Secret Asian Man (6) We ran in to a rittle trouble. Agent Stacy : Nothing serious, I hope. Asia : Nothing about three years won’t take care of. Agent Stacy : Forgive me, where are my manners? I am special agent Ray Stacy, FBI and this is Rhett Bonner, special agent CIA. Agent Stacy is sipping coffee from a foam cup. Bonner is well over 6 ft. tall and towers over everyone else. Bonner isn’t too bright. Neeko : Preased to meet you, Boner. Agent Bonner : That’s Bonner. Neeko : Allrow me to introduce.... Agent Stacy : Agent Asia, we know. We’ve been fully briefed on the case, at least as much as we have need to know. Well, I suppose you’ll want to get right to work. Paleontologist/V.O. : ( a distant wail of anguish echoes through the halls of the Smith. ) AHHHHHHH, HU, HU, HU! Agent Bonner : What on earth? Asia : Must be the medieval torture chamber we saw on the way in. Neeko : Wonderful sound effects. ( changing the subject, to Bonner ) My you a big one, aren’t you? How tallr are you anyway. I know a family of Boners back in Itaree, but they are of small stature. You are the biggest Boner I ever see. ( turning to Asia ) Isn’t he the biggest Boner you ever see? Asia : ( embarrassed ) Perhaps we should proceed with the investigation. Agent Stacy : ( likewise embarrassed ) Good idea, right this way. Agent Bonner : ( following the duo of Neeko and Stacy ) It’s Bonner .....and if you think I’m big, you should see my Uncle Woody. With that statement, Agent Stacy nearly sprays coffee. He re-gathers his composure as they reach the empty showcase that was home to the Star of Tazmar. Meanwhile, Asia lags behind among the Egyptian artifacts, separating herself from the others. Agent Stacy : The Star of Tazmar was on loan to the Institute from the Egyptian government. You can imagine the embarrassment, trying to explain its loss and everything. Blue diamonds are very rare you know. Of course you know. After all, you are the lead investigators on this case. At any rate, as rare as all blue diamonds are, this one is even rarer. Neeko : How so? Agent Stacy : Its size, enormous for a diamond. In fact there is only one known, blue diamond in the world that is bigger..... Forgotten by the others, Asia inspects a row of upright mummy cases along the far wall. She runs her hand along the side of each case. The 3rd case pops open when she runs her hand across a concealed switch. The hinged lid swings open revealing the linen lined interior. Neeko : ( examining the glass display case w/magnifying glass ) Rooks rike the work of an expert jewel thief, all right. How did he gain entry? Agent Stacy : ( leading Neeko the ventilation duct ) Right over here. This is just as we found it. Asia steps inside the mummy case, positioning herself as if she were the corpse and pulls the lid shut. INT, secret room within Smithsonian, daytime. Lord Wayneright is seated behind a desk. Professor Ludwig and Ms. Tittle are standing. A section of a wall revolves 180 degrees revealing the mummy case. The lid opens and Asia steps out. Lord Wayneright : Well, agent Asia, what do you make of the missing Star? Asia : The work of Nemisis, no doubt. Lord Wayneright : No doubt. Unfortunately, it seems we are chasing our tails as it were. Wouldn’t you agree? Asia : Yes, sir. Lord Wayneright : While we traipse after this madman, he simply commits one burglary and moves on to the next. While we investigate one robbery, he executes another. He has successfully made off with all the major collections of blue diamonds in the world, with just two exceptions; those stones that we have entrusted to the care of Lieutenant Linguine and the only individual blue solitaire of any consequence left in the world, The Stone of the Blue Krishna in Sardashar. It is in fact, the largest blue diamond known to man. Asia : Sardashar.....India? Ms. Tittle : Not quite. A glass panel on the wall lights up to reveal a computer image map of India. Professor Ludwig : Actually, Sardashar is a sovereign state, an island principality just off the Indian coast. Ms. Tittle : About 120 miles from Bombay. As they talk, a series of still pictures plays across the glass section of wall. They include a fairytale like palace of gold, complete with elaborate gardens and fountains, peacocks, elephants cloaked with white throws and the royal family headed by the Prince of Sardashar who is wearing a white turban adorned with The Stone of the Blue Krishna. Lord Wayneright : The Stone of the Blue Krishna is the crown jewel of the royal family, so to speak. It is displayed to the public just once a year. In a special ceremony of grand tradition, it is placed on the headdress of the prince, Bob-Bali for all to view. That ceremony takes place tomorrow. Asia : Tomorrow? Lord Wayneright : Tomorrow, and unless I miss my guess, our friend Nemisis will be in attendance. So will we. I want you and Linguine to