Storymania - How Can They Expect To Be Taken Seriously? by Omar Fehimovic

How Can They Expect To Be Taken Seriously? (2)
Omar Fehimovic

Unknown man: Detective Chris?
Chris: Yes. Who is this?
Unknown man: You do not know me but I have information about your case.
Chris: It's very nice, but it's not what I'm used to. It is very late.
Unknown man: I am so sorry. It's all about change, it's a metamorphosis.
Chris: What?
Unknown man: The murdered girl, she is not who you think she is.
Chris: I bet she's not your girlfriend? It's happened before, before.
Unknown man: What?
Chris: It's just some annoying songs. Tell me more.
Unknown man: Meet me in one hour. Central park. Come alone.

THE MAN HANGS UP.

Chris: I have one hour to get ready. Time on my hands... One hour. I cannot call Neil, he is probably listening to Debussy or reading about Che Guevarra. I'll take care of this. It's happened before, before...

CHRIS IS IN THE PARK. WAITING. SUDDENLY, A MAN APPROACHES HIM.

Unknown man: Detective Chris?
Chris: Yes. Who are you? Where have you been? Whom you've seen?
Unknown man: That is not important. Jane Williams was not her name.
Chris: It wasn't was it?
Unknown man: No, it wasn't.
Chris: Cut to the chase. I've been working hard all day, to pay the bills I have to pay, don't have the strength to work all night, or fight until it's almost light.
Unknown man: Are you that guy from Pet Shop Boys? You are not detective Chris. I know those lyrics. It is from one of their songs.
Chris: I know, it hurts too much to face the truth. Their music is awful.
Unknown man: No, no, this is a set-up, You are not detective Chris, you are that Lowe character.

THE UNKNOWN MAN STARTS RUNNING.

Chris (thinking about chasing the guy): Do I have to? My nerves are all jangled up, but I'm pulling through. I hope I can handle what I have to do.

CHRIS TRIES TO CATCH THE MAN.

Chris: Stop! It's an order!
Unknown man: Leave me alone. You double crossed me. I shall tell you nothing. I know you Pet Shop Boys are somehow involved. You're shameless.

THE MAN ESCAPES. CHRIS STOPS, HE CANNOT SEE THE MAN IN THE DARK.

Chris: We all feel better in the dark? Who came up with that stupidity? I cannot see anything. I mean, you live within the law and everyone assumes you must find this a bore. It is worse than a bore. I think this criminal was hardcore. I'm going home.

MORNING. THE POLICE STATION. CHRIS AND NEIL ARE IN THEIR OFFICE.

Neil: Where've you been? Who've you seen? You didn't phone when you said you would.
Chris: What is this? Jealousy? I received a phone call late at night. An unknown man told me to meet him in the central park, not the Luna park, in the night. He said he had information about our case. We met and he thought I was that Lowe character and escaped. He said Pet Shop Boys were somehow involved.
Neil: It's easy when you got all the information, inside help, no investigation.
Chris: What help? He did not say anything.
Neil: He said Pet Shop Boys might be involved. That is huge.
Chris: And dangerous. They are Gods in this town. For God's sake, the town is named after them.
Neil: Sooner or later, this happens to everyone.
Chris: What happens?
Neil: To go after the big guys. Before you know for sure, that is what you were waiting for.
Chris: Now you are a regular poet, aren't you?
Neil: I was faced with a choice at a difficult age. Would I write a book or should I take to the stage?
Chris: Great. And now you are a detective. Congratulations.

A POLICE OFFICER ENTERS THE ROOM.

Police officer: Hey, boys, we have located Jack Fowler and John Smith.
Chris: Do not call us boys. Not even Euroboys. Or Euroboy. Nothing. I do not want to have anything to do with any boys. Or shops. Or pets.
Police officer: I did not mean to say that you were a pervert.
Chris: Shut up! I was referring to Pet Shop Boys.
Police officer: Oh, them. I adore them. „Let's take a ride...in suburbia...“ Wow.
Neil: If you do not stop singing this very moment, I will make sure that you are transferred to suburbia.
Police officer: Please, Neil, do not do that. People will say, Zazou, what you're gonna do? There's a lot of people coming for you.
Chris: Your name is Zazou?
Neil: People are coming for you?
Police officer: Yes, I used to work in suburbia. I have enemies there.
Neil: Are you telling us the truth?
Chris: Come on, Neil, face the truth.
Police officer: If you don't believe what I have said, take a look, my eyes are red.
Neil: You are serious. Your eyes a like a red letter day.
Chris: OK. Where are Fowler and Smith?
Police officer: They are in a police station downtown. Local police officers are waiting for you.
Neil: Thanks, Zazou. Chris, let's go.

