Doctors Rx Us (4)
Kelly, would you be a dear and mop up this blood? I need to figure out what to do with Chuck. (to salesmen) Why are you not sitting? COOPER I’d prefer to stand. SHERI Standing around won’t get that contract signed now will it? Have a seat. They hesitate. SHERI Go on. They sit together but Cooper leaves an empty chair between himself and Chuck. SHERI Okay, now skooch over. Go ahead. Cooper hesitates, but then sits right next to Chuck. SHERI That’s better. Just wait right there. Sheri goes behind the counter and picks up the phone. COOPER Is she the one who told you about the cannollis? DAVID Yup. COOPER I still can’t get that taste out of my mouth. And what did they brew that coffee in? A jock strap? What kind of dives are you bringing me to Hayes? DAVID These are our customers. What do you want me to do? COOPER Find some new ones. Look at this place. This guy looks like he’s dead. Why can’t you take me some place nice, like a golf course? DAVID I don’t think we have any golf courses that advertise. COOPER And why is that? DAVID I don’t know. They don’t need to? COOPER Are you a numbskull? Everybody needs to advertise! DAVID Do we have a golf course with a billboard? COOPER Golf courses don’t need billboards. They’ve got the PGA. They’ve got reputations. They’ve got standing. Reputable places don’t need to advertise. DAVID You mean like Augusta National or the Mayo Clinic clinic for instance? COOPER Exactly. DAVID That’s why we’re here. The Man with Cast is at the counter during the light changes paying his bill. LIGHT CHANGE - The examination room is highlighted. Thug is getting stitched up by Dr. James, Kelly is assisting. THUG Can you give me something for the pain, doc? DR. JAMES Does he have insurance? KELLY No, doctor. DR. JAMES Then - no. KELLY How are you going to get the phone out? DR. JAMES Might have to just let nature take its course. KELLY Do you think I should give him an enema? DR. JAMES That might be just the ticket! LIGHT CHANGE - Dr. James Office is highlighted. Dale is on the phone. DALE I know that it doesn’t make sense. But would you trust me please? Look, I was a hostage! It was terrible! He had a gun and - No. I’m not going to be on the news. Can you just please calm down and come here and get me? Doctors Rx Us. You were? When? What happened? You don’t have to bring the boys. Okay, well, I don’t know about that, just - I just told you, I was here already and my car won’t start and now somebody swallowed my phone. I know it doesn’t make sense. I just said that. Dolores, just come and get me. LIGHT CHANGE - to highlight waiting room and counter. The Man with Cast exits out front door. Dr. Morton and Sheri are behind the counter together. Sheri is on the phone, apparently on hold. DR. MORTON You call this a paycheck? Starving disease ridden children in third world countries make more than this. SHERI Maybe you can get a job with them. DR. MORTON Who are you calling? SHERI The coroner. To pick up Chuck. DR. MORTON I’ll bet they give him more for his body parts than this paycheck is worth. SHERI If you want to go with him you could probably make the same deal. Dale steps out of the back and into the waiting room. David and Cooper notice him immediately. Cooper stands and steps over to him. David follows. DALE (to Sheri) Thanks for letting me use the phone. My ride should be here any minute. SHERI No problem. DR. MORTON Hey! You’re the guy with the fout. Is your crotch feeling any better? COOPER Not for long. He sees Cooper standing very close to him, arms crossed. DALE It’s - uh - Oh, God! Mr. Cooper! COOPER Dale Fout! Why are you here? And why weren’t you at this mornings meeting? DALE I’m - Well, I’m sick. I was sick. DR. MORTON He’s got a severe case of jock itch. DALE (to Dr. Morton) That’s personal. DR. MORTON And he’s got the fout. I’d stay away from him if I were you. DALE Let me explain, Mr. Cooper. I was here for a very short time and this guy came in to rob the place, and he took us hostage, and then he took my phone and he swallowed it. COOPER What? DALE I swear, that’s the truth! Dr. James and Kelly bring Thug out and Kelly gives Dale his phone back. Kelly has a mop. KELLY Here you go. She starts mopping up the blood. DALE You got it out? DR. JAMES It was in his pocket. COOPER Fout, you’re not making any sense. Is this why you don’t have any numbers on the board? Out screwing around in medical clinics? Are you doctor