Feets (2) GATES Did you work him in the house, or in the field? The Colonel sips his drink. THE COLONEL The house. You see business takes me away a lot, and I don't get to spend much time with my boy. I bought Jacques to tutor Junior in the social graces, speaking proper French, and such. But -- it just led to some darkie foolishness. Willie's jaws tighten. GATES Such as? THE COLONEL Well, I told Jacques ... FLASHBACK: INT. THE COLONEL'S OFFICE - DAY. THE COLONEL (CONT'D) ... I've had enough of this. Either you expose Junior to classical culture or, I'll expose you to the cotton fields. JACQUES Certainly, Master. By next week, Little Master will be conversant with the rigorous calvinism of Calvin Broadus, and the philosophy of the venerable O'Shea Jackson. THE COLONEL Now, that's more like it. INT. JUNIOR'S ROOM - DAY. Jacques shows JUNIOR. a picture of Calvin Broadus (a.k.a. Snoop Doggy Dogg). Shrugs. Points to a poster of O'Shea Jackson (a.k.a. Ice Cube). Gives a "thumbs up." END FLASHBACK. INT. THE COLONEL'S OFFICE - DAY. THE COLONEL When I come to find out, what he was up to ... Willie smiles. The Colonel POUNDS the desktop. THE COLONEL (CONT'D) ... I had a cuff put on him. GATES So, he up an' ran off? THE COLONEL Not till last night. I just donated him to Confederate Television. Can't figure how he found out so quick. GATES Is there anything else, you think I oughtta know? THE COLONEL No, but I was wondering ... The Colonel walks over to Willie. Closely examines the black slavecatcher. THE COLONEL (CONT'D) ... how'd you boys get into slavecatching? Gates taps the Colonel on the shoulder. GATES I had an uncle in the business. The Colonel brushes off the spot that Gates has just touched. THE COLONEL (to Willie) And you? WILLIE This was the best payin' job I could get. THE COLONEL Ever think of going north? WILLIE Well Suh, my wife and chill'un is on the Butler plantation. I respects property rights, so I'm buyin' 'em from Massa Rhett. I only gots ta make three more payments, den dey's free. THE COLONEL Free -- you know I'd love to be free. Between keeping one eye on my business and the other on the war, I'm the hardest working man on this plantation -- well, you boys don't want to hear my problems. GATES Sir, this ... Gates displays his gun. GATES (CONT'D) ... will solve any, and all problems. THE COLONEL Hold on now, y'all bring him back in one piece. You hear me? I paid good money for that shine, and I don't want my prime property all shot up. GATES Yes, Sir. Gates hands the Colonel his business card. GATES (CONT'D) My number is on the card, and you can always get me on the cell phone. THE COLONEL Call me when you know somethin'. EXT. THE COLONEL'S MANSION - DAY. Willie leads Drum, Mandingo, Uncle Ben, and Jemima, toward Gates. Mandingo stares at Willie. WILLIE (to Mandingo) You, eyeballin' me, boy? Mandingo looks away. WILLIE You better not be eyeballin' me. Gates moves close to Mandingo. GATES Ever talk with this here, Jack? MANDINGO Well Suh, Jack, he worked in the house so we didn't gets ta talkin' too much. Gates turns to Drum. GATES How 'bout you? Did he ever talk ta ya? DRUM Well Suh, he didn't talk much, and when he did get to talkin', he sho' talk funny. GATES What'cha ya mean, funny? DRUM Like Massa talk. GATES What did he talk about? DRUM 'Bout things. GATES What kinda things? DRUM 'Bout boats and stars. Once told me, you could look at the stars and figger where ya was goin'. Gates spins toward Mandingo GATES Did he ever talk about goin' north? Mandingo recoils. MANDINGO No, Suh. Gates turns back. Mandingo covertly flips him off. WILLIE Gates, this triflin' fool don't know nothin' 'bout no north. Most likely, da boy never been more than two miles off this here cotton patch. GATES (to Uncle Ben) How about you old man? Uncle Ben shrugs. UNCLE BEN (slowly) I'm sorry I can't help you, Suh. I don't know nothin'. GATES You worked in the house together didn't ya? UNCLE BEN Yassuh. GATES And the two of you talked, didn't ya? UNCLE BEN (slowly) Yassuh. GATES Well, what did you talk about? UNCLE BEN (very slowly) Jack would say, "Uncle Ben, please fetch a glass of lemonade for Li'll Massa." I'd go fetch the lemonade for Li'll Massa. Then Jack would