Tales From The Outer-Boroughs (4)
Leabe' me alone! (plucks another molecule of pollen from the air) Got ya', you little spore! Flounders snorts the tiny grain of pollen but...nothing. MIDGE It's late. You're tired. Why don't we go to bed. Flounders deflates. Midge leads him off stage. LIGHTS down. NARRATOR His spirit crushed, his sinuses clogged and his movement deemed little more than flattened road-kill on the side of the self-help super-highway, Ephraim Ross Flounders threw down his nose gay, walked out of his Manhattan building, boarded an uptown number six train and disappeared for parts unknown. LIGHTS up on Flounders amusing some other drunks. There were various sightings over the years and, according to one well-documented account, a man resembling the once-famed, nose-hole-guru was seen in an Oswego taproom where he amused patrons by affixing a moist spoon to his nose while singing falsetto operettas from minor French comedies. These reports were never confirmed. LIGHTS down on the taproom. NARRATOR Doctoral candidates who have pondered Sternutology assert that the movement was in some way emblematic of a greater ill which afflicts our modern society. However, those same aspiring social engineers are quick to point out that nothing more can be known without further study and much greater funding. The narrator takes a beat and assumes the guise of the banquet emcee from the opening scene. But, what I choose to remember is where it all began. That humble, little strip-mall out there on what is now the access road that runs alongside Route 117 in what used to be a cornfield. Well, my friends, I will still defy any one of you out there to find me a stalk of corn, much less a field of any sort, anywhere within a half day's drive of this convention center! And, if by chance you do, then be sure and take a deep breath because maybe, just maybe, you'll rack up a really good sneeze and, if that happens, well, who's to say but you might see God. BLACKOUT. END OF PLAY THE ORIGINAL LAST WISH BABY THE CAST There are 40 + characters, almost all are speaking parts, however, the play can be performed with as few as four actors breaking down as follows: ACTOR #1 NARRATOR ACTOR #2 EXECUTIVE, SPECIALIST #1, MRS. KORNFELD, NETWORK EXEC #1, CLARA COLLINS, CUSTOMER #1, GLAM-ENTERTAINMENT-MARKETEER, NEWS-BOY, JUDGE, PHONEY-LAST-WISH-BABY, DARYL WAYNE TREBLEAU, PUNDIT #1, SURGEON #3, RIGHT-TO-EXTENDED-LIFER #2, DINER, POLITICIAN #1 ACTOR #3 NURSE, PRODUCT DEMONSTRATOR, SPECIALIST #3, WELDA MAE FORMS, NETWORK-EXEC #3, WAITRESS, GLAM-ENTERTAINMENT- EXEC, GUATEMALAN WOMAN, MAITRE'D, PUNDIT #3, SURGEON #2, POLLSTER, RIGHT-TO-EXTENDED-LIFER #1 ACTOR #4 ASSISTANT, DOCTOR, MAN, SPECIALIST #2, NETWORK-EXEC #2, CUSTOMER #2, GLAM-ENTERTAINMENT-PITCHMAN, LAWYER, PUNDIT #2, SURGEON #1, PREACHER, POLITICIAN #2 THE SETS Aside from a podium, the action of the play is best staged with pools of lighting and minor propping. "The Original Last Wish Baby" We hear; tha-dump, thump--tha-dump, thump--the steady, rhythmic beat of a human heart. A special LIGHT comes up on a podium and the NARRATOR at stage left. The Narrator opens a large story book. NARRATOR The Original Last Wish Baby, as researched, recorded and revised by William Seebring. Cleveland, Ohio. Or, more specifically, the third-floor maternity room of the Holy Name Hospital on Cleveland's impoverished west-side where, at precisely seven-oh-one p.m. - Turns page. We hear a baby CRYING. NARRATOR A baby was born. Not just any baby, but the infamous, original, Last Wish Baby. The baby born without a heart. LIGHTS up on a DOCTOR and NURSE. The Nurse is cradling a bundled infant. DOCTOR What's this about a baby with no heart? Good Heavens, that's impossible. NURSE Check for yourself, Doctor. DOCTOR Nothing, no pulse. Not a sound. The bundled baby squirms in the Nurse's arms. DOCTOR And yet, this baby clearly mimics life. A freak. NURSE (softly) No. A miracle. DOCTOR What's that? NURSE A miracle...the baby is a miracle. DOCTOR A miracle? This is Cleveland. It'll be a miracle if the mother's insured. LIGHTS down on the maternity