Secret Asian Man (8) V.O./Loudspeaker : ....please rise and show your respect to your royal majesty. Everyone rises but Neeko. He has already fallen asleep again. Asia : Lieutenant! Neeko : ( jumping to his feet ) I awake! Asia : Please try to stay alert, or at least awake. I need you. That is, the prince needs you. Ambassador Givens : We all need you. The internashional relationsh of our reshpective countreesh restsh in your handsh. Neeko : ( subconsciously mocking Givens ) Shorry. Voice from behind Neeko ( Diamonique ) : Excuse me. Neeko turns around but nobody behind him is speaking. He turns back. Voice from behind Neeko ( Diamonique ) : Excuse me! Neeko turns again buts still doesn’t see anyone beckoning. Voice from behind Neeko ( Diamonique ) : Down here. Neeko looks down to see the diminutive Diamonique. There is a pair of opera glasses attacked to the fixture in his forehead. They are turned up, like flip-up sunglasses. Diamonique is holding a bag of popcorn in one hand and a roll of duct tape in the other. Diamonique : When you stand up, I can’t see. Neeko : But, I must stand,....to show respect you know. Diamonique : Hey, put yourself in my place. I mean, you have this great view and I can’t see a thing. Neeko : I am very sorry, but what can I do ? Diamonique : Trade seats. Neeko : What? Diamonique : Trade seats with me. Neeko : I can’t. Diamonique : What are you, so special you can’t sit in the second row? Neeko : These are assigned seats. I wish I could, but I..... Diamonique : Let me sit on your shoulders then. Neeko : This is grand ceremony of internationalr consequence, ( turning back to the ceremony ) Not Macy Thanksgiving parade. Diamonique : Oh I get it, too good to let the midget sit on your shoulders. Neeko : .....Rook, tell you what, come here and stand in front of me. Diamonique : ( pushing his way to the front ) Oh man, my hero, what a guy. Hey buddy your shoes are untied. Neeko : Oh yeah, I got dressed in hurry this morning. Diamonique : Allow me. Here, hold these. ( hands Neeko the popcorn and duct tape ) Neeko : What’s this? Diamonique : ( tying Neeko’s shoes ) Popcorn. Neeko : No, I mean.....Hey, where did you get popcorn? Diamonique : From the vendor. Take mine, I’ll get another. I’ll see if I can snag us a couple brews, too. Neeko : ( eating popcorn, holds up the tape ) No, I mean what’s this. Diamonique : Duct tape. It has 1001 uses you know. I never go anywhere without it. Neeko : Very commendable, one should alrays be prepare. Diamonique straightens Neeko’s tie and they turn their attention back to the stage. Prince Bob-Bali has risen from his throne and he descends five alabaster steps to a large, satin pillow. He kneels. V.O./Loudspeaker : Dear citizens, our beloved prince will soon be endowed with The Stone of the Blue Krishna. Thus, will our nation be bestowed with another year of prosperity, fertility and goodness. Music Up: Fanfare for the Common Man. In dramatic fashion, the lights dim and one solitary spotlight beams down on The Stone. Two women in traditional Indian attire and white gloves gingerly remove The Stone from the painting and with much ceremony, carry it to an elderly guru who is dressed completely in white and waiting in front of the prince. They hand it over, bow and retreat. The guru holds The Stone high for all to adore. V.O./Loudspeaker : Citizens of Sardashar.........The Stone of the Blue Krishna!!! A thunderous roar goes up from the crowd. Walking back and forth, the length of the stage, the guru presents the diamond to the masses. They cheer with unbridled enthusiasm. Finally, he returns to the kneeling prince. The assembly falls deathly silent, as the prince slowly raises his head and the guru affixes The Stone to his white turban. Then, there is another deafening ovation. FLASH! All the lights go out, leaving the great hall in total darkness. There is a stunned gasp from the crowd. Asia : Oh no, this is it! Ambassador Givens : Whatsh happening?! Asia : Linguine, where are you?! Ambassador Givens : Do shomething! After sounds of clamor and chairs being knocked over, the lights flicker twice and then come back on to reveal Bob-Bali lying on the stage, wrapped in duct