Purgatory (3) DIANA No, thanks, Pete, I'll stay here and wait till you come back. PETER Oh yeah, what a good idea. (He walks out the front door) (Seconds later he walks in the back door) PETER (continuing) What you doing here, Di? I thought you were going to wait for me. DIANA Pete, has anyone told you how incredibly intelligent you are? PETER (smiling) Why, no they haven't, Di. DIANA (turning) I'm not surprised ... JIMMY I've got a better idea. NICKY My pet hamster could have a better idea. DIANA What is it? JIMMY OK - Nicky, you go to the front door, and Diana, you go to the back door. DIANA And? JIMMY And if you see anyone, wave. (Diana goes to the back door and and Nicky go to the front door) JIMMY (continuing) Nicky, what can you see? NICKY Um, yes, I can see Di standing in the back door. And she's waving. JIMMY Now what can you see, Di? DIANA I can see Nicky standing at the front door. And she's waving too. JIMMY Oh well, so much for that. OK, come back. (Diana and Nicky return to the living room) DIANA Oh, wonderful. NICKY Any other bright ideas, anyone? Well, since it looks like we're not going anywhere for a while, perhaps we can read these letters from Hermes. CUT TO: SCENE 3 (The scene opens in complete darkness, except for spotlights on Diana, Jimmy, Nicky and Pete who are standing in their pyjamas. They all look like they've just been rudely awakened) JIMMY (yawning and trying to shield his eyes from the glare) Wha - wha - what's going on? (A voice [Asclepius] sounds out from somewhere above them. It sounds rather high-pitched and unmasculine) ASCLEPIUS Time to answer a few questions. NICKY In the middle of the night? ASCLEPIUS Well, I'm sorry, Miss Bennett, but I didn't ask you to die in the middle of the night. I mean, you mortals are just so inconsiderate sometimes. NICKY I'm sorry, I'll try to remember to die during working hours next time. DIANA Excuse me, but who are you? Are you Zeus? ASCLEPIUS Me? Oh no! I'm Asclepius. DIANA What, you're the God of medicine? What are you doing doing an interrogation? ASCLEPIUS Um, well, there's always supposed to be a doctor present, and Zeus was rather busy, so ... NICKY OK, OK, can we get on with this please? ASCLEPIUS Ooh, touchy, aren't we? All right then - you read your assessments? NICKY Yeah, and I have a few questions - ASCLEPIUS Sorry, no questions. NICKY But this is the rest of our lives - JIMMY Deaths. NICKY The rest of our deaths as stake here. ASCLEPIUS I'm sorry, Miss Bennett, but if I started answering questions I'd be here for hours. NICKY OK, can we please get on with it? ASCLEPIUS Fine. Now let's see: Nicola Ann Bennett, you have been accused of committing the sins of covetousness, lust, anger and envy. How do you plead? NICKY Not guilty on all charges. (A prolonged pause. They start begin to wonder what is happening) ASCLEPIUS Sorry, your pleas on all counts is rejected. Now, Peter Michael Bennett - NICKY Hold a minute - is that it? ASCLEPIUS Indeed, Miss Bennett, you are free to go. NICKY But - but - I haven't had the chance to say anything in my defence. PETER Yeah - if you're gonna send my sister to eternal damnation you should do it properly! NICKY Yes, thank you, Pete. (to Asclepius) Surely I've got the right to defend myself, haven't I? ASCLEPIUS We are deities, Miss Bennett. We know what your defence is and we have considered it. And now we have reached our judgement. You are free to leave. NICKY You mean I can go back home? ASCLEPIUS I mean you can go back to bed. NICKY And then what? ASCLEPIUS Oh, I'll finish here and then I'll probably have a light supper and a nice mug of hot chocolate - NICKY No, I mean, what'll happen to me? ASCLEPIUS Oh, we'll send you a ferry ticket through the post. NICKY What ferry ticket? ASCLEPIUS Don't you read your Greek Mythology then? To get you across the River Styx to Hades, of course. What did you intend to do, swim across? NICKY But who pays the ferryman? Don't I have to give