ward. NARRATOR Not only were the baby's parents uninsured, the identity of the baby's father was unknown. However, the birth mother's name was given as Welda Mae Forms, a thirty-one year old unemployed cosmetologist. At the time, little else was known about Ms. Forms but word of her remarkable progeny spread quickly from the maternity ward to the scrub rooms to the hospital's administrative offices where a larger picture began to emerge. LIGHTS up on the Hospital's Administrative EXECUTIVE and his ASSISTANT. EXECUTIVE A baby born without a heart? Sounds awful. Sounds really awful. ASSISTANT Maybe not as bad as you think. EXECUTIVE C'mon Chet, how the hell do ya' window dress a missing heart? God knows we've had our share of high-risk deliveries here at Holy Name little baby heads get smushed, tiny baby limbs get...it's messy, terrible, makes me shudder. But delivering a baby and not the heart good God! (beat) What's our liability on something like that? ASSISTANT Well, here's the thing, sir...the baby is alive. EXECUTIVE Alive? Without a heart? But that's...that.... ASSISTANT Impossible? Yes. Nevertheless it's - EXECUTIVE What, some kind of weird, auto-neuron tremors? Good God, is that what passes for life these days? ASSISTANT The baby is fully functioning, quite spirited, and, has a healthy appetite I might add. EXECUTIVE For how long? An hour, maybe two? ASSISTANT Who can say? But, even if the baby were to, God forbid... It's short life could, with the right spin, be played out as the most incredible P.R. story of our time. What's more, the timing couldn't have been more...fortuitous...sir. EXECUTIVE What, you mean the stock split? ASSISTANT Precisely the kind of thing that could triple our name factor overnight. A miracle... and it happened here, in our hospital, under the care and guidance of our health care professionals. Think of it sir, Holy Name, the get-well place where miracles happen. EXECUTIVE The get-well place where miracles happen... Now there's a ball with some bounce to it! Call Delores Childs at Channel Five. If we can dazzle her, there's a good chance we could make the six o'clock news! ASSISTANT She's on her way, sir. EXECUTIVE Good boy. Oh, one other thing...the heart? Did anyone ever find the heart? ASSISTANT No. Actually, as far we know, there never was a heart. LIGHTS down on the administrative offices. NARRATOR In point of fact, there was a heart, however, through one of those unfathomable anomalies which defy all logic yet govern most things, the heart was delivered separately by a surprised New Jersey woman on her way home from the store. LIGHTS up on a MAN and MS. KORNFELD. Ms. Kornfeld steps forward carrying a Nordstrom's bag then stops to hail a taxi when something like a beef-steak tomato falls from her skirt. The man regards it. MAN Yo, Miss...Lady! You dropped something. Mrs. Kornfeld looks back. MS. KORNFELD Oh-my-god, what is it! The THUMPING heart is heard. LIGHTS fade on Mrs. Kornfeld as she bends to retrieve the heart. NARRATOR That something would soon be determined to be the baby's heart. However, at that particular moment, the New Jersey woman, later identified as Mrs. Sydney Kornfeld, and who would soon become known as "The Baby Heart Mom" was not yet aware of the miracle baby story unfolding in Cleveland. LIGHTS up on a PRODUCT DEMONSTRATOR with a tupperware container, a beef-steak tomato and a can of peaches. NARRATOR As for Ms. Kornfeld, she fortuitously retrieved the baby heart and returned immediately to her home in Paramus where, as the demonstrator shall faithfully recreate, she placed the pulsating vital organ into a clear, air-tight, number-seven tupperware container which she then filled with a high-fructose, low sodium, heavy-syrup drained from a can of Libby's yellow-cling sliced peaches. After burping for a tight seal, Ms. Kornfeld placed the container in the crisper drawer of her refrigerator where, according to product designers, the heart could have been stored indefinitely and would remain every bit as fresh and vigorous as the moment she delivered it. LIGHTS down on the Product Demonstrator. NARRATOR