Secret Asian Man (7)
Neeko : ( choking back a gag reflex ) Yes, well, you should try them sometime. They really are quite the delicacy, you know. Neeko dabs the corner of his mouth with his napkin. Bob-Bali slaps him on the back heartily, again bringing him to the brink of barfing. Prince Bob-Bali : You are a very brave man indeed, Linguine. Your reputation is well deserved. We are proud to have such a man here to protect The Stone of the Blue Krishna at our festival ceremony, tomorrow. Asia : Please Prince, tell us about this regal festival. Prince Bob-Bali : Ah, it is a grand festival indeed. It celebrates the founding of our beloved principality, Sardashar. It is a week long carnival of events, banquets, revelry and celebration, kind of a Hindu Mardi Gras. The festival kicks off with the ceremony of the Blue Krishna. Our two most valued national treasures are presented; The Stone of the Blue Krishna, the largest blue diamond in the world, and a centuries old painting entitled simply, Krishna. During the ceremony, The Stone is affixed to the painting, adorning the forehead of Krishna. Neeko : Krishna? Ambassador Givens : Yesh, you shee in Hindu mythology, Krishna wash a human incarnation of the god Vishna. Krishna wash often depicted having a blue body and facshe, as he ish in thish ancient painting. Prince Bob-Bali : Legend has it that Krishna was known for his abilities in battling demons and charming women. In our ceremony, The Stone of the Blue Krishna is removed from the painting, taken from the forehead of Krishna and placed on my turban. Thus, by adorning my headdress with The Stone, our small nation is assured of prosperity for the coming year, as well as good over evil and virility among our people. The servers place another dish on the thali of each diner. Prince Bob-Bali : Desert, Shahi Tukra, a delicious bread smothered in a syrupy nut icing. Regrettably, I must prepare for tomorrow’s events. Enjoy the rest of your meal my friends and please, make yourselves at home. My servants are your servants. Exit Prince Bob-Bali. As they partake of the sweet desert, one of the twin harem girls takes Neeko’s plate and seductively hand feeds him the sticky treat. The other twin resumes fanning him. A third girl, oriental, massages his shoulders and strokes his face. Asia : We should also retire!...Tomorrow is a big day. Ambassador Givens : Allow me to show you to your quartersh. Asia and Givens rise to leave, but Neeko is engrossed in the attention he is receiving. Asia : Aren’t you coming? Neeko : What? Oh, you two go ahead. I be right arong. I have some....investigating to do first. Asia leaves in a huff with Givens. The harem girls set the fan & desert aside and all three proceed to stroke and caress Neeko. Exotica ( one of the twins ) : Your girlfriend is mad? Neeko : What?.....Oh, she is assistant, not girfriend. Just the same, I better retire.......that is if she hasn’t rocked me out. Exotica : Well, you know my philosophy; when in the doghouse, why not spend the night in the harem? Neeko : What? No, no I couldn’t.....that is..... Exotica : Don’t tell me the world famous, brave, renowned Alfredo Luigi Linguine is afraid of a few harem girls. Neeko : Afraid? Certainree not. It’s just, for one thing, I could not dishonor prince. After allr, you are his wives and I am his guest. Exotica : Oh, we are not married to the prince. We are merely his concubines, his property if you will. Besides, there are over three hundred of us. You know what that means, he is always satisfied... Erotica ( the other twin ) : ...and we are rarely satisfied. ( kisses Neeko full on the mouth ) Neeko : ( breaking free ) But, I don’t even know your names! Erotica : Neither does the prince, but that never stopped him. Exotica : Besides, we can easily remedy that. I’m Exotica and this is my twin sister, Erotica, and this is our harem sister, Ho Down. Neeko : Ho? Ho Down : ( pouting playfully ) Stay with us tonight, Lieutenant. I promise we won’t be good. It will be a night you’ll never forget. ( winks at the twins ) Neeko : You talk me into it. Which way to harem? Erotica : ( taking Neeko’s hand and leading the way ) It’s just down this corridor, not far at all. Ho takes his other hand. Neeko : Tellr me, how you get a name rike Ho Down. Ho Down : Let’s just say I earned it. They arrive at a pair of massive doors, constructed of big sections of beveled glass panels with etchings of female silhouettes in various poses on each pane. The twins each grasp one of the large brass handles and pull the doors open. Ho ushers Neeko into the harem quarters. The large hall is lavishly appointed. Incense is burning. There are dozens of young, beautiful women, scantily clad in lingerie and lounging on throw cushions and sofas. Others