Victorian Winters (2)
Teresa looked at Addie quickly and remembered then it was the early morning perhaps nine. She had risen early and had begun to make bread. She realized then that it was the beginning of the day. Teresa leant against the sink; ‘I’m thinking..it’s morning..I thought it was afternoon for a minute…I’m sorry….will you have some tea and we’ll talk…’ ‘Ma’am, I just wanted to introduce myself…I’ll start some work..I’m ready..’ ‘Of course..’ They were silent as Addie looked steadily at her mistress and Teresa felt she was uncomfortable. Then Teresa said: ‘Would you mind cutting the grass in the back…’ ‘Of course, Ma’am’, Addie said quickly. Teresa continued to lean against the sink behind her. She didn’t know what to say. Yes she’d show this girl where the tools were. Then she heard the girl say: ‘Lie down Ma’am..rest..’ Addie said calmly. ‘No, I’m alright..Mrs Nelson will be here to-morrow..the house needs renovation,, it needs washing..it certainly does…and I’ll show you where the tools are now..for cutting.’ Teresa then walked over to the back door and into the garden at the back. There was an old shed and Teresa pointed to the shed with her head. ‘Is it an old house, Ma’am?’, the girl said then, She was a tall, svelte girl. A girl of intelligence yes, of spirit too. And above all she looked like a muse, an artist’s muse. ‘Yes, I think so, we wanted to move to the country, you see, Addie, my husband and I and he bought this house. This old house, it needs renovation, all right..’ ‘Of course’. Yes she felt tired. This was the first person Teresa had met for a long time. She had spent hours with Mrs Nelson and hours of course on her own too but now this girl came, this girl called Addie into her life. ---------------------------------------------------------------- It was silent that evening, the silence of the evening, the silence of the coming nights. Still there were some sounds, the sounds of the night, someone lighting a fire, some vagrants, yes she didn't mind. And it was winter but you knew it was winter because of the early night and Teresa liked it. She looked at the figure now of Addie moving in the garden, now bending over to finish off something. Addie, yes she was a strong svelte girl. She had a lover, yes Addie had told her that and she said he was an artisan or something, yes that was what she said. What kind of artisan, yes, she could ask Addie that. Oh, oh such pain, such darkness, such peace. Denby seemed to be happy in the city, at least he was content in his j ob, in his life. So he was content, yes. This made Teresa think. Why was Denby content? Was he smugly content about something? Was this what happiness was? So he had married and found a profession..She was quiet then as she looked at Addie. 'You don't want to go home?', she said across to Addie. Addie didn't seem to hear and Teresa looked at her closely. Then she walked over to her and said: 'Addie, you want to go home..?' 'Ma'am, it's not finished..' Teresa looked at her quickly. 'You call me Ma'am..' 'Yes, Ma'am..' 'I mean..Addie..you call me Ma'am...I mean..' 'Yes, Ma'am.' Teresa was trying to ask her why she addressed her as Ma'am. Addie had addressed her like this for the few weeks she was with her but now in the darkness of the evening, something struck Teresa. No this was strange. She didn't want to be called 'Ma'am..' but the girl in front of her looking up at her, her hands covered in clay, seemed confused and Teresa said: 'You're a good worker, Addie..' 'Thank-you, Ma'am', Addie said looking up at Teresa. Yes Addie seemed confused. She was lost in her work .Yes that was why she seemed confused. Then Teresa walked away and thought: 'Yes she'd like to talk to Addie properly..be a friend to her..yes Addie could be a good friend..but why didn't Addie talk to her as a friend...weren't they two people...alone together..and shouldn't they talk to each other...' Teresa came over and Addie stood up. Addie stood looking at the garden and Teresa said: 'You can go home, Addie, I told you...' 'Thank-you, Ma'am..' Teresa glanced at Addie who was wiping her hands. 'You have a man...Addie...' 