Doctors Rx Us (3)
I’m not a murderer! He was already dead! ELLEN That’s not what I saw. SOPHIA That’s right, I saw him walk in and sit down. KELLY He even signed in on the clipboard. SOPHIA You don’t even need three strikes to get the electric chair. ELLEN Old Sparky! SHERI It’s really a shame. Chuck was such a good patient, a regular customer, too. KELLY I didn’t even get a chance to give him his final enema. SHERI See what you’ve done? Now who’s going to pay for his office visit? THUG He died! SHERI And whose fault is that? THUG Not mine! A car horn blows outside. Ellen stands and starts to leave. ELLEN That’s Fred. Thanks for letting me wait in here, Sheri. Good luck with the robbery and the murder and everything. I’ll see you la - THUG You’re not going anywhere! Sit down. ELLEN You going to kill me next? Is that it? Thug gets right in her face. THUG I said sit down! ELLEN You ever heard of Tic-Tacs? THUG Sit down! ELLEN I’m just saying, it’s not a bad idea. You might want to think about - THUG Shut up. Now look! Nobody is going anywhere! I am in charge here! I don’t want anybody getting any smart ideas. ELLEN With you in charge I don’t see how anybody can. Did you used to work at the video store? THUG (confused) No. Thug goes to the door and looks out to see who is blowing the horn. THUG I wish that guy would stop blowing the horn. ELLEN You want me to tell him to? THUG No. Just let me think. All of the captives laugh, except Chuck. THUG What’s so funny? DR. JAMES Perhaps I can explain it. THUG No, don’t bother. I don’t need to be confused right now. (to Dale) What are you all dressed up for? DALE This is how I dress every day. I’m a business man. THUG What kind of business are you in? DALE Promotions. Marketing. THUG That doesn’t help. We need to get rid of this guys body. Any ideas? SOPHIA We could call the police. THUG Not like that! We can’t call the police. I’m not going to jail. (to Sheri) What do you usually do when somebody dies around here? SHERI It’s not like it happens every day, but the first thing to do would be to hold a prayer service. THUG A prayer service? SOPHIA Of course. What - you don’t believe in God? THUG Of course I do. SOPHIA Well, you know he’s going to send you straight to hell now that you killed somebody. THUG I didn’t kill him! He just died! KELLY Because we couldn’t get to him in time. Isn’t that a shame? He was so young. NANCY Seventy-five if he was a day. DR. JAMES This won’t have any effect on my malpractice insurance, will it? SHERI I don’t see how. You didn’t kill him. He did. THUG For the last time, I didn’t kill him! He just died! Dr. Morton emerges from the back and walks into the waiting room. Thug points his gun at him. Dr. Morton does not flinch. DR. MORTON Who died? THUG Who are you? DR. MORTON I’m Doctor Morton. Who are you? And who did you kill? ELLEN He killed Chuck. THUG I did not kill Chuck! ELLEN Probably smelled your breath. Do you eat fish for breakfast? DR. MORTON Okay, well, stick with that story. Since you shot him - you’re the only one I see with a gun - they’re going to try and pin it on you. Who’s Chuck anyway? Everybody points to Chuck. SHERI Right over there. DR. MORTON Did he try to stab you or something? Self defense is usually a pretty good story. Juries love that stuff. You should put a knife in his hand so when the cops show up you can say you saved all these people. THUG You think that will work? DR. MORTON Why not? The worst thing that could happen is you’ll get 15 to 30 on a plea bargain. SOPHIA Or maybe life. KELLY Or maybe the chair! DR. MORTON Or maybe the chair. ELLEN Old Sparky! DR. MORTON But if I were you, I’d just get the hell out of Dodge. By the way, one word of advice. THUG Yeah? DR. MORTON Mints. Dr. Morton exits out the front door. Thug puts his hand up to his face to test his breath then notices that Dr. Morton got away. THUG Hey, where’s he going? Can you believe that guy? He just left! Thug pushes his head out the