tape. His headdress is missing, along with The Stone. Diamonique and Patel are both gone, too. Half a dozen dead bodyguards lie scattered around the prince, daggers embedded in their chests and backs. Neeko has again fallen asleep in his chair, bag of popcorn in hand. Royal aids rush to the prince and help him to his feet. But, before they can remove the tape from his mouth or body, he hops past them in a rage toward Neeko and Asia. Asia : Oh, no. Prince Bob-Bali : Mmmph, mmmmm! Ambassador Givens : I’m afraid we can’t undershtand a word old boy. Prince Bob-Bali : Mmmm! Asia rips the tape from his mouth. Prince Bob-Bali : Ahhhhh! Asia : ( wincing ) Sorry. Prince Bob-Bali : Sorry! You’re sorry? Is that all you have to say for yourselves?! You are here for one reason and one reason only, to protect The Stone of the Blue Krishna and the painting Krishna! Asia : Well.....( nudging Neeko ) One out of two ain’t bad? Prince Bob-Bali : What? Asia : ( pointing ) The painting is still secure. As the prince turns to look at the painting, Asia pops Neeko on the back of the head. Neeko : ( startled ) I’m awake! Asia : Lieutenant, something terrible has happened! The Stone of the Blue Krishna is gone! Prince Bob-Bali : Gone?! It’s stolen, that’s what it is! Neeko : What?! Neeko runs toward center stage, but Diamonique has tied his shoes together. He stumbles and falls. Crashing into the painting, his head pops right through the canvas. He lands in a sitting position with the frame resting around his shoulders. EXT, the palace gardens, daytime. Neeko and Asia burst through the palace doors, running for their lives. Ambassador Givens is trying to keep up with them. Bob-Bali and the whole of the palace guard are in hot and uproarious pursuit. The slow Givens turns to reason with his pursuers. Ambassador Givens : Princshe Bob-Bali, pleashe, lishen! Thish hash all the makingsh of an interashional....... Ambassador Givens is overtaken and trampled under foot by the mob! Asia and Neeko run for the Gremlin. Asia uses the keychain remote to pop open the doors and they jump in. With Asia at the controls, they blast off, narrowly escaping the angry mob. Neeko : What now? Asia : You’ll see. Just sit tight boss. Neeko : Where we going? Asia : There, just ahead. An enormous C-5, military, cargo plane emerges through a cloud bank. It is headed straight for them on a collision course. Neeko : Rook out! Go up, go down, go somewhere! Asia! Intent on her flying, Asia heads straight for the big plane. Slowly, the nose of the great air ship opens, revealing the open cargo bay. Asia slams on the Gremlin’s speed brakes and reverses thrust, delicately guiding them into the open plane. An arresting hook drops from the under carriage of the Gremlin and snatches onto a heavy steel cable that is stretched across the floor of the fuselage. They snap to a stop and Neeko’s head bounces off the dashboard. Neeko : Ow! His head rebounds off the car’s headrest and again he hits the dash with a thump. He rests motionless against the dashboard. Asia shuts down the engine. Asia : Sorry...............Lieutenant? Neeko : ( snore ) Fade to black. Professor Ludwig/V.O. from the dark : Lieutenant Linguine. INT, the Gremlin, fade back in/blurred shot of Ludwig from Neeko’s POV. Neeko’s seat has been reclined and a shiny solar blanket is draped over him. Professor Ludwig : Rise and shine Lieutenant. I trust you found my reclining seat and inflatable headrest to your satisfaction. They’re really quite comfy in a pinch,........... INT, C-5 cargo bay, nighttime. The interior of the plane is a flying fortress of spy technology; monitors, lighted consoles and electronic wall maps. Three uniformed agents with headsets man their consoles. Asia and Lord Wayneright are seated at a table baring remnants of a meal. Professor Ludwig : ......of course, it’s no night in the royal harem. Overhearing this, Asia frowns, Wayneright raises his eyebrows in a look of disdain. Ms. Tittle appears at Neeko’s window as he raises his head from his pillow/headrest. Ms. Tittle : Whoa, major drool puddle. ( as she and Ludwig help Neeko from the car ) Lord Wayneright : Please, join us for dinner while we brief