Secret Asian Man (2) Professor Ludwig : Oh dear. Ms. Tittle falls back onto the vacated stool, overcome with laughter. Fade out and back in, Neeko’s POV, blurred. Neeko is looking into the distorted faces of Lord Wayneright, Professor Ludwig, Ms. Tittle and Asia. He is back in place on the stool with five paper cups now scattered on the floor around him. He holds a sixth in his hand. Ms. Tittle is leaning against the lab bench with her derriere just resting on the edge. She too, is sipping coffee. Suddenly and quite involuntarily, she snorts coffee out her nose as another spell of laughter overcomes her. Professor Ludwig : ( looking from the groggy Neeko to Ms. Tittle ) Now, if we are all ready to proceed... Professor Ludwig hands Neeko an open pack of cigarettes with a big green LUDWIG LIGHTS logo on the wrapper. Professor Ludwig : These Linguine, are sleeping cigarettes. Neeko : Again with the sreeping? What is this, a prot to drive up the price of coffee?! Ret me have something that killrs ar at reast maims. ( taking out a cigarette and placing it between his lips ) This is an outrage! Professor Ludwig : I’m afraid that right now, world wide public opinion considers it, how shall I put this....politically incorrect to go around killing people. Neeko ( patting his pockets looking for a lighter ) : Ridicurous, what is the world coming to? Lord Wayneright : Not to worry old boy, public opinion changes with the weather. It won’t be long before we are free once again to kill indiscriminately, just like the good old days, ay? Neeko continues to search for a light. Lord Wayneright : By the bye, since you brought up price, the boys in accounting asked me to convey to you to be very frugal in using these cigarettes. Cut backs you know. Neeko : The high price of technology? Professor Ludwig : No, tobacco. Ms. Tittle mischievously strikes a match and holds it up to the cigarette dangling from Neeko’s lips. Lord Wayneright, Professor Ludwig and Asia : ( in unison ) NO! Wayneright gets the cigarette away from Neeko. Ludwig hands a compact case of syringes marked antidote to Asia. Professor Ludwig : Here, you’ll need these. Lord Wayneright : If you’ll come this way Agent Linguine, Professor Von Ludwig has saved the best for last. Ludwig proudly takes the lead. They arrive at a huge, hangar door that dwarfs the group. Professor Ludwig punches in a secret code and places his hand on the scanner pad located on the massive door. Nothing happens. Lord Wayneright : This is Ludwig’s masterpiece. Ludwig tries the combination again. Still nothing. Lord Wayneright : A prime example of Interpol technology..... In frustration, Ludwig kicks the giant structure, “dink”. It opens. The open door reveals a row of garaged, gleaming sports cars. They enter in awe and walk up to the chief mechanic. He is in a gray uniform and standing at parade rest at the first car; a perfectly restored Ford Cobra roadster, circa 1960. Professor Ludwig : Watkins, the lieutenant is here to pick up his car. Neeko : ( eyes wide ) My car? There is already an agent in the Cobra’s driver seat. He hands a clipboard to a mechanic stationed next to the car, starts the engine and drives off. He crosses in front of the row of beautiful cars and stops at the far end, idling in front of the closed hangar doors. Neeko : Hey, where that guy going with my car?! Professor Ludwig : Oh, that one’s not yours Lieutenant. They walk to the space vacated by the Cobra and stand next to a brand new Corvette. Neeko : This my car? Another driver, seated in the Vette, hands his clipboard to his crew chief and drives off in like manner, stopping behind the Cobra. Lord Wayneright : ‘Fraid not old bean. This scenario follows suit down the entire row of classic cars. Jaguar Neeko : This one? Professor Ludwig : ( the jag follows its predecessors ) No. Ferrari Neeko doesn’t bother to ask. He just looks pleadingly at Ludwig. Ludwig slightly shakes his head no and the Ferrari and takes its place at the end of the line of idling autos. Alfa Rameo Neeko can’t bring himself to look at Ludwig. He just stares longingly at the inticing car. Professor Ludwig : ( to Neeko ) Sorry. ( to driver ) : Take it away. The Alfa drives off to take its place at the exit, finally revealing the last car. It is a dilapidated, 1971 AMC Gremlin with faded yellow paint and patches of primer. Neeko’s mouth gapes open as Ludwig’s eyes light up. Professor Ludwig : ( lovingly touching the Gremlin ) This is your car! Neeko : My car?! This rent-a-remon?! This hoopti-ride, grocery-getter Gremrin?! You gotta kid me! What about Mazarrati? What about Jag?! Lord Wayneright : Those cars are for our regular agents. They would draw far too much attention for a case of this importance. Professor Ludwig : Don’t let looks