Judas Is A Good Kisser (2) except that transplants from a live donor have a better chance of success. PACO I'm your brother. JESSE My own brother is killing me because he wont give up a kidney to save my life. PACO Right here? JESSE In three days. HE hands JESSE an appointment slip. JESSE (continuing) You got an appointment tomorrow. They got to run some tests, make sure you dont have AIDS. PACO I'm not gay. JESSE You would be if you had any integrity. CUT TO: INT> HOSPITAL (BRIGHT AND SCARY) A DOCTOR is drawing PACO's blood and running some routine tests. 2 NURSES WITH THEIR UNIFORMS HALF UNBUTTONED are clutching each other and staring fixedly off screen. 19 PACO How about, I bring in another kidney and you use it instead but you say it was mine? DOC Laws against that. In fact, therehasn't been a trial for witchcraft in this state for 300 years, but I think that might qualify. PACO I've been doing some reading. You held a symposium on organ traffic last year. In Bellagio, Italy, but the proceedings were never published. DOC It would only fuel public paranoia on the subject. Stories of waking up in a bathtub full of ice with your kidneys hijacked, that's the most popular urban folktale. PACO And the names of the participants were never made public. DOC Same reason, cant have them badgered by cranks with conspiracy theories. PACO There's another explanation: You were afraid that one of them might talk. Say, from a country without anything equivalent to the AMA. DOC Believe what you like. 20 PACO But it would be easy to get their names, just send a PI to Bellagio and have him check the hotel registers for the time of the conference to see which doctors attended. And the results weren't to be published so, one of them must have made a tape recording of the proceedings. DOC Whose kidney were you thinking of using? PACO How much do you really want to know? DOC Just get yourself a pair of poultry shears, the kind you use to cut up a turkey. And the kidneys are easy to miss, they're under a flap of fat at the back. PACO Gotcha. CUT TO: INT> SHRINK"S OFFICE (WARM AND MELLOW) PACO is on the couch. THE SHRINK is a mannishly good-looking woman in her 40's. SHRINK I dont believe it. PACO You said that. SHRINK That was a horrible disgusting story. 21 PACO Yes, it was and you're right not to believe it. SHRINK No wonder you dont have any friends. You give up a kidney to save your brothers life. I really dont see what's so terrible about that. PACO While I'm at why dont you get a boob job? SHRINK Look at what happened to Mariel Hemingway. PACO Dont you mean Margaux? SHRINK Mariel. She was very flat chested, but that only made her seem vulnerable and in a way even more feminine. She got a boob job for Star 80 and suddenly she was just one more bimbo. PACO Are you trying to say, you think you look vulnerable? SHRINK I think I look feminine. PACO And you think you'd look less feminine with bigger breasts. SHRINK It's depersonalizing, like any other type of uniform. PACO Its depersonalizing that he wants to use me for spare parts. 22 SHRINK It's not your balls, it isn't your right arm. What if it were a fingernail would that bother you? PACO It feels like he's trying to steal my soul. SHRINK You dont have a soul. I keep trying to build you one, but it keeps coming apart in my hands. PACO Enough of this for one day. CUT TO: EXT> FUNERAL HOME (NIGHT) PACO parks. THE 1ST MURDERER runs by with A TEENAGE STARLET slung over HIS shoulder. HE's being chased by VILLAGERS carrying torches and pitchforks. PACO jumps out with a legal brief in each hand. HE gets between THE 1ST MURDERER and THE VILLAGERS. PACO Well, now that you're all here, we're going to have a reading of a one act play I wrote and it's very nice and I know you'll like it. THE VILLAGERS throw down their torches and pitchforks and run for their lives. PACO That always works. But when HE turns around, THE 1ST MURDERER is gone. 23 INT> MEDICAL SUPPLY STORE (MORNING) PACO is buying a doctor's whites and a stethoscope to hang around HIS neck. CUT TO: INT> HOSPITAL OPERATING ROOM An operation is in progress. PACO slithers in wearing rubber gloves and face mask. SURGEON. That's it, sew him up. PACO waves everyone out. HE's alone with THE PATIENT. PACO pulls out a pair of poultry shears and starts rummaging around in THE PATIENTS torso. HE's finding the kidneys by a process of elimination. HE keeps chopping out pieces and throwing them away. HE tucks the kidneys in a dogie bag and runs for it. HE finds AN OLD LADY IN A WHEEL CHAIR and starts rolling HER away as a cover story. SHE doesn't want to go. HE clubs HER unconscious with a fire extinguisher and heads for the back elevators. CUT TO: EXT> STREET (DAY) PACO is galloping along with THE OLD LADY hanging half way out of the wheel chair. BY this time, the hospital staff is in full pursuit. HE rolls HER in front of a bus to create a distraction and takes off running. CUT TO: 24 EXT> THE BLACK MUSLIM TEMPLE AT 125TH (DAY) PACO is chased inside. EVERYONE ELSE, including THE POLICE, is afraid to follow. PACO runs past the desk at the entrance and THE FLOWER OF ISLAM BOYS CLOSE in. Obviously, THEY intend to kill HIM. 1ST FLOWER You dis-respected our desk! PACO hands HIM the kidney container. 