Judas Is A Good Kisser (4) So, I think, maybe, I want my $250 back. PACO I'm out of bright dialogue. 2ND That's fine, but I want my $250 back. PACO No. 2ND Look, I just did you a solid at considerable risk and I want my $250 back. PACO pulls out a meat thermometer. It's a spike, thin as a bicycle spoke, with a dial thermometer stuck on one end. It fits into a plastic tube like a ball point pen. PACO sticks it through the 2ND MURDERER's eye, deep into HIS brain. The thermometer reads 98.6. THE 2ND MURDERER is in a zombie-like stupor. Jerkily, HE turns and walks to a door. HE opens it and walks out. The thermometer reads 95 and falling. 53 JOEL That was the closet. PACO That's also true. EXT> STREET (BLUSTERY) JESSE and HENCHMEN, TIRSO, LOPE and JORGE, standing around and waiting. TIRSO It's cold out here. How long you want to wait? JESSE Long as it takes. TIRSO Let's go in and get him. What's the big deal? JESSE You ever do any house to house fighting?, it's a good way to get killed. We wait. JORGE comes up carrying 4 containers of coffee on a cardboard tray. HE holds out a cup, but JESSE shakes HIS head. JORGE Cafe con leche, the way you like it, from the Cuban Chinese. JESSE My kidneys, kidney, wont handle it. JORGE shrugs then drinks the coffee himself. HE goes into convulsions and falls over dead. TIRSO I think we got a problem. 54 INT> JOEL"S OFFICE SOMEONE is climbing down from the floor above. HIS feet rest on the outside window ledge. PACO grabs HIS ankles, pulls HIM loose and shoves HIM out into space. HE falls without a sound. JOEL In the movies they always scream. PACO Was ist der Realitie? JOEL I got a feeling you're about to find out. Nothing slows you down, does it?, you'll sit up in your coffin to make one more smart ass remark. PACO I'm sitting up in my coffin right now. JOEL Like, for example. The radio is on to something loony like BAI. It's playing dance music from the time of Pretorius. JOEL AND PACO get up and start dancing a stately minuet, talking continually. The music changes to some forgotten show tune and, suddenly, THEY are backed up by a DANCING CHORUS OF FEMALE INMATES: a kinkier version of the dance number in HIGH HEELS by Almodovar. It all lasts until PACO's line "He's here", then THEY sit down and look disgusted with Themselves and each other. PACO Writing History usually does come down to telling stories because otherwise it's unreadable. There are differences, but the basic stuff is the same. You select the events you decide are important and say that Event A is the cause of Event B. The only difference is style. If it's boring enough, you think it's real. 55 JOEL Is it real? PACO Yeah, fear is boring too. JOEL So, how'd you get AIDS?, I missed that part. PACO The usual way. JOEL How was it? PACO I thought it would be better. There was this girl. Her last lover had sodomized her and she felt humiliated by that. The experience haunted her. The 3rd time I heard the story I figured something had to be done so, I told her: I dont know the answer, but I have a solution: I'll get you a strap on dildo and you can sodomize me. So, we did. It wasn't that bad and it drove her crazy which was kind of cute. The next morning, she called me: "How are you?" I'm fine. "Any regrets?" This time I did know the answer: Oh, no, after... after everything I will love you always. JOEL You caught AIDS from a dildo? PACO That was last time. JOEL And you gave it to your brother? and he's coming here? Jesus, call him Jesse, it makes him happy. He's coming here? 56 PACO He's here. JOEL I think maybe you should take this somewhere else. PACO You already know too much to live, why dont you relax? JOEL You're going to kill me aren't you? PACO No, I'm going to kill Jesse and frame the robber girl for his murder. JOEL How do you do that? PACO I cant unless they're both here at the same time so, I just have to wait. JOEL I'm glad you told me. PACO Why, was it supposed to be a secret? It was obvious as soon as you said, no one's going to listen to anything she has to say. JOEL You kill him, what about the rest of us? PACO You have to back up my story. In return, I pay you whatever is appropriate. 