say, "Thank you, Uncle Ben." GATES Why, you old ... Gates raises his hand to Uncle Ben. Willie steps between them. WILLIE Whoa, Gates. Gates, client property. We can't afford no mo' complaints. Gates turns to Jemima. GATES How 'bout you gal? She waves her frying pan under his nose. JEMIMA I fixes da food and minds my bidness. GATES This ain't gettin' us nowhere. WILLIE Ya got dat right. GATES All y'all get back to work. With a wave of his hand, Gates dismisses the slaves. WILLIE What'cha thinkin'? GATES I reckon, he's hot footin' it for Canada. WILLIE Reckon he'll lay over in Emancipation City? GATES Might as well give it a shot. Who knows? Gates shoots his cuffs. GATES (CONT'D) We might get lucky. WILLIE Yeah, we might also find Jack. EXT. COUNTRY ROAD - DAY. Jacques passes a sign: "EMANCIPATION CITY - DON'T BE HALF-STEPPING." EXT. COUNTRY ROAD - DAY. Gates and Willie pass the sign: "EMANCIPATION CITY - YOU GOT A LONG-ASSED WAY TO GO." EXT. COUNTRY ROAD - DAY. Jacques passes a sign: "EMANCIPATION CITY - YOU GOT TO KEEP ON WALKING CAUSE YOU STILL GOT SHOES." INT. THE COLONEL'S BEDROOM - NIGHT. The Colonel and Anne sit in bed. He reads the newspaper. She has a book. ANNE Colonel, do you realize we haven't had a vacation in over two years? THE COLONEL What with the war and all, I hadn't really thought about it. Where would you like to go? ANNE Well, they're having that TV auction tomorrow night. Can I bid on the trip to Emancipation City? THE COLONEL Baby doll, now what do you want to go and do that for? ANNE Oh, Colonel, I've never been. And I've heard so many stories. With just the two of us, it might be sort of -- romantic. THE COLONEL All right, if you've got your heart set on it, go ahead and bid. She kisses him. EXT. COUNTRY ROAD - DUSK. Jacques walks slowly toward a sign: "EMANCIPATION CITY - YOU CHUMP! YOU WALKED RIGHT PAST IT." Halts. Stares at the sign. Sees a smaller sign hidden by the first: "ONLY MESSING WITH YOU, EMANCIPATION CITY - JUST AROUND THE BEND." Marches over a small rise. The topless towers of Emancipation City appear in the distance. EXT. EMANCIPATION CITY - NIGHT. Jacques strides down an empty street. Ahead, a white female walks alone. HEARING footsteps, she turns around. Sees Jacques. Runs down the street disappearing into the darkness. EXT. EMANCIPATION CITY - NIGHT. A black man walks down the street. Jacques approaches him. JACQUES 'Scuse me, my man. I'm looking for, the Sty of the Blind Pig? STRANGER Keep goin' till you get to Stillman street, an' take a right. Ain't no sign, but you'll hear the music. JACQUES Appreciated. STRANGER Homes, you got a dime I can hold? JACQUES Sorry, can't help you INT. STY OF THE BLIND PIG - NIGHT. The Sty of the Blind Pig is packed with field hands, Confederates, Unionists, Chinese railroad workers, immigrants, abolitionists, quadroons, Native Americans, and Mexicans. On the Sty's sound system, "One Nation Under a Groove" by Funkadelic. Jacques eases over to the bar. BARTENDER What'll it be? JACQUES I'm looking for a guy named Kirksey. Know where I can find him? Facing away from Jacques, a muscular black man (KIRKSEY) occupies an adjacent stool. HEARING Jacques' request, he turns around. KIRKSEY I know the Kirks. Who's looking for him? JACQUES Jacques, a friend of Uncle Ben's. KIRKSEY Where you know Unc from? JACQUES I met him on the job. Kirksey gives Jacques, "the once over." KIRKSEY Looks like you just quit the gig. JACQUES There comes a time when you have to step out for yourself. KIRKSEY Yeah, easing out from de ole Colonel was one of my better moves. Anyway, I'm the Kirks, what can I do you for? JACQUES I'm looking for the Conductor ... With his index finger, Kirksey draws a line across his neck. KIRKSEY Welcome to the show. What'cha drinking? JACQUES Yukon Jack - neat. KIRKSEY Say what? JACQUES Sorry. Straight, no chaser. Kirksey motions to the bartender. KIRKSEY My man! Two shots of Yukon Jack. The drinks arrive. Kirksey drops a silver dollar on the bar. KIRKSEY Let's take a table. Kirksey and Jacques sit. Kirksey picks up his drink. KIRKSEY (CONT'D) A toast! To our brothers and sisters, lost in the wilderness of North America. Jacques downs his shot in one gulp. Kirksey sips his. KIRKSEY