leave immediately for the Golden Palace on the Island of Sardashar. Asia : But the investigation here, we’ve only just arrived. Lord Wayneright : Leave it for the FBI and CIA to mop up. The proverbial cow is already out of this barn. But, tomorrow we must be in position to slam shut the barn door before the cow gets out. CUT BACK TO: The Star of Tazmar crime scene, daytime. Agents Stacy and Bonner are in the foreground talking with Neeko. In the background, the mummy case spins back around and opens. Asia steps back into the room, unnoticed. The old paleontologist and his assistant enter along with two security guards. Paleontologist : There he is. That’s the man! Agent Stacy : What’s going on? We’re conducting an investigation here. You’re contaminating our crime scene. Paleontologist : I’m conducting an investigation of my own and I demand that man be arrested. Bonner takes out his cuffs to arrest Neeko. Agent Stacy : Put those away! You really are a boner. Meanwhile, Asia slips up behind Neeko and touches his elbow. Pressing a finger to her lips in a gesture of silence, she leads him away while the others argue. Paleontologist : Arrest him! Arrest him for destruction of public property, destruction of a national treasure destruction of my life’s work! Agent Stacy : Calm down sir. Do you have any idea who this man is? He is the premier criminologist of the free world, Lieutenant Alfredo Luigi Linguine of Interp....... ( turning to gesture toward Neeko ) Lieutenant? EXT, Smithsonian parking lot, daytime. Neeko and Asia make a hasty retreat from the building and run for the Gremlin. Neeko : But I not get it. Where we going now? What about investigation? Asia : Forget about it. Headquarters has changed our orders again. ( using the key chain remote to open the Gremlin’s doors, they clamber in ) We’re going to Sardashar! Neeko : Where? Asia : It’s like India, almost. She starts the Gremlin, it morphs into an aircraft, they taxi across the parking lot and take off. Agents Stacy and Bonner, the paleontologist and the security guards come rushing out into the parking lot and the Gremlin buzzes them as they lift off, just clearing the tall building. Neeko : But what about The Star of Tazmar? Asia : Forget The Star of Tazmar, it’s long gone. Headquarters has reason to believe that Nemisis will strike again, in Sardashar, home of the largest “blue” in the world and this time, we’ll be waiting for him. INT, operations room/Andrews AFB - Wash DC, The ops room is a darkened, windowless control center with lighted display boards on the walls designating aircraft and support equipment locations on the flight line, etc. Airmen are updating the boards and monitoring radar screens. A full colonel supervises them. One airman watches his radar screen as a blip appears. Airman : Sir, we have just picked up an unidentified aircraft entering restricted, White House air space. EXT, Andrews AFB flightline, daytime. An alarm sounds and two flight crews are scrambled to their F-16 jet fighters! CUT BACK TO: the flying Gremlin. Neeko : I wish headquarters would make up their minds.... Warning device sounds: BEEP, BEEP, BEEP! Neeko : AAH! What that?! Asia : Our “locked on” warning signal, we’re being tracked. Neeko : This is outrage! Who would dare to do such a thing? Asia : They would. Neeko : ( looks in rear view mirror ) AAAH! ( turns and looks behind them ) AAAH! Asia : Hang on! ( putting the Gremlin into a steep dive ) Neeko : AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! EXT, White House lawn, daytime. The president is disembarking from his helicopter to a welcome of grand proportions. There is a large crowd of spectators, press, ranks of army personnel in formation and a military brass band and color guard. The Gremlin’s evasive dive takes them straight at the president with the F-16s in hot pursuit. Both jets fire missiles. The Gremlin breaks off just in time to avoid impact with the presidential helicopter, but the missiles hit the copter. It explodes in a fireball. The president dives for cover amid a shower of sparks. The assembled military ranks return fire on the jets with guns, bazookas & missile launchers. Asia : That was close! Neeko : Yeah, too crose. Asia : I think we lost them. Check radar, anything? Neeko : Nothing. Asia : Good, let’s make tracks to Sardashar. Neeko points out the window to the distant sky over the White House. Neeko : Hey rook, fireworks. Asia : Cool. Pull back to wide angle of the Gremlin streaking through the sky. CUT TO: ECU of TV screen tuned to CNN Headline News. Commentator / V.O. TV : .....this late breaking story. Details are sketchy, but it seems there has been a terrorist attack on our nation’s capital. This in the wake of the incredible burglary at the Smithsonian Institute, just last night. In fact, unconfirmed reports are now stating that there has been an attack on the