NEIL AND CHRIS GO TO THE POLICE STATION. CHRIS DRIVES.

Neil: You know this morning I came across a cache of old photos and invitations to teenage parties.
Chris: So what?
Neil: It was so much easier than. One would not have got killed over an invitation.
Chris: We do not know if the invitation had anything to do with the murder.
Neil: I heard what you said and I can tell you it's true. I hope it's gonna be alright.

NEIL AND CHRIS ENTER THE POLICE STATION.

A police officer: Look, guys. It's that Lowe character. From Pet Shop Boys.

POLICE OFFICERS SURROUND CHRIS ASKING FOR AUTOGRAPHS.

Chris: Come on, stop it. I am detective Chris. I am not that Lowe.
One police officer: Right. Good one. Now give us autographs.
Second police officer: This other detective looks like Tennant. Are Pet Shop Boys now working undercover for the police?
Neil: I am sick and tired of this. Leave us alone!

NEIL AND CHRIS MANAGE TO GET AWAY. THEY ENTER A ROOM WHERE THE CAPTAIN OF THE POLICE STATION JOINS THEM. FOWLER AND SMITH ARE IN THE ROOM.

Fowler: John, look, it's Pet Shop Boys.
Smith: I cannot believe. What an honour.

FOWLER AND SMITH BOW.

Police captain: Do not behave like idiots. These are detectives Chris and Neil.
Fowler: Right. And I am Gandhi.
Smith: And my name is Simpson Bart. Buy you guys, you are pure art.
Chris: Listen, you fools, if you've done nothing wrong you've got nothing to fear. If you've something to hide, you shouldn't even be here.
Fowler: But we did not do anything.
Neil: Really? Tell us everything.
Smith: Tell you what? We already told you that you were pure art. What else do you need? It's the best compliment you can get.
Police captain: Idiots, they are not Pet Shop Boys.
Fowler: OK, we'll pretend they are not (laughing).
Chris: How did you know that Jane Williams had been murdered?
Smith: That's why we are here? Thank God. I thought you were going to fire us.
Neil: How can we fire you if we are not Pet Shop Boys?
Fowler: Right, you're not. OK, we can play that game. Well, we were taking the trash out around 5 pm and we found a note.
Chris: A note? For decadence is fatal, it's the beginning of the end. In self-defence, I cannot recommend this decadence.
Fowler: No, no, that was not written on the note. It was something else.
Police captain: What was written?
Fowler: It was probably written by some guy who left it in the bin. We read the note, thought it was a Pet Shop Boys fan and threw the note away.
Chris: What the hell was written on the note?
Smith: In my life, there've been few who affected me the way do. Father forgive me, I tried not to do it. The girl's perfection, inspires affection. But I killed here. I killed Jane because she did not want to have anything to do with me. I wanna be numb. I don't wanna feel this pain no more.
Chris: Wow. Great lyrics. The guy is talented. Or the girl. Who knows these days...
Fowler: But those were Pet Shop Boys' lyrics.
Chris: Really? Then I hate the lyrics. They are awful.
Police captain: Detectives, we have a breakthrough here. Maybe a solution to the case.
Chris: Sometimes the solution is worse than the problem.
Neil: It's psychological.
Chris: Thanks, captain. This is real progress.
Neil: Let's go. Have a good day, captain.
Police captain: You too, boys.
Neil: He called us boys.
Chris: I know. It always comes as a surprise.
Neil: Se la vida e'.

NEIL AND CHRIS SIT IN A BAR, DISCUSSING THE CASE.

Neil: The guy that killed her must have been desperate. He did a terrible thing.
Chris: But who was the guy I met in Luna park? I mean the central park.
Neil: You keep mentioning Luna park. What's wrong with you? You want to go there?
Chris: No, it's just some song I heard on the radio.
Neil: I hope it's not a Pet Shop Boys' song.
Chris: I hope so too. I mean, is stupid really stupid or a different kind of smart? She did not like him. So what? There are other women.
Neil: It's so hard to face the truth.
Chris: We must keep this away from the press. That guy in the park said that Pet Shop Boys might be involved. It would be a scandal and it would be difficult to solve the case.
Neil: Yes, a scandal, such a scandal. News in this city breaks without pity. Who do you think was that guy in the park?
Chris: I'm not denying that every little bit hurts. It's a problem I'm not solving.
Neil: I know, I understand you. It's not easy as it was or as difficult as it could be for the samurai in autumn.
Chris: The samurai? Are you talking about that old song?
Neil: You mean Michael Cretu's samurai? Samurai Samurai did you ever dream? Hesitate, wonder why at all the anger you have seen?
Chris: And you remember the lyrics? I cannot believe this.
Neil: It's a good song.
Chris: I guess. I don't like Rockabilly, rock'n’roll in particular...
Neil: It's not a rock song.
Chris:...I don't like much, really, do I? But what I do like, I love passionately.
Neil: We've been around forever, look at us now together, ordering drinks at the bar.

