Victorian Summer (2) Then they seemed to become suddenly silent and Teresa heard Anette asking her: ‘Will you marry, Teresa.. I mean..will you ever marry?' Anette saw that Teresa was surprised by her question and she glanced at Antoinette and then again at Teresa. Then Anette continued: ‘You know some people never marry, it’s not in them, so Teresa, I want to know your answer..will you ever marry?’ ‘I’m alone, I feel alone…if I find someone….’ ‘Someone to love you?’, Anette asked. ‘No, not really.’ ‘Children?’ ‘No. I want protection..’ Then Antoinette said quickly: ‘You mean a house, roof, shelter, money..?’ Teresa nodded in agreement and Anette said quickly: ‘Teresa’s too spiritual for that…’ Teresa replied: ‘What do you mean ‘spiritual’ .. come on Anette, I’ll marry if I have to ..I’m not going on the streets, I’m not going to be looking for shelter every day…if I have to marry I will..’ ‘What an answer, Teresa! ’, Anette said. Then she turned to face Teresa beside her: ‘But it’s what I think too..Teresa..yes if I marry, I marry… of course if a man asks me..and I’m lonely..or no…I’d like children..’ Then Anette stopped and seemed to think as she said: ‘But you need more than protection..more than…I mean..Teresa..don’t you, more than that...’ Teresa looked at Antoinette quickly and then answered: ‘Yes Anette, you need more…I don’t know…actually..I don’t know..’ ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Antoinette came to the theatre regularly now. Maybe she was drawn to it like the way Teresa was drawn to its world too ; The world of colour, of acting, of music. It was strange that Teresa herself always associated colour with the world of the theatre and in a way Antoinette did too but Antoinette never thought about it as much as Teresa. Above all they were both attracted to its life and sense of ‘aliveness’. Antoinette had found casual work in a factory but she came after work to see Teresa and so did Jackson too sometimes. One evening, Anette and Teresa came outside the theatre to talk to Antoinette who was sitting on a beach nearby. Antoinette seemed to be waiting for something. Teresa noticed a forlornness about her and maybe Anette did too. There was that lack of meaning, that yearning for something, that wish that life would begin anew but the question was how would this happen? Teresa felt it too, this wish for some sort of movement or action in her life. In a way she was excited by the world of the theatre but perhaps there had to be something else. Maybe the answer was marriage, or some sort of family life or maybe some other kind of meaning. But did meaning happen in the lives of people like Antoinette and Teresa? As they approached, Antoinette suddenly raised her head when she saw them approach. Teresa heard Antoinette ask suddenly: ‘Do you have a man, Anette?’ ‘You mean do I have a man for to-night, is that it…?’Anette answered quickly. She saw then that Antoinette was joking with her and that Antoinette was obviously tired. Then Anette said to Teresa as they sat down beside Antoinette: ‘You have an admirer, Teresa, is that it, it‘s that man we saw in the coffee-shop, weeks back, you know, Antoinette?’ Antoinette nodded quietly acknowledging that she knew. ‘I’m tired’, Teresa said. ‘You don’t like being followed…is that it?’, Anette said to Teresa. Anette was talking about that man again. Teresa didn’t mind talking about him. He was actually some kind of mysterious stranger now because he had not made any movement on his part to woo Teresa if that was what he wanted! Teresa raised her head and looking at the back door of the theatre said: ‘He doesn’t follow me…who is he.. who are you talking about anyway?‘. Teresa just kept looking straight ahead of her and Antoinette glanced at her and saw a confused look in Teresa's eyes. Still Teresa knew who Anette was speaking of but instinctively she wanted Anette to be more clear about whom she was speaking. Indeed there were other prospective lovers for Teresa. It was just that this man was different in some way. ‘I hate this game…‘ Teresa then said. They sat quietly and thrn Anette rose to go back into the theatre, Antoinette turned to Teresa and said: ‘I wonder does he want you as a lover…is that his wife that was with him..’ Teresa smiled to herself because she herself had been vaguely thinking of this man and it was strange too that Antoinette was too. ‘Such a sport..such a cad’, Teresa said trying to be theatrical. ‘Such men who play with a woman’s heart…will he play with yours..?’ Antoinette said. ‘That’s a song.. I like that’, Teresa said quickly. They were quiet then and Teresa then spoke suddenly again: ‘I’ve seen him in the theatre.. He never speaks to me..’ ‘He’s shy… he admires you from a distance… can you teach him..can you teach him to love..Teresa? ’, Antoinette said turning to Teresa. Teresa turned too and they faced each other and then Antoinette nudged at Teresa playfully below her breasts. Antoinette turned away then and said: ‘I must wash.. or something…I can’t think of men anyway…Is he looking at you..looking for you,..I’d just go to him…and ..’ Then Teresa said: ‘Maybe he really likes me..’ ‘Of course he does..he has a soft face..sorry Teresa…I’m playing with you..after work, see if he comes…or go to him..’ ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A few days after Teresa stood outside the theatre waiting for Anette who was still inside. In the still night, she suddenly saw the man in the distance. His face and demeanour seemed fresh and bright. She felt that he had not been in the audience that night. He had obviously walked down to the theatre, perhaps deliberately to meet her. He seemed to have seen her and she looked back instinctively for Anette. This was the night that it would all start, she felt. Then suddenly she felt afraid. It was an emotion that she couldn’t control and she realised that for the first time, she really felt fear. Perhaps it was the fear of this man and what he represented or symbolised i.e another social stratum. Why was he deigning to come down to her level? Later when she talked again to Antoinette about this period in her life, she remembered the fear she felt when she saw him approaching her. There was this man in front of her and Anette somewhere behind and all she felt was fear. In that moment as she looked away, she thought about the men in her life, men like Jackson and Lionel , men like the theatre manager and all those other men with their grubby hands who tried to touch her. Still they didn’t do it often because Teresa herself knew she wasn’t at all a bosomy voluptuous sort. And she felt sad and alone now. Yes at this moment as she, in a way, waited for him to approach her, she felt alone too. She felt sad in a way but she didn’t understand the origins of these feelings, this feeling of aloneness, then of sadness and then that fear. Yes this man belonged to another world. That was one of her first thoughts. Maybe he was middle class. He looked professional too, a young professional. He looked like a clerk or something. Perhaps he had a natural love for the world of the theatre and maybe the working class world but he still belonged to another world himself. Yes he belonged somewhere else. But the theatre itself in a way transcended social classes. Yes it was ironic that they met at the theatre because the theatre itself was a unique place for that reason : the reason that it transcended classes or social strata. But there was that fear too in her! It was the fear of something new with this man! She felt she mightn't belong to this man's world. But she wanted to. She just felt tied down to her own world, to this world of Jackson and others but they were tied down too! Still she felt that she was mired too in this world, a world where she got drunk and almost wasted a life but she couldn’t blame another human beings like Jackson and Antoinette for her predicament. She chose to be their friends. She chose to get drunk with them but she was comfortable with them too! She was comfortable with men like Jackson and Lionel too who were really outsiders in society. They had built their own society and she was comfortable in it. She knew no real fear from them and they didn’t expect anything from her. Then as she looked at this man, she noticed he had stopped walking. She tried to beckon him to come but there was that fear again. Fear again. Some kind of fear entering her heart and she wished that it wasn’t there. Yes fear, fear in her soul. Was it in her mind too ? She looked over at him. He was looking at her and in a way studying her. There was only this man and her and he himself was beckoning to her. She realised in a flash that she hadn’t actually beckoned him at all. She was just rooted to the spot. This fear again was in her and she felt unable to move her arms. Suddenly she thought that perhaps he wanted to proposition her and she walked to him. ‘Sir’ she said softly but directly. ‘What is your name?