Meanwhile, back in Cleveland, ever more adept medical specialists were brought in to examine the so-called miracle baby. LIGHTS up on the maternity ward as TWO MEDICAL SPECIALISTS look into a crib and we HEAR a giggling baby. SPECIALIST #1 Coo-chee-coo-chee-cooo. SPECIALIST #2 No pulse. No pressure. It's true, this baby doesn't have a heart and yet.... SPECIALIST #1 Oh, it's alive alright. The Executive Assistant ENTERS. He appears agitated. ASSISTANT Doctors, please, the press conference. They're waiting. LIGHTS down on the maternity ward. LIGHTS up as the specialists and assistant return to face the audience. The table skirt advertises the Holy Name Hospital and its new slogan. The Narrator assumes the role of reporter. ASSISTANT Questions for the doctors? NARRATOR Yes. A living baby without a heart? How is this possible? SPECIALIST #2 Technically, it's not. SPECIALIST #1 The baby should be dead. SPECIALIST #2 In fact, the baby could die any minute. ASSISTANT It's a miracle is what it is! And it happened right here in our - NARRATOR What about the baby's mom? ASSISTANT What about her? NARRATOR I'd like to hear her side of the story. I'd like to ask her a few questions. ASSISTANT (horrified) What, you mean talk with her? NARRATOR Why not? ASSISTANT No reason, uh, well, actually that's impossible. I'm sorry, we're just, she's just she's in recovery right now. LIGHTS down on the Press Conference. NARRATOR In fact, Welda Mae Forms was not in recovery. The so-called Baby Mom was not only alert and well-rested she was, much to the dismay of hospital staffers, quite lucid and most out-spoken. LIGHTS up on WELDA MAE FORMS, the Executive and the Assistant. Welda paces like a trapped animal. The Executive and Assistant hover. WELDA MAE FORMS What the hell's going on here! And where's my damn kid! I come into this dump to pop off another slug, which is the last thing I need, and you-all got me strapped down so I can't even see Oprah big as she is! EXECUTIVE Ms. Forms, please, please calm down. There's something we have to tell you. WELDA MAE FORMS What, is my baby dead or deformed or some damn thing? ASSISTANT Uh, well, Miss Forms, actually, it's more than that. WELDA MAE FORMS Huh? Was that a hard question or are you really as stupid as you look? Listen-here lap- dog, tell your fat ass boss that as far as I'm concerned I could care less if the little maggot's dead or mutated hell, I never wanted one tuh begin with. Tried to have it flushed out in one of them clinics but them damn bible-thumpers chased me away - EXECUTIVE (aghast) You were going to...! Cleveland's miracle baby...? WELDA MAE FORMS So I figured I'd drown the slug in booze. Well, did it work or what? EXECUTIVE Ms. Forms, you've got to understand...you've made medical history! WELDA MAE FORMS Hee-doggie! Do tell, the little maggot's got three heads? Two weenies? Five titties? What?! ASSISTANT This is insane. We can't put that before the public. She'll ruin everything! LIGHTS down on Welda Mae's hospital room. NARRATOR Meanwhile, at that very moment, the afternoon press conference was being fed via satellite to network studios in New York. We hear the SQUELCH of computer-modems linking then LIGHTS up on a pair of NETWORK EXEC's. NETWORK EXEC #1 (tears a fax from a machine) Can this be for real, a baby without a heart?! NETWORK EXEC #2 The affiliate swears it's true. Nevertheless, it's too late to break tonight. NETWORK EXEC #1 Are you nuts! This stuff goes on immediately. NETWORK EXEC #2 But, but we're airing a live feed from the White House! NETWORK EXEC #1 Who cares? A baby without a heart! Now that's news! LIGHTS down on the network exec's. NARRATOR And news it was. Within the hour, satellite-beaming reporters from around the world had descended on Cleveland like the plague and every last one of them wanted one thing a baby mom exclusive. Hospital officials acted with both haste and prudence. LIGHTS up on Welda Mae's hospital room. Welda is still under restraint. WELDA MAE FORMS Let me outta' here! You hear me! Let me out! TERRY COLLINS, a foppish man with a long scarf around his neck, ENTERS and