Secret Asian Man (5)
Neeko : I refuse to eat this srop. Asia : What? Neeko : And I refuse to be insulrted by a phony, fraud, French waiter. The waiter returns with a plate of lobster topped with a big scoop of vanilla ice cream. Waiter : Your lobster... ( clears throat for emphasis ) a la mode, Misieur. Neeko : I have changed my mind. We won’t be dining in your bourgeois restaurant. Asia : ( mouth full ) What? Waiter : Bourgeois? Neeko : That’s a French word. ( picking up a handful of pasta strings from Asia’s plate ) I would rather call out for pizza, than eat this. Asia : ( trying to shovel as much food as possible into her tiny mouth before they go ) .....No! Waiter : Lobster a la mode, indeed! The waiter puts the lobster and ice cream back on his tray and also tries to take Asia’s plate. She stands and a tug of war ensues. The waiter jerks the plate away as Asia gulps one last bite of the delicious meal. A stray pasta string dangles from her mouth. The waiter takes that, too and exits. Neeko is exchanging eye contact with Lola. Neeko stands. Neeko : Go ahead upstairs, my dear. I have brief business to attend to, then I join you. Asia’s mouth is full and there is marinara sauce on her lips. She sees Neeko and Lola exchange glances. Asia wipes her mouth with her napkin. Asia : ( pouting ) All right. Neeko : Why don’t you srip into something more comfortable and wait for me? I shan’t be rong. Asia looks at Lola’s enormous breasts and then dejectedly, looks down at her own. Her lip pokes out in disappointment as she turns and leaves. Neeko grasps both his lapels and pulls sharply to straighten his black, tux jacket. Lola looks coyly at him from across the room. He returns the look and never breaking eye contact, dabs his mouth with Asia’s discarded napkin, leaving red sauce on his mouth. Neeko approaches Lola and Diamonique at the bar. Seeing the diamond affixed to Diamonique’s forehead, he bends down and whispers audibly in his ear. Neeko : Pardon me, but you have something on your forehead. Allrow me. Neeko spits on a napkin and tries to rub it off. Snatching the napkin, Diamonique throws it on the bar, jumps down from his stool and exits in disgust. Lola retrieves the napkin and seductively dabs the sauce from Neeko’s face. Bartender : What’ll you have? Neeko : ( looking deeply into Lola’s eyes ) I’llr have whatever the rady is having. Lola : I’m having Sex on the Beach. Rattled by Lola’s statement, Neeko misses his stool and falls on the floor. CUT BACK TO: Neeko and Asia’s suite, nighttime. Asia bursts into the room and slams the door behind her! She is fuming! She disappears into the bathroom. Asia : ( voice from the bathroom, mocking Neeko ) Go upstairs! Wait for me, my dear! I shan’t be long, my dear! Ooooooh! Why don’t you slip into something more comfortable? I’ll slip into something comfortable all right! I’ll show you comfortable, Lieutenant Alfredo Luigi Linguine! She tears back into the room wearing flannel pajamas, terry robe, floppy slippers, curlers and glasses. Asia : How’s this for comfortable?! She grabs a box of tissue and climbs into bed, sitting up against the headboard. She clicks on the TV with the remote and still fuming, crosses her arms to wait for Neeko. Push in on alarm clock on nightstand, time; 10:12. Pull back to include Asia in frame. She pulls the neck of her p.j.s straight out and looks down inside, comparing herself to the boxom Lola. Her lip pokes out and she wells up in tears. INT, hallway outside Lola’s suite, nighttime. Neeko escorts Lola to her room. She is a foot taller than he. CU wall clock, time; 4:20. Lola : Join me for a nightcap. Neeko : ( stammering ) Wellr, it is very rate. It has been a rong day. I don’t want to presume to be too forward. After allr, I don’t even know your name. Lola : My friends call me Lola. It’s kind of a nickname. Neeko : Why do they callr you Rolra? Lola pulls Neeko close and blows seductively in his ear. Lola : ( whispering ) Come in for that nightcap and find out. Lola reaches behind her, opens the door and backs into the suite pulling Neeko by his lapels. Music Up: Lola/by The Kinks. INT, Lola’s suite, nighttime. Lola pulls Neeko inside. Neeko : Maybe just a rittle nightcap. Lola turns on the gas fireplace with a remote control and mixes their