him a coin or something? ASCLEPIUS No, madam, he doesn't take cash any more. Security risk. NICKY Why? Who's going to rob him? ASCLEPIUS Please can we carry on? I've another five hundred people to get through before dawn. Now where was I? Ah yes. Peter Michael Bennett, you have been accused of sloth, envy and covetousness. How do you plead? PETER Not guilty. (Long pause) ASCLEPIUS Plea accepted on all counts. Congratulations, you are saved. DIANA Him? Saved? What sort of justice is that? ASCLEPIUS He's too incognisant to recognise his own sinfulness, Miss Forster. NICKY You're saying my brother's too stupid to know that what he was doing was wrong? This is a farce! I demand to see Zeus now! ASCLEPIUS I'm sorry, Zeus can't be here. NICKY I don't care, I demand the right to a fair hearing. ASCLEPIUS Oh I don't know. You mortals don't know how much trouble you are. Back in the old days it was nice'n'easy - just tell 'em what the verdict was and they just accepted it. Now they all don't believe in a deity anymore and they got this idea in their heads that they've got rights and we've got to give them all a hearing and everything. It'd make everything so much easier if things were like they were back in the old days. PETER You mean when Maggie Thatcher was PM? NICKY I still demand a proper hearing. ASCLEPIUS Oh, OK, what d'you want to say? NICKY I mean, these charges - you say I'm guilty of anger because I threw a punch at some girl who spilt some drink on me at a party. And lust because I really fancied Di's last boyfriend and tried to entice him away from her - DIANA You didn't tell me about this, Nicky. NICKY Well of course I wasn't going to come up to you and say, "Oh hello, Di, and by the way, can Ricky and I make out together?" DIANA But you knew how much I loved Ricky - ASCLEPIUS Please ladies can we move on? Diana Mary Foster, you have been accused of committing the sins of pride, lust, anger and covetousness. How do you plead? DIANA Why, not guilty. (Another prolonged pause) ASCLEPIUS Sorry, your plea to the charge of anger has been accepted, but your pleas to the charges of pride, anger and covetousness aren't accepted. NICKY This is a farce. ASCLEPIUS A farce, Miss Bennett? DIANA Hold a minute - you let Nicky have her say. ASCLEPIUS Oh, not you as well. I'm never going to finish here on time. DIANA You can always come back next week? ASCLEPIUS Look, just one more and then I'm finished, OK? James Matthew Cousins, you are accused of the sins of Pride, Anger and Envy. How do you plead? JIMMY Guilty on all charges. DIANA Guilty, Jimmy? JIMMY What difference does it make? Let's see what happens. ASCLEPIUS Oh, very well, guilty on all charges it is. Since you've obviously accepted your guilt, do you repent freely of your sins? JIMMY Um, well, yes I suppose so. ASCLEPIUS Is that a yes or a no? JIMMY It's a yes then. ASCLEPIUS Yes what? JIMMY Yes, I repent my sins. ASCLEPIUS All of them? JIMMY All of them. ASCLEPIUS Freely? JIMMY Yes. ASCLEPIUS And without prejudice? JIMMY Yeah, that too. ASCLEPIUS And do you beg forgiveness for your sins? JIMMY Yeah, I suppose so. ASCLEPIUS You suppose so? JIMMY All right, all right, I do. ASCLEPIUS You do what? JIMMY Beg forgiveness. ASCLEPIUS Come on, I want to say the whole lot. JIMMY The whole lot? ASCLEPIUS Yes, Mister Cousins, I want to hear you say it. JIMMY Right - I repent of my sins - that's all of my sins - freely and without prejudice, and I beg your forgiveness. ASCLEPIUS Very well, since you've shown true repentance you have been saved. Thank you for your time. NICKY Hey, just hold on a minute. ASCLEPIUS (irritably) Now what? NICKY We two pleaded Not Guilty and are sent to Hades, Pete pleaded Not Guilty and isn't sent to Hades because he's thick, and now Jimmy pleads Guilty and he's not sent to Hades because he repents! I mean, what sort of justice is that? ASCLEPIUS It's called Divine Justice, Miss Bennett. Now, thanks for your time and I really