The Diary Of Walter Chan Part Two (2)
14 AUGUST I enjoyed working in London so much. This is why I told my mother not to worry my life here in England this morning when I spoke to her on the phone. She told me that Arthur has been trying to get in touch with me. What does he want? Perhaps I should give him a call tomorrow. I had a smooth day at work. My articles will be out tomorrow and I am a bit anxious. Tina told me this afternoon not to think about it too much. She said that we wouldn't know the public response until next week. 16 AUGUST I called Arthur this afternoon before I left work. I woke him up. Obviously he is still with his new boy friend, as I could hear in the background someone was asking him who called at twelve o'clock midnight. Directly I asked him what the matter was regarding to get in touch with me. He simply said that he cared for me and would like know what I had been up to. I just replied "Cut the shit, what do you care?" We didn't say much to each other. I only told him that I am doing fine in London, with a new job, with William, and with some new friends. So this is it. Four and a half years. This is the end of our story. By the way I had a lovely evening with Hans last night. We kissed. We cuddled. We were a bit drunk. We did not have sex. I arrived home last night at one thirty in the morning and William was still up, greeting me with only two words - dirty bitch. 18 AUGUST Having sex with Stephen once a week seems like a routine. He came at around six, and since William and Larry were still at work, we just started kissing in the living room, and then he took me to the kitchen to continue. It was amazing. He stayed for dinner with me and William, but because he had a night shift he had to leave at ten. So I pour out my inner feelings to William tonight. He advises me to take all these guys slowly. I agree. 20 AUGUST I admit it. I am not innocent. I am playing dangerous games. But I am not a slut. I spent the whole afternoon with Hans and we went to the National Gallery, then we went shopping in Camden Town. We bought a lot of stuff, and Hans bought me a silver ring. I felt strange at that moment when he gave me the ring. I took it. I am still wearing it. I went back to his flat and he cooked delicious Italian pasta for me. I could feel his care. I could feel his emotions. I could not control my feelings. I had sex with Hans this evening. There is no reason I should stop. Stephen is not my boy friend. We have not yet talked about commitment. I still have the right to choose. Life is about choice. I need to experiment with different people so as to find out what I really need in my life. I told William what I did with Hans tonight. He listened. He did not advise this time. I then asked him "Stephen or Hans?" He only said that it was my choice. To be honest I can't handle two guys at the same time. So I will have to make a choice soon. 22 AUGUST I had a long discussion with Stephen tonight. We both agree to take a step further regarding our relationship. We have not spoken about commitment yet, but I could feel that he doesn't like me going out with Hans. He is in the shower at the moment, and he will stay with me tonight. I always sleep peacefully when he is next to me. 23 AUGUST I had a wonderful day at work. Tina informed me that the article on Streetcar received positive responses from some readers. I took this as the driving force for my work in the future. I received a phone call from Hans this afternoon asking me if I could meet up for dinner at his place tonight. I went. There was so much I would like to say to Hans. Unfortunately, there was not a good chance for me, and before I knew what to utter, we were kissing already. I really don't know what to do with my love life. Sex with Hans tonight was wonderful. I have to make a choice by the end of this week. Can anyone tell me who I should stick to? Hans? Stephen? Or simply alone? 25 AUGUST I think I would choose Hans. I cannot give any reason. My heart feels like to be with Hans. I stayed at his flat last night. We talked until four in the morning. So don't ask me how I could manage work today. After all it's Friday, and I have already finished all my articles yesterday afternoon. Hans told me that he felt comfortable whenever he was with me. I have not told him anything about Stephen. In fact he still doesn't know the existence of Stephen. I suppose that he does not need to know too much of my current private life. As long as I have strong feelings for him at the moment, it's enough to develop something meaningful. William however thinks differently. He explains to me that in my heart I still do not know if Hans is the right person to start a relationship. From his viewpoint, he thinks that I should not hurry myself to jump into another relationship, and that I should enjoy life more to be alone. Maybe he is right. But I really need to make a decision between these two men. It is too exhausting to date two men at the same time. It's not my character. 