deceive, my friend. This is no ordinary car. This model has many more......shall we say......options. Ludwig retrieves a key chain w/remote control from his pocket, aims it at the Gremlin and presses a button. The driver’s door pops open. Professor Ludwig : Climb aboard. Neeko sits in the driver’s seat. Ludwig shuts his door and bends down at the open window. Professor Ludwig : Now then Lieutenant, I won’t bore you by rebriefing you on all the little extras I’ve built into this honey. You’ve read your orders, so you already know about the armaments. Neeko : Armaments? Professor Ludwig : The T-9 missiles, the Kraylar anti tank rockets, gattling gun, etc....and of course you are fully schooled in the operations of the defense mechanisms. Neeko : ( staring at the mass of lights, buttons and switches before him ) Defense mechanisms? Professor Ludwig : The soundproof cockpit, security system, smoke screens, anti-radar devices....everything was covered in your orders. Neeko : ( looking up from the consoles ) Orders? Professor Ludwig : Yes....you did read your orders? Neeko : ...Of course I read my orders. ( looks at concerned Lord Wayneright ) Of course I read my orders. ( looking back at Ludwig ) How sirry of you. Sirry man. Only a comprete idiot would not read his orders. Professor Ludwig : .....Yes...there is however, one device that was added after your orders were drafted. We have recently installed, in all our agent’s cars, a state of the art ejection seat. That’s the lever, there. The yellow and black striped one next to the shifter. Neeko : ( clutching the lever ) If I pull this, seat ejects? Coolr. Professor Ludwig : Precisely, but you must never activate the ejector without first.... BLAM! Neeko pulls the lever, slamming him into the car roof so hard that he leaves an impression in the metal! Professor Ludwig : ( finishing his sentence ) ..first jettisoning the car roof. Lord Wayneright reaches into the car and presses a button. The car roof pops off and with a grunt, Neeko falls back into the driver’s seat. He is dazed. Lord Wayneright : Tittle! More coffee. Neeko : Man, that one hard roof. Magnesium? Professor Ludwig : No, actually it is a special aluminum alloy. Neeko ( as Ludwig and Asia snap the bent top back in place ) : Idiot, aruminum, hoopti-ride. Asia : Would you like me to drive, sir? Neeko : Don’t be ridicurous. I am, you see, highry proficient behind the wheel. ( as he turns the ignition key to start the engine ) Having said that, he pops the clutch and the old Gremlin lurches forward, jerking and jumping and coming to a stop just inches behind the other cars waiting to exit the garage. Neeko : There, you see? Neeko’s foot slips off the clutch and BAM, they slam into the Alfa Rameo. It in turn starts a domino effect causing all the classic cars to crash together. It also causes all the newly installed ejection seats to go off. The agents driving hardtops are slammed into their roofs and those driving convertibles are rocketed out of the frame all together. Neeko sinks down in his seat. Neeko : Rudewrig! There seem to be a severe malfunction with this car. Ludwig pinches the bridge of his nose as if to suppress a headache. Wayneright just closes his eyes and Ms. Tittle is overcome with another outburst of snorting laughter. Fade to black. Music up: Peter Gunn/by Emerson, Lake and Palmer. INT, a tunnel, complete darkness. Presently, lights speed past at regularly increasing intervals. The lights are in pairs. One on the right, one on the left. They come faster and faster. EXT, a deserted highway, daytime. Wide angle of a billboard. Push in. The billboard is advertising Alfa Rameos, with a life size picture of the car. Suddenly, the billboard falls forward, flat on the ground like an open draw bridge. There is a dark tunnel behind it with pairs of lights, a row on the right and one on the left. The beacons disappear into the black depths of the tunnel. As the song Peter Gunn adds dramatic effect, the Gremlin bursts forth from the mouth of the tunnel. The tires puff smoke and squeal as it hits the pavement. Neeko looks in his rear view mirror and flips a toggle switch on the dash. The billboard closes back over the tunnel exit. Neeko : Coolr. Immediately, the Ford Cobra comes crashing through the billboard and spills out onto the road. Neeko and Asia continue on, oblivious in their soundproof cockpit. One by one, all the other cars crash through the closed tunnel exit. The Alfa Rameo is last and becomes wedged in the billboard, replacing the image of the advertised Alfa. EXT, an intersection with a blinking red light, daytime. Never having driven before, Neeko doesn’t know how to negotiate a blinking red light. Everytime the light blinks off he tries to go. Then the light blinks on and he slams