shopping for drugs? Is that it? DR. JAMES Who’s your doctor? Morton? Why didn’t I get to bid? Coopers’ cell phone rings and he goes to answer it. COOPER (to Dale) I’ll deal with you in a minute. (to phone) Hello. Cooper steps away to talk on the phone. The seat farthest away is next to Chuck. He sits there. DAVID Dale, what are you doing here? KELLY He’s got jock itch. DALE (to Kelly) Do you mind? (to David) Look, I needed some medical attention and my car broke down, so here I am. What are you doing here? And why is Cooper with you? DAVID This is one of our accounts. I need to renew them and he wanted to ride with me today. DALE Beautiful. This is just great. I drive ten miles out of my way to find a walk in clinic where nobody will recognize me and you guys show up. Thanks. DAVID It’s not like we planned it. DALE I know. But Cooper? Of all the lousy luck. DAVID Don’t worry about it. If this is the worst thing that could have happened to you, you’re still having a good day. Nobody else is going to recognize you. Victoria enters through the front door. VICTORIA Dale? DALE Victoria? DR. JAMES Victoria! VICTORIA Dr. James. DALE Dr. James? DR. JAMES Dale? Dr. James and Dale look at each other in disgust. DALE Victoria, what are you doing here? VICTORIA Me? What are you doing here? Kelly moves over to the counter by Dr. Morton. DALE Me? I’m here on a sales call. This is my coworker, David. David, Victoria. DAVID Hello. How do you two know each other? DALE That’s not important. DR. JAMES Is this the guy you met at the carnival? The one who was passed out on the hood of your car? Is this the guy I’ve been competing with for your attention? My God! I thought he would at least be good-looking. DALE Excuse me? Is this the same Doctor James who thought it was more important to go jet-skiing on Lake Elna than to sit with you through your sap-sucking TV show about ugly people having plastic surgery? DR. JAMES Have you ever watched those shows? They’re disgusting! Those people are hideous! THUG They really are. I don’t know how anybody could watch that stuff. David approaches Sheri. DAVID Sheri. My boss is on a phone call right now. He’s distracted, so it would be a great time for you to sign this and let me get out of here. What do you say? SHERI I’m on the phone with the coroners office, right now dear. Let me just take care of this little thing and we’ll get you taken care of next. DAVID The coroners office? Did somebody die? SHERI Yes. And I need them to come and pick up the body. DAVID Where’s the body? In back? SHERI No. He’s right there. Your boss is using him as a desk. Cooper has placed a magazine on Chuck’s lap and is writing something down while he talks on the phone. COOPER Okay. 722. Good. Okay, what’s the next one? DAVID He’s dead? SHERI Mmm-hhmm. David is a bit disgusted. Kelly is dealing with Thug at the other end of the counter. KELLY Sheri. This man needs to make arrangements to pay his bill. SHERI Him? He tried to rob us! KELLY That’s because he doesn’t have any money. SHERI We’re not charity workers here. DR. MORTON Hah! You got that right! Not all of us, anyway. Some people can afford billboards. Cooper gets off the phone leaving magazines on Chuck’s lap. He summons Dale with a twitching finger. COOPER Fout! Conference time. Dale is stuck trying to win over Victoria. DALE I’ll explain it in a minute, Victoria. Somebody had my phone. VICTORIA That still doesn’t tell me who Dolores is! DALE In a minute! COOPER Fout! Dale reluctantly leaves Dr. James and Victoria to talk to Cooper. They sit down next to Chuck. DAVID (to Dr. James) That guy is really dead, isn’t he? DR. JAMES Don’t look at me. I didn’t kill him. Thug overhears this and looks at Dr. James. THUG Oh - don’t even, man. That’s not fair. DR. JAMES What? Not fair? You were trying to steal the body! THUG But I didn’t! VICTORIA You have a really weird job. DR. JAMES But a really great pharmacy. Victoria is staring across the room at Dale. DR. JAMES Are you staring at that guy? I thought you were over him. VICTORIA I thought I was, too. He’s just so handsome. So manly. So virile. DR. JAMES Him? DAVID Dale Fout? DR. JAMES I think you need an optometrist. VICTORIA I’m sorry, James. I thought I could get him out of my mind. But now, I see what a truly beautiful human being he is. So dashing. So strong. Dale is terrified of losing his job. DALE Oh, please! Mr. Cooper! You don’t understand. I couldn’t call