28 AUGUST I lied. I told Hans this afternoon when we had lunch that I would like to be single for the time being. He was depressed after hearing this. It went worse when I told him that I needed time for myself, and that I prefer to stop seeing him for a short period of time. Before we said goodbye, Hans was gentle to me that he said he would respect my decision, and he would like to hear from me when I feel ready. Why do people treat me so kind? I don't deserve Hans's kindness. I spent the entire weekend with Stephen. For the past two days and nights he gave me the impression and the feeling that he cared for me much more than I realised. He never asked me to stop doing anything I wanted to do. He was not jealous of Hans. He did not question what I have been doing in my private life unless I wanted to share with him. He listened to me attentively. What more can I ask for from a guy like Stephen? He doesn't want to push me. He wants to take our relationship step by step. When I slept next to him the last two nights, I felt protected. I felt warm. William is actually glad to see us to get along so well. He tells me that he is amazed by what I can do to Stephen. He hasn't seen Stephen so cheerful for a long time. My appearance in London is like magic to Stephen, he says. 31 AUGUST I have never skim read so many books in my life. For the past two weeks, I have read at least ten new novels, and the names of some authors are totally unfamiliar. I can't even remember who they are now. Is it a sign that I am not fit for this job? Work is getting very heavy. Everyday I write so much to meet the deadline. It's a lot of pressure, but I really enjoy this job. First it keeps me occupied. Second it takes away my thoughts of Arthur. Yes I sometimes still think about him although it's been almost two months since we separated. I simply cannot take him out of my mind after what we had done and shared for the past four and a half years. Third, the job leaves me no time to consider my relationship with either Stephen or Hans. In fact I have not been in touch with Hans since I had lunch with him on Monday, and he did not call either. I spent last night with the policeman at his flat. It is convenient. Stephen just lives in the next street from William's. What happened was that William and Larry had to go to Manchester to visit the parents, and I think William told Stephen about this. Otherwise he would not have knocked on the door last night at around six thirty to invite me to his place for dinner and a glass of red wine. And of course I drank more than a glass. I think I am becoming an alcoholic. The dinner was delicious. I have not had roast beef and Yorkshire pudding for a long time. I cannot believe that he cooks. Again sex with Stephen was magical, especially when I felt tipsy. Stephen's taste in interior design is good. I was impressed with the way he decorated his flat. I thought that a butch guy like him with a profession in the Police Department would be quite messy. It is a tidy flat. Simple deco and no junk ornaments which collect dust. He has a four poster bed! 03 SEPTEMBER What a Sunday! Too many truths to handle. Too much reality to face. Too confused to write anything. Am I making sense at the moment? I went downtown with William this afternoon. Just when we got out of Oxford Circus window shopping along Oxford Road, I bumped into Hans outside Boots, smiling, walking and talking intimately with a guy. We both felt embarrassed at that split second. He introduced him to me as his Boy Friend. Name, I cannot remember, honestly. Only a week! I am not jealous. I have no right to interfere with his personal life. I felt uneasy. I don't know why I had that feeling. William is right. We have no serious commitment to each other. Hans still has the right to choose. If I did not give him any positive signs, then he would have to look for another person somewhere else. This is gay life. This is not shocking comparing to what I saw four hours later. On our way back home, William and I bumped into Stephen in Earls Court. He was walking into the tube station when William and I just walked out. His right hand was on the shoulder of another guy! To me they looked intimate. To William it was a friendly gesture. I think he was trying to calm my nerves. I was very jealous. We only said hi. He did not even introduce. What's that supposed to mean? What is going on between the two of us? I spoke to William until one o'clock in the morning. He reassures me that Stephen is not that kind of person. He is sure that they are not an item. Well I am not sure. Seeing is believing. I saw intimacy. I saw no embarrassment in his eyes. No. I shouldn't think about this. I have work tomorrow. I must put all my energy on my work. Men? They are all dishonest and unreliable. But then Stephen and I have no commitment to each other anyway, so I guess he has the right to choose whoever he feels comfortable with. I could be only an experiment, like the way I treated Hans. William is once again correct when he says to me "What comes round goes around." I deserve to suffer. I want to be single. 