CHRIS LOOKS THROUGH THE WINDOW.

Chris: It's that guy from the park. Let's catch him.

CHRIS AND NEIL RUN AFTER THE GUY. HE SEES THEM AND TRIES TO RUN AWAY

Unknown guy: You, Pet Shop Boys, will never catch me. Your chance is one in a million.
You'd be better off dreaming of the queen.
Chris: Stop!

CHRIS CATCHES THE GUY.

Chris: I won't play games or waste your time but I won't feel ashamed to speak my mind. You drive me crazy. Who are you?
Unknown guy: OK, I shall tell you if you give me your autographs.
Neil: You fool, we are not Pet Shop Boys. We are detectives.
Unknown guy: I do not believe you. Everybody knows what you look like and nobody messes with you. You're like the king of Rome in this town.

CHRIS AND NEIL DRIVE THE CAR. THE UNKNOWN GUY IS IN THE BACK SEAT. CHRIS DRIVES AND HE IS NOT COMFORTABLE.

Chris: Neil, I told you, I do not like creepy guys in the back seat. The old one is always on my mind.
Neil: Come on, you're not a child. Anyway, if you still feel uncomfortable, for your own good, call me tonight.
Chris: I hope I shall be OK. And you (talking to the guy in the back seat), we are going to talk face to face this time. No running.

CHILDREN THROW TOMATOES AT THE CAR SCREAMING: “WE ARE PETA SHOP BOYS, WE PROTECT ANIMALS!”. CHRIS MANAGES TO STOP THE CAR. HE GETS OUT AND LOOKS AT THE “DAMAGE”.

Chris: Who issued the instruction for this mad act of destruction?
Neil (talking from the car): So just relax, don't question why for calculated facts will not apply.
Chris: This case is killing me. I cannot wait to catch the killer.
Neil: Let's go back to the station. We have to question this guy.
Chris: Let's make lots of money? Just kidding. Let's go.
Unknown man: With time and age I had to change 'cause my behaviour was getting strange.
Chris: Shut up. Do not get me started on Behaviour. I hate that Pet Shop Boys album. My October symphony? More like terrible cacophony.

CHRIS AND NEIL INTERVIEW THE UNKNOWN MAN.

