Doctors Rx Us (2)
VICTORIA Oh, Doctor. You have such a strong, yet gentle touch. DR. JAMES I was trained in Chiropractic by the Institute of Kama Sutra, in the Netherlands. (kissing her neck as he speaks) My teachers, Daphnus and Chloe, honed my skills in voluptuous ravagement so that I could... Stroking her back as she falls gently back on the bed, we realize they are in the midst of copulation. DR. JAMES Not only align your spine, but bring you...to...climax. At that moment, we hear Nurse Kelly speaking to the woman with children as she opens the exam room door and they all walk in and the lights in the exam room brighten. KELLY Just come right in here and the Doctor will... The woman screams and covers her children’s eyes. Victoria starts covering herself. Dr. James goes to pull up his pants, all simultaneously as the light switches back to highlight the waiting area. Everybody reacts, looking in the direction of the scream. Sheri and Nancy run in the back. Sophia is bending over the counter to see what is wrong. The Man with Cast cranes his head to see the counter, where Sophia is looking. Chuck has fallen asleep. ELLEN The exact same thing happened to me the last time I went back there. WOMAN Just what kind of place are you running here? YOUNGER BOY I saw that lady’s boobs! OLDER BOY She was getting a breast exam! I saw it on HBO. WOMAN What! Aauugh! This is... this is... SHERI Disfunctional? WOMAN Completely unprofessional! SHERI Would you like to try door number two? I’m sure Dr. Morton won’t be doing anything more than eating a sandwich in there. And for that, he’ll have his teeth in. WOMAN We won’t be coming back here, that’s for sure. Let’s go, boys. The woman rushes her boys out the door. Victoria comes out of the back and goes to the door directly behind them. VICTORIA Thank you doctor, you’re a miracle worker, I’m cured. DR. JAMES Tell your friends. ELLEN How come I never get service like that when I come in here? SHERI Because you don’t look like Victoria. Doctor James, may I have a word with you? DR. JAMES Back trouble? She grabs him by the ear and pulls him in the back. SHERI Come here! KELLY Sir? The Man with Cast points to himself, then hobbles over to the counter. KELLY Yes, sir. Can you please come over here? I’m sorry, but I can’t read your writing. The man responds with incoherent mumbles that nobody understands. MAN (mumbles) Ah txchik ah gahd ah nifetur. KELLY What? MAN Ah txchik ah gahd ah nifetur. Ah dun his me inzrs cad to ah kin goin ah hispibble. KELLY You’re kidding, right? MAN Uh-uh. She pulls Nancy away from her conversation with Sophia. KELLY Nancy, I can’t understand a word this guy is saying. Can you? NANCY I don’t know. KELLY Okay, now tell her. MAN Uh-uh. KELLY Not that! The other part. MAN Ah txchik ah gahd ah nifetur. Ah dun his me inzrs cad to ah kin goin ah hispibble. SOPHIA Maybe his English isn’t so good. Senor, se hablamos espanol? The man gets upset now. MAN Ah dun tol yu. Ma inzrs cad az ahom. Dr. Morton walks in behind the counter. KELLY Dr. Morton. We can’t understand what this man is saying. DR. MORTON Why don’t you ask him to write it down. She hands him the clipboard. KELLY We did. DR. MORTON Oh, I see. (to man) Where does it hurt? MAN Ah dun hus ma is - DR.MORTON Don’t talk! Point. The man points to his cast. DR. MORTON What’s the matter? Does it itch? MAN Yah! DR. MORTON I’ll get him some ointment. KELLY Don’t you want to look at him? DR. MORTON What for? You want me to catch a rash? Stop sending me itchy people, I don’t want to catch anything. Dr. James and Sheri walk out of the back room and behind the counter. Dr. Morton exits to back. SHERI If I didn’t need a licensed physician here so bad, you’d be looking for a new home for your golf trophies. DR. JAMES Sheri, if you didn’t have such a liberal pharmacy right next door, I wouldn’t want to be here. A young THUG (20’s) wearing a bandana bursts in the door pointing a gun. He points