at him. He looked at her and said: ‘Well we are friends, Teresa..I hope we will always be friends..come to me.. I’ll paint you.. I’ll draw you…’ ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The light was dancing in the evening sky. Evening, darkness and then brightness, light glittering, a shadowy room. Teresa lay beside Kelvin in the evening shadows. It was about four months before the arrival of Frederika. She felt the presence of Kelvin beside her and rose from the bed. She didn’t feel like Kelvin’s lover. Was she meant to feel this ? No Kelvin and her were certainly more friends than lovers. As she rose, she expressed in her mind the thought that she and Kelvin wouldn’t sleep together again. She preferred to talk to him, preferred him to be her confidant. He was her passage to a new life, he embodied that passage. Then she looked back at him. Maybe she secretly wanted to be his lover. Yes maybe they could be… Then she felt Kelvin’s eyes on her as he said: ‘It hurts me to lie beside you like this’. Teresa understood. She looked quickly out at the night-sky. She wanted to smile. She felt the evening in the room, the cold evening in the room but still there was a certain warmth. Then she looked back at Kelvin and said: ‘It hurts me too. We are really friends…I’m sorry..’ ‘No don’t be sorry! But it hurts you too, does it Teresa? You are a friend, another soul who I can talk to but I don’t need to tell you this, do I?’ ‘No’. Teresa was quiet as Kelvin closed his eyes. There was that comfortable silence between them and it was strange that they had just slept together. It crossed Teresa’s mind of course that she had done a wrong, committed a sin according to the religion she was brought up in. ‘You thinking of your husband?’, Kelvin said suddenly. ‘No..this had to happen…I haven’t told him about you..Oh I am confused..I don’t know..was I meant to marry…what did you tell me?’ Kelvin glanced up at her. ‘Guilty, are you?’ ‘Shut up, Kelvin. Oh I want to be silent…listen…I love this evening, the night…’ Kelvin rose then and quickly dressed. He heard then Teresa say: ‘Addie’ and he turned. She said: ‘Addie. Would this have happened if she was here. We are friends…Addie brought us together’. ‘You are dreaming, Teresa’, then he turned and put on his boots. He turned again: ‘Maybe, you’re right. Do you think Addie was good for me then?’ ‘Kelvin, you’re mad. Do you want pity or something. Oh Addie, Addie’, Teresa said. Then she turned and walked to the window. She heard Kelvin behind her say: ‘Oh confusion, confusion, fear, fear, you’re always afraid, Teresa. Well I am..I am afraid now’. ‘Are you?’, Teresa said turning to face him. ‘Of what?’ she asked then, ‘ But you’re not afraid of my husband, are you?’ Kelvin stood up. ‘No I’m not. I know you’re not. No I don’t care and sweet soul, this love won’t last anyway’, he said almost theatrically, ‘But I’ll be there for you..’ ‘You’re a friend. You’re still my lover..’ Teresa said looking at him seriously. The thought that she had committed a wrong went through her. This could herald the end of her marriage. Kelvin looked into her eyes. ‘So you’re thinking of Denby…’ ‘Of course I never told him of you anyway..so I mean just because we have slept together…I never told him about our meetings.. talking..the portrait you did of me..’ Kelvin turned away. Then he turned back quickly. Teresa said then: ‘Are you afraid of my husband?’ ‘Are you mad, Teresa? Why should I? I don’t know him..I don’t want to know him..I know you..you’re an individual..you know I don’t think of you as married..as a married woman..you’re independent.. aren’t you..’ He looked quickly into her eyes. Teresa closed her eyes and didn’t want to say anything. She opened her eyes as she felt Kelvin was expecting her to speak but he had turned away and had walked into the next room. END
Copyright © 2008 Joel Ficelle |