04 SEPTEMBER I like work. It keeps me busy. I have not thought about Stephen all day until now. Of course the bed is too big without him. It's natural that I think about him now. I had an enjoyable day at work. Tina is very impressed with my productivity. She said she was glad to employ me. She said she would have to thank William for recommending me to her. So I suggested dinner on Wednesday night. I received a letter from a woman this morning. She praised my critical evaluation on Possessions. I simply write in the article that there is so much for us to search for in terms of knowledge, whether it is to do with life, family, friendship, love or relationship. I sum up my points by saying that all we know in our lives is not exactly all that is to be known in the whole world. I am happy that someone actually reads what I write. I think I will make a personal reply to her when I have time. Why did Stephen not phone me? Why did he not come to visit William tonight? 05 SEPTEMBER I stayed at home alone tonight. William and Larry went out for a drink. I didn't feel like going out. I think I miss the sight of Stephen. I want to know what he is up to. Am I love sick already? Walter, you can live without men. Walter, you can have a good life without a boy friend. Walter, you will find someone who deserves you. 06 SEPTEMBER I got a phone call in the office when I was about to leave with Tina to meet up with William for dinner tonight. It was George from Hong Kong. He told me that he just had a drink with Arthur, and my ex told him that he finished with his new boy friend. I said to George, "So?" According to George, Arthur seems to miss me a lot and he would like to get back together with me. Arthur was probably drunk when he talked to George. I certainly am not going back to Hong Kong just because of this. I have a challenging job in London. I have William and other friends in London. I have a new life in London. Things have changed. It's not because I don't feel anything for Arthur anymore. The situation is simply different. When the day he decided to break up the relationship, life constantly moves on. And now our lives are totally different. It's got nothing to do with Stephen, although I miss the sight of him since Sunday. At the moment I cannot give Arthur another chance. It would be wrong to give up what I have in London now to return to Hong Kong, and start again. Actually I didn't feel bad at all after talking to George. It's just life. In the end I said to George that at the moment it's impossible for us to be lovers again. Maybe a year later, or two, or three, we would have the opportunity to begin again. Who knows? Nobody can tell the future. This is why I enjoyed dinner so much with Tina and William. I mentioned this to both of them. They didn't give any of their opinion. They listened to what I pointed out. Before we left the restaurant, Tina only said to me that it would be a great loss to the office if I decide to resign. I made it so clear to her that I definitely am not giving up what I have now for the person who hurt me so much. 07 SEPTEMBER I cannot believe what Stephen did this morning. He came to my office with a yellow rose! All my colleagues were amazed. I was totally embarrassed. He said he would pick me up from work this afternoon and then we would go for Happy Hours. I was astonished to see him in fact. I thought what on earth is he doing? We went to Old Compton Street and sat in a quiet corner at Village. Apart from telling each other what we have been up to with work and life in general, we did not say much. He then invited me to have dinner at his flat. I accepted. During dinner we were both fairly quiet. Altogether we have not spoken more than ten sentences. The longest one was his question: "Would you like more salt and pepper with your meal?" I took up my courage after two glasses of red wine. I asked him why he came to my office this morning with a flower. Once it's started, he spoke non-stop. He is not sure where we are heading to. He does not know what the future brings for the two of us. He wants to see me more. He misses me. He is jealous of me seeing Hans. He would like to take a bigger step in terms of our relationship. He thinks my appearance in London is like magic to his life. I did not make any reply. I held his hands. I kissed him. I held his body tight. I wept. I didn't know what to say. I could only say to him that he knows the answers already. He smiled. He poured me another glass of wine. I did not ask about Sunday afternoon. I think that I don't need to know. If he wanted to talk about it, he would tell me. It's unimportant now. He wanted me to stay in his flat, but I said I couldn't because I still had work to do at home. I told him to go to William's tomorrow so that we can have dinner together, and then we can make love. He smiled. His blue eyes can kill my soul. 10 SEPTEMBER I am in love. I guess. I fancy myself in love. William remarks this evening "Tell me when you know you are in love." I think he was sick of me mentioning the name of Stephen every five minutes while we did the preparation for the party this evening. He even shouted at me when I tried to put cling films on two plates of crisps. I just wanted to keep them fresh and crisp. We had a lovely party tonight. I had so much fun with William, Larry, Tina, the gay neighbours and other friends from William's office. Stephen had to work tonight. So he could not come. I don't really miss him tonight. I think our relationship allows so much freedom to each other that as long as we are faithful and we trust each other, it's going to be a meaningful one. Although we don't know what the future brings, we cherish every moment when we are together. 