drinks. Meanwhile Neeko tries to act suave. He strikes a pose with one arm on the fireplace mantel. Unfortunately, his tuxedo coat tail starts to smolder and catches fire from the flickering flames. Seeing this, Lola spins him around and pulls off his jacket! Neeko : Wait a minute! Can’t we at reast kiss first? Lola turns him back around, gently presses a finger to his lips and pulls him down to a sitting position on the edge of the bed. She takes a cigarette case from her purse, opens the case and retrieves a smoke. Lola : ( offering the cigarette to Neeko ) Fag? Neeko : No, I straight. Lola : That’s what they all say at first. Open. Neeko opens his mouth and Lola places the cigarette between his lips and lights it. She reopens her cigarette case. Lola : Oh dear, that was my last cigarette. ( reaching for a pack in Neeko’s shirt pocket ) May I try one of yours? Lola holds the pack while Neeko seductively removes a single smoke. Neeko : Open. He places it between her lips. Lola : ( reading the label ) Ludwig Lights, imported? Lola stikes a match. As her words “Ludwig Lights” sink in, Neeko’s eyes grow wide. CU/Ludwig Lights Logo. Abruptly, he slaps the cigarette from Lola’s lipsticked mouth. Lola : What are you doing?! Neeko : I just remember, smoking very bad for you. (snuffing out his own cig ) Neeko : Besides, I’m sure we can do something else to make better use of time. Lola : ( seductively ) What do you want to do? Neeko : I don’t know, what do you want to do? Lola passes a hand over Neeko’s eyes as if to close them. Lola : Close your eyes and Lola will give you a big surprise. Neeko : I ruv surprises! Neeko closes his eyes and puckers. From her handbag, Lola retrieves a thin strand of wire. She wraps it around her hands and then abruptly pulls it around Neeko’s throat! They struggle violently and Lola’s bag is knocked over, spilling lipsticks and makeups across the bed and onto the floor. The struggle continues and Neeko manages to get the tube of sleeping serum laced chapstick from his pants pocket. Lola knocks it away! It lands among her scattered makeups on the floor. Lola pins Neeko on his back, with his head hanging over the foot of the bed, nearly touching the floor. He feels around blindly for the chapstick with one hand and fends off Lola with the other. Without looking, he picks up a tube of pink lipstick and pops the top off. He flips Lola over him judo style and falls on the floor himself. Quickly, he scampers under the bed and applies the lipstick thinking it is his lip balm. When Lola lifts the bed skirting, Neeko grabs her by both ears and tries to plant a big kiss square on her lips. Shocked at the sight of Neeko slathered in lipstick, Lola manages to turn her head just in time and Neeko leaves a big, pink, lip print on her cheek. The fight continues as they roll on the floor with Neeko trying to kiss Lola on the lips. Each kiss is accompanied by a smacking sound and another pink, lip print. As they thrash around on the floor, Lola’s wig comes off and the top of her gown falls down revealing flashes and a decidedly male physique. There is a dog whistle lying among the spilled contents of Lola’s bag. She grabs it and blows. Lola : K-9, heal! A snarling Doberman bounds into the room and attacks Neeko, allowing Lola to make her escape. Neeko grabs K-9 by both ears as the dog lunges at him. They roll under the bed skirt, out of sight. There is another big “smack” from a kiss. Immediately, the snarling stops. K-9 : ( doggy voice ) Huh? INT, hallway outside Lola’s suite, nighttime. An older couple is just emerging from their quarters directly across the corridor. They are shocked to see a man ( Lola making her escape ) half dressed in an elegant gown, with pink lip prints all over his face and head, scrambling from his room. Lola runs off down the hall and around the corner. They are equally shocked when Neeko also runs into the hall with disheveled clothes and hair, sporting pink lipstick. Lady : ( to husband ) What kind of a whorehouse hotel have you checked me into?! Neeko : Ruvree evening, don’t you agree? Lastly, the swooning K-9 emerges from the room, wearing a pink lip print on his snout and a glazed look. K-9 proceeds to hump Neeko’s leg vigorously. Neeko limps off down the hall with K-9 