assesses Welda with dread. TERRY COLLINS Hello, Ms. Forms. WELDA MAE FORMS Who are you? What do ya' want? TERRY COLLINS My name is Terry Collins and I've been hired to be your image consultant. WELDA MAE FORMS Oh yeah? Well does that mean you can reach up there and change the channel on that pile a' crap TV? Because that's all I've been trying to get from the lazy turds in white that run around here all day. And do they listen? Hell no! Channel five wrestling. You get me Bone-Crusher on the tube and lay a six-pack of Huedey Creme Ale 'side my pillow here and I'll be so happy I could squat and pee green. TERRY COLLINS Oh my, I see I have my work cut out for me. LIGHTS down on Welda's room. NARRATOR Terry Collins proved he was worth every penny of his hefty makeover fee. In short order, Ms. Welda Mae Forms was polished, enlightened and coiffured. At long last, cameras were admitted into her room and a nation known for its thirst of spectacle, tuned in. LIGHTS up on Welda. She's no longer restrained and her appearance has been transformed. Terry Collins stands in the shadows like a nervous stage mother. WELDA MAE FORMS (her hands folded as if in prayer) With the Lord's help, my precious, precious baby will live. Of course, I can't begin to thank all you wonderful little people out there who have kept me and my baby in your thoughts and prayers. Bless you. Bless you all. LIGHTS down on Welda. NARRATOR With that one newsbit, the groundswell of public emotion became unquenchable. Overnight, Cleveland's miracle tot became America's most adored critical-list baby. There were news conferences every morning and afternoon and updates on the baby's condition flashed every hour on the hour, but, it wasn't enough. Americans not only wanted to know more, they wanted to know what more they could do.... LIGHTS up on a lunch-counter somewhere deep in rural America. WAITRESS And they say that baby could die any moment. CUSTOMER #1 Hate to see that baby die and me not knowing if they was something I coulda' done. CUSTOMER #2 By Gawd, I'd give my left nut for that sweet, little innocent lamb. WAITRESS Hell, Ross, baby don't need a go-and. That baby needs a heart! CUSTOMER #2 Can't give baby my heart. But I'd give that baby anything else. Anything a'tall. CUSTOMER #1 You know, I hear baby likes to watch big time wrestling! What say we call the hospital and see if we could buy that baby a brand new color TV! Now wouldn't that make us all feel a sight better? All nod. LIGHTS down on the lunch counter. NARRATOR Calls from like-minded Americans jammed the hospital's switch-board. It was reported that in a single, twenty-four hour period more than twenty thousand color TV's were bought and delivered. Corporate America stood up and took note. Syndicate giant, GLAM ENTERTAINMENT, culled their best minds and put forward a most alluring concept. LIGHTS up on an executive board meeting. The PITCHMAN stands before an easel scrawled with dollar signs. GLAM ENTERTAINMENT PITCHMAN Every night we'll feature the baby mom, what's her name - GLAM ENTERTAINMENT MARKETEER Welda Mae Forms. GLAM ENTERTAINMENT EXEC Welda Mae? Where do you gotta' go to get a name like that? GLAM ENTERTAINMENT MARKETEER Welda, last stop before Zelda. GLAM ENTERTAINMENT PITCHMAN Whatever, we get her and we call it, "The Last Wish Baby Show." See, every night mom stands in front of the camera holding little baby no-heart in her arms like this and she's pouting 'cause the doc's are telling her how the babys supposed to die any minute but, and here's the kicker, before baby goes, baby's made this one last wish...get it? Baby's last wish. Last Wish Baby! Eyes widen. LIGHTS down on the meeting. NARRATOR A deal was proffered and quickly struck with Ms. Forms and her people. That very night, "The Last Wish Baby Show" blew out the ratings board with a whopping 75 share. Even more notable, the show's seamless tie-in with corporate sponsors set an industry standard. LIGHTS up on Welda. She is clutching a cloth-wrapped bundle of baby in her arms. WELDA MAE FORMS Poor, poor baby. Baby doesn't have a heart. Doctors say baby might