24 SEPTEMBER "Where is your home now?" William asked me this afternoon as a joke. I can't even remember how many nights I have slept at Stephen's for the past two weeks. My life is so busy in London. Well the job occupies most of my time from Mondays to Fridays, and then the weekend is spent with Stephen. I went shopping with William twice. Most of the nights however I stay at Stephen's flat, and William sometimes comes to stay with us. I ask William again if it is inconvenient for me to live in his flat. He told me not to be silly. He told me not to mention this again. For as long as I like, I can live with him forever. Why is he not my boy friend? Sometimes I have the feeling that Larry does not deserve to have a boy friend like William. I will have a busy week with work. I just received another fifteen new novels on Friday. Tina wanted me to finish them as quickly as I could so as to write some reviews. I think I am beginning to see the equations of all these novels. I mean the rules of how these new authors create their works. Maybe I can write something like the pattern of novels about love and relationship. 30 SEPTEMBER I really don't know what the future is like with Stephen. Can Cupid divulge a hint or two? I still have a lot of questions regarding our relationship. I think the honeymoon period for the two of us is gone. Now we will have to face the most difficult part of relationship. The deep understanding of each other's personality. I guess if we can overcome this minor problem, we can go together a step further. So far he has no complaint about me, and I find nothing I don't like about him. Does it sound too perfect? I am scared of committing myself too much. Maybe the nightmare of Arthur is not completely gone from my mind. I know for a fact that my relationship with Stephen now is not a rebound. I like him very much. I like to be with him. I trust his affection. I believe in what he tells me. I enjoy sharing my life with him. I have only known him for two months since I moved back to London. I feel that things just happen too fast. I would like to get to know Stephen's personality more. Well, time will tell. I have learnt from my separation with Arthur that there is no guarantee for love and relationship. Promises do not necessarily mean a life time. Actually it's kind of fun not to know the future. Walter, just enjoy what you have now regarding work, friends and being loved. 03 OCTOBER Totally out of the blue, I received a phone call from Arthur at seven this evening which means it was two o'clock after midnight in Hong Kong. I have no idea whatsoever where he obtained the telephone number of William. When I picked up the phone and heard his voice, I was astonished. He sounded drunk. He begged me to give him my London address so that he could come to see me. I simply told him that it would not be a good idea. I also told him that I am dating Stephen. Life goes on. Even if I am single now, I still don't want to get back together. I did want to in the first two weeks after our separation, thinking that there was something we both could do in order to solve the problems. I kept calling him to rebuild our relationship based on trust and honesty. He did not want to at that time. Now it's too late. I have a new life in London. I have a new job. I have William and Stephen. Things have changed. The moment he decided to finish our relationship was the moment our lives began to differ. The moment he chose to be with his new boy friend instead of with me was the moment we started to move on. I told him that perhaps in the future there would be a chance for us to meet again and develop something together providing that the timing is right. Yet now, I want to keep things the way they are in London. 07 OCTOBER I talked about commitment with Stephen last night when I stayed in his flat. He liked the idea. We both agree to give each other personal space to enjoy life. We agree not to have any sexual contact with anyone as long as we are labelled a couple. I also suggest that because of my heavy work he should stay with me in William's flat more often instead of me going to his flat all the time. He agrees. I told William that Stephen and I have gone a big step further. He is so glad to hear this. He also stopped me from mentioning about finding a new flat for myself before I wanted to bring up the subject. He tells me again and again that he likes Stephen very much and he doesn't mind him staying overnight with me most of the nights. All I can say to him is that I would contribute more money towards the gas and electricity bills. 28 OCTOBER I simply cannot believe what I have now in London. A rewarding job with friendly colleagues. A warm home with William and Larry. A bunch of new friends I met through William. Most of all, I have a gorgeous boy friend Stephen. Life is so strange. I don't know what is going to happen regarding the relationship with Stephen. One thing is certain, we love each other. We value what we have to share. We care for each other. We accept who we are. The future is bright. Even if it does not work out with Stephen at the end, it is not a big deal to me. Nothing is the end of the world. I cannot tell the future. I enjoy life now.
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