attached. Neeko : Idiot, dog. The lady faints, expecting her husband to catch her. Unfortunately, he is too intrigued to notice and she falls in a heap. EXT, The Smithsonian Inst./Washington, DC, nighttime. Pan from a marker designating the building as part of the prestigious institute, down an alleyway to a large air vent. The grate has been broken away and is lying on the ground. Proceed up the large duct and inside the museum. Pan the wonderful exhibits; a large room filled with Egyptian artifacts. Mummy cases and gold implements, scale models of the pyramids. In the center of the room is a big replica of the Sphinx. Moonlight, spilling in from a skylight, bathes the Sphinx in eerie, blue light. There is a big, lighted case nearby that houses another large, blue diamond. The elegant placard affixed to the case declares it; The Star of Tazmar. Pull back to include the silhouette of a short man in the frame; Diamonique. He is holding a tool box which he places quietly on the floor. He removes the diamond from the chrome receptacle in his forehead and opens the tool box. He places the stone into the box, trading it for a drill attachment and bit. He clicks the drill in place in his forehead and dons a pair of safety glasses. Properly equipped, Diamonique proceeds to drill into the side of the glass case. Next he clicks the drill loose from his forehead, leaving it embedded in the case. Holding the drill with his left hand, he takes the diamond that had adorned his forehead in his right and etches a circle in the glass around the drill. Next, he takes a small rubber hammer and with a single tap, the freshly cut, glass circle pops free. INT, Lodge Helvitia/Neeko and Asia’s suite, nighttime. Asia is asleep. There is an empty tissue box and two depleted rolls of toilet paper on the bed next to her, along with one or two scattered tissues. The door creaks open. Neeko enters on tiptoe. Finding Asia asleep, he clicks off the TV and eases into bed next to her. He is exhausted. Immediately, the alarm clock rings, shattering his momentary peace! Asia springs up to a sitting position! Her chest is enormous. Curiously, a dislocated sheet of toilet paper is visible, peeking out from her pajama top. Asia : Well, I see you finally came home to roost! Neeko : ( groans ) Asia : Rise and shine, Lieutenant. We have an early appointment on the slopes. Neeko moans and reluctantly sits up in bed. He turns to face Asia and bumps right into her “new” pillowy breasts. The impact produces a puff of white powder from all the tissue she has packed down her top. Neeko : What the...? Asia : Something wrong? Neeko : ......No, not wong, just different. Asia : ( getting out of bed ) Don’t be ridiculous. Asia grabs the last couple of tissues that are lying on the bed and walks away, stuffing them down her top when Neeko isn’t looking. Neeko sneezes from the powder. He grabs the tissue box. Empty. He runs to the bathroom, sneezing. Neeko : ( from bathroom ) Asia, have you seen the toilet paper? Asia : We’re out. Neeko : What about the spare roll? Asia : ( looking down at her chest ) I packed it. EXT, ski lift area, daytime. Neeko and Asia are putting on their ski boots and skis. The experienced Asia has no trouble but Neeko is a different story. He clicks shut the latches on his boots and reaches for his skis and poles. They are leaning against a railing just a few feet away but it might as well be a few miles. The poly reinforced boots are so stiff that he can barely walk in them. Finally, he makes his way, Frankenstein fashion, to the skis and poles, but when he reaches for them, he knocks them down. Asia : Are you sure you’ve done this before? Neeko : But of course, skiing is a great hobby of mine. Neeko struggles to kneel in the stiff boots. Finally he gets down and retrieves the jumble of poles and skis, but he can’t stand back up. Asia : Here, let me help you. Asia helps him to his feet, after which he declares; Neeko : I perfikree able to manage on my own. Saying this, he slings the skis over his shoulder, striking a passerby in the head! Passerby : Ouch, watch it! Asia : Come on. Neeko steps on his own ski and falls under the lift chair as they get on. Asia picks him up and brushes off the snow. Asia : You are very clumsy this morning. Apparently, late