door. THUG Hey! Come back here! Hey! You - SHERI Doctor Morton. THUG Doctor Martin. SHERI Morton! Not Martin! THUG I said Martin. SHERI Not Martin. Morton. THUG Morton? What’s Morton mean? SHERI Are you done robbing us yet? THUG Oh, look! He’s gone now. He just ignored me. SHERI Don’t take it personally, he ignores everybody. THUG But that’s rude. SHERI You get used to it. ELLEN You know what? This is just like being on COPS. I wish we had a camera so we could replay it when they come in here and take him down. Maybe they’ll use a Taser! Zzt! Zzt! Little Sparky! KELLY Or rubber bullets. DALE Or real ones. SHERI And if we’re real lucky there will be collateral damage, too. DR. JAMES Did I have a golf game today? NANCY No, that’s tomorrow. Today it’s two-for-one Margaritas at Pablo’s. DR. JAMES That’s right! We’re taking Morton out for his birthday! I almost forgot! DALE How old is he? NANCY He’s eighty years old today. DALE I’ll be darned... THUG Alright! Stop it! Stop it! Everybody just be quiet! I need to think! Everybody is quiet. Thug stares out the door. Ellen walks up behind him and looks out too. He does not notice her. ELLEN (whispering) What are you thinking about? Thug bolts and bounces out the door and then comes right back in, shouting. THUG What are you doing! You scared the crap out of me! Don’t sneak up on people! ELLEN If you think that’s scary, what are you going to do when the Tasers and bullets start flying. THUG There are not going to be... The phone rings and Thug jumps. He pulls it out of his pocket. THUG Aaugh! What now? DALE Don’t answer it! THUG Shut up! (to Ellen) You - Go sit down. (into phone) Hello. Who? DALE It’s for me. THUG Oh crap! This isn’t my phone. No. He’s busy right now. DALE How am I busy? THUG Trust me, he is. Dale moves toward Thug. DALE Who is that? THUG No. It’s not him. It’s just somebody who sounds like him. DALE Is that Dolores? THUG Is this Dolores? (to Dale) She wants to know who Dolores is. DALE Aaugh! All I came back here for was a receipt! Dale goes to sit down. Thug looks at phone and holds it farther away from his ear. THUG Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Bye. He looks at the phone and puts it back in his pocket. THUG Dude. You are in so much trouble. She’s pissed. DALE Who? Who was it? THUG I don’t know, but it wasn’t Dolores. MAN WITH CAST Ah shur glad ma ol lady ain’t da jelless kin’. Szpezially da way dem women all flock to me. Dale sits and hangs his head down. DR. JAMES Don’t worry. It’s almost Margarita time. Thug peers out the door. THUG I’m not going out for Margaritas! I’m leaving. SHERI What are you waiting for? THUG For the coast to be clear. I don’t want anybody to see my face. ELLEN But we’ve all seen your face. THUG What? Oh man! Now - Oh Man! Now what am I going to do? NANCY So is he leaving or staying? Either way, I want that purse back. SHERI Oh, Mister Criminal, excuse me. THUG What? SHERI Since you’re leaving with only two dollars, would you mind giving Nancy her purse back. THUG What? No! I gotta get something out of this deal. KELLY What are you going to do with a purse? THUG Will you please leave me alone! I’m trying to get out of here. SOPHIA You’re not trying very hard. Just walk out the door. THUG And just leave all you people here with a dead body? SHERI Are you worried we might kill him again? THUG I can’t just leave you people with that dead guy. For all I know, you’ll come up with some bizarre story about how I gave him a heart attack or something. DALE Does that mean he’s going to kill us? DR. JAMES I don’t know. (to Thug) What are you trying to say? THUG I have to take him with me now. What else? ELLEN A kidnapper and a murderer. Zzt. Zzt. THUG You are not helping. Thug looks out the door again. THUG Here’s what’s going to happen. There’s a guy over there in a station wagon with the engine running. I’m going to make him get out of the car and take it. When I pull up to the door, you all carry that guy out