‘, he asked directly but he obviously made an effort to ask this question in a soft way. He was a young professional man and she remembered instinctively that she was still near her place of work. It was a source of relief that she could still act like the servant or worker to this man. He was the client still whether he frequented the theatre or otherwise. In the light she saw then his face more clearly. He was a naturally heavily built young man. He wouldn’t be considered handsome by the standards of the day but he obviously had a personality. She saw that in his eyes and overall bearing. She saw quickly too that he wasn’t really a shy man at all. She felt he had made a decision to approach her this evening and he had done this. Again she remembered that it was best to act like a servant or a worker in his presence, someone who was offering a service. For above all she had never been approached by a man from another background or social stratum before. There were no rules she could follow so she thought quickly how best to proceed. Yes it was best to act like the girl from the theatre who was offering some kind of service! He seemed to be looking at her but she didn’t know and there was that silence between them. Then she looked around without thinking. ‘You are alone?‘, she said turning back to him. In an instant she regretted saying this. She had no idea why she said this and only later did she realise that she had asked it because of some kind of memory of the woman who was sometimes with him. ‘Sorry, is there something wrong?, he asked. Instinctively she knew at this point that this man obviously was attracted to her in some way and that he wanted a proper relationship with her. They were like too dumbstruck lovers but she felt uncomfortable being in this role, this role of the admired woman. Yes here was a kind of equality too. This man was treating her as his equal. Yes maybe he liked her and love in it’s own way creates that equality between individuals. She thought of asking what he wanted but she knew instinctively in his eyes that he wanted love or something to do with that and she felt fear again. She didn’t know who he was yet. Was it right to pursue a relationship with someone like this? She didn’t know this man? She didn’t know where he came from? She, who had talked and drank with people like Jackson and Antoinette, felt a kind of fear in this man‘s presence. But perhaps she would have felt fear with any stranger whether from her own social stratum or not. Maybe she felt too because she hadn‘t been with a man for a long time. She felt as she looked quickly into his eyes that he wasn’t going to proposition her. She saw this. He didn’t want to bring her to his room or whatever that night. He wanted a relationship and she tried to follow up the conversation on this line. He looked at her and then she said quickly uttering the first thing that came into her mind: ‘You like the theatre, sir. I’ve seen you’, she said this quickly aware that there had been some silence. She thought again that there was something wrong with this question. Was she meant to have seen him? He looked at her and smiled. He said then: ‘Do you want to go for a walk now? I’d like to know you better, you know. I’ve seen you many times and I like you.’ ‘Of course’, she said without thinking, instinctively replying to his first question. Then she said quickly: ‘But some of my friends are waiting.’ He seemed confused and she looked back quickly in the direction of the theatre. Then she saw Anette beckoning her and shouting: ‘Teresa, are you alright?’ Teresa just looked back almost confused and in fear. Yes there was that fear in her again but now she felt more alone than ever. She didn’t answer and she saw the figure, that she knew was Anette, walking away. She continued to look back at the receding figure of Anette and was conscious of the man studying her. She turned again to the man. ‘Teresa, that is your name?’, he asked. ‘Yes that is right.‘ ‘I’d like to take you out..can we meet again…‘, he said then in an almost stilted way and she replied: ‘I’d like to…‘. Then she said: ‘But I have to meet friends now…will you call again to-morrow or we‘ll meet at the weekend..’ ‘Henry Denby's my name, yes. We‘ll meet again', he said immediately after this, not seeming to hear what she had said Teresa looked straight ahead of her as she said in the most gracious way she could: ‘Of course, that would be nice.’ Then he said: 'Call me Henry,' then she said quickly ' ‘My name's Teresa', she said automatically. She knew immediately of course that he knew her name already. It was that fear again. ‘Will we meet after you finished work and go for a drink, go to the coffee-shop.' ‘Yes’. He looked at her closely and seemed to be thinking whether he should kiss her but he put out his hand to take hers and he held her hand in his hand for a second as he said: ‘We‘ll meet to-morrow, Teresa'. Then he walked away. ----------------------------------------------------------------- Four years later when she sat with Antoinette, Teresa remembered the fear in that first meeting with Denby. She looked closely at Antoinette now and she saw that she had changed from all those years ago when she came to the theatre. She remembered her looking quickly around at the man who was watching them in the coffee house but she wasn’t as agile as then now. Still she had just met Antoinette weeks before. They had talked of Teresa’s marriage, the man that Antoinette had been living with and now they were talking of Denby again. Teresa looked across at Antoinette and said: ‘I was so lonely when I met him, Antoinette. He surprised me, you know. Sometimes I forget about those first meetings with Denby. You know I don’t think I thought clearly..Maybe some kind of love developed you know over time..and I think about that..but I’ve thought a lot about Jackson, that necklace..’. Then Teresa stopped and looked closely at Antoinette who seemed to consciously remain still, to consciously control the movement in her face. Teresa said quickly: ‘Don’t look at me like that.. It was like I abandoned everything to marry him..I did..I was so alone..but that first moment I saw him.. I felt confused you know…not frightened….I thought it was difficult to frighten me…but..I really felt fear..you know..the first time I met him’. ‘You never told us’, Antoinette said softly. ‘Us’ seemed to refer to herself and Anette who were Teresa’s closest confidantes at the time that Teresa met Denby. Then Antoinette said: ‘Hold my hand…you are afraid now?' ‘I’m not afraid..not now..I learnt to love him..he was the man I married.. I am roman catholic after all..oh that religion..’ ‘Alright you married..but it was an error’, Antoinette said. ‘Yes I made an error..’. Teresa was quiet as she tried to think of Denby. She said then: ‘But he was so calm.. so gentle sometimes..even on that first evening..he didn’t know what to say..but that’s what happens in those situations..my father wanted me to marry years earlier but I didn’t want it…I ran away.. sick ..so sick of that..Antoinette what am I going to do..marry again..’ ‘You want to marry..?’ ‘What about you?’ ‘To be honest..that’s it… I don’t think about it..neither do you..maybe living together all that..but the middle classes..there’s marriage for them..there’s my child too..the child I put in the orphanage…I miss her.’ They were quiet and then Antoinette asked: ‘Why did Denby marry you..?’ ‘He was attracted to me..was that it..I mean..no..he liked me..he liked me..of course.’ Teresa stopped and seemed to think. Then she continued: ‘Yes I think it was that and Aimee… that was the woman he was with…she was his cousin. maybe she just encouraged him..of course after a while..I realised he wanted to free himself from her.. You know.. more freedom..He introduced me to his friends too but we never went out with them..so we were alone..and that was a tragedy..because I felt sorry..pity for him and Aimee after a while left us..I felt so alone in the countryside…I wanted to come back…it didn’t feel right..living in the country away from everything.’ This was Teresa remembering the first meetings with Denby four years later. Still she didn’t mention that the fear that she felt as she stood with Denby outside the theatre faded but then manifested itself again in the country. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The following day after Teresa’s first meeting with Denby, Teresa talked to Anette outside the theatre. Anette said in an offhand way: ‘I think he’s a real admirer. You should pursue him. There’s a chance’. Yes Teresa thought to herself: This is a chance …but this is life. It’s natural that someone like Denby could love you. We meet in a theatre. He obviously likes this world. He likes me..not as a mistress…really ..really..as a woman.. So the fear that Teresa felt on that first night went away and it was replaced by hope, a strange kind of drive, a kind of aspiration, a need to be confident. Maybe she suddenly saw more clearly the life she could lead with a man like Denby as she imagined Denby with the clothes he wore, the way he behaved. The following night, they sat in a coffee-shop and he talked about his job as a clerk. He told her then that the woman she saw him with was his cousin. She understood that he came from a different world to her. He had different aspirations. Above all as they talked, she was aware they could be comfortable together. They were comfortable in their silence. He didn’t expressly ask her about her work and here began a relationship where they could be silent together. One night, he introduced Teresa to Aimee. It was then that Teresa saw two individuals rather