Secret Asian Man (9) Asia : ( catching up ) You two better come see this! Asia leads them over to the small crowd around the table. Hoo breaks through to find Agent Ono slumped over the table, a knife in her back. Hoo : Oh, no. Neeko : You know her? Hoo : O-no. Neeko : You know her? Hoo : Agent ONO! ( you idiot ) Ono moans. Hoo raises her head and cradles it. Ono : ( faintly ) The Blue Diamond.....biggest ever..... Asia : The Stone of the Blue Krishna? Ono : No,......ball diamond, new stadium,...Nemisis... With these dying words, Ono slumps back across the table. Asia comforts Hoo, they are all speechless. A new performer takes the stage. Club Manager : Ladies and gentlemen, the Legends of Rock is proud to present............Asian Elvis! Applause. Asian Elvis: A ro gatto, do mo a ro gatto. ( caption: Thank you, thank you very much. ) EXT, baseball stadium/wide aerial view, daytime. The Fuji Blimp hovers overhead. The retractable domed roof is open, revealing a beautiful, state of the art complex with blue seating and appointments, giant TV screens, air conditioned suites, etc. Push in to the field where the teams are warming up; the San Diego Padres and the fictitious Tokyo Blues. The high tech score board identifies the stadium as The Blue Diamond Baseball Complex, New Home of the Tokyo Blues, Biggest, Best and Newest Sports Arena in the World. INT, Blue Diamond press box, daytime. ESPN Commentator #1 : Ladies and gentlemen, ESPN in association with ABC sports is proud to bring you live, via satellite, this historic sporting event. Direct from Tokyo’s brand new, state of the art, sports arena, Japan’s premier professional baseball team, the Tokyo Blues, will play host to one of America’s finest, the San Diego Padres. It may be just an exhibition game, but this is for bragging rights of the universe. Which is better, American baseball or Japanese? ESPN Commentator #2 : ...and it should prove to be a good contest, Johnny. These two teams match up well..... As the commentators talk, the camera pans the stadium crowd until reaching the area behind the 3rd base dugout ( the visiting Padres ). Asia is standing with her back to the railing that separates the seating area and the playing field. She is scanning the crowd. A man in a chicken suit emerges from the Padres locker room and taps her on the shoulder. She turns and is startled when she comes face to face with the famous San Diego Chicken. Neeko is wearing the chicken suit. Neeko : Have no fear, it is I, Arfredo Ringuine. Asia : Where’d you get that thing? Never mind, I don’t want to know. Where’s Hoo? Neeko : ( pointing ) Hoo’s on first. Asia : ( alluding to the classic Abbot and Costello routine ) Don’t even go there. As they continue to talk, now inaudibly, the camera pans up into the stands to a midget hot dog vendor whose back is turned. He hands a hot dog to a Japanese fan and turns toward camera to observe Asia and Neeko. It is, of course, Diamonique. He grins an evil grin. A mustard dispenser is mounted to the fixture in his forehead. He holds a hot dog under it and the dispenser squirts out a measured line of mustard. He hands it to another fan. Back on the diamond, the Tokyo Blues take the field. V.O. P.A. system ( Japanese ) : Ladies and gentlemen, the Japanese national baseball champions, our own Tokyo Blues!... ( CROWD CHEERS ) ....And now, our Blues are proud to present their honored guests, all the way from California in the United States of America, the San Diego Padres! ( CROWD CHEERS ) May the best team win. A Padres batter steps up to the plate. Home Plate Umpire ( Japanese ) : Play Ball! The game begins and continues in the background throughout the upcoming action. CUT BACK TO: Asia and Neeko. Asia : We’ve got to locate Nemisis. Neeko : How, there must be 80,000 people here. We can’t check them allr. Asia : Well, knowing Nemisis, he won’t be in the cheap seats. That’s for sure. He’ll either be in one of the front row box seats or one of those fancy suites. ( sarcastically ) That narrows it down to 8 or 10 thousand. Neeko : He could even be