Victorian Winters (3) Teresa looked across at Denby reading the paper. Yes Addie was in her life now and there was Kelvin too. Yes she felt she could call him by his first name. Yes Kelvin was curious but why? He was an outsider. Yes she knew that. He was an artist. Maybe he liked to love. He was a lover. Maybe he liked to love women but there was Addie, that other curious figure and he liked her. At least he respected her. Or she was good for him and he knew that. Yes he knew that she was good for him. Oh why was she thinking of Addie and Kelvin now..why at this time..in the silence of the evening..sitting across from that stranger…Denby…Yes he was a stranger and she couldn’t understand him. Oh why couldn’t she make an effort to understand him in the way that she tried to understand Addie and Kelvin. But she didn’t want to understand Denby. Anyway she was tired. Then she felt Denby looking at her. She rose without thinking and then suddenly he said: ‘You grow apart from me…we spend long evenings like this…quiet…’ Teresa turned and looked at him. ‘I’m sorry Henry.I don’t understand…I mean I’m tired…and it’s so quiet here..’ she said without thinking. ‘You mean you don’t like it here…’ ‘Of course..yes…yes..actually I do.. Henry…I’m getting used to it still.. I know you have to work…and we’re still…we’re still…’ ‘I know we’re a young couple..just married..I have to earn..you understand Teresa.. I’m grateful for that..a lot of women wouldn’t understand….’ Teresa turned away. She felt fragile ; She didn’t know what to say. What had she been thinking of ? Addie, Kelvin and now here is Henry asking her about something…She felt her mind was blank, like the evening outside, just one colour. Or maybe she just didn’t want to talk to Denby. Yet as she looked outside, she felt her mind becoming darker, oh those dark black thoughts. Was it the baby again? She still didn’t really know if Denby thought about that child. No it wasn’t a child, it wasn’t a baby, it was a pre-born baby..whatever..still it could have been a child. Teresa walked slowly to the door. She stopped and looked back at Denby who looked up. ‘I want to go to bed…’, Teresa said..’ you stay here.. I just want to rest…I'm tired’ ‘yes…', Denby said. Then as she turned away, he said quickly: ‘It’s not the baby again..do you still think…’ She looked back at him. What was he saying? Just because she was tired..he thought she was troubled..oh she was...and she had been thinking of the baby..but she didn't want to talk now. She replied: ‘Of course I do…do you not think about it…?’ ‘Yes Teresa but these things happen don’t they…of course… I want a child..but there’s still time…’ She nodded and then walked out of the room. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Teresa walked through the cobbled streets to Kelvin’s studio. She walked through the courtyard and then she went upstairs and knocked softly. There was no answer. Then it dawned on her that the door might be open. Yes the door was open when she turned the handle. She looked inside and there was no-one but perhaps he was in the kitchen or the bedroom. She was afraid to enter the room fully and she stood at the doorway looking in. Oh why was she afraid! She wondered then what Kelvin must think of her. Did he think of her as almost a mad woman, a woman so lonely that she made friends with anyone, that she jumped at the opportunity to meet new people, anyone, and now Kelvin was the unfortunate man she was pestering for friendship. Then she closed the door quickly and walked briskly downstairs. She felt her head ringing, spinning. What was she doing here…why did she coming here to that girl’s lover..Addie’s lover…? Yet she felt that this man, Kelvin, understood her. He was an outsider like her. Yes she thought of him as a kind of outsider. He was an artist but he wasn’t a certain kind of artist, the lonely artist, the artist who was an outsider. Yes. But above all she could talk to him and she felt he was lonely too. Yes. H had asked her to come back. He had said too that he wanted to be her friend..yes he was a kind young man..an artisan with an open heart…an open mind..an open soul.. and yes she was so lonely..she felt she needed help… and Addie had given her almost a chink of light to help her and she grasped at this chink of light with the energy that she still possessed. She stood in the courtyard below his studio and then she decided to go back. Yes she had come to the city and she just wanted to talk to someone. He was really the only friend she had, the only one she could talk to. Yes it was sad but she needed to follow that chink of light. She walked back up the stairs to the studio and opened the door and walked inside. Maybe he was inside after all. Then suddenly as she stood almost in the middle of the room, she saw his bedroom door open and out walked a woman. She knew instinctively it was a prostitute. The woman glanced at her but walked swiftly out of the studio. Then there was Kelvin standing at the doorway of the bedroom fully dressed, looking directly at her, almost inquisitively. His face was serious but you felt that his eyes were smiling. ‘Kelvin..’ she said. She didn’t know whether she heard him. Oh she must explain why she was there. Then she smiled and she looked over at him. He smiled too. ‘Don’t tell Addie…’ Teresa without thinking bowed her head to signal she wouldn’t. She made the gesture in a theatrical way and when she rose her head, Kelvin was smiling again. He said: ‘What Teresa…don’t tell Addie will you…I said..you heard me.’ ‘Of course Kelvin..’ she said looking straight at him. Teresa without thinking turned to the window. ‘Wait I’ll just tidy myself..I’ll be back..take a drink.. Teresa..’, Kelvin said turning back into his bedroom. Then Teresa found herself standing at the window. What was all this about? Now suddenly she had a secret to keep from that girl. Yes here was Kelvin asking her to keep a secret but was it a secret. She didn’t really think it important whether a man saw prostitutes or not. Then as she thought about this, she felt images of her own life as a prostitute come before her. Oh she didn’t care what Kelvin did. All she wanted was friendship. She’d keep these damned secrets..whatever..all she wanted was someone to talk to..Oh she could talk to this man Kelvin… Then Kelvin stood at the doorway. She looked quickly at him. He seemed to be worried. ‘Don’t worry..’, Teresa said softly, ‘I should have knocked. Oh don’t worry’. She was quiet then as she felt his eyes on her. Was he angry? Then she said: ‘What’s her name…I used to live around here..’ He didn’t answer at first. Then he said quickly. ‘What do you care?’ She was quiet. She didn’t know what he wanted. She tried to say again not to worry but he said: ‘I don’t want to bargain with you..teresa…’ ‘Wait Kelvin…you misunderstand me…. of course…I won’t tell her..I said I won’t tell Addie..lots of men see girls..I mean..’ For a second she thought of telling him she had worked as a prostitute but she stopped. ‘You mean..’ he muttered. ‘I like Addie..’ Teresa said looking at him trying to think what she should say. Yes this man seemed to be worried she should tell Addie. Yes from his side, she was his sweetheart’s employer. But she wouldn’t. ‘yes so do I…but what does that mean..’ he was quiet. Then he continued: ‘Sorry Teresa, I understand..you won’t tell her..I mean ..Addie..I love her..she’s my girl..you understand Teresa..’ Teresa nodded as he walked over to a chair and sat down. ‘Oh I’m tired..oh all this.. I’m sorry..I need ..I think I need people like you..I mean that’s why you’re here..you’re lonely…you know I’m trying to understand you, Teresa. Yes Addie works for you..but you’re a friend..I’m sorry..I’m just tired..’ ‘I’m sorry Kelvin..I should have knocked..but I told you..I mean…it’s a secret..I know you like Addie..’ ‘Yes, yes Teresa..I know..I’m just tired..’ He sat still. Then he looked up at her and said suddenly: ‘I like you..Teresa ..a kindred soul..someone who needs friendship..people…I do…I think I do…Yes..oh you’re ..we can understand each other, can’t we, Teresa?’ ‘I think so..’ Teresa said softly looking at him. ‘Stay here’,he said without raising his head. Then he looked at her. Teresa wondered then: Was he drunk? Maybe he was. He was behaving strangely..oh she didn’t know. Then he continued: ‘Be my friend, yes be my friend, Teresa, you’re so understanding..yes I like Addie…I need her..that is the important thing…yes’. ‘Yes’, Teresa said as Kelvin beckoned to a chair. They were silent then as Kelvin rose and went into a small kitchen. He came out with two glasses of wine. ‘Sit down, be at home…’ He looked at her closely. ‘What is it?’, he asked. ‘No Kelvin.. I just wanted to tell you..that you’re a friend.. I need a friend…don’t worry about that..you know.... I have no-one..I don’t…I mean I’m just an ordinary working girl who married good…I did .. I think.. But I’m lonely.. I am…I have ..I mean I have nothing…I mean I have things to do…but there’s no ..there’s no meaning..can you say that.. I miss work,.. I know a woman shouldn’t say that…I miss..surviving…’ She felt Kelvin looking at her strangely. Oh she was babbling. She was talking like a mad woman. Oh she hoped Kelvin would understand her. Then he said: ‘I know..of course.. Teresa…you’re at home.. I told you you’re a friend..’ The next time Teresa came to see Kelvin was two weeks later. He was a real friend now, a confidant, someone she could talk to. And he had that temper, that manner of speaking which was like Jackson and Antoinette but he was obviosly from a different background. He was a way too for Teresa of returning to something, of creating a life for herself. She ached to create a life for herself which she felt she lost when she married Denby. Now Teresa sat listening to Kelvin who sat in front of her. He was drunk too. Still she had nowhere to go. Denby was not coming home that evening. Then she heard Kelvin speaking: ‘I love Addie..’ he said. Then Teresa rose and looked outside. She did it without thinking. She turned quickly as Kelvin's voice seemed to rise. ‘Lonely angry woman..listen to me..I’m talking to you..I know we don’t sleep together..’ She looked at him closely. What was he saying? He mentioned 'sleeping together'. Oh he was drunk. She smiled without thinking and he looked at her wildly. ‘We can sleep together can’t we..we can kiss can’t we and no-one will know..’, he said. Teresa herself was not surprised by these words. She was used to Kelvin's temperament. He could speak like this. There was also the fact that they shared a secret from Addie and this flashed before Teresa's mind now. Still besides this, they had a close friendship. They were two souls who met and quickly understood each other. Then she said almost provocatively: ‘But you said you love Addie. So what does this mean..Kelvin?’ He seemed surprised. He didn't reply and she said: ‘Sleeping together won’t mean anything..there is no meaning…artist…artist..’ she said quickly. She didn't know why she said this. She felt angry suddenly and this drunken's man presence annoyed her. ‘Is that an insult…you mean that as an insult..are you calling me an artist..is that an insult..’, she heard him say. She was quiet as she tried to think. She had drunk three glasses of wine and she felt tipsy but she tried to control her mind. What was he saying? What was this argument about? She tried to think, She must leave. 'Kelvin, I must leave, are you alright?', she said then. 'What are you saying? Are you leaving ? Wait..what were we talking about..you can't leave..' She replied: 'You don't know...' 'Wait Teresa, you think I'm drunk, useless...but my ....Addie..' he seemed to murmur. She stood waiting for him to continue as he said: 'No, I don't want to think of Addie. So you will not tell Addie about the prostitutes..' Teresa was surprised by Kelvin's sudden lucidity. So he still thought about this. He still thought that she might tell Addie about this. This surprised Teresa. Did he not believe they had a bond, a true friendship? Teresa was silent as she turned away. Then she heard him shout: ‘Yes I am..damned fool..why don’t you tell her…’ Oh he was drunk! 'Wait Kelvin, what are you saying...you're drunk..you know this..', she said. ‘Well I’ll wager…angry woman..you have always hidden your damned feelings..you are hiding them now..you come here..from your husband..you have nowhere to go...oh lonely woman..' Teresa stood looking at him. 'Wait, you're mad. Yes I have nowhere to go. I am lonely.' Then she was quiet. She waited and she saw that these words seemed to calm Kelvin down as he put his head in his hands. He murmured: 'Sorry Teresa, wait.. do you want anything...food, drink before you go...' He looked up quickly as she said: 'No..thanks...Kelvin..' There was silence as Kelvin looked at her. He said: 'But why do you come here.. I don't understand..we can talk, can't we.. I know I've drunk.. I don't want to hurt you..' 'Yes'. 'Yes what?', he said quickly. Then as she remained silent, he said: 'Oh I had a bad day. That damned painting is ruined.' 'Well don't talk to me like this..I'm going..' Teresa said but she still remained at the window. He said then: 'Are you afraid? You told me you're afraid....why are you here..why…and you talk to me of feelings…’ he put his head in his hands. What was Kelvin saying? Then without thinking, she walked over to his side and pushed him. He fell heavily to the floor but he was drunk so he didn't feel anything. She knew this as he looked up surprised. She felt angry as she looked at him and he looked up almost helplessly. 'What was that, Teresa?', he said innocently. 