than one individual. She had felt they were always together. She had seen them in the coffee-house and then the theatre together but now they were two distinct people. She had thought that something strange, maybe a kind of blood relationship tied them together so that it was difficult to break them up. You had to take one with the other but she saw then that yes they were both individuals. Denby was his own man as they say and Aimee was her own woman. Maybe it was a middle-class thing for cousins to protect each other in this way. She saw then Aimee’s drive to be a kind of artist and years later it was perhaps the remembrance of Aimee which propelled Teresa into pursuing a relationship with a penniless artist when she felt and knew that her marriage with Denby was failing. Yes Aimee told Teresa about a certain school of Art called the Pre-Raphaelites. She mentioned the new artists with their penchant for Greek and Roman culture. Aimee was certainly not snobbish. Aimme was learning too about art and she was sharing her journey with Teresa and Denby ,and for this willingness to share, Teresa was grateful. She felt Aimee never looked down on her but why would Aimee or even Denby look down on her? Denby obviously liked her and she learnt quickly that he liked her as an equal and so did Aimee. And what she learnt the first tme she met Aimee and Denby together was they were both outsiders in a strange way. Teresa had always thought of herself as an outsider but now she saw that Denby and Aimee were kinds of outsiders. Aimee was an outsider because of her obvious drive to understand art and Denby had a certain sensitivity to him which could make one an outsider. After this meeting, Denby and Teresa first sat together on the couch. They kissed and Teresa felt in his touch that he could protect her as a man could a woman. No physical intimacy happened but Teresa felt that it was only a matter of time. They were obviously drawn to each other. They fell into each other, you might say. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- It was quiet , a soothing summer evening, when Denby and Teresa sat together in Aimee’s rooms. Teresa felt that Aimee’s father or someone had paid for all this. Still it wasn’t too elegant and there was an obvious simplicity to the room that the three sat in. And there were paintings on the wall and above all the whole atmosphere was fresh and strangely new to Teresa. There was an elegance and freshness in this salon that they sat in. As Teresa sat beside Denby, she thought vaguely: Aimee goes to the theatre to see another world…she can see another world..her mind is so fresh..she can understand and all…I wish I could understand..the theatre..art..and all instead of walking and living as if through mud..I can’t see…’ Teresa felt Aimee’s gaze on her. She looked up at Aimee: Aimee had that long angular silhouette. Then Teresa thought of saying she looked like a model in one of those paintings but she felt that her words would sound stupid and of course, if Aimee asked her to explain, she would not be able to. Yes Aimee had a certain angular silhouette but still she had a certain voluptuousness too. Maybe this was contradictory but she could imagine Aimee filling out and putting on weight and this would suit her. Or perhaps Aimee would try to retain that angular silhouette. There was her tallness too but Aimee wasn’t obviously tall. She was the same height as Denby and Teresa herself was much shorter than both of them. Yes Aimee’s silhouette was an artist’s silhouette for this new age . She hadn’t the full ideal breasts of past artists beauties but she had a face that you could study. Yes a woman’s face that another woman or man could study. Perhaps she was the first woman who Teresa really looked into and where Teresa saw a woman’s beauty shining there. Teresa knew that she wasn’t meant to think of a woman’s beauty or to study beauty in this way. It was not the way she was brought up. Still in this new setting, it was Aimee’s charm and elegance which filled the room and Denby like Teresa didn’t seem to really belong there. Teresa had been invited to Aimee’s rooms by both Aimee and Denby. Denby had his own rooms where he lived and she had been in them but Aimee’s rooms were more elegant and clean. There were some paintings too and she felt that this was the place where Denby himself talked to his friends. Yes he would bring them here to Aimee’s rooms and Aimee wouldn’t mind. This was a kind of centre of Aimee’s and Denby’s social world. Aimee had just said she was leaving soon to meet friends but Denby and Teresa could stay. Yes there was an easy charm and obvious elegance about