have to leave us all for Heaven any minute now. The baby CRIES. What's that, Baby...? Welda leans in to the baby then returns her gaze to the cameras. Awww. Baby wishes some nice person out there would buy us a uh...a Sony XRK-35 Digital Game System. NARRATOR (studio announcer) That's right folks, the Sony game system could be Baby's Last Wish. Poor, poor baby. So open up that heart God so kindly gave you and call the 1-800 number you see now on your screen. LIGHTS down on The Last Wish Baby Show. LIGHTS up on a GUATEMALAN WOMAN holding a tupperware container. NARRATOR Meanwhile, in a certain kitchen in Paramus, New Jersey, a certain Guatemalan cleaning woman was wiping down a certain refrigerator when she made an unusual discovery. GUATEMALAN WOMAN Eeeeee! Mios Dios! Eeeee! Ms. Kornfeld ENTERS. MS. KORNFELD What? Que? Que esta? What the hell is it? GUATEMALAN WOMAN Esta la corazσn de la nino con last wish! MS. KORNFELD What? What are you talking about? GUATEMALAN WOMAN Nino! Nino con last wish! Nino con last wish! MS. KORNFELD Baby? You mean that baby? That Last Wish baby? The one on TV? Give me that! (studies the heart for a moment) Oh-my-God! I have the baby heart and it's alive! What should I do? GUATEMALAN WOMAN Llama de medico! Pronto! Pronto! MS. KORNFELD Call a doctor?! Are you crazy? This is big, really big! I'm calling Howard Stern! LIGHTS down on Ms. Kornfeld and her maid. NARRATOR Ms. Kornfeld's call to the popular radio shock jock was quickly put through and she not only revealed that she possessed what she believed was the Last Wish Baby's Heart, listeners also learned her cup size and that she enjoyed lesbian sex while a sophomore at Harley Dickerson University. NARRATOR Meanwhile, word of the whereabouts of the newly discovered baby heart spread fast and a race, of sorts, was on. EMS crews were the first on the scene but no sooner had they readied the baby heart for shipment to Cleveland when...the lawyers arrived. LIGHTS up on a LAWYER waving a writ. LAWYER Halt! Court order! LIGHTS down on the lawyer. NARRATOR Motions were made. Injunctions issued. Larger questions loomed. The battle for custody of the Last Wish Baby had begun. We hear the THUMPING heart. NARRATOR The hearing to determine the rightful custodial parents of The Last Wish Baby had barely opened when legal fees threatened to exceed even Ms. Welda Mae Forms' recently fatted purse-strings. However, with the baby show still posting record ratings, Ms. Forms saw fit to make full use of her forum. LIGHTS up on Welda. WELDA MAE FORMS (angelic) Poor, poor precious baby. Baby doesn't have a heart...know why? Hmmm? (bitter) 'Cause some East Coast floozy has got it and won't hand it over unless I give her half a' baby's royalties on the - The Baby CRIES. Welda looks at it. WELDA MAE FORMS Yeah, what do you want? (a beat to compose herself) Awww, but of course, my sweet little precious baby. Welda looks up and smiles sweetly for the camera. WELDA MAE FORMS Baby wishes there was some nice, pro-bono law firm out there who would take Baby's rightful mother's custody case and when that was all settled and a certain individual from a certain so-called Garden-State was financially ruined, that same nice law firm might just be retained to negotiate with those shysters at Glum Entertainment for a more favorable contract...idn't that what baby wants? Yes, baby's so sweet. I just hope and pray this won't be baby's last wish. LIGHTS down on Welda. NARRATOR But, no sooner had Welda Mae and her people retained new legal counsel than a shocking courtroom revelation hit the newsstands. LIGHTS up on a NEWSBOY hawking his papers. NEWSBOY Read all about it! Last Wish Baby Show Hoax! Read all about it! LIGHTS down on the newsboy. NARRATOR Unsealed court documents alleged that the Last Wish Baby Show Baby was not the real Last Wish Baby, the baby born without a heart, but rather, a sixteen year old unemployed actor with a glandular condition. Americans shuddered. Did this mean the Original Last Wish Baby was dead? Or, Heaven forbid, was there even an original Last Wish Baby in the first place? Congressional