'You're not angry..' she said without thinking. Then she said: 'But you don't trust me...' Words came from her automatically and spontaneously. She continued: 'I'll go soon...Oh I feel week..get up off the floor...sorry..but you're...you were saying things...you're angry..' Kelvin rose and leant his hands on the back of the chair. He looked confused as he said: 'What's all this about? You pushed me. Why?' 'You mentioned my husband..Oh I don't know..sorry Kelvin..oh I feel drunk...you are Kelvin..I'm sorry for pushing you but please don't say anything...you're drunk...' she said walking away. ‘You are an angry woman..’ he said trying to smile. As he looked at her he realised that he had said something to hurt her. Yes he probably should be quiet. She stood looking at him at a distance as he still leant against the chair. ‘I’m not going to hit you..I’m sorry..Teresa.. I know I said something..Oh I think that woke me up..anyway..you pushing me....’ He saw Teresa still standing timidly at the window. He smiled to himself. She looked lost. He said then: ‘I said it's alright…you were right to push me…it’s alright Teresa…’ ‘Sorry Kelvin..’ she muttered. ‘What were we talking about…Teresa..I forget…’, he said. 'I don;t know..I think you mentioned my husband..me..Addie. ..’ He looked at her steadily. 'Addie?' 'Yes, Addie is good for you..' Teresa said. 'Yes, Addie's a precious, kind heart..soul', he said dreamily. 'You said you loved her, Kelvin.' 'Did I? I mean she likes me..so why wouldn’t I ..she gives me food ..money…oh I know I’m an artist…yes Teresa..that’s what you were saying..you called me a damned artist..oh it’s alright..angry woman…’, he said. He seemed to be thinking, to be concentrating, trying to remember and Teresa looked away. Then she looked back and said: ‘Kelvin..why do you call me an angry woman..I’m not..I’m not…I’m afraid…I feel ..I don’t feel well but I’m not angry...I come here to you..maybe I’m lonely...I need friends..you’re a friend..Kelvin..’ Then he saw her walking over to him and she put her hand on his shoulder. ’Sorry Kelvin..I didn’t mean to push you…’ ‘I know..Teresa..’. He felt his eyes closing and he heard her saying: ‘Alright you’re tired..will I go…’ ‘You stay here if you want..’ ‘You know I shouldn’t come here so often..I feel so foolish actually..I mean..I’ve no life and I’m looking for a life..it feels like that…’, Teresa said. ‘You’re lonely..I don’t mind..I’m lonely…you’re my friend..you’re addie’s friend..' he stopped and then he said smiling, ’but I don’t tell her about this…this is private..this is secret…I don’t tell her everything…about us…’ ‘Oh and what is there to tell..we don’t kiss..do we..we don’t lie together…’ she said. ‘We could kiss now..’ he said but he closed his eyes. He had said this without thinking and Teresa knew this. He said then: 'Damn I’m tired..I need to lie down…’ He walked into the bedroom. He shouted back: 'Teresa,stay as long as you like. I'm tired..' 'No, I'm going now..' Teresa replied from the next room. It was strange that when Addie left to work in the city, Teresa stopped immediately going to see Kelvin. As she sat alone in the house, she tried to remember Kelvin and what he said, his words. Yes she should go back to him. He was her friend after all and he had become more of a friend to her than Addie. Maybe she'd return to him. It just didn't feel right now that Addie was gone. Addie had told her of course to visit her and Kelvin. Anyway Addie left and Teresa in a way expected it. One day Addie said that she wanted to work in the city. She had looked into Teresa’s eyes and said that it wasn’t that she wanted to live or work nearer to Kelvin. No that wasn’t it. Addie said she didn’t want to live near him or with him. She told too that she felt that she wasn’t suitable for Kelvin. Teresa didn’t ask her the reason. When Teresa did meet Kelvin again months later, the relationship with Addie had ended. He had left Addie or more precisely she had left him. Yes, Teresa knew that Kelvin hadn’t the courage, the spirit to end it with Addie and why should he. He actually seemed to like Addie. Maybe he went with other women but he liked Addie. Yes he liked Addie. Teresa knew that he did. He looked up to her. She herself looked up to Addie and admired her spirit, that soul, that soul of Addie. In Addie she felt there was an unquenchable spirit. When later she met Frederika, Teresa felt too that there was an unquenchable spirit in her and yes Frederika was special to her. Still in Addie there was that spirit too but there were different types of unquenchable spirit. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- It was early spring now but you felt it was still winter. There was a winter air as Teresa woke up suddenly. She had slept lightly. The sound of Denby’s voice was in her mind from the argument two days before. She hadn't gone to see Kelvin for weeks and as she woke, this thought came to her but there was also Denby. There was just herself in the house now. She needed to stay in the house, do more work. She couldn't afford to visit Kelvin so often. Yes Mrs Nelson came occassionally but it was just herself. She was getting used to the silence of the house, a new silence around her now that Addie was gone. But there was that argument with Denby. She wasn't sure what it was about and that argument of course shattered the silence, her silence, the silence of the house. She rose now. She didn't know what time it was. There was sun streaming into the room. She hadn't pulled the curtain but it could still be early, maybe dawn. She walked to the window. The thought that she shouldn't be here came to her. Why was she here? Why was she looking at this sun? The image of Kelvin, then of Jackson and Antoinette came to her. Yes she was used to the city. She needed to work. She couldn't see Kelvin but maybe she'd visit him again. She really needed a life... She looked round the room in the low soft light, and she looked into the shadows. Then she dressed quickly. The sun was in the sky. And there was that headache. What was that argument about.. love or something...he asked her did she love him... She stood still. Maybe he was right to ask this? Kelvin and Addie and the old life were in her mind for a while now but since Addie went, there was a change in the air. Yes maybe she should be in the house more, more a wife, more a worker..' She walked to the bed quickly and sat down. she felt strange..No she needed to go outside into the air...She needed to walk..and she decided to go into the woods nearby. She knew there were gypsies there but she didn't mind and the image of the gypsies in the early sunlight made her smile. She rose and walked downstairs quickly. She looked at some bread lying on the table but she didn't feel hungry. Then she walked outside into the fresh sunlight. The woods were not far away and in minutes, she was standing on the edge of the woods. There was a fire in a clearing in the distance and she watched it carefully. Then thoughts came to her as she stood on the fresh morning grass. She thought of Denby : Yes he had provided for her, she was his wife but he had paid for everything, for her food, everything. And he really got nothing back and yet he didn’t seem to expect anything. Yes he expected support and he expected her to be a proper wife and he had those middle-class ideas of marriage…being proper and all.. appearances..or maybe he didn’t.....no the working class had ideas like these too about being proper..all that..doing the right thing..doing the right thing in society....She stopped thinking as she looked at the fire in the clearing ahed. She felt the fire made her think more clearly and she thought again of Denby ...No..the main thing was..that this man paid for her and provided her..he gave her everything..she really seemed to have married Denby for comfort and security, a house…Jackson had said something like this….and she had in a way lied to Denby..was she not dishonest to him..she never shared anything..never told him about her old life..about what she wanted..but what she really wanted, she couldn't tell him..didn't she really want freedom…whatever that was..and she wanted a proper life…you know…to be independent..to survive…not be so reliant. Yes, she felt she was living a false life..she had married him for comfort and security but was this what life was..surely life required one to be independent in some way.. yes, as a wife she had to be with her husband and support him..make a home..but she seemed to rely on him for everything..she had no life on her own. Wasn’t it right too to bring something to the marriage..but she brought nothing..yes..nothing at all..she brought nothing to society either. She lived on the outskirts. She was not really living...wasn’t there something wrong in her life…surely there was something wrong..yes.. She stood still in the woods. Yes she really felt tired. Why? Was it the argument ? Or did she feel empty. She thought suddenly of Kelvin. Why didn't she see him? Just because Addie left her employment shouldn't stop her visiting him but she felt too that Addie and Kelvin had split, that they had ended their relationship. Towards the end of her employment, Addie talked less and less of Kelvin and for Teresa, this did not go by unnoticed.
Copyright © 2008 Joel Ficelle |