Tales From The Outer-Boroughs (2)
GOVERNESK Da Bear! ALL (but GOVERNESK) Da Bear?! GOVERNESK Ya, da Bear! In der voooods! All move to the window and peer out. GRAMGRUM Vat Bear? Die no-kang see nein Bear. GOVERNESK Dosk no-kang see your own shnozle! GRAMGRUM Ummergautten, der es nein Bear! The Governesk turns to strike GramGrum but Franz stops her. The Wolfkin turns aside and ROARS. All shudder and look out the window. GOVERNESK Herr Shtupolitz, kang you harken da Bear in der voods? Franz cups his ear. The Wolfkin ROARS again. FRANZ Ya! Die kang harken da Bear. WOLFKIN Eeeee Papa! Da Bear! FRANZ Don't fret Dabble. Ve are safe from da Bear en dis abode. GOVERNESK Nein, Herr mein fuhrer. Da Bear es bloch und blundersome. Und, da Bear kang smash da shultzen blinders vit une dinky-shlip ov its itty-mitty clacken. GEORG MITTLE Itty-mitty clacken! Eeesh, Papa! Shtop da Bear! GRAMGRUM Der es nein Bear! GOVERNESK Shtifle! Der es une Bear und Herr Shtupolitz must shniff da Bear down dis minken! WOLFKIN Ya Papa! MELLON Franz, der knockten es near. Vait till morgin to shniff da Bear down. GOVERNESK Nein! Herr Shtupolitz must shniff da Bear down dis minken! GRAMGRUM Franz, don't be une dimmle-vit! Der es nein Bear in da voods! (points her cane at the Governesk) Da only peril in dis abode es dat crimmen-slurper und her Wolfkin ally! GOVERNESK (exploding with obscenities) FOWL-BRED, BLUNT-NOGGENED, KRAZZLE-BELLIED, FIBBEN-LEIBER! The Governesk grabs GramGrum and thrusts her fist over her mouth, grabbing and twisting. Franz jumps in but can't pull them apart. Suddenly, the Governesk breaks free. In her hand she has GramGrum's dentures. GramGrum's face contorts and she moans bitterly, but her teeth and voice are gone. GRAMGRUM Mmmm-mmmm-mmmm!! MELLON Eich mein Doodle! Mellon faints, Franz revives her but she faints again. The Governesk holds GramGrum's teeth out and mocks them. GOVERNESK Und vhat vocals dosk da elder hagen utter now? Hmmm? GRAMGRUM Mmmmm-mmmm-mmmm! The Governesk laughs. GramGrum feebly grabs for her teeth but the Governesk keeps them just out of reach, taunting her. GOVERNESK Mmmm-mmmm-mmm...? Die no-kang make sense-links ov dose verdens. GRAMGRUM Mmmm-mmmm-mmm!! FRANZ Herr Frau! Gig da elder-hagen her dental-vorks, dis minken! GRAMGRUM Mmmm-mmmm! GOVERNESK Shtifle! Das putrid klump ov shriveled spindle-shticks! FRANZ Herr frau! Die kried, Dis Minken! GOVERNESK (spinning on Franz) Und Die kried, SHTIFLE! Now totally out of control, The Governesk throws the teeth down and smashes them underfoot. GOVERNESK Shtifle! Shtifle! Shtifle! During this frenzy, the Wolfkin, unobserved by the others, slips out of the cradle, creeps to the door and opens it wide. He then slinks over to hide in the shadows of a large dresser, such that he is not readily visible to the others. At the same time, Franz sets Mellon down and grabs the Governesk. FRANZ Shtop-it! Shtop-it! Shtop-it! GOVERNESK Dat elder hagen got-ben at mein flanks firm der furst debit Die entered dis abode! FRANZ Die no vant der lamey ex-klamations! Die vant you flungled from dis abode dis minken! GOVERNESK Bund, mein fuhrer! Die, Die, Die no-kang believe - FRANZ Dos-kang believe it, Frau! Dow es dis-kar-goed from der duties! Und dere es da shultzen-blinder! Franz turns and points toward the door and sees the cradle is empty. FRANZ Huh? Vhere es Dabble!? Franz rips into the bedding. Mellon stirs and tries to stand. MELLON Dabble!? Did someone utter, Dabble? FRANZ Mellon, Dabble is...va-moosk! GEORG MITTLE