Chris: OK, no more games. What is your name?
Unknown guy: What about the autographs?
Neil: I can't be cool or nonchalant. I will kill this guy.
Chris: Calm down. He is not going anywhere. When he tells us everything, he can go home. Of course, if he is not the killer.
Unknown guy: If I were the killer, why would I have phoned you at home?
Chris: In the night. That is why I want a dog. Don't want a cat, scratching its claws all over my habitat.
Unknown guy: Your what?
Chris: Giving no love and getting fat. You can get lonely and a cat's no help with that.
Unknown guy: Is this candid camera? What the hell is going on here?
Chris: That is what you are going to tell us. First your name.
Unknow guy: OK. My name is Lord Huntington.
Neil: A Lord? Oh, my lord....I've been around the world for a number of reasons, I've seen it all, the change of seasons, and I my Lord, may I say nothing?
Lord Huntington: No, you may not. Why did you chase me like an animal?
Chris: Why did you call me in the night? Zazou, comment allez-vous?
Lord Huntington: I do not speak French.
Neil: But you will speak English to us. Tell us, Lord, what is going on?
Lord Huntington: Well, it's not easy but don't give up now. Happiness is an option.
Chris: What?
Lord Huntington: You guys are pathetic. You have not figured out anything. I killed her.
Neil: It does not make any sense. Why did you call Chris? Why did you tell him that Pet Shop Boys might have been involved?
Lord Huntington: I wanted to derail your investigation. If you had thought that Pet Shop Boys were involved, you would have dropped the case. After all, they are Gods in this city.
Chris: Again with the story about Gods. Coincidence and patience will mend this fatal flaw. This town will become normal again. (To Lord Huntington): I don’t know why it always comes as a surprise to find I'm here with you.
Lord Huntington: It's not a surprise. What are you talking about?
Neil: Lord Huntington, we all make a mess of our lives from time to time.
Lord Huntington: It must be obvious. I am guilty, I was a fool.
Chris: Did you get what you want? Do you know what it is?
Lord Huntington: Of course I did not. She was a beautiful woman but she never paid attention to me. That day, when I was mad...
Neil (joking): Not yesterday?
Chris: Good one, Neil. High five.
Lord Huntington: You think this is funny? Love comes quickly whatever you do. You can't stop falling? What happens now? With life I'm unimpressed.
Neil: Now you will tell us how you did it. You feel the deal is real, you're a Pet Shop City boy.
Lord Huntington: I am a Lord, for God's sake. Not a boy.
Chris: You are a murderer. Shut up and tell us how you did it.
Lord Huntington: That creepy guy with tattoos that works at KDX...
Chris: We know him, we interviewed him.
Lord Huntington: I saw him with Jane. He gave her the invitation to the club. I had been following her. At least two weeks.
Chris: You Lords really have nothing to do, have you?
Lord Huntington: You insult my intelligence.
Chris: And you insult my patience. Go on.
Lord Huntington: I approached her after the guy had left. I told her I was Lord Huntington and asked her for a drink.
Chris: You told her you were a Lord? She must have been impressed. Too much of anything is never enough.
Lord Huntington: No one understands where I'm coming from.
Neil: She refused?
Lord Huntington: Yes. She said she was not interested. I was surprised. I had never been rejected. Sometimes I need to see the way it used to be. Nobody rejected me.
Chris: I know, I was lost for so long, feels like it's taken half my life to find where I belong.
Lord Huntington: And where do you belong?
Chris: Here, catching murderers like you!
Lord Huntington: Detectives, I want the world to leave me alone, feels like I feel too much, I've seen too much.
Neil: What happened after she had rejected you?
Lord Huntington: I thought she would come to the club. She had the invitation. I thought I might ask her again.
Chris: Our gain is your loss, that's the price you pay. I heard it in the House of Commons, everything's for sale. You are a Lord, you should know that better than me.
Lord Huntington: I did not care whether it was wrong or right, I wanted a lover that night.
Neil: And she did not show up.
Lord Huntington: No. I was furious.
Chris: It must have been obvious.
Neil: Then?
Lord Huntington: I left the club even though Pet Shop Boys were about to sing.
Chris: Oh, God. Please spare me this one.
Lord Huntington: It is their club. They sing there all the time.
Chris: All the more reason not to go there ever!
Lord Huntington: I saw her near the club. I guess she was hesitating to enter. And she did not. She turned around. I was following her.
Neil: I think she heard a rumour or someone tipped her off.
Lord Huntington: She went home. When she tried to lock the door, I pushed the door and she fell to the floor. I told her that nobody had ever rejected Lord Huntington.
Chris: Of course. Too many shadows, whispering voices, faces on the posters, too many choice. But you had to go after her.
Lord Huntington: Your poetry is annoying! Yes, I had to have her. She told me to get out. I took a statue of Pet Shop Boys. It was on the table. And I hit her on the head. She was dead. I took the statue and left.
Chris: So Lord-like of you. You're a positive role model.
Lord Huntington: Please, do not mock me. I read „To kill a mocking bird“ and it is no fun, I can tell you that.
Neil: What bird? What are you talking about?
Lord Huntington: Nothing, forget it. Let me live in my miserablism.
Neil: This case is so fundamental.
Chris: Actually, yes. Very.

TENNANT AND LOWE READ THE LOCAL NEWSPAPER.

Tennant: Lowe, is Rob Lowe your cousin? There's a gossip about him.
Lowe: I don't think so. I am handsome, he is not.
Tennant: Look, those two silly detectives solved the case. It was Lord Huntington. Who would have thought?
Lowe: Thank God that story is over. Lord Huntington was about to ruin our reputation and almost getting away with it.
Tennant: I am disappointed. I thought he was a good guy. Disappointed, once more, disillusioned, encore.
Lowe: You know what I would say to Lord Huntington? Consider for a minute who you are, what you'd like to change, never mind the scars, bury the past, empty the shelf, decide it's time to reinvent yourself.
Tennant: Good one, Lowe. We should invite the detectives and thank them. They saved our reputation.
Lowe: Yes, no matter what we think of them, we should thank them. We can invite them to our show tonight.
Tennant: Yes, later tonight. And tell them that tonight is forever. We could become great friends with them.
Lowe: Let's do that. But they think we are conceited.
Tennant: I believe we can change. We can make it more than a dream, And I believe we can change. It's not as strange as it might seem.
Lowe: You are right. Send them invitations for tonight. Later tonight.
Tennant: Yesterday, when I was mad, I thought I would kill those detectives. But now I realise that they have saved our reputation. They deserve our recognition.
Lowe: And as one wise man once said: „Paninaro!“

NEIL AND CHRIS WATC „IT COULDN'T HAPPEN HERE“ IN NEIL'S APARTMENT.

