Tales From The Outer-Boroughs (3)
Franz holds the baby bundle up, as if peering in its mouth. The baby HOWLS like a wolf. MELLON Eich mein doodle! Mellon faints. BLACKOUT. END OF PLAY STERNUTOLOGY An exposé THE CAST There are as many as thirty characters in STERNUTOLOGY but the play can be performed with as few as four actors. A suggested cast break-down for five actors follows, with parts divided as indicated: Actor #1 - male or female NARRATOR* Actor #2 - male F. ROSS FLOUNDERS Actor #3 - male ALL, MAN, MEMBER #1, HE, HANDLER, WORKMAN, MEMBER #2 & #3 Actor #4 - female JUDY, JOAN, INITIATE #1 & 2, SHE, HOSTESS, MIDGE Actor #5 - male or female TRAVELER, ALL, SENATOR, RECEPTIONIST, PRIEST * The Narrator can also be used as an extra when needed, stepping into and out of the scenes he is overseeing via the use of simple costuming changes. THE SETTING Aside from a podium for the narrator, all the staging can be achieved through minor set pieces, props and lights. “STERNUTOLOGY” an exposé LIGHTS up on a banquet head-table down-stage and facing the audience. To one side is the narrator's lectern and near that; a bouquet of flowers. All four actors are seated at the table and convey the sense that they’ve just polished off an fine meal. The NARRATOR (in the guise of the emcee for the following) steps up to the lectern and clinks his glass. The others join in. He motions for silence. NARRATOR Our humble thanks to Gladys and the committee. You gals out-did your-selves, again! (leads applause) Ladies and Gentlemen, it is my great honor to present to you tonight's key-note speaker. The man, no, make that the “visionary” behind "Mallopolis", the largest, under-one-roof, shopping experience known to mankind. (motioning for silence) Let us not forget Cleveland's proud and venerable "Cuyahoga Plaza," the upscale "Agora- plex," the centrally-located "Northern Lights." The list is endless as well it should be. But...what I choose to remember is where it all began. That humble little strip-mall on what is now an access road that runs alongside Route 117 in what used to a cornfield. Well friends, twenty years later, I defy any one of you out there to find me a stalk of corn much less a field of any sort within a half day's drive from that mall or this very convention center! The narrator is interrupted by JUDY, tugging on his jacket. He leans over and they share a whispered exchange. He laughs. Judy smiles. He looks out over the audience again. NARRATOR Judy here asks why drive fifty miles when the best damn shopping in the world is right outside that door on the mezzanine level?! And who do we have to thank for that? Ladies and Gentlemen, without any further adieu, as the kids like to say, let's give it up for Mr. Effem' Ross Flounders! F. ROSS FLOUNDERS rises and joins the narrator at the podium. NARRATOR Here he is! Effem! Effem, everybody! Effem Ross Flounders! The narrator steps aside. Flounders takes the lecturn. FLOUNDERS That's Eph-raim. But, thank you just the same, Bud. And thank you, Judy. Gladys. Invited guests, interested parties, members of the merchants' consortium.... Flounders pauses to note an irritant in the air. He pushes a flower vase aside. FLOUNDERS When I was first asked to speak here before you tonight I thought to myself... Flounders stares off for a moment, a strange look in his eyes. FLOUNDERS I’m sorry, as I was saying...when I was...when I, I...excuse me...I uh...you'll have to excuse me...I..ah-heee....ah-heee...ahhh-nananana--HUP-CHOO! After knocking off a nasty sneeze, Flounders blows his nose. FLOUNDERS Whoa, my God, for a moment there — you know, funny thing but, that felt pretty damned good. And I don't tend to say that very often, about much of anything these days. Let me tell you people, you live as long as I have and your ability to record new and pleasant sensations becomes markedly.... Once again, Flounders is struck. He stands aside, winds-up then releases a series of head-tossing, full-blown sneezes. FLOUNDERS Oh my God! This is incredible! Again, he sneezes and as he comes out of it, Flounders appears transfixed, as if struck by some kind of vision. FLOUNDERS I don't believe it! It