incognito. Asia : What? Neeko : As one of the prayers or even an umpire. Thanks to my crever disguise, I just happen to have access to praying field. You check the stands. Asia : Gee, thanks. CUT BACK TO: Diamonique in the stands. Neeko and Asia are seen in the same frame, in the distant background. They are talking, out of earshot. Diamonique steps back into an alcove so as not to be noticed by the fans. He selects a hot dog, wrapped in white napkin paper, from his tray. He extends an antenna from the end of the wiener, holds it to his ear and speaks into the other end. Diamonique : Ready in the press box? V.O./walkie talkie : Ready. In the background, Asia and Neeko split up. Neeko, in his chicken suit, runs onto the field and start his mascot antics. Asia pretends to be looking for her seat. Push in to Asia. She repeatedly looks at her ticket, then looks down each row of seats. She comes upon one fan whose face is obscured by the program he is reading. She pulls it aside to get a look at his face. Spectator : DOH-kah shee-MAHSH-tah KAH! ( What’s the matter? ) Asia : Sorry. Goh-MEHN-nah-sah-ee. ( Excuse me ) CUT BACK TO: Diamonique. Diamonique : ( into walkie-talkie ) On my mark.....goh, shee, sahn, nee, ee-CHEE, mark! ( five, four, three, two, one, mark ) V.O.P.A. : Ladies and gentlemen, today has been designated as owner’s day here at The Blue Diamond. The staff wanted to find a way to show our appreciation to the owner of our Tokyo Blues for building this beautiful, new, state of the art complex and we think we’ve hit on just the thing. Each of you were given a paper mask as you entered the arena today. At this time we ask that you don your mask and wear it for the remainder of the game to show proper respect and gratitude for our honorable owner. The entire crowd dons paper masks with the likeness of Nemisis. CROWD CHEERS! Asia : Oh, great. What, you people never heard of bat day. CUT BACK TO: the playing field. A Padre is trying to beat a throw at home plate. He slides, kicking up a cloud of dust. Home Plate Umpire : YERRR OUT! Neeko the chicken runs to the pileup and mimicking an umpire calls the runner safe. V.O.P.A. : Oh, the Padres’s Tony Gwynn is out at home. Wait a minute, looks like the San Diego Chicken thinks he was safe. CROWD LAUGHS. Home Plate Umpire : Sorry Chicken-san, your runner was out. Batter up! The umpire settles in behind the catcher, but Neeko follows him and tries to get a peek behind the mask. CROWD LAUGHS. Home Plate Umpire : ( pushing Neeko away ) What’s the matter with you? Again, Neeko tugs on his mask. Home Plate Umpire : That’s enough, I have a game to call. Don’t make me throw you outa here! Neeko pulls hard on his mask and this time it snaps back, hitting him in the face. Home Plate Umpire : ( pointing to the lockers ) Okay buddy, you’re outa here!! Neeko trudges off with his tail feathers dragging the ground, to the roar of the crowd. Home Plate Umpire : Come on. play ball! The batter steps into the batter’s box and the ump resumes his semi-squat behind the catcher. To the crowd’s delight, Neeko turns and creeps up behind the umpire and gooses him just as the pitch crosses the plate! Home Plate Umpire : Steeee-rike, YEOW! Neeko snatches off the ump’s mask and takes off like a shot for 1st base where Agent Hoo is posing as a Blues player. The umpire takes chase, trips and falls. CROWD ROARS! Neeko settles in at first and leads off toward 2nd base, as if he were a runner. V.O.P.A. : Looks like it’s poultry night for the Padres, the Chicken is safe at 1st. Hoo : What are you doing?! Neeko : Rooking for Nemisis. Hoo : Well your not being very discreet. Neeko sees Diamonique in the stands. He is making his way toward the 3rd base dugout and the Padres locker room. Neeko : Oh, no. Hoo : What? The umpire, helped to his feet by the pitcher and catcher, heads for 1st base. Neeko : Don’t ask, just do what I say! ( jumping on Hoo’s back ) Go to second! Hoo runs to 2nd, carrying Neeko piggyback. CROWD ROARS! The umpires converge on them and grab Hoo. Neeko jumps down, picks up 2nd base