Va-moosk?! GOVERNESK (pointing to the open door) Herr Shtupolitz! Look und see! Da shultzen blinders are vide-ulpen! FRANZ Vide-ulpen! Eich mein doodle! Dabble got-ben nap-kinned! GEORG MITTLE Nap-kinned! GOVERNESK Dimmle-vit! Dabble not-got-ben nap-kinned! Dabble got-ben shnatched by da Bear! GEORG MITTLE Shnatched by da Bear! GOVERNESK Ya, da Bear! Harken.... The Governesk, Franz, Georg and Mittle all listen for the Bear. Mellon is staring off in a daze while GramGrum frantically tries to gather up her teeth. The Wolfkin, who partially remains hidden, snickers, unaware he's been cued. GOVERNESK Die kried....HARKEN for da gruff ov da Bear!! Some moments pass, still no roaring Bear. The Governesk fumes. She looks toward the Wolfkin and stomps her foot. GOVERNESK DIE KRIED, HARKEN!!! The Wolfkin jumps, takes a deep breath and ROARS. GOVERNESK Da Bear! GEORG MITTLE Papa! Papa! Da Bear! Da Bear! FRANZ Ya! Die harkened da gruff ov da Bear! GramGrum suddenly notices the Wolfkin. She tries to shout but her teeth keep falling out. She shakes her cane and murmurs to no avail. FRANZ Georg, Mittle. GEORG MITTLE Ya, Papa? FRANZ Go giggen me mein gang! GEORG MITTLE Der gang? GOVERNESK Shnell! Shnell! Georg and Mittle EXIT. GramGrum smacks the floor with her cane. Franz and the Governesk turn. GramGrum points to where the Wolfkin is hiding. GRAMGRUM Mmmmm! Mmmmmm! Mmmmm! FRANZ Vhat es vit da elder hagen? GOVERNESK Her glazens are dim und [TAPPING GRAMGRUM'S HEAD] her tinker-box es addled. GRAMGRUM Mmmm! Mmmmm! Georg and Mittle ENTER. GEORG MITTLE Papa! Papa! Der gang! Once again, Franz makes a show for the children of inspecting the rifle. Unnoticed, the Governesk grabs GramGrum and pushes her to the door. GOVERNESK Heidle-zane, elder hagen. With that, she pushes GramGrum out the door. A moment later, we hear a loud CRASH. FRANZ Vhat vas dat? GOVERNESK Uh...Da Bear!! Ya, dat vas da block und blundersome Bear! The Governesk makes an underhanded motion to the Wolfkin. GOVERNESK Harken! Da Bear es at der shultzen blinders! The Wolfkin smacks the wall and ROARS. GEORG MITTLE Papa! Papa! Da Bear! Da Bear! GOVERNESK Herr Shtupolitz, dow must shniff da Bear down, all knockten iffen need be. FRANZ Ya, Die must shniff down da Bear und rekoop mein winkly! Franz stiffens then marches toward the door. The Governesk grabs the children and holds them back. Mellon, still in a daze, reaches for Franz. MELLON Klock der glazens Franz, und rekindle der shleeple... FRANZ Bund Mellon, Die must go und shniff down da - MELLON Das Wolfkin? Nein, Franz, dere es nein Wolfkin. Dat vas une drivel-malt...une drivel- malt. FRANZ Das Wolfkin...? GOVERNESK Dere es nein Wolfkin, dimmle-vit! Dere es une BEAR! MELLON (fading fast) Une drivel-malt...une drivel-malt.... Franz eases Mellon into a chair. FRANZ Rekindle der shleeple, frau. Bund, Die must partaway und shniff da Bear down. GEORG MITTLE Papa, Ve come too, ya? GOVERNESK Nein! Der grummlinks must shtay in dis abode! GEORG MITTLE Bund, Papa! GOVERNESK Shtifle! Herr Shtupolitz es der fuhrer ov dis famlink und he orders der grummlinks to shtay in dis abode. (directly at Franz) Das es so, Herr mein fuhrer? FRANZ Ya, Die um der fuhrer ov dis famlink bund - GOVERNESK (as if most impressed) Ya! Und dow maken der lack verdens! The Governesk pushes Franz toward the door. GOVERNESK Und mein fuhrer did kry; Heidle-zane, grummlinks! GEORG MITTLE Heidle-zane, Papa! FRANZ Bund - Franz is reluctant to leave but the Governesk keeps pushing him. GOVERNESK Und now mein brave fuhrer