White House itself. We take you live to Headline News field correspondent, Ted McKatherine. EXT, Smoldering White House grounds, w/reporter in foreground, nighttime. Commentator / V.O. : Ted what can you tell us? Reporter : Steve, from what we’ve been able to piece together from several eye witness accounts, it looks like our nation’s capital has survived a terrorist attack of enormous firepower. According to reports, the president had just arrived......... CUT BACK TO: ECU of the TV screen tuned to the newscast. During the reporter’s dialogue, pull back to reveal a plush office. Nemisis is seated at a desk examining The Star of Tazmar through a diamond scope. Diamonique is at his side. Fade Volume on news report. Nemisis : Tsk, tsk, tsk, what is the world coming too? To think that you, my diminutive friend, could have easily gotten caught up in that nasty mess. You should vacation in a safer place next time you travel abroad. Somewhere like.....oh, I don’t know, say, the Golden Palace of Sardashar? As he talks, Nemisis walks to a tremendous glass window. He is actually in a lavish box suite in a state-of-the-art baseball stadium. He looks through the plate glass window and the camera follows his POV onto the playing field. It is nighttime but the stadium lights are illuminating the field. Incredibly, the entire ball field opens up, as if it were a giant sinkhole disappearing into the bowels of the earth. Presently, an ominous black mass appears in the void. Slowly, it rises from the depths. It is a flying V! Just like the miniature one that stole the Blue Azure from the G.N. Bank of Switzerland. But, rather than silver, this one is jet black and about half the size of a football field. Its wing tips nearly scrape the sides of the cavern from which it rises. The wing clears the gaping hole and hovers momentarily before its master, Nemisis. Then Nemisis watches intently as the craft silently levitates skyward into the night. He doesn’t speak, he doesn’t move, but rather follows the ascent with his eyes only. EXT, Golden Palace of Sardashar/aerial view, daytime. Opulence abounds, the giant dome of the palace is gold. The rest of the sprawling compound is constructed of a variety of rare woods and materials; onyx, marble, granite, ivory, silver and copper. It is appointed with a wealth of gold fixtures, huge vases, stone statues and sculptures, hand painted tiles, mosaics and rugs. The grounds are green and manicured, replete with lush gardens and shrubs, a courtyard and reflecting pools. Peacocks have the run of the place. Servants and riders on elephants come and go. The Gremlin makes a vertical descent, straight down and lands in the courtyard. Neeko and Asia emerge and are greeted by a red carpet and large entourage. Asia : Let me brief you on a few points of Indian protocol. Neeko : Do not worry, Indian culture is a great hobby of mine. Ambassador Givens ( w/British accent and bad lisp ) : Greetingsh Lieutenant Linguine, I am Shir Lee Risher Givensh. Neeko : Prease to meet you Shirley. Ambassador Givens : Not Shirley, Shir Lee. Neeko : May I introduce junior partner, Agent Asia. Asia, Shirley Givens. ( snickering under breath to Asia ) He has girl name. Ambassador Givens : Yesh, well....anyway, I am the British Ambashador to thish shovereign prinshipality and Lord Wayneright hash ashked me to ashisht you with anything you need during your shtay. Therefor, it ish my pleashure to welcome you on behalf of both the British embashy and the local government of Shardashar. Ambassador Givens : Now, if I may, Lieutenant Linguine, Agent Asia, it givesh me great pleashure to introdushe Hish Royal Highnesh, Princshe Rajesh Bob-Bali of Shardashar. Givens bows, Neeko steps forward to meet the prince, holding up his hand in the traditional greeting of American Indians. Neeko : How, Bob! Ambassador Givens : Lieutenant, a little decorum, pleashe. The princshe’s name ish not Bob. You musht addresh him by hish formal name. Neeko : Of course, how sirry of me. How, Robert! Yellrow face and yellrow squaw come in peace. ( gives peace sign ) Travelr many moon. Bring much wampum. Speak truth, not forked tongue. Now, take us to your chief. Prince Bob-Bali : Chief? Neeko : Ug, chief, head honcho, top cat, numero uno. Prince Bob-Bali : Forgive me for interrupting, Lieutenant Linguine, but allow me to invite you into my humble home....I fear you have been in the sun too long, already. The prince offers his arm to Asia. She takes it and they proceed toward the palace with Neeko and Givens bringing up the rear. Neeko : ( to Givens ) Hey, he speak perfect Engrish. Ambassador Givens : He should. He’s a Florida State Alumnus, class of ‘86. Neeko : Seminole, huh......I would have guess Cherokee. Ambassador Givens : Gad man, are you daft? Thish ish India you know, well almosht India. Anyway, theeshe are Indian Indiansh, not Sheminole