and heads for 3rd! In the stands, Asia hears the commotion and turns to see what’s happening. Asia : Oh, no. ( she heads for the mayhem ) V.O.P.A. : It looks like the chicken is stealing 2nd base, literally. He’ll be Teriyaki chicken if that umpire catches him. Diamonique makes his way through the Padres dugout and disappears into the locker room. Neeko reaches 3rd base, hands 2nd base to the 3rd baseman, high fives the 3rd base coach and makes a bee line for the dug out. High fiving players along the way, he also disappears into the locker room. Asia is close behind. Padres Coach : Hey, you can’t go in there! No ladies...... INT, locker room, daytime. Asia ducks into the locker room, slams and locks the door behind her. She takes her lipstick filled with Weld Tight from her shorts and lays down a steaming bead of bubbling liquid around the full perimeter of the door jamb, sealing it shut. INT, shower room, daytime. The real San Diego Chicken mascot is sitting on the shower room floor in boxer shorts and socks. His ankles are bound, but he has managed to free his hands. Enter Neeko. Neeko : Helro again. Mascot : ( rising to his feet ) Hey buddy, give me back that costume! Neeko : Not now... Mascot : I’ll get it back if I have to pluck every feather, one by one. A wrestling match ensues. The mascot pulls off Neeko’s chicken head and tail, leaving the rest of the costume in tatters. Finally, Neeko puts the frenzied man in a choke hold. CUT BACK TO: just outside the shower rm. Asia arrives, but stops short when she hears grunting from within. Asia : Lieutenant? Neeko : Asia ? Asia : What’s going on in there? Neeko : Do not come in....I am choking the chicken! Asia : ....Don’t worry. CUT BACK TO: the shower rm. Finally, Neeko rabbit punches the mascot, rendering him unconscious as he utters a lingering moan. CUT BACK TO: Asia. She hears the moan and her eyes widen. CUT BACK TO: Neeko. He continues through the exit at the end of the showers. INT, another room of lockers, daytime. Enter Neeko. Diamonique is hiding among the rows of lockers, monitoring Neeko’s progress with his pocket watch monitor. Neeko proceeds cautiously. He stops when he hears the beeping of Diamonique’s watch. CU of Neeko. Slyly, Neeko silently opens a locker door and hides behind it. Pull back to reveal that these are not full length lockers, but rather half lockers stacked atop another row of half lockers. Neeko’s face and torso are hidden, but his legs are fully exposed. Diamonique shakes his head in disbelief. He steps out from his hiding place and sets his tray of hot dogs and mustard dispenser aside. He delicately spins the combination on one of the full sized lockers, opens the door and exits through it, leaving the door ajar. When the beeping stops, Neeko cautiously comes out of hiding. He sees the hot dogs and mustard dispenser and runs to them. He picks up the mustard in one hand and a hot dog in the other. Examining the locker, he steps in. The locker floor gives way and Neeko disappears down a dark shaft! Neeko : AAAAAH! INT, secret underground complex, Nemisis’s secret office, daytime./underground. Neeko : AAAH! ( he spills into the plush office ) Ouch! Diamonique : Welcome to the secret world of Nemisis. So good of you to drop in. Mr. Nemisis, allow me to present Lieutenant Alfredo Luigi Linguine. Neeko : Of Interpol. Diamonique : Whatever. Nemisis is seated at a massive desk in a high back chair, turned away from them. He swivels around to face them. Nemisis : Lieuten.....