must go und shniff down da Bear! FRANZ Ya, bund - GOVERNESK Und re-koop der winkly, ya?! FRANZ Ya, bund - She jams the lantern at Franz's and shuts the door in his face. GOVERNESK Heidle-zane, Franzie. FRANZ (o.s.) Heidle-zane. The Governesk snickers. The Wolfkin steps out of the shadows. BLACKOUT. LIGHTS up in the forest. Franz is making his way down the trail, his rifle in one arm while hoisting the lantern in the other. FRANZ Die must shniff da Bear down und rekoop mein winkly... (emphatic) Ya, rekoop mein winkly! He disappears offstage. BLACKOUT. LIGHTS up in the Shtupolitz cabin where utter terror reigns. The Wolfkin is chasing after Georg while the Governesk has Mittle and is shoving her into the oven. Mellon has lost it, muttering and cradling an invisible baby. BLACKOUT. LIGHTS up in the forest where Franz continues down the trail. He stops and HEARS a moaning sound. As Franz crosses, LIGHTS reveal GramGrum, trapped in her wheelchair and wrapped around a tree. FRANZ Eich mein doodle! It's der elder hagen! Franz shakes GramGrum. She slowly comes around. FRANZ Elder hagen? Did da Bear do dis? Shpeak elder hagen! Vhich vay did da Bear go? GramGrum mutters as she gathers her teeth and works them into place. She motions Franz closer. He bends to her. FRANZ Da Bear, elder hagen! Vhich vay did he go? GramGrum motions Franz closer then smacks him with her cane. GRAMGRUM Dimmle-vit! Franz stumbles back, dazed. GRAMGRUM Das es da blockest dimmle-vit in der whole goonderverse! FRANZ Bund, elder hagen... GRAMGRUM Ulpen der glazens und shniff der coffee buds! FRANZ Huh? GRAMGRUM Dere es nein Bear in da voods! Dere vas never une Bear in da voods! Da only peril vas dat crimmen slurper und her Wolfkin lover-boy! Dey kong-spired to puff up der flabby egg-o und dick-stract you from der better-sense-links vit dat riddle-dick-u-lous tale ov some phantom Bear in der voods! Und now, Die kang vouch for sure dat dey are deck- stroying der abode dis minken vhile you stroll thru der voods like, like, some picnic taker! GramGrum gasps and clutches her chest. FRANZ Elder hagen! GRAMGRUM It's mein thumper... GramGrum slumps. Franz shakes her. It's useless. He smacks himself. FRANZ Die am von block doomkopf! Franz grabs his rifle and lantern and runs back up the trail. BLACKOUT. LIGHTS up on the Shtupolitz Cabin. Clothes and debris are strewn about but there is no sign of Mellon nor the children, but, we find the Wolfkin and the Governesk in bed enjoying a bit of sado-masochistic fun. The two lovers fall back onto the bed. Franz ENTERS unnoticed. GOVERNESK Ya, dat Franz es von dimmle-vit for sure. WOLFKIN (impersonating Franz) Die um der fuhrer ov dis famlink, und Die vill shootz da Bear!!! GOVERNESK Bear mein footle! Vhat a doomkopf! The Wolfkin ROARS and grabs the Governesk. They paw and giggle. Franz steps forward. Suddenly, they sense his presence. The giggling stops. The Governesk covers herself. GOVERNESK Herr Shtupolitz...! FRANZ Vhat iz da sense-links ov dis? GOVERNESK (innocently) Nothing. Die er.... Did dosk shootz da Bear? FRANZ Vhere es mein frau, Mellon? Und der grummlinks? The Wolfkin BELCHES then snickers. GOVERNESK Shhh, Wolfkin, er, winkly.... FRANZ Dat es nein mein winkly! Dat es Das Wolfkin! WOLFKIN Goo-goo, papa...Dabble, papa... Franz hoists his gun and takes aim at the Wolfkin. WOLFKIN Uh-oh. GOVERNESK Herr Shtupolitz, er, uh — Gig mein der gang und Die vill shootz Das Wolfkin! WOLFKIN Ya, she vill shootz das — huh? The Governesk winks broadly at the Wolfkin. WOLFKIN