can't be! Hit me one more time, Jesus! Hit me! Flounders throws his arms out and takes a deep breath but — no sneeze. He looks around, grabs the flower out of a vase, shoves them into his face and: FLOUNDERS That's it! Ahhh-heee....ahhhhhh-heeeee....ahhhh--hup-CHOOOO! Oh, yes, I see you, baby Jesus! I can! Ahhh--hup-CHOOOO! I'm coming baby Jesus! Ahhhh--hup- CHOOOOO! The narrator returns to the podium as Flounders moves about the stage as if suspended in some kind of weight-less, nether-world. Judy and the others at the table remain seated but seem similarly suspended in time. NARRATOR And so it happened during that fateful banquet sponsored by the Greater Cleveland Merchants Consortium that one, F. Ross Flounders, the undisputed high priest of the mega-mall, was suddenly and inexplicably seized by a spasmodic sneezing fit that, when it finally ended some seven hours later, rendered the man so completely unreasoned, he claimed to have left his body and floated out over the nearby waters of Lake Erie where- upon he encountered an angelic cherub who offered Flounders certain truths and an unadorned box of Kleenex. Thus, marking the beginning of Flounders' lifelong quest for spiritual enlightenment via the olfactory canal. LIGHTS up on Flounders' office a few days later. JOAN, Flounders's secretary, is wary as Flounders ENTERS and paces about the room dabbling at his nose. FLOUNDERS Shopping malls, mega-plexes. Good God, how could I have been so stupid, so blind, so nasally stunted! JOAN Oh no, Mister Flounders, you have a fine nose. FLOUNDERS Joan, something truly amazing has happened to me. I had this vision. It was — I saw — I realize now what I have to do. JOAN A vision? You mean like - FLOUNDERS Yes. No. What I mean is — wait a minute — that's odd. JOAN What's odd? FLOUNDERS My vision. There was this baby angel. Baby Jesus, I think. I’m not sure. I mean, it’s not like he had a name tag or anything. But he did have wings. And this box of Kleenex. JOAN (Indicating a box of Kleenex) That box of Kleenex? FLOUNDERS Uh-huh. And he told me — well, it wasn’t like he actually spoke to me — it was more like he...what was it? How could I forget? JOAN Was it a parable, Mister Flounders? Did he tell you a parable? FLOUNDERS A parable? No. It wasn’t a parable. It was more like a path, a way to step into the future and help others find enlightment. I think. JOAN Enlightenment? Would that be anything like Pier One? Flounders freezes in place with a queer look on his face. JOAN Mr. Flounders, you don’t seem well at all. FLOUNDERS Huh? Yeah, no! Gotta' clear my head is all. It's so jumbled up with junk! JUNK! Crappy malls and stupid store-fronts. (smacks himself) Sneeze, damn you! SNEEZE! JOAN You want me to sneeze? FLOUNDERS Not you! Me! I must sneeze! I must sneeze! Flounders furiously dabs at his nose but without result. JOAN Mister Flounders, maybe I should call doctor - FLOUNDERS Good God, why can't I...? Wait! An irritant! I need an irritant! (looks around) Something dusty...? A powder...a perfume — perfume! (spins around and bears down on his secretary) FLOUNDERS Joannie, Joannie, Joannie, Joannie.... He grabs her. She pulls away. JOAN No, please, Mr. Flounders. You're scaring me! FLOUNDERS Nothing to be afraid of my child. JOAN What's gotten into you? FLOUNDERS Hold still, I just need a whiff! Flounders grabs Joan and sniffs her over like a hound on a scent then abruptly flings her aside. His eyes shut and his body quivers. FLOUNDERS Oh, I can feel it! I'm coming now! Ahhh-Ahhh-Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh- CHOOOO! Oh...yes! Yes! Yes! Again! Flounders grabs a terrified Joan and sucks in another lung-full of her until his body shudders and he explodes with yet another gut-wrencher. Flounders drops to his knees and sobs like a baby. FLOUNDERS I see! No, I mean, I smell! Yes, I SMELL! JOAN Smell? FLOUNDERS Yes, smell! I was clogged, all my life I was clogged, couldn't breath, not really, not like this! My soul was snot. SNOT! But now I can smell! Was clogged but now I SMELL! Joan scrambles away. LIGHTS down on Flounder's office. NARRATOR And thus was laid the foundation for the burgeoning