Purgatory (2)
MEDUSA (V.O.) I imagine it would be quite upsetting, madam. Now is there anything else you need to know? NICKY Er, no, I think we've plenty enough to think about for the time being. MEDUSA (V.O.) Very good. (Cheerfully) Have a nice death! (Hangs up. Nicky replaces the receiver and they all stare silently at each other for a few seconds) DIANA No no this isn't happening. Please God let this be some horrible nightmare and I'm going to wake up. JIMMY I promise you we will get through this, Di. DIANA You might be able to get through this, Jimmy, but I think I'm going to have a nervous breakdown. JIMMY Now stay calm everyone. We're not doing ourselves any favours by getting all emotional. Even if this is real and we really are all in Purgatory, we could be here for a long time so I suggest we try to make the most of it. NICKY 'Make the most of it'? We've just been told we've died and gone to Purgatory - what d'you suggest, a party or a sing-along perhaps? JIMMY Well, if you stop being so bloody facetious, Nicky, I was going to suggest we look at this pamphlet they supplied us with. (They sit in the armchairs around the TV. Jimmy finds the pamphlet on the table and starts reading from it) JIMMY (continuing; reading) "Hello, and welcome to "A Beginner's Guide to Purgatory." Now I realise that for some of you death must have some as something of a shock. Perhaps some of you didn't even realise you were dead. Let me give you a little bit of advice: Stay calm and everything is going to be just fine. Whatever happened to bring you here has happened, so there's no point in worrying about it now ..." CUT TO: SCENE 2 (Jimmy is standing in the living room reading a magazine. Nicky appears in the kitchen doorway, looking towards the hallway door. Out of the window we can see a Caribbean backdrop with a Bob Marley record playing) NICKY What's wrong? JIMMY What d'you mean, what's wrong? (For the rest of this dialog Nicky acts as if Jimmy isn't in the room) NICKY What d'you mean, how did I get here? I've been in the kitchen all the time. JIMMY Yes I know, why're you telling me? NICKY What? I was talking to nobody? (Jimmy tries to gain Nicky's attention) JIMMY Nicky, just who the bloody hell are you talking to? NICKY Is this your idea of a wind-up or what? JIMMY (character action) What the hell's going on? NICKY What is it? JIMMY (to himself) Well, I know that pamphlet did warn about strange things happening ... (He watches Nicky in an attempt to make sense of what is happening) NICKY You saw what? (long pause) What, everything? Are you sure? (another long pause) OK, so what happens next? JIMMY I only wish I knew, Nicky, I only wish I knew. NICKY (Shrugging) Well, perhaps it is déja vu, I don't know. (She walks across room and out through hallway door, closing it behind her. Jimmy stares at the hallway door, then at the kitchen door, perplexed. Then walks over to the hallway door and opens it, leaning into the hallway) JIMMY Nicky? Nicky? (Nicky appears in the kitchen doorway) NICKY What's wrong? JIMMY Bloody hell, how did you get there? You just walked out this door. NICKY What d'you mean, how did I get here? I've been in the kitchen all the time. JIMMY But you were here just a minute ago talking to - well, nobody as far as I could see. NICKY What? I was talking to nobody? JIMMY Honest, I don't know. I swear you came in this room and started talking to some invisible bloke. NICKY Is this your idea of a wind-up or what? JIMMY No, it's true, you were talking to - (he suddenly realises that she is repeating her previous words and actions exactly) My God! NICKY What is it? JIMMY I've seen all this before! NICKY You saw what? JIMMY You're saying and doing everything I just saw you do, that's what I'm on about. NICKY What, everything? Are you sure? JIMMY It only just happened, Nicky, of course I'm bloody sure. NICKY OK, so what happens next? JIMMY Next you say that perhaps it's déja vu and walk out that door. (Nods to hallway door behind him) NICKY (Shrugging) Well, perhaps it is déja vu, I don't know. (She walks across room and out through hallway door, closing it behind her) (Peter enters from kitchen) PETER Jimmy? What's going on? JIMMY Pete, something really weird's just happened. PETER Really? Hey, wow, cool. JIMMY Cool? Cool? Pete, what's the weather like on your planet? PETER Huh? (he walks over to the window) Well, it looks it's gonna be a fine day - why d'you wanna know? JIMMY (to himself) And I thought Nicky was a pain. (to Peter) If you think what's happened is so damn cool, just wait till something happens to you. PETER Why, what happened? JIMMY You wouldn't understand, Pete, believe you me you really wouldn't understand. (Jimmy walks out through the kitchen door and Peter sits on the settee. A few moments later a man of about Nicky's age enters from the hallway) PETER (startled) Who the hell are you? MAN What d'you mean, who the hell am I? I'm your brother Nick, of course. PETER But I don't have a brother called Nick. (anxiously) Where's Nicky? What've you done with her? MAN Who the hell is Nicky? PETER My sister. Where is she? MAN Are you taking the piss or what? PETER But - but - I'm sure someone would've told me if I had a brother. MAN So who am I then - the King of Siam on his day off? PETER What, so you admit you're not my brother after all then? What've you done with Nicky? MAN You never heard of sarcasm then? PETER Yeah, course I have, it's that artificial sweetener stuff you