and throw him in the back. SHERI Now that’s an episode of COPS I’d like to see. ELLEN You’re going to car-jack the guy in the station wagon? THUG You got a problem with that? Okay, you know the plan. When I pull up to the door, bring the dead guy. Thug goes out the door. SOPHIA How stupid is that guy? ELLEN If he’s talking about Fred sitting there in the station wagon waiting for me, he’s extra stupid. SHERI Extra stupid? ELLEN Goliath is in there. We hear the sounds from offstage. THUG (O.S.) Get out! Get out of the car! Horn blowing. THUG (O.S.) You heard me. Dog barking. THUG (O.S.) Hey! Dog snarling. THUG (O.S.) HEY! Everyone except Chuck runs to the door and watches in horror. ELLEN Now that’s a bad idea. THUG (O.S.) Help! OH GOD NO! MY ARM! MY ARM! LET GO! PLEASE OH GOD! LET GO! Thug runs to the glass door and screams at the group! THUG Help! Thug is pulled to the ground and out of sight. Thug keeps screaming and everyone looking through the door winces. DALE That is a big dog! Thug pushes his way in as Goliath pounds at the door. Everyone holds the door shut to keep Goliath out. Thug is bloody and his clothes are ripped to shreds. He no longer has a gun. He cowers on the floor in front of everyone. ELLEN Isn’t he a sweetheart? ACT THREE Continuous from Act Two. Moments later. Thug is lying on the floor clutching Nancy’s purse. Everyone crowds around him. Nancy snatches her purse back in a huff. SHERI Where’s your gun, smart guy? THUG I think that dog ate it. ELLEN Great! Now he’s going to have worms again. Kelly looks at his wounds. KELLY These are some deep gashes. He’s really bleeding. Sheri grabs the clipboard and pen from the counter. SHERI Here we go. Fill this out. And I need your insurance card. THUG I don’t have an insurance card. SHERI That’s okay. We take cash. Just fill out the form. KELLY Dr. James, can you take a look at this? DR. JAMES Not really. Not until he’s signed in and consents to treatment. THUG Can’t we do that later, I’m bleeding! SHERI If you had filled out the form twenty minutes ago like I told you... DR. JAMES I don’t really have time for an amputation today anyway. THUG Amputation! You mean I could lose my leg? SHERI Not if you hurry up and fill that form out. DALE Excuse me. Where is my cell phone? THUG Huh? I don’t know. Ellen swings around, her arm narrowly missing Dale. ELLEN Don’t tell me he ate that too. Now he’ll be ringing until the battery dies. Dr. James produces a cell phone and hands it to Dale. DR. JAMES Here sir. Let’s call your cell phone and find out where it is. Just dial the number and we’ll hear it ring. Dale dials. There is a muffled ringing. Everyone looks around. They all turn to Thug. Kelly who is kneeling beside him looks at his belly. She puts her ear to his stomach. The ringing stops. Then there is a “bleep” sound. KELLY You’ve got a new voice mail. DALE How in the world did that happen? How is that even possible? ELLEN He’s going to have worms. Dale sits down. The Man With Cast approaches Dr. James. MAN WITH CAST Ir yu goan look it my legg? DR. JAMES Your leg? MAN WITH CAST Uh-huh. DR. JAMES Hey, I got it! You mean the one with the cast? MAN WITH CAST Uh-huh. DR. JAMES Well apparently it was broken at some point. MAN WITH CAST Uh know, now iz juzt itchy. Dr. Morton walks back in through the front door. DR. MORTON Did he shoot himself? KELLY No, he tried to make friends with Ellen’s dog. Dr. Morton turns to Ellen. DR. MORTON Oh, you mean Goliath. I was just talking to him and Fred. He’s a sweetheart. DR. JAMES Dr. Morton handles special cases like yours. DR. MORTON (to Dr. James) What special cases? DR. JAMES I’d better let him explain it. DR. MORTON (to Man With Cast) Oh you. Didn’t I get you your ointment? You’re going to need something to scratch it with. Come on, let’s go see where Dr. James hangs his coat. Dr. Morton and the Man exit into the back. Sophia goes to leave. SOPHIA (to Sheri) Is he going to live? SHERI Not if he doesn’t hurry up