new-age movement Flounders dubbed, "Sternutology." LIGHTS up on a "sternutology" session. All are seated in a semi-circle, nasally humming a soft, indecipherable mantra. Flounders and INITIATE #1 ENTER. Flounders is wearing a flowing robe. He takes his place on a pillow and pulls out a large, brass pepper grinder. Initiate #1 kneels before him. Flounders methodically grinds the pepper onto a plate. FLOUNDERS Breathe deeply my dear child and you shall — no, no, no, no, no! You're doing it all wrong! We do not breathe through the mouth! We breathe through the nose! The nose. Why the nose? Because, the nose knows. Ahhhh, you see? The nose...knows. Say it with me children; ALL The nose knows. FLOUNDERS Indeed. For you see, the portal of our being is the...sinus. Say it with me children; ALL The sinus is the highness. FLOUNDERS Excellent. Now, inhale and expand. Exhale and release. Breathe deeply. Deeply! Flair the nostrils! Flair them! Bigger! That's it...yes! Now, breathe...in and out. In and out. In and out... Deeper, faster, harder! Do it! Do it! Yes! YES! Having led the initiate to a near-orgasmic state, Flounders lifts the plate of pepper and blows a thick cloud into her face. She wheezes, building up to a sneeze while he clutches her head in the manner of an evangelist. FLOUNDERS We implore you great spirit of the sinus, open the clogged breathing passages of this poor congested soul. Let the effluviant course through her such that she might find you. Breathe in, child! Yes! Here it comes, feel your nasal passages expanding! INITIATE #1 Yes! Yes! Ahhhh-ahhhhh-ahhhhh--CHOOOOOOO! Flounders lowers the initiate to the floor where she spasms and twitches. He folds his arms and smiles beatifically. FLOUNDERS Excellent. Now let us now intone the sacred mantra.... ALL EXCEPT INITIATE #1 (a chant) Gesundheit...gesundheit...gesundheit...gesundheit.... LIGHTS down on the Sternutology session. The Narrator returns to the podium. NARRATOR Sadly, for reasons Flounders could not fully comprehend, Sternutology failed to catch on with mainstream America and was soon lumped together by the media with all the other, so-called, "bargain-basement, fringe-cults." However, that was to change dramatically when Flounders cannily opted to dabble in what were then, popular, if not exactly legal, nasal stimulants. Predictably, membership roles swelled though a new set of problems would soon arise. LIGHTS up on a crowded Sternutology session. Flounders is methodically divvying up lines of white powder as several members press in. One MAN grows impatient and grabs the plate away. MAN Gimme' that! Flounders grabs back. A cloud of white dust billows. The others jump in. Fists are thrown. Chaos ensues. LIGHTS down. NARRATOR At the same time, there were all those ugly reports that Sternutology's fund-raising efforts had turned bold and surly. LIGHTS up on an airport terminal. The Narrator assumes the role of an airline announcer. NARRATOR Attention passengers, flight two-zero-one for Miami is now boarding. A harried TRAVELER carrying her luggage is being pursued by a Sternutology MEMBER with a hand-full of tiny American flags. MEMBER #1 C'mon lady, sniff-sniff, I'm askin' ya' nice, sniff-sniff, buy the crummy flag! TRAVELER Leave me alone! MEMBER #1 C'mon, a lousy buck! What's it to you! TRAVELER I don't want a stupid flag! MEMBER #1 Look lady, buy the flag or you can kiss your connecting flight good-bye! LIGHTS down on the airport. NARRATOR Eventually forced to abandon what most Sternutology-watchers considered its one and only draw for attracting new converts, Flounders was forced to take to the air-waves with his very own info-mercial. LIGHTS up on a couple snuggling together. When HE gropes for her breast, SHE takes his hand and places it on her nose. HE What are you doing? SHE Touch me there — gently. That's nice. Yes, more, yes good, yes...ahhhh, I feel it coming, ahhhh-heee...ahhhh-heeee...ahh, ahh, ahh--CHOOO! HE (dripping with shmutz) That's disgusting! SHE Oh, God, no. It was wonderful. Here, lemme' do it to you. HE Hold it, wait a minute — this is that sneeze-cult thing, isn't it? SHE (indignant) Sternutology is not a cult. It's an