you. Professor Ludwig : Hurry sir. I don’t mean to rush you, but we’ll be over your drop site soon. Lord Wayneright : ...and we have much to discuss. Neeko : ( sitting next to Asia ) What drop site? A uniformed technician sets a tray in front of Neeko; military field rations. Neeko : What this? Lord Wayneright : Field rations, old boy. Gives the feel of a real military operation, ay what? Neeko : ( eyeing remnants on Asia’s plate ) What did you have? Asia : Porterhouse, medium well, baked potato with butter and sour cream, Italian green beans, garlic toast, iced tea, coffee. Neeko : No desert?....I’ll have steak too, well done. Lord Wayneright : It seems all we have left is ham and eggs. Neeko : There was only one steak? Ms. Tittle : There were two......... Asia : ......but yours was getting cold..... ( she raises her hands from under the table to reveal a second large bone, picked clean except for one last morsel ) ....so, I ate it. ( with that she devours the last bite and plops the bone down on her plate ) Lord Wayneright : You were sleeping so soundly, old bean. Tittle reaches over Neeko and pops the top on one of the cans, turns it up and un- ceremoniously slaps the bottom until out plops a cylinder shaped conglomeration of pre-packaged ham and eggs. Neeko dejectedly picks at the clump of food and Lord Wayneright starts the briefing. A large screen is activated, showing slides. Lord Wayneright : Your next destination is Japan, Tokyo to be exact. We have reason to believe that is where Nemisis has based his operations. Our operatives have reported a flurry of unusual events taking place there recently. We have just recently received a wealth of information from our Tokyo operatives, including actual pictures of Nemisis and his right hand henchman, Diamonique. Their pictures come on the screen. Neeko recognizes Diamonique. Lord Wayneright : Something wrong, Lieutenant? Neeko : Of course not. I was just thinking, your Tokyo agents have done excerent work. They are to be commended. Lord Wayneright : Unfortunately, this information came at a high price. All but two of our Tokyo operatives have turned up dead. Agents Hoo and Ono. They will be your contacts in Japan. You will find them at a nightclub called Legends of Rock. It hasn’t donned on Neeko that the technicians are fitting him with a harness and para- chute. Asia is also donning sky diving gear, space helmet and oxygen tanks. Neeko : When do we reave? Professor Ludwig : We will be over the drop site in 14 seconds. Lord Wayneright : Right now Lieutenant. Professor Ludwig helps Neeko put his helmet on. Neeko/V.O. over helmet’s 2 way radio : Hey, what with helrmut. Lord Wayneright : Oxygen, you see, no one has ever jumped from this altitude before. Neeko : Jump? The technicians walk Neeko and Asia to the rear of the plane as the tail opens and wind roars through the craft. They push the clinging Neeko out and Asia follows. Neeko/V.O. helmet radio : AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! EXT, sky/high altitude, night. Neeko/V.O. helmet radio : Helrp, helrp! How do this thing work? Helrp! Aerodynamically positioning her body like a missile, Asia catches up to Neeko and grabs him face to face. Neeko instinctively clings to her, wrapping his arms and legs tightly around her, flailing and grasping. Asia : Calm down Lieutenant, I’ve got you! Neeko : Helrp, somebody helrp us! We gonna die! Asia : Lieutenant, get hold of yourself! Your cutting off my air hose! Neeko : Oh God, oh God. Asia : Relax, Ludwig designed these suits. Neeko : Rudewrig? Asia : Yes, they are state of the art. They have everything; breathing apparatus, two way radio and altitude actuators. Our chutes will automatically deploy at just the right altitude. Neeko : We not going to die? Asia : No. Neeko : Good old Rudewrig. Asia : Now are you ready to let go of me? They gaze into each other’s eyes for the first time. Neeko : .........No. Asia : Now what? Neeko : This is nice. Asia : Well, it is cold up here. I guess sharing our body heat is the practical thing to do. I mean that is what they taught us in survival school. Buzzer sounds: BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! Neeko : Aah! What