When the time comes, I'll hook you up. JACQUES What's wrong with right now? KIRKSEY Patience, my man. The Conductor only handles one at a time. He's got a brother in the mix. He'll book in a day or so, and then -- it'll be your shot. JACQUES With you knowing the Conductor and all, why have you not gone to Canada? KIRKSEY You know DIAL-A-SLAVE? JACQUES I've heard of it. KIRKSEY My idea. JACQUES Really? I understand there's serious cash in that game. KIRKSEY Now you know why I ain't gone to Canada. Kirksey notices LEO, a white man in his mid-forties. Dressed in black, he wears a single gold earring, and a hat set at a rakish tilt. KIRKSEY Yo, Leo! Come on over -- I want you to meet a friend of mine. Leo, this is Jack. Jack, Leo. Jacques extends his hand. Leo receives it warmly. JACQUES Pleased, to meet you. LEO Welcome to the Sty. Kirksey checks his pocket watch. KIRKSEY Leo, here, take my seat. I gotta go take care of some business. Jacques, I'll be back in a bit. Kirksey leaves. LEO So, what brings you to Emancipation City? JACQUES Had to make a move. 'Bout to get sold down the river. LEO Well, you're not the first person that's happened to. JACQUES Oh, what do you know? You immigrants have it easy. You don't to have to worry about slavery. LEO Kvetch! Always, kvetch. JACQUES Excuse me, what is this kvetch? LEO You think that I don't know anything about slavery? JACQUES You've not got a clue. LEO You people. You think that you've cornered the market on atrocity. In Poland, my family was assaulted in the streets. In Russia, we were confined in ghettos and murdered by Cossacks. You people haven't suffered that much. JACQUES What are you whining about? No one's stoning you in the streets, here. While you're living quite comfortably, my people are being bought and sold on Southern street corners. LEO You people got a free trip to America, and still, you're complaining. We paid our own way. I came here with nothing. Do you hear me! I came here with nothing! To get where I am, I've worked seven days a week for years. JACQUES What's all this rubbish about a free trip? It certainly wasn't a scenic cruise. The crowd in the Sty grows quiet. LEO See these hands! JACQUES What about 'em? LEO While your hands were swinging through the trees, these hands were sewing furs, and selling dry goods door to door. My people have overcome suffering. We've triumphed against all odds. What have you done? JACQUES We've survived over two hundred years of enslavement. And personally, I've escaped from bondage. Nobody has suffered as much as my people. LEO My people. JACQUES My people. LEO My people! JACQUES My people! A serving tray SLAMS down on the tabletop. Jacques and Leo lurch backward. SACHEEN, a Native American woman in her thirties, looms over them. SACHEEN My people! The Skins greeted you with open arms. We attempted to share. But, no! You disease-ridden plague carriers had to infest it all! The both of you can get back on your boats and sail away. If we never see the wasichu and the hasapa again, it will be too soon! Leo and Jacques are slack-jawed. Sacheen storms off. Snatching his carpetbag, Jacques hurries after her. INT. RESTROOM AREA OF THE STY - SAME. JACQUES Excuse me, I didn't mean to offend you. It's just that -- he got under my skin. SACHEEN Nobody ever means to offend. But they get so wrapped up that ... JACQUES ... they can't see past the end of their own noses -- guilty as charged, Madam. May I beg the court's forgiveness? Sacheen takes a deep breath. SACHEEN I'm sorry. I shouldn't have yelled at you. It's only that -- sometimes it gets to be a bit much. JACQUES True enough. When the pressure builds, the top's gotta pop. SACHEEN Yeah -- I guess you've just seen Mount Sacheen erupt. JACQUES Sacheen, is it? SACHEEN Yeah. JACQUES I'm Jacques. I'm new around here. SACHEEN That, I can see. JACQUES Am I that conspicuous? SACHEEN That chain doesn't exactly help you blend in. JACQUES Had to leave in a bit of a rush. Didn't have time to change. SACHEEN Looking for the Conductor? JACQUES Ah, yes. Yes, I am. SACHEEN You know who you were arguing with? Jacques grimaces. Sacheen smiles Nods her head. SACHEEN Got a place to stay? JACQUES My friend Kirksey hasn't quite sorted