ancient method of attaining higher consciousness while expanding the bronchial tubes. HE Oh, come on! SHE Case in point. How many times have you sneezed and someone said to you, "bless-you." HE I don't know. It happens. So what? SHE Dr. Flounders teaches that the ancients knew that sneezing was a means of expelling negative energy while cleansing the soul. Thus, one who sneezes is blessed. HE Huh. Okay, but what about all that nose-sex stuff you hear about? SHE Most people don't realize it, but when you sneeze, your body experiences the exact same loss of self-control as when you orgasm. HE Really? SHE Yes, it's true and it's incredible. HE Wow, imagine... (he does, then self-consciously starts to fondle his nose) Are you sure about this? SHE Yes, and it's all right here, in this book. (holding up a book) "Sternutology." It's the answer you've been nosing around for. She and He happily toggle each other's noses. LIGHTS down. NARRATOR With its enticing lure of casual, yet safe, nasal-contact, Flounders message struck pay dirt. Sex-leery urbanites thronged to Sternutology sessions in record numbers. LIGHTS up on a Sternutology session. Flounders watches on as his followers engage in a rhythmic orgy of masturbatory-like sneezing. ALL (each successive “ahh” by each member in turn) Ahhhh - ahhh - ahhh - Ahhhhhh - ahhhh - ahhhh - Ahhhhhhh - ahhhhh - ahhhhh - CHOO! - CHOO! - CHOO! - There is a collective sigh of sexual release. LIGHTS down on the session. NARRATOR Just when it appeared as though the movement might emerge as a popular, albeit alternative, lifestyle, F. Ross Flounders became obsessed with the air quality around him. Massive, state of the art, carbon-flux filtration systems were installed in his upper west side penthouse apartment as well as the three floors below which served as Sternutology's world-wide headquarters. Furthermore, all visitors including Manny Perez, the building super, were required to submerse themselves in a positive-charged, ion chamber. And, Flounders never stepped outside without wearing his own, specially-designed nose gay. LIGHTS up on a garden party. HOSTESS Oh, look Senator! Here he is now! Ross! Oh, Ross! Flounders ENTERS with his HANDLER. Flounders is wearing a glistening, wire-mesh "veil" that covers his nose and mouth. HOSTESS Ross, I'd like to introduce you to Senator Deevers. SENATOR Pleasure's all mine, Dr. Flounders. We hear a ZAP — like a bug light SENATOR What the hell is that thing? FLOUNDERS My god, man! Don't you ever inspect your nasal canal? SENATOR Excuse me, I...? Again the veil ZAPS and sparkles. FLOUNDERS Purify! Purify! The handler jumps in and begins spraying an aerosol. FLOUNDERS Her too! The hostess screams. LIGHTS down on the garden party. NARRATOR Sadly, such fanaticism on Flounder's part, would ultimately prove to be his undoing. LIGHTS up on a Sternutology RECEPTIONIST directing incoming calls. Flounders ENTERS unnoticed and sniffs the air as if tracking an imperceptible scent. RECEPTIONIST Sternutology, how may I help you? I'll connect you. FLOUNDERS Dear child. RECEPTIONIST (startled) Oh, OH! Reverend Flounders! How can I - FLOUNDERS I have detected an irritant in the air. RECEPTIONIST An irritant? An irritant! That's good, right? FLOUNDERS No, it is not good. The irritant I have detected is foreign and, I fear, invasive. RECEPTIONIST Invasive? But how can that be? FLOUNDERS Did anyone enter this building when the ion-chamber was being scrubbed? RECEPTIONIST No, I had strict orders. Oh, wait! No, but I thought.... FLOUNDERS Who was it? Tell me, damn you! Who got in?! A WORKMAN ENTERS. He's clogged up with a nasty head cold. Flounders regards him with contempt as he dons his veil. The workman sneezes, he's deeply congested. RECEPTIONIST Bless you. WORKMAN D'anks. D'alright miss, you gob' new filbers and d'I 'cleamed dem' walls too. D'I jus' neeb' you ta' sign here on da' 'dobbed line. (sees Flounders) Wha' do you say 'dere, bub? (about to sneeze but clamps it off) Ahhh-ahhhh-ahhhh--HUP-CHHHHT! Whew, 'dab was a close 'bun. FLOUNDERS Foolish, simple man. You must never, ever do that again. Do you hear me! Never, ever! Never! WORKMAN 'Bwud I