and finish that paperwork. THUG Why do you have to know about childhood diseases? Like mumps? SOPHIA I have to get back to the shop. See you, girls. KELLY Don’t forget about later. SOPHIA Oh right! The party. Okay. Bye! Sophia exits. ELLEN You’re having a party? SHERI That’s right. Doc Morton’s 80th birthday, remember? ELLEN Okay, what time? SHERI Ellen, don’t you have other places to go? Things to do, people to annoy elsewhere? ELLEN Sure, but if there’s a party going on, count me in. SHERI Fine. Five O’Clock. Ellen gets close to Sheri and whispers. ELLEN You want me to bring any, you know. Ellen puts her fingers to her lips and makes the action of toking a joint. SHERI No, Ellen. That won’t be necessary. Sheri turns away and goes behind the counter. Kelly tugs Ellen’s pant leg and whispers. KELLY Hey! DR. JAMES Psst! Dr. James makes the toking motion, nods his head yes, and gives Ellen a thumbs up. Kelly and Ellen grin at each other. Ellen smiles. ELLEN Five O’Clock. Ellen smacks her casted arm into the door frame on her way out. Dr. James and Kelly wince. ELLEN It’s a good thing I took too many pills, because that probably really hurts. Ellen exits. Dale approaches Dr. James. DALE Excuse me. But how are we going to get my cell phone out of his stomach? DR. JAMES That’s just exploratory surgery. Quite simple really. We just cut him open and sew him back up. THUG Cut me open? DR. JAMES That’ll teach you not to swallow cell phones. I wonder if Goliath has rabies? THUG Rabies? DR. JAMES Why else would he bite you? DALE Excuse me Doctor. May I borrow your phone again. I actually have to make a few calls. DR. JAMES Come with me. You can use the phone in my office. KELLY Dr. James, what about Chuck? DR. JAMES What about him? KELLY What should we do with him? DR. JAMES Give him to Doctor Morton. Dr. James and Dale exit into back. Thug hands Kelly the clipboard. THUG Is this everything? KELLY Did you sign it? He signs it. Sheri comes back into the front and takes the clipboard. SHERI Okay, are we all set? THUG I think so. SHERI So what’s the problem? THUG A dog bit me! KELLY And he swallowed a cell phone. SHERI How did you swallow a cell phone? David Hayes returns, entering from the street, with his boss, MR. COOPER. Kelly helps Thug limp into the back. They see the blood on the floor. DAVID Hi Sheri. Whoa! What happened here? SHERI Oh, we had a little excitement, but it’s over now. Somebody needs some stitches, that’s all. DAVID Sheri, this is our Regional Vice President, Mr. Cooper. COOPER Pleasure to meet you Sheri. Your billboard looks terrific! SHERI (patronizing) Thank you. I think it’s the bestest billboard in the whole wide world. It’s so nice. It looks so pretty. And you can see it from the front door where it’s useless because you’re already here. I love it. And I love paying thousands and thousands of dollars for it every year just to help David - sweet David - keep his job and not be fired by you and your corporate mongrels who feed on the revenue of struggling businesses like mine just so you can wear expensive jackets - what is that Hugo Boss? - and drive overpriced luxury vehicles. What do you have? A Hummer? COOPER Escalade. SHERI Excellent! I am going to be so happy to help you contribute to continue wasting fossil fuels and ruining the environment when you could be driving something more sensible and economical and setting an example for the world other than flaunting your wealth. (loud and serious) Where do I sign! David and Cooper are dumbstruck. There is a moment of silence. COOPER So you like your billboard? Sheri glares at him with contempt. SHERI Both of you, go sit down over there, next to Chuck! (points to Cooper) You, sit down right next to him! And stay there until I call you. They go over and stand near Chuck. Nancy emerges from behind the counter. NANCY I’m going to go get the cake now. SHERI Fine. Nancy exits, Kelly appears behind the counter. SHERI
Copyright © 2007 Mike Rembis |