use instead of sugar. MAN That's saccharin, you dope. PETER But I want to know what you've done with Nicky. MAN Jesus Christ, Pete, stop being such a complete prat. PETER I don't care, I want my sister back. MAN Oh wonderful. We're trapped in this house and then we're told we've all died in a house fire and now you think I'm your sister. Please someone tell me I'm having a really bad dream. PETER But you go in the kitchen and ask Jimmy and Di. They're my friends - they'll tell you. MAN That you think I'm a woman? PETER Er, n-no, that I've got a sister called Nicky and you aren't my brother. MAN Well, you go and enjoy your pathetic little joke, little brother, and I'll just go and have an intelligent conversation with Jimmy. Come to think of it, I could have a more intelligent conversation with the cat. (He storms past into the kitchen and slams the door behind him. Peter waits for a few moments before entering the kitchen. Nicky is telling Jimmy and Diana about what has just happened) PETER Nicky! Thank God you're back. NICKY Oh, well I'm glad you remember who I am now, whoever you are. PETER But - but - who was that guy I was just speaking to, the one who just came in here? NICKY What guy? It was me, Nicky, your big sister, remember? PETER No it wasn't. It was some guy I've never seen before telling me he was my brother Nick and he didn't know who you were. NICKY Are you taking the piss or what? PETER That's exactly what he said. NICKY That's exactly what I said, nitwit. PETER But - but - (turns towards Diana) Di - what did you see? DIANA Hey, don't get me involved in this. PETER Please? DIANA I heard you and Nicky arguing, then Nicky came storming in here. JIMMY Y'know, there's something really odd going on here. NICKY What, and it's taken you this long to realise it? God help the Army. JIMMY Thanks for your enlightened contribution, Nick. (beat) Let me think about this. (beat) First I saw Nicky's part of a conversation I hadn't yet had with her, then Pete sees Nicky except she's a man. PETER (To Nicky) What, you mean you dressed up as a man? DIANA I don't know about the rest of you, but any more of this and I am going to go out of my mind. JIMMY Now please, we must stay calm. This is no time to panic. DIANA This is the perfect bloody time to panic! I mean, what's going to happen next? Are we going to turn into turnips during the night? Is my gran going to be knocking on the front door asking why I haven't written since she died? JIMMY Whatever happens, we gotta keep our heads, OK? DIANA That's easy for you to say, Jimmy. (A knock on the front door. Diana lets out an involuntary yelp) JIMMY It's OK, Di, I'm sure it's not your gran. (He goes to and opens the front door. HERMES is standing in the doorway, dressed in a motorcycle despatch rider's outfit, carrying a zip-up bag and holding a clipboard) JIMMY (continuing) Good - er - day. HERMES Good day, sir. Is this the right place for (he checks his list) - let me see - Nicola and Peter Bennett, Diana Forster and James Cousins? JIMMY And who might you be? HERMES Let me introduce myself. (extends a hand) My name is Hermes and I'm the messenger of the Gods. Surely you must have heard of me? JIMMY (shaking Hermes' hand) Hermes? As in the guy with wings on his ankles? HERMES Yes, well, I'm afraid the bit about the wings is a myth. JIMMY So how do you get about then? HERMES Actually I used to ride a chariot, but now I have a motorbike these days. It's just that, well, somehow "Hermes the motorcyle courier of the Gods" just doesn't have quite the same ring to it, does it? JIMMY No, I suppose not. HERMES Whatever. You've spoken to Medusa? JIMMY Yep, I spoke to her myself yesterday. Why, what's she like? HERMES You wouldn't want to meet on her on a dark night, believe you me. Come to think of it, you wouldn't want to meet her on a sunny afternoon either. I mean, we Gods all get on well with her, but one of our security guards ran into her by mistake one day and he was petrified. JIMMY Yeah, they do say she's scary. HERMES No, I meant, literally petrified, as in turned to stone. We use him now as an ornamental statue in the foyer. Can I come in? JIMMY Yeah, sure, come on in, why don't you? And why don't you bring Cerberus the three-headed dog with you while you're about it? HERMES Oh, I'm sorry, I only bring Cerberus with me when I'm visiting the less desirable areas. JIMMY What, there are 'less desirable' parts of Purgatory? HERMES Indeed, sir. There are some pretty unsavoury characters who pass through here on the way to Hades itself. JIMMY I bet there are. Well, you'd better come in. (Jimmy leads Hermes into the living room. They all stand) JIMMY (continuing) Guys, this is Hermes. PETER Hermes? You mean your parents named you after an aircraft carrier? DIANA Are you Hermes as in -? JIMMY (interrupting) Yeah, yeah, we've just been through all that. Yes, he's the Hermes but he rides a motorbike, OK? PETER Really? What sort? HERMES (bemused) A Triumph Bonneville of course - what other sort of bike would you expect a God to ride? NICKY So, Mister Hermes - HERMES No, it's just plain old Hermes. DIANA So, Hermes, tell me. Are there any more Gods from ancient Greek mythology here waiting to cross our paths? Is Aphrodite running a beauty salon? Apollo a chemist's perhaps? Maybe Hera can give me family planning advice? Maybe Zeus would like to pop around for dinner one evening when he's not too busy? HERMES Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear! You