do? FLOUNDERS When one's inner essence seeks counsel with the Gods, one's body is compelled to sneeze. To bar the way is, is... WORKMAN Sorry, bub I 'dibin't wan' you to catch my colb'. FLOUNDERS (haughtily) I don't catch the common cold. The workman shrugs then lets go with an unregulated whallop. Flounders pays it no mind. LIGHTS down on the reception area. NARRATOR Despite his assertion to the contrary, Flounders did, in fact, catch a cold and it was a doozy. A real nasty, clogging, dripping, achy mess of a head-jammer. But, oddly enough, a cold that, despite every possible effort on his part, produced not one sneeze. LIGHTS up on a Sternutology session. A crazed MEMBER is grinding some pepper while Flounders looks on expectantly. MEMBER #2 It's an extremely rare but incredibly potent peppercorn which grows only once every twelve years on this one particular hillside in Ka-luck-a-stan. I'm telling ya' Effey, if this shit don't blow your face off, nothing will. FLOUNDERS (congested) Lebme' hab' some, I gobba' hab' some! Flounders blows his nose then grabs the plate and inhales deeply. He rises and lightly steps about in great anticipation. FLOUNDERS Hup-hup-hup-hup — nothing. Flounders quakes and shudders in grief, then blows his nose like a trumpet. NARRATOR So far as anyone knows, Flounders never sneezed again. A depression settled in and his mood darkened. He withdrew from public view, shunned his most ardent supporters and turned over the day to day operations of Sternutology to his underlings. Sadly, without their founder to guide them, Sternutology sessions turned bizarre — assuming such a thing were possible. LIGHTS up on a Sternutology session. Flounders is absent. A young PRIEST blows pepper dust into the face of an INITIATE. PRIEST Alright, suck it in! That's it! FEMALE INITIATE #2 Ahhhh....ahhhh-ahhhh-ahhh--HUP-CHOOOOO! PRIEST Yuck! Watch it! You got your shmutz all over me here! FEMALE INITIATE #2 Sorry. PRIEST Yeah, well, anyway. So, uh, let us now intone the sacred mantra. ALL (but initiate #2) Gesundheit...Gesund - FEMALE INITIATE #2 Hey, wait a minute! How come I didn't see no little baby angels? And how come I didn't have no sex-like orgasm neither? PRIEST It sure sounded to me like you had a sex-like orgasm. MEMBER #3 Yeah, it sounded like a sex-like orgasm to me too. PRIEST There, you see. FEMALE INITIATE #2 It only sounded like that 'cause I was faking it! PRIEST Faking it? You were faking it? MEMBER #3 She wasn't faking it! No way! FEMALE INITIATE #2 Oh, like I'm the only one. Don't get me wrong, pal, for a sneeze it was okay, it's just, I was expecting...more. PRIEST More? Well, maybe that's your problem. Maybe there is no more. MEMBER #3 Yeah! Maybe there is no — huh? What is that supposed to mean? Wait a minute, you’re not saying that…that… PRIEST The nose knows. MEMBER #3 Whoa, hold on right there! I ain't paying no five grand to sit around and sneeze for the hell of it, I can tell you that! FEMALE INITIATE #2 (shock) You're paying five grand for this? PRIEST That includes parking. FEMALE INITIATE #2 Oh forget it! LIGHTS down on the session. NARRATOR With each passing day, Flounders grew ever more reclusive as the movement he spawned collapsed around him. Membership fell to an all time low and the few diehards who remained spoke privately of a deeply troubled man who spent endless hours seeking the elusive sneeze. LIGHTS up on Flounders as he shakes a pollen-laden sprig of goldenrod then leans in and breathes deeply. Nothing. His eyes follow a particular spec and he makes a grab. FLOUNDERS Got ya', you little - Flounders jams the spec of pollen in his nose and, despite being congested, inhales deeply. Several moments pass and he does not sneeze. MIDGE, Flounder's beleaguered wife, ENTERS. MIDGE Ross, please, it's three in the morning. FLOUNDERS Can't you see wha' I'b doing?! MIDGE Yes, and it's ridiculous. Give it up. Please, Ross, let's move back to Ohio. We'll buy up some cheap farmland and build some more of those great malls! The really big ones, just like the old days before you got so...so.... FLOUNDERS Wha'b? Say it! MIDGE Nose-crazy! FLOUNDERS
Copyright © 1999 William Seebring |