that?! ( again wrapping Asia in a tangle of arms and legs ) Asia : It’s just the oxygen level indicator. We can turn off our air tanks now. They flip up their face masks and resume their star struck gaze. Neeko slowly moves to kiss her. Asia closes her eyes, but before their lips meet she has a flashback of what Ludwig said in the plane: “Of course it’s no night in the royal harem”. Her eyes pop open in a scowl and instantly her chute opens, snatching her from Neeko’s embrace. Neeko : AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! Neeko plummets earthward. The night lights of Tokyo come into view. His parachute opens and he clumsily makes his approach. It looks like he’s going to glide to a soft landing atop a very tall building. At the last minute, a gust of wind blows him past his mark. His feet just do hit the far edge of the flat roof. He scrambles to cling on, but the crumpling chute pulls him over the edge into the black abyss. Neeko : AAAAAH! Close behind, Asia screams. The camera pans down to reveal Neeko entangled in the huge steel scaffolding of a giant, blue, neon sign that is mounted atop the adjacent building, just a few yards below. The sign reads Legends of Rock. Neeko is dangling from the signage, upside down. His helmeted head is just a couple feet from the flat rooftop below. Asia gracefully glides down next to him. Asia : Oh Lieutenant, I thought I had lost you. Are you okay? She climbs the scaffolding and releases his harness. He falls in a heap. She helps him to his feet and he leans against her for support. Again they gaze into each other’s eyes and Neeko leans forward to kiss her. Unfortunately, the full face, crash helmets make it impossible for their lips to meet, even with the visors open. They clunk together. Comically, they try to extend their puckers to no avail. A voice from the shadows startles them. It is agent Hoo. Hoo : Very touching. Welcome to the Legends of Rock. Neeko : Who there? Hoo : ( stepping out from the shadows ) I’m flattered. I didn’t expect an icon like Alfredo Linguine to recognize a simple field agent. Neeko : Who? Hoo : Yes......Oh I see. ( laughs ) The name is a little tricky. I apologize. I am agent Hoo. Neeko : We ask you first. Hoo : I am Hoo. Neeko : We give up, who?!! Asia : Lieutenant,........this is Hoo. Neeko : How should I know?! He is being very evasive. I think we should take him in for interrogation. Asia : His name is Hoo, Agent Hoo, our contact. Neeko : ......This could be proy. They allr rook arike you know. Asia and Hoo exchange a look of surrender. Asia : Lieutenant.. Neeko : I willr handrel this my faithfulr assistant. Neeko : What is password? Hoo : Ob la di, ob la da. Neeko : Ob ra di, ob ra da? Hoo : Well? Asia whispers in Neeko’s ear. Neeko : Koo koo ka choo? Hoo : Finally, come on, we’ve got to meet Agent Ono. Agent Hoo leads them into the building and down a dark stairway. After they pass out of frame, pan under the stairs to reveal Diamonique. He is observing his pocket watch monitor, once again tracking Neeko via the bug he swallowed in Switzerland. INT, Legends of Rock club, nighttime. Music up: Do You Want to Know a Secret? An oriental Beatles tribute band is playing. The lighted sign behind them declares: The Japanese Beetles. The dance floor is packed. They make their way through the crowd. Hoo : This place is packed. We’ll never find Ono. Neeko : Hey rook, the Beatrels! No wonder this prace packed. ( singing along, murdering the lyrics ) Risten, do you promise not to tellr, croser, ret me whisper in your ear. Say the words you want to hear, I’m in rove with you-u-u-u. As they reach the tables in the back of the club, they notice a small crowd and commotion around one of them. Diamonique is nearby. He sees Neeko and leaves through a side exit. By the time Neeko fights his way through the crowd, Diamonique is gone. Hoo : What’s up? Neeko : I just saw one of Nemisis’s henchmen! Hoo : Are you sure? Neeko : Yes, I have see him before, yesterday at the festivalr of The Brue Krishna. I certain he could read us to Nemisis. It doesn’t matter now, I rost him.
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Copyright © 1999 Tony Mossor |