on the brakes. Stop - go, stop - go. This herky jerky driving makes the driver behind them slam on brakes. A British police cruiser, with two bobbies can’t stop in time and rear ends the first car. Again, Neeko and Asia travel on in their soundproof Gremlin. Asia : ( shyly ) Lieutenant..., it seems I have you at a disadvantage. Neeko’s eyes shift side to side nervously, not sure what she is getting at. After no response from Neeko, she continues. Asia : I mean, I know all about you. I’ve read your bio. I’ve read the summaries of all your cases. I’ve read news articles about you. I even keep a scrapbook. Pleasantly surprised, Neeko turns to Asia. Asia : For professional reasons, of course. Neeko : Of course. Asia : ( continues after a nervous silence ) What I mean is.... isn’t there anything you want to know about me? Neeko : As matter of fact, I do alrays quiz a new junior partner.... Just to make sure you have done homework. Asia : Oh yes, please, ask me anything! Neeko : Okey-dokey, rets see. Ah, I have one. Where are we going? Asia : You mean right now? Neeko : This my test. I willr ask the questions. Asia : Of course, but don’t you want to ask me something a little harder? Neeko : I alrays rike to start with warm up queries before hitting student with the realry big ones. Now, ret’s try again. Where are we going? Asia : ( dejected ) We are going to Heathrow Airport of course. Neeko : Heathrow, sprendid Agent Asia. ( looking around for road signs ) By what route? Asia : ( monotone ) By the assigned route that is pre-programmed into the car’s navigational computer of course. Neeko : Of course......and how do we activate navigational computer? Asia : ( giggling, playing along ) By switching it on of course. Neeko is concerned as he scans the masses of switches and buttons on the consoles. Neeko : And exactry which switch would that be Agent Asia? Asia : Oh Lieutenant, you know that the navigational computer monitor is activated by switch #B-22. Neeko : Show me prease. Asia switches it on and immediately a display map comes up on the monitor. There is a lighted arrow with the words you are here. The arrow moves along the map as the Gremlin motors along. Suddenly, an alarm sounds and the words TURN RIGHT flash in bold letters. Neeko : What that?! Asia : Turn right, quickly! Neeko jerks the car right. Because they are in England, they are driving on the left side of the road. They cut off another driver in the oncoming lane. The other car slams on brakes and skids to a screeching stop as it completes a 180 degree turn around. Music up: Peter Gunn/by Emerson, Lake and Palmer. The police cruiser that rear ended the car at the blinking red light has just caught up to them, siren wailing and steam flowing from its smashed grille. The police swerve to miss the spun out car that Neeko cut off and skid past the turn. They smoke tires backing up and take chase. As they close in on the Gremlin, another alarm sounds and the words TURN RIGHT appear again on the monitor. Neeko swerves right, jumping a curb and crashes through a small corner newsstand. The paperboy dives to safety. The police cruiser can’t negotiate the turn and also jumps the curb. Just as the paperboy is getting to his feet, he has to dive for cover again. They finally pull in behind Neeko as he enters the four lane highway to the airport. Asia sees them in their mirror. Asia : Oh, no. Neeko : What up? Asia : We’re being pulled over. Neeko : ( pulling over ) I willr handle this. Steam billows from the police car’s damaged radiator. The bobbies approach Neeko’s window. Neeko can’t get his window down. He presses button after button. The first bobbie’s patience is exhausted. He is fuming. Neeko smiles sheepishly at him as Asia depresses a button on her armrest to let down his window. Bobby #1 : ( enraged ) In the name of the Queen, what do you think you are doing, man. I’ve never seen driving like that in all my days as a traffic officer! Now, let’s have a look at your license! Neeko : Ricense? I afraid I can’t do that officer. Bobby #1 : Oh, can’t we now? Neeko : Yes, that crassified information. Bobby #1 : ( sarcastically ) Top secret is it? Neeko : Yes, you know who I am? Bobby #1 : No, should I? Asia : He’s just the most famous police detective in all of Italy, maybe in all of Europe! Maybe in the whole world! He’s Senior Agent, Lieutenant Alfredo Luigi Linguine of Interpol, that’s who! He’s here to crack a big case, maybe the biggest case ever! Bobbies #1 & #2 : ( in unison ) Who? Neeko : Rieutenant Arfredo Ringuine, at your service. ( pulls list from pocket ) You see, here is comprete rist of most secret, secret agents in allr Europe. Here I am, right here. Bobby #1 takes the list. Neeko : Keep it, I have another. It willr be good story to tellr