1ST opens it and stares inside. After several minutes of study, HE hands it to FLOWER 2. THEY both have very serious expressions. 2 hands it back to 1. 1ST FLOWER So, that's the way it goes down. I'm Kareem, sorry for the mis- understanding, but you know how it is. PACO Sure. KAREEM That's Mahmoud. MAHMOUD pops HIS gum and smiles at HIM. PACO Listen, Kareem, I'm glad to meet you and all, but I've got to get out of here fast. They'll be 2 here any minute now. KAREEM The Beat? PACO Yeah. YEAH. That's right THE BEAST. KAREEM You know, I'm not surprised. No, I'm not surprised at all. 25 PACO You're not? KAREEM No, I can see why the Devil would be after his heart. PACO It's a kidney. KAREEM I can see it because I never really believed it. No matter what they said, I knew he couldn't really be dead and this heart proves it. This heart is proof that he never really died. PACO Who? Who never really died? KAREEM The King, bro ,THE KING. Elvis. I knew the second I saw it that the heart was Elvis's, I expected it, bro. I knew El Gran Rey Del Castillo would be back. I knew they couldn't keep him down. PACO It's so true. KAREEM Other men may have lost faith, but not me, bro. I got a statue of him on my dash, porcelain not plastic, hand painted! Right next to the Madonna and Shango! PACO Well, I'm glad you understand then. Glad you understand how important it is to protect the heart. We've got to move fast, though, if we want to save it. 26 KAREEM This way. HE leads HIM up to the roof. There's A WHITE HORSE WITH A PEACOCK TAIL AND THE FACE OF A WOMAN. KAREEM picks up PACO and places HIM in the saddle. PACO looks shocked. KAREEM It's rented for the movie. You know, Industrial light and Magic. And THE WHITE HORSE flies PACO away. CUT TO: INT> HALLWAY OUTSIDE PACO"S APARTMENT PACO is exhausted. JESSE AND COHORTS are Waiting for HIM. JESSE That was real cute. You knew an unmatched kidney would kill me. PACO That was the idea. JESSE And you thought the Doc would be more afraid of you than of me. Not smart. PACO That part sounds true. JESSE So, Chulo and Machito will keep you company until it's time to get cut up. PACO Thanks. PACO walks in to HIS apartment and feeds the kidneys to HIS cat. CUT TO: 27 INT> HALLWAY OUTSIDE PACO"S APT. HE walks out. CHULO AND MACHITO close in. PACO Feel like taking a walk. CHULO We come with you. PACO Sure, why not? And HE takes off running. CUT TO: EXT> STREET (DAY) PACO is being chased by CHULO and MACHITO. HE runs into a supermarket drugstore and plays peekaboo around the aisles. HE runs through the toy department and grabs a bag of marbles with MACHITO right behind HIM. HE changes aisles and runs straight into CHULO. HE tears the electronic label off the marbles and slaps it on CHULO's back then takes off out the door with CHULO AND MACHITO right behind HIM. The electronic label sets off the alarm as THEY charge through the gate and THE SECURITY GUARDS leap on CHULO. PACO is running down the middle of the sidewalk with MACHITO closing in. HE rips open the bag of marbles and throws them behind HIM. MACHITO does a somersault and lands neatly on the nape of HIS NECK. HE lays there stunned and PACO recedes into the distance. CUT TO: EXT> IRT EL (NIGHT) PACO is running along the rails. It's at this point we lose MACHITO. HE falls off and down to the street. 28 But CHULO is an Indian, HE runs putting one foot in front of another and HE's gaining. PACO has to shinny down the pillarsto get away from HIM. CHULO goes down with one foot between the railroad ties and lands with a badly sprained ankle. PACO keeps going. HE staggers out to the street. It looks like the Bronx. It looks awful. And it looks deserted. The only lights on are the street lamps and some fuzzy green neon in the distance. Outside of that, absolute blackness. PACO keeps walking, The neon gets closer. It's a bar called NUMBERS. Something's a little wrong, but it doesn't get obvious until he gets inside. It's a gay bar. CUT TO: INT> TRANSVESTITE BAR (NIGHT) PACO staggers in. PACO Grappa. BARTENDER Granpa? Old Grandad? PACO looks around. THE WOMEN are cute, but THEY all have 4 o'clock shadow. HE starts to leave then sits back down, exhausted. HIS reflection is pointing the same way HE is. HE's looking at the back of HIS head. On the wall is Belmer's "Peppermint Stick For Greedy Little Girls". PACO Forget it. How about a frozen daiquiri with a diet coke chaser? BAR Sure, Honey. 