Dreamwalk (4)
JOEL
But dont leave just yet.
PACO
I'm wasn't leaving.
JOEL
Have a little something to eat first.
There's a spread of deli take out.
PACO
Dont you get tired of this?
JOEL
Like the Chinese say: There are
five great cuisines, Cantonese,
Mandarin, Peking, Shanghai and
New York Deli.
Joel takes a bite of a corned beef sandwich,
makes a face, opens the bread, removes a
human ear drops it gingerly in the waste
basket and goes back to eating.
PACO
Right.
JOEL
Anyway, you're losing a kidney
but gaining a friend. Your
brother owes you now.
PACO
That's for sure.
JOEL
He has to look out for you. A perp
gets busted in his precinct, a cop
sticks your card in his pocket and
says this is your lawyer.
PACO
Right.
JOEL
You'll be a rich man. You can
buy back a kidney. You'll be
able to afford a new kidney
every 6 months. All different
colors.
PACO
I gave him AIDS.
JOEL
Who?
PACO
Captain Jesus.
There's a knock on the door, guns appear
and THE 2ND MURDERER enters.
2ND
Councillor, I'm glad I found
you here.
PACO
How did you find me?
2ND
Your secretary told me.
PACO
I dont have a secretary.
2ND
There was this woman in your office.
PACO
Oh, her. Yeah, what is it?
2ND
Yeah. Well, no. I figured I got
all the way to Mott Street that
I come back to tell you because
I like you.
PACO
I appreciate that.
2ND
They're waiting for you outside.
PACO
They?
2ND
Captain Jesus and associates, he axe me if you were still there
and I said sure go on up and he
said: No, he'd wait. Well, I
didn't know.
PACO
It could happen to anyone.
2ND
So, I figured I tell you. I owe
it to you because I like you.
PACO
Thank you.
2ND
So, I think, maybe, I want
my $250 back.
PACO
I'm out of bright dialogue.
2ND
That's fine, but I want
my $250 back.
PACO
No.
2ND
Look, I just did you a solid at
considerable risk and I want my
$250 back.
Paco pulls out the meat thermometer. It's
a spike, thin as a bicycle spoke, with a
dial thermometer stuck on one end. It fits
into a plastic tube like a ball point pen.
Paco sticks it through the 2nd murderer's
eye, deep into his brain. The thermometer
reads 98.6.
The 2nd murderer is in a zombie-like
stupor. Jerkily, He turns and walks
to a door. He opens it and walks out.
The thermometer reads 95 and falling.
JOEL
That was the closet.
PACO
That's also true.
CUT TO:
EXT. STREET (BLUSTERY)
Jesse and henchmen, Tirso, Lope and Jorge,
standing around and waiting.
TIRSO
It's cold out here. How long
you want to wait?
JESSE
Long as it takes.
TIRSO
Let's go in and get him.
What's the big deal?
JESSE
You ever do any house to house
fighting?, it's a good way to
get killed. We wait.
Jorge comes up carrying 4 containers of
coffee on a cardboard tray. He holds
out a cup, but Jesse shakes his head.
JORGE
Cafe con leche, the way you like
it, from the Cuban Chinese.
JESSE
My kidneys, kidney, wont handle it.
Jorge shrugs then drinks the coffee himself.
He goes into convulsions and falls over dead.
TIRSO
I think we got a problem.
CUT TO:
INT. JOEL’S OFFICE
Someone is climbing down from the floor above.
His feet rest on the outside window ledge.
Paco grabs his ankles, pulls him loose and
shoves him out into space. He falls without
a sound.
JOEL
In the movies they always scream.
PACO
Was ist der Realitie?
JOEL
I got a feeling you're about to find
out. Nothing slows you down, does it?,
you'll sit up in your coffin to make
one more smart ass remark.
PACO
I'm sitting up in my coffin right now.
JOEL
Like, for example.
The radio is on to something loony like BAI.
It's playing dance music from the time of
Pretorius.
Joel and Paco get up and start dancing a
stately minuet, talking continually.
The music changes to some forgotten show
tune and, suddenly, they are backed up by
a DANCING CHORUS OF FEMALE INMATES:
A kinkier version of the dance number
in HIGH HEELS by Almodovar.
It all lasts until Paco's line "He's here",
then they sit down and look disgusted with
themselves and each other and the chorus
line vanishes.
PACO
Writing History usually does come
down to telling stories because
otherwise it's unreadable. The only
difference is style. If it's boring
enough, you think it's real.
JOEL
Is it real?
PACO
Yeah, fear is boring too.
JOEL
So, how'd you get AIDS?,
I missed that part.
PACO
The usual way.
JOEL
How was it?
PACO
I thought it would be better.
There was this girl. Her last
lover had sodomized her and she
felt humiliated by that. The
experience haunted her.
The 3rd time I heard the story I
figured something had to be done
so, I told her: I dont know the
answer, but I have a solution:
I'll get you a strap on dildo
and you can sodomize me. So, we
did. It wasn't that bad and it
drove her crazy which was kind
of cute.