the gun in Kelly’s face. THUG Give me your money and your drugs. KELLY Did you try next door? ACT TWO Everyone is in their same places. Everyone is very afraid, except for Kelly and Sheri, because nothing phases them, Ellen, who is high, and Chuck, who is asleep. THUG Didn’t you hear me? I said give me your money and your drugs! KELLY What kinds of drugs do you need? THUG Do I look like I’m playing to you? SHERI Now calm down. Just calm down. THUG Don’t you tell me to be calm! Hand over the bank! Everybody sit down! Sit down over there! The thug points his gun at everyone and makes Sophia, Nancy, Kelly, the Man and Dr. James sit down. Ellen and Chuck are already seated. Sheri stays behind the counter. THUG You too, lady! Let’s go! SHERI Don’t you want me to get you your money and drugs? THUG Huh? Yeah! Yeah! You get me the money! Get it! Sheri hands him a clipboard and a pen over the counter. SHERI Okay, first I need you to fill this out. THUG What is that? SHERI It’s a requisition form. You can’t get anything without a requisition form. THUG Say what? SHERI Trust me. I wish it were easier. Here. Make sure you fill in every space. She hands him the clipboard and he takes it. He looks it over for a minute. THUG But I don’t have an insurance card. SHERI That’s okay, you can leave that spot blank. Just make sure you sign it on the bottom. He reads the form and almost starts writing. Then, he catches on. THUG Hey! I’m not going to sign anything. Now bring out the money! And the drugs. Don’t forget about the drugs. He turns to lock the door, but doesn’t see a lock. THUG How do you lock this door? SHERI You don’t. We’re open 24 hours. It doesn’t lock. THUG It doesn’t lock? What if you had an emergency and you had to close and lock up? If you don’t have good locks, you could get robbed. SHERI You’re new at this, aren’t you? He comes around the side of the counter. THUG Don’t you give me no lip lady! Just get the money out! SHERI Do you have a bag? THUG A what? SHERI A bag? Did you bring a bag? THUG No! Don’t you have any bags? SHERI We’re not a grocery store, we’re a clinic. We don’t have any bags. THUG Are you sure? SHERI Nancy, Kelly - Do we have any bags? They answer in unison. NURSES No! SHERI See? Now what are you going to carry all the money away in? The thug is confused. He steps back into the waiting room. THUG Does anybody have a bag? Everyone looks at each other. THUG A bag? You know? A bag? How about a purse? Anybody got a purse? KELLY Do you really want to be seen running down the street with a purse? ELLEN That’s why I don’t carry a purse anymore, ‘cause I had my purse snatched. SOPHIA Ooooh really? When? My Auntie Flora had her purse snatched. She was at the mall parking lot, two weeks ago. ELLEN That’s where I was! You know - stupid Fred, he just sat in the car watching, said he didn’t know it was me! THUG Hey! Shut up! (beat) So nobody has a purse? ELLEN Nancy has one. NANCY Ellen! ELLEN Oh! Sorry! My bad. THUG Okay, so where’s the purse. SHERI Right here. NANCY Sheri! I just bought that. SHERI Sorry hon. Here, I’ll take your things out. She dumps the contents on the counter. SHERI Here we go. THUG Now we’re getting somewhere. Fill it up. Sheri turns the clipboard around and places the pen on top. She clears her throat. SHERI Ahem. THUG Are you serious? SHERI How do you expect me to account for anything if I don’t keep the paperwork in order? How do you expect me to do payroll? Kelly, Nancy and Dr. James all answer together. GROUP Yeah! Dale Fout walks in through the front door, cell phone in hand and Thug spins around to point the gun at him. He snatches the phone out of his hand. THUG Give me that! Go sit down over there! GO! Dale sits down next to the man with the cast. DALE What in the world is going on here? MAN Ihn luz a holup dun no goon shoot. DALE What did he say? ELLEN He said “It looks like a hold-up. We don’t know who he’s going to shoot.” KELLY You can understand