29 PACO I thought they only had places like this on 12th Avenue. BAR Doesn't matter where it is, people will travel for it. PACO I'm here sort of by accident. BAR You dont have to explain anything to me, but I thought you half and halfs were too worried about AIDS. PACO AIDS? BAR Well, dont worry. You cant catch it by getting your thingee slurped. There's something in the saliva that kills the virus. PACO Saliva. BAR Is that a gun? PACO Gay bashers, you know. BAR Except for HIV 5, the one that's wiping out Thailand, that thrives in saliva. PACO Yeah, saliva. What about the one on the end with the ulcers on her face covered up with cake batter. BAR Miss Phyllis LoveBoot, the skeleton at the feast. I dont like them to coming here when they're that far gone. 30 BAR(continuing) People dont come to a bar like this to be reminded of that. If she gets on your nerves... PACO No, she's perfect. BAR I can tell you got compassion. Well, you wont catch it unless you take from behind without a raincoat. PACO Only from my brother. BAR That's a joke, right? PACO Yeah, a joke. HE moves toward MISS PHYLLIS. SHE smiles at HIM. BAR She's got hepatitis too. PACO I think I'm in love. HE sits down next to IT. THEY start talking. HE/SHE starts off flirtatious then horrified. PHYLLIS That's insane. 29 PACO I thought you girls liked to spread it around. Trying to take as many people with you as you can. PHYLLIS Get him away, he's a basher, he's going to kill me. PACO No, Baby, I just want to catch AIDS. 31 PHYLLIS That's a lousy way to commit suicide. PACO No, it's murder. HE whispers something to HE/SHE. PHYLLIS Oh, my God. Oh alright, come on. THEY exit together. CUT TO: INT> BOUTIQUE FITTING ROOM (NIGHT) It's a boot and corset boutique called SPANK. PHYLLIS AND PACO are post coital. PHYLLIS Any regrets? PACO Oh, no, after everything, I will love you always. PHYLLIS Bitch. PACO You murdered me, I murdered my brother. It felt like taking a good shit, which is generally under rated. For a moment, I forgot that I exist and that's beautiful. PHYLLIS It was good for me too. I hate homosexuals. PACO That could be a problem. 32 PHYLLIS They're all so feminine, no matter how butch they are. There's always this whiny, bitchy subtext. Little girls dressing up in their mother's clothes. I like men. You've got balls big and brown as duck eggs. PACO Bon appetit, I'm out of here. CUT TO: EXT> STREET (DAWN) PACO is having trouble walking. HE sits down on a park bench and immediately leaps up in pain. Cause and effect are easy to put together. HE's trying to go home. CHULO AND MACHITO close in on HIM. CHULO is on crutches and MACHITO is in a motorized wheel chair. THEY dont carry automatic weapons that might damage internal organs. CHULO has a machete and MACHITO has a medieval halberd. It looks like a can opener on a long pole. PACO Well, now that you're all here, we're going to have a reading of a one act play I wrote and it's very nice and I know you'll like it. THEY club HIM semi-conscious. PACO lets himself be led away and into a black van. CHULO throws down a ramp. MACHITO rolls up, pulls it in after HIM and closes the door. The van roars away. CUT TO: INT> HOSPITAL (BRIGHT AND SCARY) Series of shots showing PACO being prepped for surgery and then the kidney transplant. CUT TO: 33 INT> HOSPITAL ROOM (BRIGHT) PACO wakes up in bed with HIS side sliced open and stapled shut. CHE is shaking HIM awake. CHE drops a leather shoulder bag on the bed. It spills open. It's full of $100 bills. CHE That's 100,000. You like that better. You got anything to say? PACO Not really. CHE snorts in disgust and slams out the door. PACO gets out of bed shakily, HE gets dressed and sneaks out. HE steals an orderlies uniform from a supply closet and makes it down the back stairs to the street. HE's in considerable pain and punchy from the drugs, but nothing is going to stop HIM. CUT TO: INT> OUTSIDE PACO"S SHRINK"S APT. HE knocks, SHE opens the door. SHRINK I dont see any point in continuing this. I take your money and dont do anything for you. PACO I've been telling you that for 5 years. You told me to trust you, that all kinds of wonderful things were happening and I was unaware of them. What do you know now that you didn't know 5 years ago? SHRINK That you're incapable of learning from anyone? PACO He's got it. It's inside him. 34 SHRINK I suppose it is an emergency, come in. HE does and gingerly lays down on the couch. SHE sits down behind HIM. SHRINK And how do you feel about that? PACO Dirty. A woman who was raped couldn't feel worse than that. I have to kill him. SHRINK Rape victims usually end thinking that they had it coming. But you did have it coming and you're baffled by it, that you might owe something to anyone. PACO Then I'll have to kill myself. It's the only way I can stop him from getting my other kidney. HE starts to cry. THE SHRINK gets up and joins HIM on the couch. SHRINK Wait, I suppose it's time I did something therapeutic for you. PACO It's alright, Mummy, I'm just practicing for when I grow up to be a gynecologist. SHRINK No, wait, I dont like it from behind. PACO Please, Mummy, just this once. SHRINK I mean, I do, but I always get the most tremendous diarrhea afterward. 35 PACO Dont let everyone know we're fighting. THE SAME 20 MINUTES LATER THEY're sitting up smoking in post coital depression. SHRINK
Copyright © 1999 Victoria King |