Oh, ya! Ya, Franzie, gig - FRANZ Shtifle! (to the Wolfkin) Heidle-zane, Herr Wolfkin. Franz pulls the trigger. The gun CLICKS. He tries again but again the gun CLICKS. He shakes it and stamps it to the floor but it's jammed. FRANZ Dang-gang! WOLFKIN (snickering) Awww, der gang nein shootzen. GOVERNESK Herr Shtupolitz, dis got-ben von long debit, und, mein fuhrer needs his shleeple, ya? The Wolfkin and the Governesk ease out of bed and advance on Franz. He backs away until he stumbles upon the empty cradle. He turns and stares at it. FRANZ Dabble...mein winkly. Und now mein thumper pitter-pats vit feezle-links ov pittle-shame. GOVERNESK Franzie... giggen mein der gang.... WOLFKIN Ya, Franzie... FRANZ NEIN!!! Franz hoists the barrel end of the gun and SMACKS the Wolfkin across the head. For a moment the Wolfkin appears unfazed. He even smiles. WOLFKIN (an English gentleman) I say there old chap, can you smell the periwinkles? I believe I can. GOVERNESK Herr...Wolfkin...? Franz WHACKS the Wolfkin across the head a second time. Again, he seems unfazed. WOLFKIN Oh dear, I seem to have misplaced...my...nickel. The Wolfkin falls dead onto the bed. The Governesk kneels to him. GOVERNESK Das Wolfkin is...kapoot! She covers him with a sheet. FRANZ Ya, und now for da ummergautten. GOVERNESK Herr mein fuhrer — shtop dis, dis madness. She rushes Franz. They tussle. GOVERNESK Shtop mein fuhrer! Shtop! Shtop! FRANZ Shtifle Frau! Shtifle! Shtifle! Shtifle! Franz pushes her to the door and flings her outside. Moments later we hear a loud CRASH. Franz yells after her. FRANZ Die um der fuhrer ov dis famlink und Die utter da lach-verdens! The LIGHTS slowly dim to black save a special. Franz enters the light. His bravado slowly fades as the truth of his words sink in. FRANZ Ya, Die utter...der...lach-verdens.... GRAMGRUM (o.s.) Pittle-shticks! FRANZ Huh? GRAMGRUM (o.s.) Die kried, pittle-shticks! FRANZ Elder hagen!? Die harken der vocals bund Die no-kang see you. GRAMGRUM (o.s.) Die um up in der fluffies vit der angelings. FRANZ Und Klaus Klingle? GRAMGRUM (o.s.) Ya, him too. FRANZ (with difficulty) Und...mein frau...und der grummlinks...und - GRAMGRUM (o.s.) Nein! FRANZ Nein? GRAMGRUM (o.s.) Dow kang save der grummlinks und der frau Mellon bund, dow must not vaste von minkin! FRANZ Ya? Bund, bund...? GRAMGRUM (o.s.) Dimmle-vit, use der tinker-box! Bund hurry! [FADING] Hurry! LIGHTS up full. Franz spins around, looking for some clue. FRANZ Vhere? How? Vhat? (smacks his head) Dern tinker-box, giggen me une inkling! (an idea) Eich mein doodle! Ya, Dabble es in der Wolfkin's belly-shtump! Franz runs to the bed and throws back the sheet to reveal the Wolfkin costume. Franz rips open the Wolfkin's belly and peers down inside. FRANZ Mellon! Grummlinks! Heidle-lang! Anybody down dere? GEORG MITTLE (o.s.) (as if from some distance) Papa! Papa! FRANZ Georg! Mittle! Franz reaches in and pulls out Georg first, then Mittle. GEORG MITTLE Papa, Mamma! Mamma! Mamma! Franz reaches in and helps Mellon out. FRANZ Mellon, Die ben von big block doomkopf! MELLON Nein! Bund der winkly, Franz! Shnell! FRANZ Dabble? MELLON Ya! Franz reaches in and pulls up a swaddled baby. He and the family embrace. FRANZ Dabble — mein winkly. ALL Und now our thumpers pittle-pittle-pat vit feezle-links ov joydle-zang! FRANZ Ya, feezle-links ov joydle-zang! A wolf HOWLS. FRANZ Das Wolfkin? Again a wolf HOWLS. GEORG MITTLE Eeesh, Papa! Das Wolfkin is en der winkly! FRANZ Der winkly!
Copyright © 1999 William Seebring |