must be on my way - DIANA You can't do this to us! ASCLEPIUS Actually, Miss Forster, we just have. DIANA But it's so unfair. ASCLEPIUS Fine, fine, I'll send you all to Hades then. DIANA No! I mean, no, that's not what I meant. ASCLEPIUS Really, you'd think I'd have nothing better to do than to waste time on this. DIANA Please, can't we just plead guilty? ASCLEPIUS After you've been sentenced, Miss Forster? DIANA But we didn't know. ASCLEPIUS That is why we didn't tell you. DIANA But you could have told us that we could repent. ASCLEPIUS Sorry, madam, you had the chance to plead guilty. NICKY Look, can't we at least try to explain our actions? ASCLEPIUS Sorry, madam, you had your chance to plead guilty. NICKY But - I mean - you say I'm guilty of the sin of lust because I tried to bed Di's last boyfriend. DIANA You did what? NICKY Not now, Di. DIANA But I didn't know about this. ASCLEPIUS I think you can see why you were sentenced for this crime, Miss Bennett. NICKY This is a farce. ASCLEPIUS If you say so. Good day, madam. NICKY Look - is there any way, any way at all, that we can have our lives back? HERMES Why, don't you like it here? NICKY No we do not. For God's sake we're only young, I want to marry and have children before I die. Please! HERMES Hmm ... Well, OK, there is a way of returning to life ... NICKY We'll take it! We'll take it! HERMES ... except that hardly anyone we put it to is willing to accept the price. JIMMY You mean as in Hermes? HERMES If you mean selling one's soul to the Devil, that's a rather distorted version of the truth I'm afraid. JIMMY So what do we have to do to have our lives back? HERMES You have to sign your souls over to us. JIMMY What does that mean? HERMES Oh, it means that you'll be under our command for eternity. JIMMY Which means what, exactly? HERMES Oh, it means that you will do whatever we ask of you. JIMMY Anything? HERMES You've heard of people doing things because they heard the voice of God telling them do do it? JIMMY (Warily) Er, yes? HERMES Well, it was actually us giving them their commands. NICKY You mean like, to kill people? HERMES If we needed those peoples' souls, yes. JIMMY So will we be aware of this arrangement? HERMES Oh, good heavens no! You'll be completely unaware of any arrangement that you made here, you'll grow old and die just like everyone else. Except that you'll feel an irresistible urge to perform the tasks that we ask of you. JIMMY Like what? HERMES Could be good, could be evil. Cliff Richard and Peter Sutcliffe are both agents of ours. NICKY And David Icke? HERMES Who? JIMMY Never mind. Have we any choice about what missions we're sent on? HERMES None whatsoever. That's why hardly anyone agrees to have their life back. It could well mean that they're compelled to murder someone close to them. PETER But if you murder someone close to you wouldn't you get blood on your clothes? NICKY He means, someone like a close friend or relative! PETER Well why didn't he say so? JIMMY Anyway, what about in this life? HERMES Oh, we'll return you to yesterday with absolutely no memory of anything you've heard or seen today. As far as anyone and everyone is concerned there was no fire in the house and nobody died. JIMMY Can we have a few moments to discuss this please? HERMES Sure, that's what I'm here for. (Jimmy, Nicky, Peter and Diana move off into a corner and have a heated debate with much gesturing. Eventually Jimmy steps out and approaches Hermes) JIMMY We're all agreed - we'll do it. HERMES You don't know how glad I am that you said that. (Opens his bag and takes out what looks like a torchlight) MAN Now this will return everything to the day it was before. You'll remember nothing and be unaware that anything untoward has happened. (He switches on the light and the room goes dark. He shines it into the faces of Jimmy, Nicky and Peter. Then the light goes off and the room lights up again) MAN (continuing; Shaking the torchlight