'Yes, Ma'am..he's ...' Addie didn't blush at all at the mention of her lover. She stood tall and looked at Teresa. Instinctively she just knew her mistress wanted to make conversation. Yes her mistress was lonely. This woman, Mrs Denby...Mrs Teresa Denby was obviously a lonely woman. She knew that in the first few days she was in the house. But anyone would be lonely living away from one's spouse. Still she didn't think it right to broach conversation with Mrs Denby. There was something tempestuous about her, her temper, yes her quick temper. And above all this woman, Mrs Denby, this young mistress was lost. She seemed lost. Addie knew of course that Mrs Denby, her young mistress was a city girl. She had the accent, she had the quickness and a city-like sophistication. Addie liked that but she knew that some people looked down on this woman, Mrs Denby. Maybe it was because she wasn't from the countryside. Or Mrs Denby's own manner. But Mrs Denby didn't seem to have any friends. This had made Addie think in the first few days. Yes this young woman seemed lost, lonely and Addie wanted to talk to her but she didn't know if it was right to talk to one's mistress. The girl continued: 'He’s in the city..he’s an artist…struggling..but he’s good ..he’s in the city, Ma'am.’ Then Teresa said suddenly ‘Call me Teresa..I’m not used to this..some day I’ll tell you my story…but it’s dark now.. you want to go home…go home when you’re ready, Addie. I’m going into the kitchen to make bread…’ --------------------------------------------------------- We were in the garden again a few evenings later, Addie and myself. I felt Addie looking at me as I stood in the garden looking into the woods nearby. I looked at her quickly. Yes she wanted to say something and I felt myself puckering my brow as I looked at her. Then Addie said: ‘You are lonely, are you not, Mrs Denby..I mean…’ ‘Teresa’, I said softly but I felt as if she didn’t want to hear me. I knew she wanted to remain a distance from me, always to be a servant, or employee and myself, mistress or whatever. ‘I’m sorry’, I heard her saying and she was looking at me. What was she saying? Did she expect me to speak? I said quickly: ‘I mean my name is Teresa, we’re friends, are we not?’ ‘I can’t. You know, Ma'am, I'd like to..’, Addie replied looking straight at me. There was nothing strange about this conversation. We had been working or at least been in each other’s company for weeks. She was like a stranger to me. She could be anyone. I wondered of course why she wanted to work for me, wanted to work as a house-servant or whatever. Wouldn’t she rather work in a factory or something? Still I never asked her. She lived with her mother and stepfather in the village. Maybe she needed to work nearby. She was a beauty, yes, too who could captivate a man, perhaps an artist. She was thin. She had an angular but soft face and there was intelligence too in her eyes and yes, in some ways I was afraid of her beauty and intelligence together but she was kind and there was innocence too. Yes she could be a muse for an artist and a mistress of a house in time. ‘You like to have children?’, I heard myself saying. She looked at me but without puckering her eyes. She truly was an understanding type of girl but why did I ask this question. Oh I was confused! ‘Of course..’ ‘With your sweetheart?’ She nodded. There seemed to be some silence then. I knew she didn’t want to speak. She wanted me to speak. She had answered the question with a nod and now I had to proceed. I looked round. I was trying to think. Yes I am so lonely. This girl thinks I’m mad. ‘I’m not lonely’, I said then without thinking. ‘You lived in the city, did you not.?’, Addie asked. I felt her standing away from me, that confident air about her, that self-confident air. She was kind, She had an open heart. Yes that was it. She had an open heart. She could love but she could be loved but in a second I knew then that this girl could be a wife, a lover, a mother. She was a woman, yes. That was it. There was a strange elegance about her. ‘Yes’, I said looking at her. I knew she didn’t want to address me as ‘Ma’am’. I wanted to smile but I didn’t. How could I? How could I be condescending to a girl like this? ‘You were born there. In the city, I mean, Mrs Denby?’ ‘Yes’, I said looking at her and then away. Then I was conscious suddenly of the cold. ‘Oh it’s cold’, I said but I didn’t want to go inside and Addie seemed to know this. I looked at her: ‘You’re so smart, Addie…I mean..’ I was thinking then that Addie with her stature and svelteness could be an actress, a muse anyway. She was taller than me of course but she knew I had been in the theatre, worked there anyway. Would it be right for me to say that she could be an actress? ‘That’s the way my sweetheart talks..’ I heard her say. Oh it was cold. ‘Your sweetheart. does he..he’s an artisan is he?’, I replied quickly. ‘He works in metal…and he paints, he draws too..and photography…’ ‘I’m sorry, Addie’, I said looking straight at her. ‘Photography, Ma’am..’ ‘Of course..’ I said quickly..’I’m sorry…yes photography..and he sounds like a real artist..he admires you like a muse..does he..you know..Addie…’ ‘Yes, Ma’am..I’m his sweetheart….’ ‘Yes I think I know what photography is…is it art..it’s…I’ve not had my photograph..’, I said looking around. ‘Not when you were married?’, Addie said quickly. I looked at her quickly and I felt myself puckering my brow. What was Addie saying? A wedding photograph? But yes, she was right! Why wasn’t there a wedding photograph? ‘I’m sorry, I don’t understand, Addie…’, I said without thinking. ‘I mean you had your wedding photo..’ She knew I looked at her strangely. Of course..why didn’t Denby think about this but everything was so rushed.. I looked at her again. There was silence. ‘Come inside, Addie..’ Inside in the salon, Addie stood a distance away from me. I stood too. I didn’t want to sit. If I sat, I knew she’d remain standing. ‘No I’m not lonely, Addie’, I said looking at her, almost saying the first thing that came into my mind. ‘I know..I know you want me to call you Teresa..I’d like that…I know you’re lonely..’ She was looking at me closely. I was silent and I knew she wanted to say something. ‘What is it, Addie?’ ‘I’d like to introduce you to my sweetheart…you were in the theatre.. or I know you liked it…I mean you’re lonely..Ma’am..and he’s into art…and you like that…’ ‘Yes I’d like that..’ I said without thinking. ‘He has his studio in the city. You miss the city, perhaps..’ I knew then that Addie felt I had few friends if any. Yes she had sympathy, pity for me. She was offering to introduce me to new people. ‘He can introduce you to people..’ ‘I’d like that..’ I said quickly and in a flash, I saw the theatre again, the city, Jackson, Antoinette, a new start, a new beginning, a new life, a return to life, a return to real life. I felt Addie looking at me, almost studying me. She smiled shyly when I looked at her quickly. ‘Would you like some tea..you look cold..’ she said. ‘Thank-you, you’re kind, Addie’, I said softly. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Addie introduced me then to her sweetheart. Kelvin was his name. I could talk to Kelvin about things that I couldn’t to Addie. I didn’t mind this. Why should I mind? But it was strange that Kelvin and I should become close. And I knew Kelvin was an outsider. He was like me. He didn’t know what he wanted and maybe he could talk to me. I came to him needing help and I knew he needed help. He had a heart that needed healing but Addie didn’t seem able to heal it or maybe she was able to heel him but Kelvin just didn’t want to be healed. Yes I think this was it. I began to like Kelvin certainly as a friend. He was in his late twenties. Certainly older than Addie. He didn’t seem to know that much about Addie’s life, her work and it amused him, I think, at first to be talking to Addie’s employer but after a while, he saw me above all as a friend. If I had to think of a friend at this time, I thought of Kelvin. Addie was something, someone else. I couldn’t really talk to her, tell her I was afraid, really afraid. I remember one afternoon a week after I met Kelvin when I went to Kelvin’s studio. I don’t know why. I was lonely. I was looking for someone in the cold winter streets and I decided to go in Kelvin’s direction, , where he lived. I went up the steps to his studio and I found him perhaps slightly drunk but still receptive. He needed friendship as much as I needed it. And it was cold too! It was winter. Addie was working in the countyside. I wanted to return to the city and Kelvin offered me a way. Addie had introduced me to Kelvin and she had given me a new lease of life. ‘I’m tired..’, Kelvin said sitting on a chair and looking quickly at me. I felt afraid that afternoon, angry..I don’t know but that afternoon made me look at Kelvin differently. We were friends. Addie had introduced me to a true friend. Kelvin looked at me and continued: ‘What’s wrong, Teresa? You’re a frightened, angry..what animal…I can’t help you..will you help me..Teresa…?’ ‘Addie…?’ , Teresa said softly. He didn’t answer and then she said suddenly: ‘I’m afraid..you know..don’t ask me of what..Kelvin..’ Kelvin looked across at me and said: ‘Of your husband..it’s alright..Teresa..’ He was not surprised by the wild look in Teresa’s eyes. He knew the woman was troubled when Addie introduced her to him but now she was a friend. He likec to talk to her and she obviously had few friends. She had come to him twice in the past week. ‘I don’t know…I feel so sfraid…I mean I just thought of something in the last few days…I couldn’t tell Addie..’ She looked at Kelvin who seemed to be studying her. Then he said: ‘Wait, I need a drink.. you want anything..Teresa..’ ‘No.. Kelvin…’ Kelvin still remained sitting and he seemed to be tired. Then Teresa said: ‘Wait Kelvin..’ ‘You said you thought of something..Teresa..’ ‘Yes..I’m afraid…’ Then Teresa stopped and seemed to think. ‘You’re mad, you’re wild..you’re angry..’ ‘Stop it, Kelvin..stop it..but..I mean…I’m afraid..Kelvin..I am afraid..’ ‘Of what, damn it, Teresa..’ Teresa seemed to realize she was talking almost like a mad woman and she said softly looking at him: ‘I don’t annoy you..do I..’ Kelvin looked at her: ‘Of course not..wait..I’m not angry with you..’ he said without thinking and yes he wanted to talk to this woman. Then he heard her say: ‘I went to see a priest..you know…after I lost the baby..’ ‘Yes..’ ‘I don’t think I can have children…’ She waited for Kelvin to speak but he seemed to be thinking of something and he looked at her. ‘I know what you mean..Teresa.. I understand you.. I think.. Teresa…and you’ve told Addie…’ ‘Told Addie what?’, Teresa said quickly. ‘This? I mean you can confide in her..she likes you…she told me..she likes you as a friend not just as an employer…’ He saw a confused look in Teresa’s face and Teresa said: ‘I know that…but this place…all this reminds me of my old life ..in the theatre..’ ‘I know..’ ‘Wait..’ Teresa said then. They were silent as Teresa seemed to be thinking of something. Then she said: ‘But I don’t think I can have children.. I know it happens..but I’m afraid and how can a marriage work..I mean what’s it all about..all this..this marriage…’ ‘I don’ t know..damn it..Teresa..what are you saying..are you afraid of your husband..wait I need a drink..’ Kelvin said looking round but still he remained seated. ‘Damn it Kelvin..’ Teresa said suddenly. Kelvin looked at her steadily and said: ‘So what are you afraid of..?’ ‘I told you, didn’t I, Kelvin..’ ‘Am I mad…no Teresa..you didn’t damn tell me what you’re afraid of..you’re afraid that your marriage will fail..is that it..I don’t know..tell me..’ Kelvin then looked away. Teresa was quiet. Then she said: ‘And are you afraid, Kelvin?’ ‘Yes, of Addie..I can see her beauty, her mind, her soul.. I am blinded.. I am afraid…’. Teresa smiled, She wasn’t sure if Kelvin was serious. Maybe he was joking. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- It was winter. The Victorian nights were long now. Before Teresa met Kelvin, she actually liked to sit with Denby in the evenings when he was at home. They were comfortable together in the silence. Still there was that ‘something’ in Teresa’s mind. And yes Teresa thought of it as an object, something. It was an object and that object was a mass of fear and anger, of anger and fear but she wasn’t sure that the cause was. She didn’t know exactly what this object was. She had told Kelvin about this fear and as she sat opposite Denby now, she remembered again Kelvin’s words, what he said about her fear. He had said that it was the fear of telling her husband she couldn’t have a child but was that it? Wasn’t it possible that she could have a child. No, was this the cause of her fear and anger? Teresa felt there was something else and now as she sat across from Denby, she let thoughts swim in her mind. No, this mass of anger and fear involved something else. And she needed too find a light, a way, a new life. Maybe Kelvin was part or an integral part of this new life and it was the kind open soul of that girl Addie who had given her a chance. Addie offered her a way out but it was really Kelvin. Yes she was fortunate to meet Kelvin. Kelvin could have surely seduced her and taken advantage of her. Artists did this, didn’ t they but Kelvin was above all a friend and in her mind, she thanked him for this. Kelvin saw into her life and world in a way that Addie didn’t. Yes he seemed to understand her and she felt she could love him but she loved both Addie and Kelvin now. Addie was special too.
Copyright © 2008 Joel Ficelle |