are skinny dipping in a large pool in the center of the room. Two are just getting out of the water. They scream and cover themselves with towels. Neeko is dumbstruck. He looks like a kid in a candy store. They start down three, white, marble steps, but are stopped short by two hulking Indian men. Erotica : Uh oh, we forgot about the royal eunuchs! They will kill you! Neeko : I not afraid of any old eunuchs. Neeko swallows hard and begins making kung foo movements and sounds. The bare chested eunuchs stand motionless, their muscular arms crossed like two statues. Suddenly, Neeko lets out a blood curdling scream and kicks one of them square in the crotch! The eunuch doesn’t flinch. Neeko : By the way, what’s a eunuch? Music Up: Great Balls of Fire/by Jerry Lee Lewis. Neeko grabs the second eunuch in the crotch and squeezes hard. Nothing. Again, this eunuch just looks at him. Neeko pats down his crotch finding nothing. Neeko : Oh, boy. One eunuch lifts Neeko off the ground by the scruff of his neck. The other draws a long dagger. Enter Tonja the harem mother. Although in her fifties and of superior stature ( a head taller than Neeko ), she is till buxom and shapely. A real looker in her day. She is wearing a long sleeping gown and sheer robe. The plunging neckline rerveals her big cleavage. A white diamond ( like Diamonique’s ) is affixed to her forehead. Tonja : Enough! Put him down, I will handle this. The eunuchs set Neeko down in front of Tonja, bow to her and exit. Neeko is eye level to Tonja’s cleavage, mere inches away. He is mesmerized. Tonja : What is the meaning of this intrusion? This is the royal harem. Prince Bob-Bali himself is the only man allowed here. Explain yourself. Erotica : But Tonja, this is the famous Alfredo Linguine. ( then to Neeko ) Tonja is the harem mistress. She is like a mother to us. Tonja : Silence! You girls know my rules. If you are going to bring back men for the night,...you have to bring enough for everyone. ( she coyly scans the room filled with women ) What do you think Linguine, are you “up” for it? Neeko : ( gulps ) No probrem. Tonja turns Neeko around so that he faces a heavy, wooden door with big black padlock. A stone nameplate above the door reads, Aphrodite. Tonja : Well then, a man of your virility should start with a very special woman. Neeko : ( spinning back around ) You? Exotica, Erotica, Ho and Tonja exchange a knowing glance. Tonja turns him back. Tonja : No Lieutenant, I have someone very special in mind of you. You will begin the evening with my favorite girl, Aphrodite. Neeko : Aphrodite? Tonja : Mm, hmm, she’s a real tiger. Neeko : ( again turning to face Tonja ) But I rike you. Tonja : You mean you would pass up an evening with Aphrodite, mythical goddess of love, for Tonja? Neeko : ( transfixed by the proximity of her cleavage ) Ret’s just say, I know what I rike... and I rike what I see. Tonja : ( smiling to the girls and unlocking the door ) : Tell you what killer, you have a go with my girl, Aphrodite. If you survive her charms, I’ll take whatever’s left and show you a real good time. ( she pushes Neeko through the door, into a dark room and re-locks it behind him ) That is, if there is anything left. Ho Down : ( sighs ) Too bad, this one was kind of cute. Exotica : I think he liked you, Tonja. Reflecting on what might have been, Tonja subconsciously traces a finger down the line of her cleavage as her thoughts seem to be far away. Tonja : Yeah, it has been a long time. Erotica : You’re not going soft on us, are you Major Tonja. Tonja : What...certainly not, just thinking. Maybe I should devour him myself before feeding Aphrodite. INT, palatial suite, nighttime. Asia is in bed sitting up against the headboard. She is wearing the same frumpy pajamas she wore at the ski lodge. A tear rolls down her cute cheek. She reaches for the box of tissues on her nightstand and dabs away the tear. Just like at the lodge, she looks at the tissues, then down at her chest. But this time, she slings the tissues across the room, rolls over and sobs quietly. INT, Aphrodite’s room, pitch black. Neeko : Aphrodite?.......Aphrodite? Helro, are you there. ( BLAM! Neeko stumbles over a chair ) Ouch!...Aphrodite, where are you, you rittle tease? ( the springs squeak as Neeko finds the bed in the dark ) Ah, the bed. Are you here, my darlring? The bed squeaks as Neeko crawls across it. His eyes begin to adjust to the darkness and he sees vague silhouette curled up on the bed. Neeko : ( giggling ) Hey, that tickle. Stop. Whoa, you bad, bad girl. What is that? Ha! Whatever it is, now I have it and now, I willr tickle you, you naughty girlr. Purrrrrrr. Tickle, tickle. Aphrodite ( a tiger ), answers with a low, growling purr of her own. The lights flash on, revealing