57 JOEL What if it isn't appropriate? PACO Then I have to kill all of you. You understand, it's nothing personal. JOEL Nothing personal? If it's nothing personal, shoot someone else, you asshole! PACO You're being unreasonable. JOEL I dont want to shoot you. PACO Shoot me?, you couldn't get a parking ticket fixed. The phone rings. JOEL answers it. JOEL We-Never-Sleep-Bailbond-Agency, we'll have you back on the street in 5 minutes. Yeah, he's here... Give me a five minute head start, I'd give a dog that much. HE hangs up. JOEL Well, I'm leaving. I'm closing up the office. PACO You cant, you're waiting for Murray. JOEL Right. PACO What time does he get here? 58 JOEL He's always late. PACO He's never late. JOEL It feels like he's always late. PACO You ought to pay more attention to the ways in which you're being humiliated. You complain about things that dont exist you begin to think it's all in your head. JOEL I think that did it. THEY draw THEIR guns simultaneously. A DOMINATRIX walks in. SHE's wearing spiky black boots, top hat and a red patent leather riding habit. She carries a gigantic riding crop and drags a wheeled hobby horse on a rhinestone leash. SHE's come for a bailbond. The transaction is completed without a word. SHE leaves, THEY re-holster THEIR guns and sit down exhausted. JOEL Was ist der Realitie? LOBSTERS crawl out from under the desk. JOEL sprays them with a can of Raid. At this point, the door is kicked in. THEY draw their guns simultaneously. MURRAY AND WILLIS enter with THE GIRL in handcuffs. SHE's wearing a T-shirt that says: WHEN YOU SEE TRASH, PICK IT UP. No one is glad to see PACO. MURRAY When do we leave? 59 JOEL As soon as Eldon shows up to get paid. MURRAY Alright, who wants to play some gin, you? GIRL I'll play. MURRAY You got any money? GIRL No. MURRAY Forget it, nothing on credit here. MURRAY AND JOEL sit down to play. WILLIS I'll advise. GIRL Can we take these things off now, please? MURRAY Sure, Honey. HE unlocks the handcuffs. JOEL Captain Jesus has a contract out on him and they know he's here. MURRAY Is that true? PACO Well, yes. MURRAY He's not going to walk in on 4 armed men. 60 EXT> SHOOTING GALLEY NAKED WOMEN RUN BY WEARING JFK MASKS. MURRAY has a street sweeper shotgun and blasts THEM one by one. As each of THEM is hit, HER HEAD disappears (simple matte work) and the body falls over stiff as a broom. CUT TO: INT> POLICE COMBAT RANGE (BRIGHT) This one has pop up targets, all of them FASHIONABLE WOMEN. MURRAY blows THEM away in sequence until the last: A SCOWLING OLD WOMAN WITH HER HANDS CROSSED ON HER CHEST. MURRAY Mother! CUT TO: INT> JOEL"S OFFICE MURRAY pulls out a S&W combat magnum and yo-yo's the cylinder in the B-movie manner. PACO You ought to stop that George Raft shit, you're going to throw the cylinder out of alignment. MURRAY I dont like you. PACO So what? MURRAY Yeah. JOEL So he rolls a grenade in through the door. 61 PACO Is that the worst thing you can think of? Maybe, he'll kidnap, castrate you and sell you into the Sultan's harem. JOEL That doesn't sound so bad. WILLIS It's hard to tell when you two are serious. JOEL Serious?, Death Wish here is going to get us all killed. WILLIS You really shouldn't fall all over yourself trying to sell him out. JOEL Hey, Honey, you want a lawyer, there's a good one. GIRL You a lawyer? PACO Yeah, what do they have you on? GIRL I'll talk to you in private. PACO Murray, can I talk to this girl outside for a minute? MURRAY Cant do it, Councillor, really, I cant. 62 PACO I turned on the radio, alright? MURRAY You understand, councillor. PACO Yeah, yeah. GIRL I cant escape any easier with the music. MURRAY What? GIRL I said, I cant... MURRAY Honey, you're going to be laughing with teeth jangling in a minute. GIRL What? PACO That's alright, dont pay any attention. MURRAY Yeah. JOEL Pick that card up on put it down. MURRAY Look, if you really want, we can take you straight to the joint. GIRL Nobody wants to go straight to the joint. 63 MURRAY So, we'll take the whole night we'll lay some bread on you and it will be alright, alright? GIRL I guess. PACO AND THE GIRL huddle. TWO WOMEN AND A MAN come in for a bail bond. WILLIS handles it. WILLIS Murray, these people want a receipt. MURRAY How many times I told you? He works at one of those high class places on St. Nicholas Ave. where they give receipts. Here we dont give receipts. And the we collect it again. And then we go to the hospital. And then we when we get out we leave town. Where's that receipt book. HE makes one out. MAN Well, okay. MURRAY Thank you, come back again soon. MAN Yeah. See you, man. Thank you. THEY leave. WILLIS 10 People like that and you can retire. THE GIRL whispers to MURRAY 64 MURRAY We want to go to the bathroom. JOEL throws HIM the key. WILLIS Be sure to get adjoining seats. THEY leave. JOEL Any chance of getting her off? PACO 1000 to 1. JOEL For or against? PACO Against. JOEL She sign anything? PACO Everything. They've got signed statements and video tapes and everything they need. JOEL She can repudiate her confession. WILLIS Except that, in her confession she said a lot more than she was asked. Enough to establish her presence at the crime and that's evidence no matter what she says after. JOEL Dont they have any more sense? 