your grandchirdren one day; how you alrmost gave ticket to the famous Arfredo Ringuine while he was on case of utmost importance. And here, this is terephone directory comprete with the numbers and addresses of allr the most secret, secret agents in all Europe. Neeko hands a black book marked TOP SECRET to Bobby #1. Neeko : And if you still don’t berieve me, take a rook at this. Neeko retrieves yet another booklet. This one is marked SPY PROFILES. He flips through the book until he comes to a picture and bio of Linguine. Neeko : See, that me right there. Neeko hands the open book to Bobby #1 who hands the other items to his partner. Bobby #1 : That doesn’t even look like you. Neeko : Ret me see that. Of course it doesn’t rook rike me. I am after allr in disguise you know. Bobby #1: ( confused ) Look, I don’t want any trouble Lieutenant. Can I just see your license? Neeko : You cannot. Bobby #1 : Why not? Neeko : Because it is crassified! If I show you, I have to killr you, you know! Callr Lord Wayneright, he willr verify everything. Bobby #2 : Lord Wayneright? Who’s he? Neeko : Who is Lord Wayneright?! Onry the Chief Administrator of allr Interpolr in Europe, you imbecile. Callr him, ( pointing to the black book ) he’s in the book. Bobby #1 : ( to Bobby #2 ) Check it out. Bobby #2 goes to the police car and pulls a mobile phone through the open window. He finds Wayneright’s number in the black book and dials. INT, Wayneright’s office, daytime. The office is regal. Wayneright is seated at his huge hardwood desk. There are two phones, one black, one red. The red phone rings and Wayneright answers immediately. Lord Wayneright : Wayneright here......what? ( rising to his feet ) What?! How did you get this number?!! INT, Ms. Tittles reception desk - outside Wayneright’s office, daytime. Tittle is wearing a telephone headset, eavesdropping on the phone call. From the other room Wayneright bellows... Lord Wayneright / V.O. : LINGUINE!! Tittle laughs so hard that she falls backwards out of her chair and disappears behind her desk. CUT BACK TO: The Gremlin. Bobby #2 returns from his phone call. He is holding his ear and whincing. Bobby #1 : Well? Bobby #2 : ( holding ear ) What? Bobby #1 : What did he say? Bobby #2 : His story checks out. They said not to detain him. He really is on a mission. Neeko : Yes, we realry are on mission. Bobby #2 : ( holding ear ) What? Bobby #1 : Please accept my apologies, Lieutenant. ( handing back the SPY PROFILES book ) You’re free to go. Neeko : Prease, ( autographs the booklet and hands it back ) keep it, my compriments. Bobby #1 : Why, thank you, sir. Remember to use your turn signals from now on. Bobby #2 : What? Asia presses the button to close Neeko’s window. Bobby #2 : Nice disguise. We ought to try something like that. Bobby #1 : Accent needs work. Bobby #2 : ( still holding ear ) What? Asia : Lieutenant, don’t forget your turn signal. Neeko : ( pulling back on the road ) Of course. ( under breath ) Mooncalf pigs. Neeko clicks down one of the many levers on the steering column, thinking it is the turn signal. The Gremlin’s left tail light flips down and a rocket bursts out of the port hole. It hits the idle police car and erupts in a ball of fire. The dumbstruck bobbies watch helplessly as their vehicle goes up in flames. Neeko and Asia drive through the airport gates, oblivious. EXT, airport parking lot, daytime. Neeko and Asia circle the parking lot, looking for a vacant space. Asia : There’s never a parking space when you need one. Neeko : We’re going to miss our flight. Asia : There, look! That car’s going to back out. Quick, back up, before someone else gets it. Neeko : Okay, okay, I see it. Neeko positions the Gremlin, ready to get the spot when the lady pulls out. However, she takes her sweet time. She can’t find her keys. She adjusts her mirrors. She checks her makeup and decides to apply fresh lipstick. Asia : Oh, come on lady. Neeko : Yeah, come on rady. Asia : I can’t take anymore. Watch this. Asia activates a knob on the console and a lighted “heads up” display magically appears on their windshield. It reads; ELECTRO MAGNETIC TRACTOR BEAM ACTIVATED in bold blue letters. Asia maneuvers a mouse-like device on the console and the windshield display changes to TARGET SELECTED. A computerized likeness of the target car appears on their windshield, then the words, TRACTOR BEAM LOCKED ON TARGET. Asia : Okay lady, it’s time to move your butt! Slowly and deliberately, Asia moves the mouse across the pad. With that, the lady’s car starts rolling backwards. The driver is startled. Frantically she tries to stop her car! She pumps the brakes! Nothing. She sets the emergency brake! Nothing.
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Copyright © 1999 Tony Mossor |