anybody. I was trapped here! I couldn’t get out! My car wouldn’t start! Dale kneels down. DALE You can’t fire me. You just can’t! VICTORIA (to Dr. James) We should go back to just having sex on Tuesdays. DAVID You do have a weird job. DR. JAMES It’s all about the perks. The Woman enters, without her kids, to give Dale a ride. This is DOLORES. DOLORES Dale? Dale turns and stands. DALE Dolores. VICTORIA Dolores? She’s Dolores? THUG Dude! I know that voice! (to Victoria) You’re the lady who called him on his phone when I was holding you guys hostage. DALE (to Cooper) You see! You think I make this stuff up. There’s the idiot right there! THUG Hey! DR. JAMES (to Thug) Don’t fight this. DOLORES (to Dale) Are you ready to go? DALE Yes. Absolutely. Let’s get out of here. Victoria steps into Dales path and blocks him. VICTORIA Where do you think you’re going? DOLORES Who’s she? VICTORIA Who’s she? DR. MORTON First jock itch, then the fout, now two jealous women? Glad I’m not him. KELLY At least he has an insurance card. THUG Hey. KELLY I’m just saying. He’s prepared. DR. MORTON Looks like he’s going to need it. DOLORES Victoria? I know who you are! You’re the one that he rescued when you passed out drunk on the hood of his car at the circus. KELLY I thought it was the carnival. DR. MORTON Sshhh! Don’t interrupt! DAVID She was passed out? DR. JAMES That does make more sense. DALE Aaugh! Do I have to explain myself to everybody? Ladies - please - DR. JAMES What do they see in him? DAVID Got me. VICTORIA Is she your wife? THUG The plot thickens. Dude. You need to roll out of here like yesterday. DALE Look - Dolores is my - COOPER Hold it Fout! DR. MORTON Good God, the man has a name. He shouldn’t call him by his disease. COOPER You’re not going anywhere. I want to know exactly why you thought it was more important to spend your day here than coming to work. Ellen bolts into the doorway, wasted, her arm flailing about. ELLEN (singing) Iiiiiiiiii’m coming over so you better get this party started! Sheri hangs up the phone and interrupts her singing. SHERI Ellen. Honey, no! ELLEN (singing) I’m coming up! I’m coming up! SHERI No. No, no, no, uh-uh! No! Everything comes to a dead stop with Sheri standing right in front of Ellen stopping her from dancing. Ellen looks very depressed and Sheri shakes her head and points to the door. They react to each other with expressions only. Ellen: Are you sure? Sheri: I’m sure. Sheri looks at the door. Ellen looks at the door. Sheri nods. Ellen steps back and hangs her head briefly, then starts dancing again. ELLEN (singing) Get this party started on a Saturday night! Everybody is waiting for me to arrive. SHERI And you have! That’s it. I’m done. Finished. Just shoot me. (to Thug) Where’s your gun? Oh, that’s right, the dog ate it. Same reason you didn’t pass fourth grade. THUG Hey. KELLY (to Thug) Don’t! Just let it go. Sheri throws her clipboard on the floor and marches away behind the counter and sits at the desk. She broods. COOPER (to Dale) Alright, now. Where were we? Cooper huddles with Dale. They have an animated conversation. Victoria huddles with Dolores. They too have an animated conversation. Dr. James And Kelly take Ellen aside and talk. Thug huddles with Dr. Morton and they speak quietly. David goes over to Sheri with the contract. DAVID Sheri? SHERI Oh, God. Are you kidding? Don’t you ever give up? DAVID Look, you promised. I’ll rip it up tonight. I swear. David and Sheri continue in soft conversation. Dolores and Victoria get louder. DOLORES Maybe if you weren’t such a creepy nut case, he would have stayed interested in you. DR. MORTON Ooooh! THUG Ooooh! VICTORIA Did you just call me creepy? DOLORES Oh, you bet I did! Because I know all about you! Dale told me everything. When the circus kicked you out of the sideshow, Dale was the one who rescued you. He paid to have all your body armor removed from your piercings. Then you got yourself in pretty good shape, but did you treat him with respect? No. I remember. I remember when you finally had those fifteen lip rings removed and they pulled the barbed wire out of your eyebrows - guys started to look at you different, but you didn’t think about Dale. No. You didn’t remember how Dale took you from being a freak of nature - The Missing Chain-Link Woman - to becoming a human being people could look at without puking. You just went ahead and started wearing make-up and normal clothes