Chris: Oh, God, I did not know that this movie was a Pet Shop Boys movie! I am going to kill myself. They are on the radio, on TV, in movies...The city is named after them, we had to solve the crime that could have ruined their reputation. „It couldn't happen here“? They were so wrong. It happened to them and here.
Neil: I understand your anger. But in the air I can feel something magical becoming real, from the other side looking in, come on, throw the dice, and tonight we'll win.
Chris: What are you talking about?
Neil: Just a hunch?
Chris: I cannot watch this anymore. I want a life without Pet Shop Boys. A new life.

SOMEONE KNOCKS AT THE DOOR.

Neil: Wait, I'll answer the door.

NEIL OPENS THE DOOR. IT'S THE POSTMAN.

Neil: Hello. How are you today?
Postman: Great, Pet Shop Boys are not guilty. That is all that matters.
Neil: Do you know who solved the case (grinning)?
Postman: Who cares. They are not guilty. Long live Pet Shop Boys.

NEIL ANGRILY TAKES THE LETTER FROM THE POSTMAN'S HAND.

Neil: Bye.

NEIL SLAMS THE DOOR.

Chris: Who was that?
Neil: The postman.
Chris: Another bill to pay?
Neil: No, a letter.
Chris: Is it a red letter day?
Neil: Let me open it. In private, if you don't mind.
Chris: Freak!

NEIL OPENS THE LETTER. THERE ARE TWO INVITATIONS. We would like to thank you from the bottom of our hearts. You solved the case and saved our reputation.
You are invited to our concert tonight at KDX. Unhappiness is not an option. Tennant and Lowe.

Neil: Chris, you will not believe this.
Chris: Are you building a wall?
Neil: What? No! We are invited.
Chris: Who? Where? Why?
Neil: Pet Shop Boys have invited us to their concert tonight. They want to thank us. They say that tonight unhappiness is not an option. I'm not superstitious or really religious, just to thyself be true, but now I think I'm starting to believe in fate because it delivered you. You, Pet shop Boys!
Chris: Are you joking? Are you actually going to meet them?
Neil: Come on, it is celebration time. We solved an important case. Let bygones by bygones.
Chris: You are my partner. I would never do this for anyone else. If it means that much to you, later tonight unhappiness will not be an option!
Neil: I think we deserve to have some fun. The case was exhausting. Let us forget any sadness together tonight, And look at the view from my balcony, Petshopboysville through our eyes.
Chris: How could I say no to such a great poet (hugging Neil)? I hope we will have no regrets, just like Robbie Williams.
Neil: Or be sorry like Madonna.
Chris: Or be in denial like Kylie.

CHRIS, NEIL AND PET SHOP BOYS ARE ON STAGE. LOWE PLAYS, CHRIS PRETENDS TO BE LOWE, NEIL AND TENNANT SING TOGETHER. THE SONG IS BEING BORING.

Omar Fehimovic (shouting at Chris): Hey, you, Lowe 2, you look like Borat.
Chris: And you look like Bruno!

ALL TOGETHER SING: 'CAUSE WE WERE NEVER BEING BORING, WE HAD TOO MUCH TIME TO FIND FOR OURSELVES, AND WE WERE NEVER BEING BORING, WE DRESSED UP AND FOUGHT, THEN THOUGHT…(Neil and Chris look at Lowe and Tennant , they all smile)…AND WE WERE NEVER HOLDING BACK OR WORRIED THAT TIME WOULD COME TO AND END...

WE WERE ALWAYS HOPING THAT, LOOKING BACK, YOU COULD ALWAYS RELY ON A FRIEND (Neil and Chris hug).

THE AUDIENCE IS IN ECSTASY. IT'S TOTAL CHAOS. PERFECT PET SHOP BOYS CHAOS.

AUDIENCE SCREAM: LONG LIVE PET SHOP BOYS AND THOSE OTHER TWO BLOKES WE DO NOT KNOW!

THE END
.
OR IS IT?

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