spouses convened a hearing and demanded answers. LIGHTS up on a hearing room. Welda Mae, the Hospital's Executive Assistant and the PHONEY LAST WISH BABY are seated together under a glaring light. The Narrator serves as inquisitor. NARRATOR Come forward. State your full name and occupation for the record, please. PHONEY LAST WISH BABY Look pal, you can't nail this one on me! I'm not even equity! The only reason I signed on to this sham was 'cause the Lady there got me tanked-up then threatened to put my nuts in the grinder if I didn't - WELDA MAE FORMS Shut your trap you little - PHONEY LAST WISH BABY Who are you calling little!? The only thing little around here is your heart! You wanna' know why her kid's got no heart? I'll tell ya' why - WELDA MAE FORMS How dare you! And you said you loved me! ASSISTANT Stop it! Okay, look, it was all my fault. I agreed to pull the baby from the show and I was the one who okayed it when the Forms woman wanted to hire the little guy. But I only went along with it 'cause the doctors insisted on keeping the baby in intensive care. That's the God's-honest truth. There really is a Last Wish Baby, there really is a baby without a heart! I can prove it! I swear to God, I can prove it! LIGHTS down on the hearing room. NARRATOR Needless to say, Americans were skeptical and demanded that proof. Thus, the following night, "The Last Wish Baby Show" aired live from the Holy Name Hospital's pediatric intensive care unit. Viewers held their breath as the Baby Mom ushered the cameras toward the swinging doors which led to Baby's chamber. LIGHTS up on a hospital corridor. Welda Mae and the Executive are wearing scrubs. Welda Mae motions for the camera to follow her. WELDA MAE FORMS Shhhh. Be quiet. This way, please. DARYL WAYNE TREBLEAU pushes his way toward Welda. EXECUTIVE Watch it, he's got a gun! BLACKOUT. Four shots are fired and Welda screams. We then hear the high-pitched HUM of the Emergency Broadcast System. LIGHTS come up on the Narrator. NARRATOR Four shots, each one following its own fatal trajectory, were fired into the torso and cranial cavity of the woman most Americans knew only as the Last Wish Baby Mom. LIGHTS up on Daryl Wayne Trebleau. NARRATOR The assailant was identified as Daryl Wayne Trebleau, a slope-shouldered itinerant floral designer from nearby Loraine, Ohio and, purportedly, the man many believed to be the Last Wish Baby Dad. Daryl steps forward with a floral bouquet. NARRATOR Daryl Wayne Trebleau never uttered a single word in his own defense. Rather, he expressed himself through artfully-designed floral arrangements. Mr. Trebleau's "Not competent to stand trial bouquet" was a lovely and eloquent display of mums, gladiolus and forty-four magnum shell casings set in a handsome earthenware bowl. Meanwhile, in another court in another state, the judge in the custody hearing for the Last Wish Baby had reached a verdict. LIGHTS down on Daryl Wayne Trebleau. LIGHTS up on a JUDGE. JUDGE As per the dictates of the honorable State of New Jersey, court of Domestic Relations, I, Judge Maliss T. Ward Nunn, have found as follows: Said infant, here-in-and-ever-after known as; "The Original Last Wish Baby", shall be granted ward-status of this court and there-by ordered to be joined immediately with heart. So be it, so help us God. The Judge pounds his gavel. LIGHTS down. NARRATOR With the Last Wish Baby Show having been abruptly pulled from the airwaves, no effort was made to appeal the Judge's decision. Thus, a medical team of the nation's leading cardio-vascular surgeons were assembled to carry out the court's wishes and, with God's blessing, prolong the baby's life. Meanwhile, high-minded pontificators from the academic, medical and legal communities pondered the implications of it all for the benefit of viewers at home. LIGHTS up on a televised round-table show. PUNDIT #1 The baby phenomenon speaks directly to who we are as a nation. PUNDIT #2 And who we, as a nation, are not. PUNDIT #3 Yes, who we are and who we are not. PUNDIT #1 But more to who we are than who we are not.
Copyright © 1999 William Seebring |