and combing your hair and Dale, well, he was just convenient, good for a laugh here and there and you just tossed him aside. Looked in the mirror one day and forgot how you got there. Forgot all about Dale. You might have gone from ugly to beautiful but your heart went the other way. You don’t deserve a man as respectable and dignified as him. Dale is falling to his knees again before Cooper. DALE But, Mr. Cooper! You can’t fire me! I need this job! Can I at least work some overtime? I’ll make it up on Saturday. Can I do that? Cooper moves to center stage. COOPER Forget it! If there’s one thing you’ve proved it’s that you don’t take this job seriously. If you did, you would never have gotten jock itch in the first place. THUG (to Dr. Morton) He is right. Ellen is being steadied by Kelly and Dr. James. KELLY Ellen, honey, why don’t you just sit down for a while. They lead her over a few seats from Chuck. ELLEN I don’t want to sit down. I want to party! KELLY Ellen, the cake isn’t even here yet. Just wait a while. DR. JAMES We could step out back in the alley. Did you bring any, you know? ELLEN Aaugh! I knew I forgot something! Kelly and Dr. James shrug in disappointment. ELLEN Hey, what’s up with Chuck? KELLY He’s dead. Remember? ELLEN Oh, yeah. You know, he actually doesn’t look too bad for being dead. Dr. James and Kelly leave Ellen in the chair and move towards center to hear the conversation. COOPER Hayes! You got that contract signed yet? DAVID Not yet, Mr. Cooper. COOPER Well, what are you waiting for? The dead to rise from their graves? Let’s get a move on. DOLORES (to Dale) So, are you ready to go, or what? Victoria grabs Dale and hugs him, squeezing. Ellen stands up and starts playing with her good hand, waving and watching it in front of her face. VICTORIA Oh, Dale! Give me another chance. Please. I mean, I know you’re nailing this new chick, and she’s not so hot, obviously, but she’s right. You are just so - DOLORES Excuse me! Creepy nut case! I am his sister! Dr. Morton Shakes his head. THUG Dude! Your sister? That’s just not right man. Sheri moves out to the waiting area, ignoring David, who is right behind her. DAVID Just one more minute Mr. Cooper. Sheri - Sophia returns, holding the door for Nancy who has the huge sheet cake. SHERI Well, look who’s here. Sophia kisses Dr. Morton on the cheek. SOPHIA Happy Birthday, Dr. Morton! DR. MORTON Is that for me? SHERI That’s a beautiful cake. NANCY I’ve got four boxes of candles, so let me get them all set up and we’ll sing Happy Birthday. DR. JAMES Eighty candles? You want to burn the place down? KELLY What are we waiting for? (singing) Happy Birthday to you! Kelly starts the song and everyone joins in. EVERYONE Happy Birthday to you! Happy Birthday, Doctor Morton, Happy Birthday to you! Victoria is still clutching Dale. DALE Victoria, what are you talking about? VICTORIA I’m talking about us. That’s why I called you today. I want us to be together. DALE Really? VICTORIA Really. DALE I don’t have a job anymore. VICTORIA I don’t care. DALE You’re not going to see Dr. James anymore are you? VICTORIA Well, he does crack my back on Tuesdays. DR. JAMES I am her family physician. DALE Okay. Well, you do have to take care of your health. COOPER Are we ready to go? DAVID As soon as Sheri signs the contract. (to Sheri) Sheri, please! SHERI David, I told you, when I’m good and ready. CHUCK (coughs) Chuck comes back to life and scares Ellen who screams and spins around and hits the sheet cake with her broken arm, smashing it all over Mr. Cooper. ELLEN Aaaaaah! Everyone is amazed as Chuck stands up. KELLY Chuck! How are you feeling? CHUCK Better. I think I pooped. SHERI Okay! Now I’m ready. Sheri signs the contract. SHERI Nothing like the icing on a cake, is there? THE END CAST REPORT DALE 30-40’s Business man, Clean Cut, suit KELLY 30’s Nurse NANCY 50’s Nurse SHERI 40’s Nurse, Owner of Clinic CHUCK 50’s + Old Man, Scruffy, Shabbily dressed DR. JAMES 30-40’s Clean Cut Doctor, Tall DAVID 20’s-30’s Salesman, Clean Cut, Friendly DR. MORTON 80th Birthday, Small and Cynical man SOPHIA 30’s Nail Tech from next door VICTORIA 30’s Sexy woman, dressed slutty MAN WITH CAST 50’s + Bearded, Shabby ELLEN 20’s-40’s Oddball, laid back. THUG 20’s Stupid, thinks he’s a gangster. WOMAN / DOLORES 30’s Dales cousin, Mother of 2 boys 2 BOYS Ages 8 and 12 COOPER 40’s Dale and Davids’ Boss - Tough Guy, Corporate
Copyright © 2007 Mike Rembis |