do seem to be forgetting that the Ancient Greeks themselves never believed myself and my colleagues to be mythological. And do you know why? DIANA Because you visited them? HERMES Got it in one. The names they gave us aren't our real ones of course, and were you to speak to the Incas or the Buddhists they'd give you different names for us, but we'll just use the Greek names for now, OK? DIANA Oh, er, right ... So what is it you want us to do? HERMES Oh, I'm here to give you your preliminary assessments. JIMMY Assessments? Assessments for what? HERMES How you score against the Seven Deadly Sins, any other good or bad deeds you've performed in your lives, that sort of thing. Don't worry, it's not the Day of Judgement or anything like that, it just helps Zeus sort the newcomers into 'Definites', 'Maybes' and 'Doubtfuls'. DIANA And will we know which pile we'll be in? HERMES Why, what good will it do you? DIANA Well, in case we want to appeal I suppose? HERMES Appeal? Appeal? My dear Miss Forster, this isn't a Court of Law, we're talking about a decision made by the King of the Gods himself. Are you suggesting he's infallible? (He raises a pen over the clipboard as if to make a note) DIANA Oh, no no, not at all, I'm sorry. (Hermes unzips his bag and removes four brown stuffed envelopes. He hands them out. Nicky stares at hers and then at Hermes) NICKY Is that it? HERMES Why, is there a problem, madam? NICKY Is there a problem? When I was taught about the Great Day of Judgement I wasn't expecting to get to hear about the case against me by courier. HERMES That's only a written notification, madam. Don't worry, you can raise any questions later. DIANA But can't we raise them with you? HERMES Madam, I'm just the messenger. I deliver messages. That's my job. Now, if you don't mind, I have a whole pile of people from an airline crash in Siberia I've got to deliver to. JIMMY Well, um, thanks for these. HERMES Don't mention it. (Nicky leads him to and opens the front door and Hermes walks out. She starts to close the door, then stops, looks out the door, then turns towards the living room) NICKY (Shouting) Hey, guys, the front door's open! (The others join her in the hallway) DIANA My God, so it is! You know what this means? PETER Oh yeah, of course. You'd better close it quick, Nicky, else you'll let all the heat out. NICKY You great prat, Pete. It means we can get out of here. DIANA It's awful dark out there ... JIMMY Yeah, but look over there. See? That's a house and it's lights are on. DIANA My God, we're saved! JIMMY All right, who says someone goes over there and gets help? NICKY Sounds a good idea to me. DIANA Oh I agree - we've got to do something. PETER I just hope they can get a decent reception on their TV. JIMMY All agreed? Well, come on, let's go then. DIANA I'll stay here if it's all the same to you. JIMMY You want to stay here? Here, in this house? I thought you'd be out that door faster than Ian Paisley at a Papal reception. DIANA What, into the middle of Purgatory? (beat) I've had quite enough drama for one day, Jimmy. You go and see if it's OK and I'll stay here till you get back. JIMMY Anyone else coming? PETER Can't see what's so bad about this place myself. At least we know where we are. NICKY Dunno about the rest of you but I'm going with Jimmy. Anything's better than staying here. JIMMY OK Nicky, let's go. (They leave through front door, watched by Diana) (Seconds later there is a knock on the back door) DIANA My God! Another visitor. And just when Jim and Nicky have reached that other house too. PETER You think we'd better answer it? (More insistent knocking) DIANA Well, that's strange. PETER What is? DIANA That knocking - every time Jimmy knocks on that back door there's a knocking on ours. (More insistent knocking) PETER Hey, yeah, you're right, Di. Spooky. DIANA Spooky? I think you'd better go to the back door and find who it is, Pete. I'll stay here and see if Jim and Nick get any answer from that other house. (Peter walks to the back door and opens it) PETER Jimmy! (Jimmy enters through the back door, followed by Nicky) DIANA (still standing in front doorway, looking out) Well they've gone into that other house. JIMMY Pete? How the hell did you get here? PETER I dunno - we stayed here while you went to that other house. What you doin' back here? (Diana walks back into the living room) DIANA What the - ? How did you get back here so quickly? I just saw you walk into that other house. JIMMY But we didn't come back. This is the house we walked to. NICKY You mean to say we're back in the house we just left? DIANA What the hell's going on? NICKY I'm not sure - we seem to have walked around in a circle. DIANA What? No you didn't. I was watching you until you entered that other house. NICKY Which is this house. Oh great. DIANA But how ...? JIMMY Don't you remember what it said in that Guide to Purgatory? Y'know, about how normal rules of time and space not applying down here? That's why strange things have been happening to us, y'see. NICKY OK, so what do we do now? DIANA I think now would be a really really good time to start panicking. PETER I know - I'll just go over to that other house and see if you're still there. NICKY But Pete - we know we're still here. PETER Which means you're not there, right? DIANA (under her breath) You're certainly not all there, that's for sure. (Peter walks to front door) PETER You coming, Di?
Copyright © 1999 Simon P Smith |