( surprised by Neeko’s Asian features and chicken feathers ) I thought you were Italian. Who are you supposed to be, Charley Chan or Charley the Chicken? Neeko : I am creveree disguise as Japanese..... everybody know Charee Chan is Chinaman. Nemisis rises and walks to Neeko. With hands behind his back, he circles him once. He inspects him, examining his hair, eyes, etc. Nemsis : Not a bad disguise, accent needs work though. Tell me Linguine, is it your habit to go around looking like half plucked poultry... or is today a special occasion? Well, what do you have to say for yourself? Neeko : ( holding up hot dog and mustard ) Hot dog, anyone? With that, Asia comes crashing out of the shaft and rolls into the room with a scream. She tumbles into Neeko, inadvertently grabbing the hot dog from his hand as he accidentally squirts Diamonique in the face with mustard. Neeko and Asia grin sheepishly. Diamonique : ( wiping mustard from his face ) Mr. Nemisis, may I present the lovely Agent Asia. Asia : Of Interpol. Diamonique : Whatever!! Asia : What is this place? Nemisis : Your in luck, I was just about to give your friend here the grand tour. ( walking back toward desk ) Won’t you join us. I am you see, quite proud of my secret complex. Of course, the great irony of a secret complex is that you can’t show it off....until now, that is. Diamonique, give our guests a demonstration. Diamonique retrieves a remote control joystick from a nearby bookshelf. He presses a button on the remote and a framed wall painting swings open revealing a dark recess. Diamonique manipulates the joystick and a shiny object appears and hovers in the mouth of the opening. It is the same shiny wing that he used to rob the Grand National Bank of Switzerland. Diamonique guides it into the room. It glides silently across the room and hovers inches above Nemisis’s desk. Nemisis : That’s my pet. Daddy’s got a treat for you. Neeko and Asia exchange a glance as if to say, this guy’s not all there. Diamonique presses another button on the remote and a small compartment opens on the top of the wing. Nemisis opens a tin box on his desk and with tweezers extracts a tiny diamond chip. He clicks it in place in the open compartment and then closes the tiny bay door. Neeko : What was that, a diamond? Nemisis : Oh my dear sleuths, a diamond indeed, but not just any diamond, an exquisite, rare, blue diamond. The only diamonds of any consequence, as far as I am concerned. Other stones are worthless by comparison. Neeko : What make brue diamonds so specialr? Nemisis : Linguine, Linguine, thine ignorance does show. For starters, of all the millions and millions of diamonds excavated worldwide this century, only one in one hundred thousand is a blue diamond. But, that is nothing compared to what these lovelies can do if one knows how to harness their horrific, untapped energy. Energy so powerful it could spell disaster if it were to fall into the wrong hands.... Unfortunately, Lieutenant Linguine, Agent Asia, it already has. Diamonique. Diamonique puts the wing through its paces. It rotates 180 degrees, then shoots off like a speeding bullet. Stopping on a dime, it hovers a mere inch from Neeko’s nose. Neeko’s eyes cross looking at it. It zips off again performing loops, barrel rolls and other acrobatic maneuvers around the furniture and lamps. Then it comes to an abrupt stop in the center of the room. Neeko : Wow, a brue diamond does allr that? Nemisis : Not exactly, everything you have seen so far was achieved merely by tweaking the laws of aerodynamics and physics. Nothing really. Asia : Then what are the blue diamonds for? Diamonique manipulates the remote and another compartment opens in the wing, extending a tiny laser cannon. It takes aim and blasts the hot dog that Asia is holding with a thin blue ray! She instinctively covers her face, then unclenches her hand to reveal a smoldering, blackened, half hot dog. Nemisis : Step here please. Neeko and Asia cautiously join Nemisis at his desk. He turns toward the wall and depresses a button. The whole wall rises revealing a giant glass wall. Looking down, Asia gasps and grabs Neeko’s arm to steady herself at the sight of the shear drop. Twenty stories below, lies a tremendous complex. It has the look of a military hangar, only much bigger. The deep cavern is a long cylinder shape. The floor is a circle over 100 yards in diameter. Parked on static display are 3 spacecraft identical in every way to the small, chrome wing except that these are deep navy blue and MUCH bigger. The 3 of them barely fit inside the giant hangar. They are parked with their noses almost touching in the