irritably) Damn. I forgot to charge the batteries. Look, I've got to go back to base and sort this out. As it is, only Miss Forster hasn't had her memory of this event wiped, but if you'll just hang on ... JIMMY And when you've finished, what then? HERMES Then you walk out the door, everything goes blank, and you wake up thinking it's another normal day. (The man leaves by the front door) NICKY I don't know about you, but I'm not hanging about. DIANA What? You mean you're just going to split just like that? NICKY Why not? (They all look at each other and nod. Then Jimmy, Nicky and Peter sneak out the door. Diana hesitates, wonders whether she should wait for the return of Hermes or take the Purgatory brochure with her. Then she guiltily sneaks out too) CUT TO: SCENE 4 (Jimmy, Nicky, Diana and Peter enter living room from the kitchen. They are all dressed in outdoor hiking gear with rucksacks) JIMMY (with character action) OK, pay attention, everyone. This is it. The first day of what I hope will be a wonderful week trekking over Dartmoor, and it will be if we take care. Look, I know you're all dying to get out - DIANA Oh God! JIMMY Why, what's wrong? DIANA That dream I had last night - it wasn't a dream. JIMMY Yeah, sure it wasn't, Di. Now if we can get on - DIANA You don't understand - it actually happened. NICKY What, you mean we all died in a house fire, woke up in Purgatory and were judged by Asclepius? Yeah, right, Di, I'd keep off the hard stuff if I was you. DIANA But it's not like that. I swear, it's happening all over again. I thought I was imagining it, but when you started making the same speech I heard you say last time - JIMMY Hmm? So what was I going to say next? DIANA You were going to say that we start from here at Oh- Eight Hundred Hours with rest stops are on the hour for ten minutes, and thirty minutes at Becka Falls. Our estimated arrival at Hound Tor would be Thirteen Hundred Hours where we'll rest for one hour for refreshment and photography. Estimated arrival at Haytor would be Sixteen Hundred Hours for a rest stop of thirty minutes. And we'd get back here at Twenty-One Hundred Hours barring any delays or accidents. Now how could I know that if I hadn't heard you say it before? JIMMY I don't know how you did it, Di, you're damned clever, but you're not getting out of doing this hike today. DIANA No no, you don't understand - something terrible will happen to us when we die. You've got to believe me. NICKY Oh I believe something terrible will happen to me when I die. DIANA (hoping that Nicky believes her) You do? NICKY Oh course - it's called dying. DIANA Please, you've got to believe me. If we don't start mending our ways and renouncing our past sins we'll spend eternity in Hades. JIMMY You've all religious fundamentalist on us then? DIANA You don't understand - Hermes the messenger of the Gods came here and we spoke to him. PETER What, they named their messenger after an aircraft carrier? DIANA That's exactly what you said to him, Pete. NICKY And I suppose he left his winged sandals on the doorstep? DIANA No, he rides a motorbike - a Triumph Bonneville. DIANA (continuing; to herself) No, no, I didn't imagine it - I couldn't have imagined it - I mean it was so real. (beat; character action) Am I going mad or what? OK, calm down and let's think about this sensibly. (She sits on one of the armchairs and takes a few deep breaths) DIANA (continuing) OK, it was all a vivid nightmare. I imagined it all, I must have. Nothing happened to any of us. I'm going to forget all about it. (As she stands she sees something on the side table. She walks over and picks it up) DIANA (continuing; reading) "A Beginner's Guide to Purgatory" - ? (beat) What the - ? My God, it really did happen! (It bursts into flames and she drops it. She realises that she has lost the only proof that she wasn't dreaming what happened to her friends and screams in horror) (The End)
Copyright © 1999 Simon P Smith |