me out, but ... SACHEEN You mean you don't have a place. JACQUES Well to be perfectly frank, I'm afraid not. SACHEEN I'll tell you what, you can stay at my place. It's three-twenty-one Osage. The key's on a ledge over the backdoor. BARTENDER (O.S.) Hey, Sacheen, ya got drinks waitin'! SACHEEN Go on now. Go on out the alley it's quicker. And don't worry, I'll straighten things out with Leo. INT. STY BAR - SAME. Standing next to a black man, Leo on the bar. Sacheen comes over to pick up her drinks. LEO You okay? SACHEEN Fine. But we need to talk about that guy, Jacques. Leo glances at the front door. LEO Can it wait till we close? Nudges the man next to him. SACHEEN (O.S.) Sure. LEO (sotto voce) Slavecatchers. Gates and Willie take a table. Leo walks over. LEO Gentlemen, welcome back to the Sty. Mind if I join you? GATES It'd be our pleasure. LEO Care for a round on the house? GATES I don't see why not. LEO Might I suggest our new house special, the Double Club. It's couple of shots with a twist, perfect for a couple of heavy hitters, such as yourselves. GATES Sounds good to me. LEO Willie? WILLIE I'm down. Leo beckons Sacheen. LEO Please, two Clubs, for the Gentlemen. Leo turns to the slavecatchers. LEO So, what brings you back to the Sty? Gates reaches into his pocket. Takes out a wanted poster of Jacques. Hands it to Leo. GATES This one's got a thousanddollar price tag. If you can give us a hand, we can work out a split. Leo strokes his chin. LEO You know I'd love to be able to help you, but to be quite honest, all schvartes -- it's hard to tell 'em apart. Gates nods in agreement. Willie grimaces. GATES Mind if I ask around? LEO Gates, I have been helpful to you in the past, but you know the rules here. Sacheen delivers the drinks. Gates grabs her arm. GATES Ooooh, looky. Redskin. Leo puts his hand on Gates' arm. LEO Gates, she's not for sale. Gates draws back his fist. LEO (CONT'D) If you're looking for some action, let me show you a couple of hot numbers. Gates turns Sacheen loose. GATES What'cha got? Leo dials his portable telephone LEO Send Sheila and Clarissa out to my table -- bill the house account. In skintight dresses, SHEILA, a white woman, and Clarissa sashay their way toward the table. WILLIE See anybody familiar? Gates smiles. WILLIE My man. Sheila whispers into Gates' ear. Clarissa whispers into Willie's ear. Smiles spread across the slavecatchers' faces. Sheila and Clarissa lead them out the back of the Sty. Sacheen returns to clear the table. INT. SACHEEN'S KITCHEN - NIGHT. Jacques SAWS away. The blade slips. Draws blood. Jacques shifts the cuff slightly. Resumes SAWING. INT. STY - NIGHT. With Anne on his arm, the Colonel enters. LEO Why Colonel, it's good to see you. What with the war, it must be nearly two years since we've had the pleasure of your company. The Colonel quickly glances about. Anne stares at the Colonel. THE COLONEL But Sir, the pleasure is mine. LEO Such formality. Please, call me Leo -- and you must be ... THE COLONEL Please forgive my breech of conduct. Allow me to present my wife, Anne. LEO Madame, welcome to the Blind Pig. The Colonel edges backward. ANNE (to Leo) So, this is the place that I've heard so much about. The Colonel catches Sacheen's eye. LEO Oh, the Colonel has told you about us? Holding up his hand, the Colonel uses his thumb to point to his wedding ring. ANNE No. Anne turns to look at her husband, Observes his signaling. LEO Are we getting listed in the travel guides? ANNE Oh, no. It's strictly word of mouth. LEO The Sty is on the tips of tongues, throughout the South? ANNE Well, I wouldn't go that far. But I thought I'd better visit, before Robert E. Lee cleans all this up. LEO Robert E. Lee -- well, I'm not much for politics. I will tell you one thing, Colonel, if ya wanna make a couple a' bucks -- Fredericksburg. THE COLONEL Oh, no. I've sworn off betting the Blue-Grey game. LEO Think about it, Stonewall's coming off the injured list. And who's the North got? Hooker's with Sideburns. I'm tellin' ya the South's a lock. THE COLONEL That's the kind of thinking that got me wiped out at Antietam. LEO Hey, I'm just tryin' ta do ya a favor. THE COLONEL I'll bear that in mind.
Copyright © 1999 David Trotman |