Aimee. Yes such charm, such sophistication in all this! This could be a real drama and it was a drama that Teresa felt willing to act a part. Especially now that she had seen these rooms with their elegance and that certain style which Teresa knew Aimee gave to the rooms. Teresa glanced up at Aimee who was standing above them. Teresa was sitting beside Denby on the settee. She thought to herself that this was the first time they were like a couple. Yes they were comfortable beside each other but as she thought about this, she felt afraid. Yes the thought and realization of being beside Denby bothered her. Denby had asked her to meet him near Aimee’s rooms and they had walked here. It was the first time that she felt like a lover or mistress and then there was the new figure of Aimee. Here was a new person, figure that would give something like flesh and solidity to Denby’s world. Teresa knew of his work in his office but she didn’t really know about Aimee. Teresa knew that she was his cousin and they were close but now she felt that Aimee was like a mother, a wife because she cooked for him. As Teresa sat beside Denby on the couch, she became conscious suddenly of the boots beneath her long skirt. She sat forward without thinking as Aimee asked her suddenly: ‘Do you like art..you work in the theatre..Teresa?’ ‘I like art…the theatre..’ Teresa sad looking up at the figure of Aimee standing at the mantle-piece. She felt herself repeating Aimee’s words and she felt then that fear again. Hours spent with Denby had got rid of the fear but now she felt it again sitting here. The images of hours spent in the public house..even the theatre flashed before her…and then the manager groping some of the girls…’ Then she heard Aimee ask: ‘You’ve been to the countryside, Teresa…?’ ‘When I was young once… my family sent me down…but actually I hardly remember it..’, Teresa said. For a second there was silence and Aimee said: ‘We’re like brother and sister, Teresa, Henry and I. I can call you Teresa can’t I? ‘Of course’. Teresa tried to smile and she was conscious of Aimee’s small gestures. There was meaning everywhere, but it was because her body was so angular. Still there was a certain fullness and fleshiness in her body and face which could appeal to men and her slender frame, that appeals, Teresa thought to herself. And she had soft auburn hair over her shoulders. Teresa thought of her own gestures. Even though she was smaller than Aimee, she felt more clumsy than her. Even now she felt ungainly in her clothes. Maybe it was the clothes that made her clumsy..but her gestures too....She was conscious of her body. Yes she hadn’t the body of Aimee, who was taller but Aimee had an artist’s model frame. Still there was an elegance in Aimee’s gesturing and movement which attracted Teresa and when Teresa later married Denby, it was from Aimee that she herself learned how to be a mistress of a household.. Yes Teresa always felt she was an actress ready to incorporate new gestures into her self, into the way she behaved. She looked up at Aimee and then thought of her hands. She still had her gloves on but she felt that it was acceptable to retain one’s gloves and she knew too that her hands weren’t as soft as Aimee’s hands. Yes Aimee’s hands were really hands, with the form and structure of what hands were meant to be. Teresa felt her own hands were so ugly and ungainly. ‘Don’t be scared of us..You’re not scared of me, are you Teresa, is she Henry?, Aimee asked. Aimee was standing at the mantle piece. She seemed to be performing ,acting up there but it was a performance that Teresa wanted to look at. Then Aimee smiled at Teresa in a playful way. It was to accent the fact that what she just asked had nothing to do with social stratum. She would have asked this of any woman with Denby whether of the same social stratum or not, who was just being shy and quiet. Then Denby said: ‘Of course not, are you Teresa?’ And Teresa echoed: ‘Of course not.’ Aimee said: ‘I know that Teresa. You’re like a spark. You are in the theatre and you can‘t be afraid..of anything..did you act?’ Teresa said quickly: ‘Yes I have acted…I want to go on stage again’, she looked directly at Aimee and Aimee seemed to be trying to understand something. In her mind, Teresa wasn’t at all thinking of the stage in terms of Bernhardt but rather burlesque, singing and some acting. Then Aimee said: ‘Yes I love the theatre and I love it because of its excitement..the new architects have made theatre into a new form of art..perhaps..’ Teresa said quickly: ‘What do you mean?’ Aimee seemed to think: ‘You mean about a form of art..?’
Copyright © 2008 Joel Ficelle |