Indiansh, not Csherokee Indiansh, not Navajo Indiansh, not even Indianna Indiansh, jusht plain India Indiansh! There are no tee peesh, wig wamsh or pa pooshes here, jusht elephantsh, ivory, and tigersh! Hish Royal Highnesh ish a princshe, not a chief, do I make myshelf clear? He ish not to be addreshed ash Bob or even Robert! Hish name ish Princshe Rajesh Bob-Bali, nothing more, nothing less! For my country’s shake and yoursh, don’t deshtroy the internashional relationships our nationsh have worked sho hard to shecure and maintain! Neeko : Shirley. Ambassador Givens : WHAT!! Neeko : Chillr out. They enter into a large banquet room. A gong sounds. Prince Bob-Bali : Ah, dinner is served. You’re in luck Lieutenant. You have timed your arrival most perfectly. The royal chef has prepared a lavish feast in your honor. Please, be seated. The prince sits at the head of the table. Two big bodyguards stand at his flanks. A veiled harem girl fans him. Many more harem girls, of various nationalities, adorn the room, reclining on big pillows. A sitar player strums for their entertainment. Prince Bob-Bali : Please Lieutenant, sit next to me and you Asia next to him. We have much to talk about. All are seated. Two harem girls, twins, attend Neeko. One fans him, the other feeds him grapes. Asia fumes. The servants bring covered silver dishes to the table. Prince Bob-Bali : My chef has gone to great lengths in anticipation of your arrival. We will enjoy a meal of very traditional Indian quisine. To begin, all the courses will be served on our thali. Neeko : What?! Asia : Thali, the traditional Indian service tray, about 12 inches in diameter and usually formed from a metal such as copper or brass. Ambassador Givens : Bravo, well done Agent Asia. Prince Bob-Bali : All the food will be placed on the thali in individual bowls. We will use spoons for our soup, but no other utensils. No forks or knives. Thus, our food will be served in bite sized portions or prepared so as to be eaten by hand using the thumb and two forefingers of the right hand. In Indian culture, the left hand is considered unclean since it is used for other, shall we say unmentionable tasks. Asia : Hence the custom of shaking right hands, instead of left. Prince Bob-Bali : Correct again, dear Asia. Each diner has his own personal server, so that each dish is placed before them simultaneously. The prince describes each creation. Prince Bob-Bali : ( as the first dish is presented ) Cabbage Foo Gath. Neeko : I ruv cabbage. Prince Bob-Bali : Curried Potato Balls. Neeko : Curry Potato Ballrs? Asia : Deep fried mashed potatoes. Prince Bob-Bali : Vangi Bhath. Neeko : Vangi what? Asia : Vangi Bhath; rice and eggplant. Prince Bob-Bali : Pooris. Asia : A fried bread. Prince Bob-Bali : Bengali Curried Vegetables...and before indulging in our main course of Tandoori Chicken, we will enjoy a wonderful amti. Neeko : Amti? Asia : It’s like soup. Prince Bob-Bali : Yes, but this is no ordinary amti. ( Neeko and Asia begin to spoon their soup ) It is my chef’s special variety. Neeko : Dericious. ( sips another spoonful ) I must tellr you, this is just about the best amti that ever cross my rips. What’s in it? Prince Bob-Bali : As I was saying, it is my chef’s special recipe, split yellow peas, and vegetable oil, seasoned with mustard seed, pickled chilies, onion, turmeric, paprika, crushed black pepper, cinnamon, cloves, cardamon, lemon juice, salt, brown sugar and....... Neeko has raised another spoonful of soup from the bowl but it is out of the camera frame and he does not notice it because he is listening intently to the prince. Prince Bob-Bali : ......the royal chef’s secret ingredient, goat’s eyes. Neeko ( looking down at his spoon at the eyeball staring back at him ) : Yah! Neeko drops his spoon and it lands back in his bowl with a kirsplish. Bob-Bali raises one eyebrow, as if insulted. Asia : ( whispering to Neeko ) Don’t insult the prince. Protocol requires that we eat the amti, goat eyes and all. It’s easy, just don’t chew. Neeko fishes the eyeball from the bowl and begrudgingly raises it to his quivering lips. He forces a smile at the prince and then chokes back a gagging sensation as it passes into his mouth. He rolls it around, but just can’t bring himself to swallow. Finally, Asia slaps him on the back and he swallows with a gulp. Neeko notices that nobody else is eating. Rather, they are staring at him, wide eyed. Neeko : Aren’t you having soup? Prince Bob-Bali : ( snickering ) Are you kidding? That stuff’s just for the tourists. It’s a real hoot watching their expressions when they spoon up that first eyeball. You should have seen your face. ( everyone but Neeko and Asia burst into laughter ) Of course, ( laughs ) up until now, ( laughs ) nobody has ever actually eaten one before.
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Copyright © 1999 Tony Mossor |