The next morning, she called me:
"How are you?" I'm fine. "Any
regrets?" This time I did know
the answer: Oh, no, after...after
everything I will love you always.
JOEL
You caught AIDS from a dildo?
PACO
That was last time.
JOEL
And you gave it to your brother?
and he's coming here? Jesus,
call him Jesse, it makes him
happy. He's coming here?
PACO
He's here.
JOEL
I think maybe you should
take this somewhere else.
PACO
You already know too much to
live, why dont you relax?
JOEL
You're going to kill me
aren't you?
PACO
No, I'm going to kill Jesse and
frame the robber girl for his
murder.
JOEL
How do you do that?
PACO
I cant unless they're both
here at the same time so,
I just have to wait.
JOEL
I'm glad you told me.
PACO
Why, was it supposed to be
a secret? It was obvious as
soon as you said, no one's
going to listen to anything
she has to say.
JOEL
You kill him, what about
the rest of us?
PACO
You have to back up my story.
In return, I pay you whatever
is appropriate.
JOEL
What if it isn't appropriate?
PACO
Then I have to kill all of you.
You understand, it's nothing
personal.
JOEL
Nothing personal? If it's
nothing personal, shoot
someone else, you asshole!
PACO
You're being unreasonable.
JOEL
I dont want to shoot you.
PACO
Shoot me?, you couldn't get
a parking ticket fixed.
The phone rings. Joel answers it.
JOEL
We-Never-Sleep-Bailbond-Agency,
we'll have you back on the street
in 5 minutes. Yeah, he's here...
Give me a five minute head start,
I'd give a dog that much.
He hangs up.
JOEL
Well, I'm leaving. I'm closing
up the office.
PACO
You cant, you're waiting for Murray.
JOEL
Right.
PACO
What time does he get here?
JOEL
He's always late.
PACO
He's never late.
JOEL
It feels like he's always late.
PACO
You ought to pay more attention
to the ways in which you're being
humiliated. You complain about
things that dont exist you begin
to think it's all in your head.
JOEL
I think that did it.
They draw their guns simultaneously. A DOMINATRIX
walks in. She's wearing spiky red boots, top hat
and a red patent leather riding habit.
She carries a gigantic riding crop and drags
a wheeled hobby horse on a rhinestone leash.
She's come for a bail bond. The transaction
is completed without a word. She leaves, they
re-holster their guns and sit down exhausted.
JOEL
Was ist der Realitie?
Lobsters crawl out from under the desk.
Joel sprays them with a can of Raid.
At this point, the door is kicked in.
They draw their guns simultaneously.
Murray and Willis enter with the girl
in handcuffs. She's wearing a T-shirt
that says: WHEN YOU SEE TRASH, PICK IT UP.
No one is glad to see Paco.
MURRAY
When do we leave?
JOEL
As soon as Eldon shows up
to get paid.
MURRAY
Alright, who wants to play
some gin, you?
GIRL
I'll play.
MURRAY
You got any money?
GIRL
No.
MURRAY
Forget it, nothing on credit here.
Murray and Joel sit down to play.
WILLIS
I'll advise.
GIRL
Can we take these things off
now, please?
MURRAY
Sure, Honey.
He unlocks the handcuffs.
JOEL
Captain Jesus has a contract out
on him and they know he's here.
MURRAY
Is that true?
PACO
Well, yes.
MURRAY
He's not going to walk in on
4 armed men.
CUT TO:
EXT. SHOOTING GALLEY
NAKED WOMEN RUN BY WEARING JFK MASKS.
Murray has a street sweeper shotgun
and blasts them one by one. As each
of them is hit, her head disappears
(simple matte work) and the body falls
over stiff as a broom.
CUT TO:
INT. POLICE COMBAT RANGE (BRIGHT)
This one has pop up targets, all of them
FASHIONABLE WOMEN. Murray blows them away
in sequence until the last: A SCOWLING OLD
WOMAN WITH HER HANDS CROSSED ON HER CHEST.
MURRAY
Mother!
CUT TO:
INT. JOEL’S OFFICE
Murray pulls out a S&W combat magnum and yo-yo's
the cylinder in the B-movie manner.
PACO
You ought to stop that George
Raft shit, you're going to
throw the cylinder out of
alignment.
MURRAY
I dont like you.
PACO
So what?
MURRAY
Yeah.
JOEL
So he rolls a grenade in
through the door.
PACO
Is that the worst thing you
can think of? Maybe, he'll
kidnap, castrate you and sell
you into the Sultan's harem.
JOEL
That doesn't sound so bad.
WILLIS
It's hard to tell when you
two are serious.
JOEL
Serious?, Death Wish here is
going to get us all killed.
WILLIS
You really shouldn't fall
all over yourself trying
to sell him out.
JOEL
Hey, Honey, you want a lawyer,
there's a good one.
GIRL
You a lawyer?
PACO
Yeah, what do they have you on?
GIRL
I'll talk to you in private.
PACO
Murray, can I talk to this girl
outside for a minute?
MURRAY
Cant do it, councilor,
really, I cant.
PACO
I turned on the radio, alright?
MURRAY
You understand, councilor.