him? ELLEN How can you not understand perfect English? THUG Okay - Who else here has a cell phone? The captives all look at each other and back at the Thug. THUG Nobody? ELLEN You already got one phone, how many calls are you going to make? THUG I ain’t making no phone calls! ELLEN Then what do you need a phone for? THUG You - You just - be quiet. SHERI Good luck with that. Dales’ cell phone starts ringing in the Thugs’ hand. THUG Now what? DALE I’ll answer it. THUG No you won’t! You think I’m stupid! Is that what you think? Let you answer it and tell everybody what’s up? Ha! Thug answers the phone. DALE No - Don’t! THUG Hello? Hold on. Which one of you is Dale? DALE I am. THUG It’s for you. Thug almost hands him the phone but suddenly realizes what he is doing. THUG What? Sit down! Man! (into phone) Who is this? Well, he’s busy right now. Doing what? I’m ripping his ass off! I got his phone, I got his wallet. (to Dale) Give me your wallet. (into phone) And I got ten hostages. DALE You’ve actually got nine hostages. THUG Hold up. (to Dale) Who left? (into phone) Look, I gotta go. He’ll call you later. What? Hold up. (to crowd) Anybody got a pen? SHERI On the counter. Thug goes to the counter and takes a piece of paper and a pen and starts writing. THUG Okay, go ahead. How do you spell that? Slow down. Okay. Okay. Got it. 555-7926 Oh, sorry. 7962. Yeah, I got it. 7962. Where? Doctors R X Us. Okay. You have nice day too. Goodbye. SHERI (to Kelly) Do you think he even has bullets? DALE Who was that? Thug hands the note to Dale. THUG She said you should call back right away. DALE You told her where I am? I can’t believe you told her where I am! ELLEN Looks like somebody’s got more to hide than just an itchy butt. DALE (to Ellen) Excuse me! Would you please mind your own business? SHERI You guys are really looking for miracles to happen aren’t you? DALE (to Thug) Give me the phone! Thug almost hands the phone back to Dale, but then pockets it. THUG Sorry, I - Wait a minute! Sit down, dude! I’m in charge here! Not you! Now don’t anybody else try anything stupid! Or else! SHERI Can’t stand to be outdone, can you? THUG That’s right! Now let’s get back to the money. SHERI What money? THUG The money! The money you get here! The money in the back! KELLY We have money in back? SHERI Oh, of course. We have loads of money in back. Usually, the safe is completely full, but the armored car comes and takes all the money to the bank every Thursday morning. NANCY Isn’t today Thursday? I don’t remember any armored car. SHERI You were out having your nails done. (to Thug) So, actually, you’re out of luck, because they picked up all the money this morning. THUG They did? SHERI Yeah. So - sorry. If you had just showed up last night. We had a lot of money last night. THUG Oh, man. That sucks! ELLEN I’ll bet everybody has money in their wallets you could have. SHERI (sarcastic) Thanks Ellen! ELLEN You’re welcome. THUG Yeah. Everybody! Get your wallets out. Put them in the purse. Come on! Let’s go! ELLEN Hey, Nancy! His purse looks just like yours! NANCY That is my purse! ELLEN Oh. Why did you give it to him? THUG Come on! Now! Get your money out! Everybody, put it in the purse. Let’s go! He holds the bag out to collect money and approaches them as they sit along the wall from right to left - Sheri, Kelly, Nancy, Man with Cast, Ellen, Dale, Dr. James, Sophia and then Chuck. SHERI Who brings money to work? Frustrated, the Thug moves on. KELLY What she said. THUG You don’t have any money? KELLY Do you? THUG Aaugh! He moves on to Nancy. NANCY That’s my purse! You already stole from me. He moves on. THUG Okay, dude. What do you got? MAN WITH CAST Ah dun his me inzrs cad. Ma inzrs cad az ahom. Ah dun gat no muhne. THUG What? SHERI This should be good. MAN WITH CAST Ah dun his me inzrs cad. Ma inzrs cad az ahom. Ah dun gat no muhne. THUG Does anybody know what he’s talking about? ELLEN He left his insurance card