night outings don’t agree with some people. Asia turns and nearly knocks down the lift attendant with her new, super breasts. Finally, the attendant gathers the pair into the lift chair and sends them on their way. Neeko : I stillr don’t know why we are out here at such an earlree hour. They pass the first dismount area, marked beginners slope, without getting off. Asia : Our prime suspect, the renowned jewel thief Nemisis, is an avid skier. We got 6 inches of fresh powder last night. If Nemisis is still in the area, he won’t be able to resist the temptation. Our orders are to scour the slopes and keep a look out for him. IF....you had been in OUR room last night when our updated orders arrived, ( getting loud ) instead of gallivanting all about the hotel, with who knows who, then you would already know this! They reach the next dismount station, marked intermediate slopes. Indignantly, Asia gets off. She glides down the ramp and turns to wait for Neeko. However, Neeko has gotten his poles caught in the seat. He can’t get off and continues up the lift. Lift Attendant #2 : I hope your friends a good skier. Asia : Is the advanced run dangerous? Lift Attendant #2 : Yeah, but you better hope he gets off there. After that comes the extreme slope. Asia : Extreme?! Lift Attendant #2 : Dead Man’s Curve. Neeko passes the advanced slope dismount station. He still can’t get off. Lift Attendant #3 : Hey, you can’t go up there! You have to have a green pass! Neeko arrives at the extreme slope dismount. A sign reads; Dead Man’s Curve, Extreme skiing, Kiss your ass goodbye! He still can’t get off. He rounds the final dismount station and starts back down the mountain. Lift Attendant #4 : Hey, what are you doing?! Get off! Jump! Jump, you idiot! Neeko : Who are you callring idiot, idiot? Attendant #4 quickly makes a snowball and heaves it, hitting Neeko squarely in the back of the head, finally dislodging him from the lift seat. Neeko : AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! Neeko lands in powdery snow, stands and brushes himself off. Then, almost undetectably, he slides forward an inch, then another. Without warning, gravity takes over and he is on his way, screaming down the mountain. Three ominous looking skiers, dressed all in black, emerge from the tree line and take chase. Neeko’s wobbly skiing leads them in and out between rocks and trees. They open fire with automatic weapons, clipping pine twigs all around the helplessly zig zagging Neeko. Pursuer #1 hits a tree and wipes out. #2 and #3 shoot past Neeko as he flounders through a clump of trees. When he emerges from the thicket, he is behind them, he glides right up onto the back ends of #2’s skis. #2 tries to shake him. Neeko holds on for dear life and inadvertently puts his hands over #2’s eyes. They reach a narrow ravine, #2 pulls free and skis left, Neeko goes right, one on each side of the ravine. #2 draws a bead on Neeko, takes aim and.....BLAM, skis into a rock formation. #3 turns and skis backwards. He opens fire once again. He doesn’t see the sign for Dead Man’s Curve, misses the sharp turn and flies off the cliff into the abyss. Calmly, he pulls a rip cord, deploying a brightly colored parachute. Neeko can’t stop and also shoots off the cliff. Neeko : AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! Neeko crashes down onto #3’s parachute, collapsing the canopy. They crash into a snow bank with Neeko on top. The impact drives them deep into the snow. After a moment, Neeko climbs out of the crater, entangled in the parachute chords. His skis are in splinters. Suddenly, a snowmobile and rider come roaring out of the mouth of a cave in the mountainside. He is dressed in the same black uniform as the skiers. Just as suddenly, machine gun fire from above peppers the snow between them. They both look skyward to see a helicopter with a gunner leaning out the side opening. But whose side is he on? The snowmobiler doesn’t wait to find out. He presses a button on his handlebar, opening fire on Neeko. Neeko turns and tries to hobble away in his stiff ski boots. The helicopter jumps into action, swooping in behind him. The mystery gunner ( Asia ) drops down on the end of a rope ladder and snatches Neeko up as the snowmobiler bears down on him. Asia : Gotcha! Neeko : Wha....? Asia? How you get harocopter? I thought we were going skiing. Asia : There’s been a change in plans. Neeko : Again? Asia : We’re needed in Washington, DC. Neeko : What about Nemisis? Asia : That’s why we’re going to DC. Nemisis has struck again. Neeko : ( loosing grip ) Ah! He grabs for Asia, pulling her ski jacket open and her “treasure chest” of tissue and toilet paper become a billowing display of streamers, scattered across the sky by the wind. EXT, Smithsonian Inst., daytime. The Gremlin pulls up with Asia at the wheel. Asia and Neeko jump out and run inside. INT, Smithsonian/paleontology hall, daytime. An elderly paleontologist in a white lab coat is atop a very tall step ladder, positioned at the skull end of a T-Rex skeleton. There is a tall foot marker next to them that measures the dinosaur at 21 ft. The old scientist is piecing together the last fragment of the prehistoric puzzle, a tooth. Paleontologist : There, finally it is finished. Paleontologist’s Assistant : You did it, sir! Paleontologist : We did it my boy. Two thousand miles and three long years of tedious, painstaking sweat and tears, but perseverance has won out. Paleontologist’s Assistant : We must celebrate, sir. Paleontologist : Quite right, my boy. I’ll be right down. Enter Neeko and Asia. They round the corner at a gallop and Neeko nearly slams into the T-Rex. Skidding to a halt, he crashes into the ladder. The paleontologist hangs on. Paleontologist : You simpleton! You nearly destroyed the product of three years toil and labor in a split second! Neeko pulls out his trusty magnifying glass and begins an examination of the giant skeleton. He starts at the feet and works his way back toward the tail. Neeko : Amazing........m,hm, trueree amazing. Asia : Lieutenant, we must hurry. Neeko : You must have a rook at this. I have never seen a more intact specimen from the cretaceous period. Paleontologist : You know dinosaurs? Neeko : It is a great hobby of mine, a passion if you will. Paleontologist : Fantastic, I will come right down and tell you all about this specimen. Neeko : Not necessary. Rather, ret me tellr you. As an agent of the raw, I am highree trained in sniffing out crues and recreating evidence. Piecing together forensic puzzles, if you willr. Alrso, experienced in study of old buns. Paleontologist’s Assistant : Old buns? Neeko : Of course. Neeko makes his way along the length of the tail, looking through the magnifying glass. Neeko : For instance, I can tellr just from the size of this one smallr bun here, that this beast was 21 feet tall. Give or take an inch. The old paleontologist looks over his shoulder at the obvious foot marker. Paleontologist : ( dubiously ) Please, enlighten us further. Neeko : Totalr length from snout to tailr, thirteen meters. Totalr weight, six thousand, nine hundred, seventy keero grams. ( chuckling ) That is of course with meat on these buns. ( running his hand along the bony tail ) Alrso obvious to trained eye that this specimen hailrs from Dakotas, probry the Brack Hillrs to be precise and he is of course from Suarischian order, a theropod you know. Oops, make that she. She darkened earth’s doorstep about sixty millrion year ago during Cretaceous period. Paleontologist : Amazing, you are exactly right! Is there anything else? Neeko : ( re: a tiny bone near the tip of the tail ) Yes,.......as a matter of fact, this bun is out of prace. Paleontologist : That’s impossible. You’re mistaken. Neeko : I’m afraid the mistake is yours friend. Neeko plucks the small bone from the tail. There is a creaking sound, a pause, then the entire structure of bones crashes to the floor, scattering in a thousand directions. The old man is left teetering alone, atop the tall ladder. The assistant is speechless, his mouth gaping open. Neeko makes a faint attempt at re-attaching the small fragment to the heap of bones before him, then hands it to the muted assistant. INT, Smithsonian/room containing the Star of Tazmar & Egyptian artifacts,dayt. Neeko and Asia rush in as if someone is chasing them. Agent Stacy : Ah, there you are Lieutenant. We were getting worried. We thought you would be here sooner. Neeko :
Go to part: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
Copyright © 1999 Tony Mossor |