Neeko on his hands and knees, nose to nose with the mighty Bengal tiger on a huge, satiny, canopy bed. Mosquito netting drapes from the ceiling over the four corners of the bed. Neeko is holding the tiger’s tail in his hand. It begins to flick, indicating the big cat’s agitated state. Neeko taps the end of the tail lightly on Aphrodite’s nose. Aphrodite : ROAR!! Neeko : AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! Music Up: Wild Thing/by The Troggs Neeko tries to scramble from the bed, but gets hung up in the mosquito netting and entangles himself the more he struggles. Aphrodite leaps at Neeko, shredding his clothes and the netting. Neeko falls to the floor, one foot still tangled in the net. CUT BACK TO: the harem quarters. Tonja: I’ve changed my mind, I want the Lieutenant for myself. Erotica : Linguine? Exotica : Major Tonja, you can’t... Tonja : I can’t help myself, I must have that man. Erotica : Linguine? Tonja : ( starting toward the door ) Yes, Linguine. I must have him. Ho Down : You know what Nemisis will do to you if you disobey his orders. Tonja : I don’t care, I want that man. Erotica : Linguine? As Tonja reaches for the door handle, there is a tremendous roar from within. Ho Down : Too Late. CUT BACK TO: Aphrodite’s room. Neeko is still on the floor, entangled in the netting. He fumbles for his lip balm, finds it, and applies some to his lips, smearing the glazey coating all around. Aphrodite gracefully bounds from the bed & pounces on him, pinning him down. Towering over him, she playfully bats the chapstick from his hand. Bracing for the worst, Neeko puckers and closes his eyes tight. Nothing happens. He re-opens his eyes. Neeko’s POV Aphrodite is still hovering above him. She growls low, from deep within and bares her teeth, poised to kill. Her long tail begins to flick again and it swipes past Neeko’s head. Gathering all his courage, Neeko grabs the tail and pulls with all his strength! The giant tiger roars in pain and instinctively springs around toward the source of pain at her hind quarters. Crazed, she begins to chase her tail in a circle. Neeko scrambles free, sprints to the door and throws his body against it, banging, kicking and clawing! CUT BACK TO: the harem quarters. Tonja and Ho Down are sitting on the floor on one side of Aphrodite’s door. Erotica and Exotica are on the other. They all flinch with each roar and scraping bump against the door. Ho puts her hand on Tonja’s shoulder to comfort her. CUT BACK TO: Aphrodite’s room. Searching frantically for a weapon, Neeko draws his sleeping serum pen. He clicks it open just as the furious Aphrodite leaps upon him! They fall in a heap on the floor, against the door. CUT BACK TO: the other side of the door. The girls sit motionless around the door. Finally, Erotica breaks the silence. Erotica : It’s awfully quiet in there. Exotica : Too quiet. Tonja : It’s done then. You know what to do,....remove the body and dispose of all evidence. Erotica removes the padlock and pushes against the door. It won’t budge. Erotica : It’s stuck, it won’t budge. Exotica : ( also presses against the door ) Something’s blocking it. Tonja : Let me see...( also fails to move the door ) Help us Ho, altogether now. With a unified heave, the door gives way and they tumble in on top of the comatose Aphrodite. Neeko is concealed beneath her. Neeko : Umph. Tonja : Inspector? You are alive! The girls manage to pull him out from under the sleeping tiger. He is disheveled and his clothes are shredded. He picks up his chapstick, caps it and re-pockets it. Likewise, he clicks his pen shut and puts it in his breast pocket. Tonja : Are you all right? Neeko : Of course, it willr take more than rittle tiger to deter the rikes of Rieutenant Arfredo Ruigi Ringuine. Now, I berieve there is the matter of a rittle promise you made to me. You do keep your promises? Tonja : Oh, yes. Yes, yes, yes. Tonja kisses him deeply. His knees quiver as he swoons. Then BLAM! Tonja falls flat on the floor, a victim of his lip balm. Snapping out of his bliss, Neeko catches his balance before he falls too. Neeko : Man, I hate when that happen. Ho Down : Don’t worry Alfredo, this can still be a night to remember. The trio of girls engulf Neeko in a tangle of kisses and petting. CLICK! His pen stabs him through his shirt. His eyes roll back in his head and BLAM, he drops like a rock! Fade to black. INT, hallway outside the front doors of the harem quarters, daytime. Blurred, dim lighting, POV from the floor up to ECU of Asia’s face. Asia : Wake up. Coming into focus, pull back to reveal Asia, still in pajamas. She is sitting on the floor, cradling Neeko’s head in her lap. Ambassador Givens, in a robe, stands next to her. Asia : Lieutenant Linguine, are you all right? Neeko : What happen? Ambassador Givens : We don’t know. All we know for sure ish that.... well.... Asia : That you spent the night in the royal harem and your clothes have practically been torn from your body!! ( she drops his head to the floor with a thud ) Neeko : ( grimacing, holding his head ) Oh yeah, it coming back. Asia : I have given you the sleeping serum antidote. You will be fully awake momentarily. Neeko looks and sees the hypodermic needle still stuck in his arm. BLAM, he passes out. INT, hallway outside Neeko and Asia’s palace suite, daytime. Asia enters the hallway from their suite and waits impatiently for Neeko. Asia : Hurry Lieutenant, we’ll have a hard time explaining ourselves to headquarters if we are late for the ceremony. Neeko emerges with sport coat, shoes and cup of coffee in hand. His shirt is half buttoned and his untied tie is draped around his neck. He follows Asia down the hall. Neeko : Don’t worry, I’ve never missed a stakeout yet. ( then to himself ) Of course, this is my first one. In a huff, Asia proceeds out of frame. Neeko stumbles along as he continues dressing. Asia re-enters frame and takes his hand. Asia : ( pleading ) Come on! Just outside the auditorium entrance, Neeko stops again and leans against the wall to put on his shoe. Asia : Lieutenant, please. Neeko : You go ahead, I’ll catch up. Asia : Oh, very well. The first rule of good police work is to always stick with your partner. But, at least one of us should attend this ceremony, since that is what we’re here for, not to play bed tag in the royal harem! ( she storms off ) Neeko : ( yawning ) Save me a seat. INT, auditorium/backstage, daytime. Enter Asia. She is greeted by Ambassador Givens and a dark, stern, Indian man ( Patel ). Ambassador Givens : Ashia, thank goodnesh, we were getting worried. Allow me to introdushe..... Patel : Where have you been?! Asia : ( glancing back at Givens ) ....We were detained. Ambassador Givens : Let me introdushe Mr. Patel, head of royal shecurity and the princshe’s pershonal body guard. Asia : Pleased to... Patel : Where is Linguine? Asia : Lieutenant Linguine is....conducting last minute reconnaissance of the grounds. But, I assure you he will join us before the ceremony begins. V.O./Loudspeaker : Citizens of Sardashar, behold your royal majesty, the most high, Prince Rajesh Bob-Bali. ( cheers and applause ) Patel : The ceremony has already begun! Make haste, your seats have been strategically located on the right hand of the stage. I will be seated on the left. The first two rows of spectators on the floor are comprised solely of undercover members of the royal guard. In addition to the bodyguards attending the prince on stage, there are guards scattered throughout the auditorium and outside on the palace grounds, all of which, I might add, reported to their post in a punctual manner! I trust your inspector will be here soon as well. Be seated, we must be in position before The Stone of the Blue Krishna is presented to the public. INT, the auditorium, daytime. The prince is being carried in atop a sedan chair supported on two horizontal poles. Asia and the ambassador enter from backstage and find their seats. Patel crosses backstage to get to his. There are many dignitaries stageside, but Asia and Givens are in the front row, along with Neeko’s empty chair. Amid great pomp and circumstance, the prince is carried to a magnificent throne on stage. V.O./Loudspeaker : Ladies and gentlemen,....the most high Bob-Bali, Prince of Sardashar! Ambassador Givens : They are about to preshent the painting and then The Shtone, where ish Linguine? Asia : I don’t know, but this is too big for me to handle on my own. Asia makes her way through the dense crowd, bolts to the hallway and finds Neeko right where she left him, leaning against the wall, sound asleep. Asia : Oh Lieutenant,.....wake up! Neeko : I’m awake! Asia : Come on, the ceremony has already begun! Neeko : Ceremony?........The ceremony!! Then what are you doing here? Asia : ( grabbing his hand ) Come on! INT, the auditorium, daytime. Enter Asia with Neeko in tow. Seeing this, Patel grins an evil grin from across the stage. Asia : Excuse us, pardon us. V.O./Loudspeaker : ......citizens of Sardashar, the royal family is pleased to present the painting, Krishna. The painting is unveiled to a simultaneous “ahhhhhh” from the collective mass, just as Neeko and Asia take their seats on either side of Ambassador Givens. Ambassador Givens : Tsk, tsk, your late night catting about sheems to be catching up to you. You should be ashamed of yourshelf, hurting that poor girl. Neeko : What you talk about? I the one with headache. Ambassador Givens : Cad!
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Copyright © 1999 Tony Mossor |