at home and he doesn’t have any money. THUG Okay. Next! He moves on to Ellen and holds the purse out to her. She just laughs hysterically. ELLEN HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA. Thug rolls his eyes and moves on to Dale. Ellen laughs harder. She keeps laughing. THUG Let’s go! Pull out the bank! DALE Look, I don’t have any cash. I mean, look - I’ve got two dollars. Here. And I use credit cards. But... Ellen laughs harder now. DALE Excuse me! What is your problem? ELLEN You said ‘butt’. DALE So? ELLEN You need butt cream! DALE I don’t have to listen to this! Dale stands. THUG Sit down, dude! (to Ellen) And you! Stop laughing. Sound like you’re crazy! Dale sits. Ellen’s laughing slowly tapers off during Dr. James monologue. DR. JAMES Oh, she’s completely psychotic. THUG She is? DR. JAMES You know how she broke her arm? She woke up during surgery while we were replacing her hypothalamus. THUG What’s that? DR. JAMES That’s the part of the brain that links the nervous system to the endocrine system via the pituitary gland, also known as the “master gland,” by synthesizing and secreting neurohormones as needed that control the secretion of hormones from the anterior pituitary gland — among them, gonadotropin-releasing hormone also know as GnRH. THUG Huh? DR. JAMES The neurons that secrete GnRH are linked to the limbic system, which is primarily involved in the control of emotions and sexual activity. THUG So what does that mean? DR. JAMES She’s a very dangerous nymphomaniac. Without proper medication she’s got the sexual appetite of a bull elephant during rutting season. I’d stay away from her if I were you. You can tell the medication is wearing off when she starts laughing like that. THUG What could happen? Dr. James motions for the Thug to come close and whispers in his ear for about 10 seconds. At first he looks curious, then delighted, then extremely scared. He bolts back. THUG No way! DR. JAMES Afraid so. And believe me, you don’t want to be anywhere nearby when that happens. THUG Thanks, doc. DR. JAMES Don’t mention it. Thug moves on to Sophia. THUG Okay, what about you? Where’s your money? SOPHIA My money is two doors down at the nail salon, you want me to go get it for you? THUG How much you got? SOPHIA How much you need? THUG Uh - all of it! SOPHIA I can’t give you all of it. I might be able to give you some. THUG Okay. So - how much? SOPHIA How much you need? THUG How much you got? SOPHIA I don’t know. I have to count it. THUG Well, about how much is it? SOPHIA I don’t know. THUG Is it a little or a lot? SOPHIA I don’t know. What might be a lot to me might be a little to you. THUG Is it more than two dollars? SOPHIA I don’t know, I have to check. Thug is stumped. SOPHIA You want me to go check? It will only take me a minute. I’ll be right back. He realizes he is almost letting her go. THUG No! You think I’m stupid! SOPHIA You shouldn’t worry about what other people think about you. It’s how you think about yourself that matters. THUG (thinking) Okay - Go. No don’t. Stay! Stay right there. SOPHIA But you want the money right? THUG Is it a lot? SOPHIA Like I said - THUG Okay, no! No. You keep it. I’m just going to rob this place, and this is it. Then I’m out of here. He moves on to Chuck who has been sitting quietly. THUG Okay dude, you next. Break out the bank. Chuck does not move. THUG Don’t play, dude! Let’s go! Roll out the cash! The thug pokes him and Chuck slumps over. Thug backs up as the nurses rush to his aid. Dr. James applies his stethoscope. THUG Whoa! What’s he doing? SHERI Chuck! NANCY Is he okay? DR. JAMES Uh-oh. SHERI What? They all stare at each other. KELLY He’s dead, Jim! Everyone looks at Thug. SHERI You killed him. THUG No I didn’t. SHERI Well, we don’t just leave dead people laying around here if that’s what you’re implying. THUG I’m not. ELLEN They’re going to electrocute you now that you’re a murderer. THUG
Copyright © 2007 Mike Rembis |