PACO
Yeah, yeah.
GIRL
I cant escape any easier
with the music.
MURRAY
What?
GIRL
I said, I cant...
MURRAY
Honey, you're going to be
laughing with teeth jangling
in a minute.
GIRL
What?
PACO
That's alright, dont pay
any attention.
MURRAY
Yeah.
JOEL
Pick that card up or
put it down.
MURRAY
Look, if you really want,
we can take you straight
to the joint.
GIRL
Nobody wants to go straight
to the joint.
MURRAY
So, we'll take the whole
night we'll lay some bread
on you and it will be alright,
alright?
GIRL
I guess.
Paco and the girl huddle. TWO WOMEN AND
A MAN out of 3 PENNY OPERA come in for a
bail bond. Willis handles it.
WILLIS
Murray, these people
want a receipt.
MURRAY
How many times I told you?
He works at one of those high
class places on St. Nicholas
Ave. where they give receipts.
Here we dont give receipts.
And the we collect it again.
And then we go to the hospital.
And then we when we get out
we leave town. Where's that
receipt book.
He makes one out.
MAN
Well, okay.
MURRAY
Thank you, come back
again soon.
MAN
Yeah. See you, man.
Thank you.
They leave.
WILLIS
10 People like that and you
can retire.
The girl whispers to Murray.
MURRAY
We want to go to the bathroom.
Joel throws him the key.
WILLIS
Be sure to get adjoining seats.
They leave.
JOEL
Any chance of getting her off?
PACO
1000 to 1.
JOEL
For or against?
PACO
Against.
JOEL
She sign anything?
PACO
Everything. They've got signed
statements and video tapes and
everything they need.
JOEL
She can repudiate her confession.
WILLIS
Except that, in her confession she
said a lot more than she was asked.
Enough to establish her presence at
the crime and that's evidence no
matter what she says after.
JOEL
Dont they have any more sense?
WILLIS
No, as a matter of fact, they
dont have any more sense.
PACO
Shut up and deal.
WILLIS
When are you leaving?
PACO
Soon, any way, your friend
looks like a rotten lay.
WILLIS
She is a rotten lay, but I spent
$5000 finding her, I want to take
something for it.
With his eyes closed and mouth open,
Joel is wadding up a pastrami sandwich
with the tips of his fingers. He moans
softly. Paco and Willis stare at him
sadly, They're too embarrassed even
to exchange a glance.
PACO
Having a good time in there?
JOEL
It feels like wet kleenex or,
maybe, a used carnation.
TWO MICE IN THE CORNER are staring
at him in astonishment.
Out the window clouds are coming closer
impossibly fast as he kneads the bread.
PACO
That's good bread, I mean,
it was. Poppy seeds, even.
JOEL
I'm trying to experience it.
PACO
Try eating it.
JOEL
I tried that. It didn't work.
This all very important. I'm
getting I dont want to miss out
on it, I want to experience all
of this.
PACO
Any luck?
JOEL
No.
He pulls open his shirt, pulls the bread of
the sandwich and wipes his armpits with it.
Whee!, that mustard tingles.
PACO
Hey, you know, you really
live life to full. I think
I should say that.
Joel draws his gun, whirls and fires
6 shots out the window. Willis and
Paco sigh as if it had been a mild
act of bad taste.
PACO
Well, you dont have to do
it all right now.
WILLIS
Maybe, you should take a pill.
JOEL
I dont want a pill.
PACO
But will you settle for it?
JOEL
No, I got to rape the robber
girl hoydena in half an hour.
Murray roars in, gun drawn, dragging the
girl Everyone has his gun out but doesn't
know where to point it. They stare each
other down then re-holster their guns.
MURRAY
Alright, what happened?
JOEL
My gun went off while I was
cleaning it.
MURRAY
6 times?
JOEL
I clean it thoroughly,
that's all.
MURRAY
That's alright, Honey, dont
pay any attention.
The girl gestures that she wants to make
a phone call. Willis nods. She dials
3 different numbers before she gets an
answer. Murray is staring at the food.
JOEL
There's 2 pastrami left, one
without bread.
WILLIS
And potato salad.
MURRAY
Potato salad? You could spackle
a wall with that. Why do you
eat such shit?
JOEL
They're around the corner.
MURRAY
Then move the office.
JOEL
I move the office, I'm out
of business. In fact, I'm
out of business, we're all
going to die.
MURRAY
Explain.
JOEL
I cant put it into words.
MURRAY
I'm afraid of things with names
Knife, gun, federal tax audit,
The Creature from The Black
Lagoon, even that's got a name,
if you cant put it into words,
I'm not worried about it.
Joel throws in his hand. Willis and Murray
start to play. The girl is still talking on
the phone. Joel starts whispering to Paco.
JOEL
You have no right to do to kill
me, can we agree on that?
PACO
It's not my choice, it's forced
on me by chance.
JOEL
Then leave it to who got you
into it.
PACO
Chance?
JOEL
Yeah, settle it by tossing
a coin.
PACO
Alright, heads.
He tosses a coin. It comes up tails.
Copyright © 2001 Angel Obregon |