65 WILLIS No, as a matter of fact, they dont have any more sense. PACO Shut up and deal. WILLIS When are you leaving? PACO Soon, any way, your friend looks like a rotten lay. WILLIS She is a rotten lay, but I spent $5000 finding her, I want to take something for it. With HIS eyes closed and mouth open, JOEL is wadding up a pastrami sandwich with the tips of HIS fingers. HE moans softly. PACO and MURRAY stare at HIM sadly, THEY're too embarrassed even to exchange a glance. PACO Having a good time in there? JOEL It feels like wet kleenex or, maybe, a used carnation. TWO MICE IN THE CORNER are staring at HIM in astonishment. Out the window clouds are coming closer impossibly fast as HE kneads the bread. PACO That's good bread, I mean, it was. Poppy seeds, even. JOEL I'm trying to experience it. 66 PACO Try eating it. JOEL I tried that. It didn't work. This all very important. I'm getting I dont want to miss out on it, I want to experience all of this. PACO Any luck? JOEL No. HE pulls open HIS shirt, pulls the bread of the sandwich and wipes HIS armpits with it. Whee!, that mustard tingles. PACO Hey, you know, you really live life to full. I think I should say that. JOEL draws HIS gun, whirls and fires 6 shots out the window. WILLIS and PACO sigh as if it had been a mild act of bad taste. PACO Well, you dont have to do it all right now. WILLIS Maybe, you should take a pill. JOEL I dont want a pill. PACO But will you settle for it? JOEL No, I got to rape the robber girl hoydena in half an hour. 67 MURRAY roars in, gun drawn, dragging the GIRL EVERYONE has HIS gun out but doesn't know where to point it. THEY stare each other down then re-holster THEIR guns. MURRAY Alright, what happened? JOEL My gun went off while I was cleaning it. MURRAY 6 times? JOEL I clean it thoroughly, that's all. MURRAY That's alright, Honey, dont pay any attention. THE GIRL gestures that SHE wants to make a phone call. WILLIS nods. SHE dials 3 different numbers before SHE gets an answer. MURRAY is staring at the food. JOEL There's 2 pastrami left, one without bread. WILLIS And potato salad. MURRAY Potato salad? You could spackle a wall with that. Why do you eat such shit? JOEL They're around the corner. MURRAY Then move the office. JOEL I move the office, I'm out of business. In fact, I'm out of business, we're all going to die. 68 MURRAY Explain. JOEL I cant put it into words. MURRAY I'm afraid of things with names Knife, gun, federal tax audit, The Creature from The Black Lagoon, even that's got a name, if you cant put it into words, I'm not worried about it. JOEL throws in HIS hand. WILLIS and MURRAY start to play.THE GIRL is still talking on the phone. JOEL starts whispering to PACO. JOEL You have no right to do to kill me, would you agree on that. PACO It's not my choice, it's forced on me by chance. JOEL Then leave it to who got you into it. PACO Chance? JOEL Yeah, settle it by tossing a coin. PACO Alright, heads. HE tosses a coin. It comes up tails. HE turns it over. JOEL You cheated. PACO That's true. 69 JOEL It's strange that we can still dream. I mean, dreams are still alright. PACO Oh, there's always a loophole, if you know how to play it. Yeah, you remember that time I got my hair cut and everybody JOEL told me how much younger I looked. So, I dreamt my mother was still alive. She was about 70 when she died, and she had her hair done and after that she looked exactly like this 20-year old WASP waitress and I am balling her and I cant find her clitoris and she is getting progressively more and more pissed off. PACO That says it all. GIRL Murray, can Maurice come up here? MURRAY What is this guy? a trick, Honey? GIRL He wants to bring me some money. MURRAY He can bring it tomorrow when we got you safe. GIRL
Copyright © 1999 Victoria King |