center, making a striking geometric shape against the gray, steel floor. They are identical except that each craft’s name is stenciled on the fuselage; The Alpine Azure, The Star of Tazmar and The Stone of the Blue Krishna! There is a flurry of activity. Uniformed workmen on foot, stands, motorized carts and one man hovercraft perform maintenance. Showers of yellow and blue sparks rain down from robotic welders. Asia : This is like something from a science fiction movie. Nemisis : I assure you it is quite real. Maybe you would like a closer look. Nemisis grasps Neeko firmly by the back of his neck and pushes him right through the peculiar glass as if it weren’t there at all. It doesn’t open, it doesn’t shatter, it doesn’t do anything. They just walk right through! Asia screams, but they don’t fall. Instead, Diamonique follows them, sticks his hand back through the glass and grabs Asia’s wrist. He pulls her through, too. She gasps and closes her eyes. When she opens them, they are all on the other side of the glass, standing on a flat, hovering platform. The platform begins its descent to the hangar floor. Asia : It’s as big as a football field. Nemisis : More precisely, a baseball field. ( pointing to a monitor televising the ballgame above them ) The game is being played directly above us. Nemisis : ( re: the wings ) Impressive, are they not? You see, what you witnessed in my office was merely a miniature prototype of the real things. A scale model, if you will, of these full size, fully remote controlled, flying machines of mass destruction. Asia : These monsters are replicas of the little wing? Nemisis : In every way, only bigger. Over two hundred times bigger....and the blue diamonds that power their laser cannons; The Alpine Azure, The Star of Tazmar and The Stone of the Blue Krishna...are over two hundred times bigger, as well. Neeko : Therefor, over two hundred times more powerful. Nemisis : Not exactly. Simple math would tell you that a diamond twice the size should generate twice the power. Ten times the size, ten times the power and so on. But, it doesn’t work that way. We haven’t quite cracked the equation, but it seems that a diamond just twice as big as the chip I used upstairs generates one hundred times that much power. Just three times bigger equals roughly 1000 times the power. Asia : And the Stone of the Blue Krishna? Nemisis : Nobody knows for sure... They reach the hangar floor and step off their floating platform. Nemisis leads the way, directly to the wing, The Stone of the Blue Krishna. Nemisis : .....but according to our best calculations, we estimate a direct hit from its laser should be enough to annihilate a couple of continents. Neeko : Continents? Nemisis : Say for instance, Australia and Asia. ( patting the side of the craft ) You see, I’ve been so riddled with guilt over my rash of recent, notorious thieveries that I’ve decided to return the stolen diamonds to where I found them; The Star of Tazmar to the Americas, The Alpine Azure to Europe via Africa and The Stone of the Blue Krishna to Asia and neighboring Australia. I will, as they say, have the drop on all the inhabited continents of the world. Neeko : And what ransom do you hope to gain from holding the entire planet hostage? Nemisis : Nothing very original, I’m afraid. It’s the same old story you’ve heard a hundred times before. I am, you see, very ambitious. I have goals. I want to rule the world in absolute power and authority! The earth is a changing place. Our old systems of government are no longer adequate. The world has become smaller and smaller. Soon it will become one world. One world that needs one government for its own good, for the good of all mankind. Who better to run that government than me? Asia : You’re mad. Nemisis: Now, how did I know you were going to say that? Enter Patel wearing Bob-Bali’s stolen, ceremonial turban. Accompanied by two guards. Nemisis : The tour is over. Patel will show you to your quarters. Asia : You!
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Copyright © 1999 Tony Mossor |