Murder Considered As One Of The Fine Arts (4) assumptions about the game, switching choices gives you probability 2/3 of winning and 1/3 of losing" "Wait, there are 2 outcomes, you get klilled or you dont." "Calculate it out, it isn't that complicated. Consider the set of 4-tuples." "No. If you choose the right goblet and switch, you get killed. If you a wrong goblet, I remove the right one and when when you switch it has to be the other wrong one because it's the only one left and again you get killed. If you switch, you get killed every time. Your probability of success = 0." "Well, yes. I had assumed that you removed a goblet at random. I should have said that. And, if you do, the probability drops to 2X1/6 = 1/3. Calculate it again." He sharpened a flamingo feather, dipped it in berry juice and started scratching calculations. "It still doesn't work. If you choose 2 then there are 2 outcomes, not 1: S ={(2,3, 1,W), (2,1,3,L)}" "Well, yes, you have to add the assumption that the goblet you remove is of those with poison in it." "In that case, it's obvious!" He had been absent mindedly sipping at goblet 3 and he now fell over dead. That brought the odds down to even money. It was too good to pass up. I grabbed the middle goblet and gulped. Leslie sniffed "So, that's opium. I didn't know you went to Wharton." "I had no defense against my parents fantasies". 41 BEACH They're walking on the beach. An Arab cab driver runs after them and hands over a flight bag, pantomiming that it had been forgotten in the cab. He runs off and they walk to the water and take off their clothes. They have swim trunks on underneath. They sit down, smiling at the sea and at each other. A big sloppy Swede runs over, obviously unhappy and making the coughing-up- a -hairball noises of Gulf Arabic. “Beach for white men. You get out, maybe, yes.” “Hi. SItting with his arms around his kees and trying to look harnless. The Swede tries English “Fuck off.” “I'm sorry I dont speak Arabic.” You speak Arabic, you fuck Arab. Beach for foreigners, you fuck off. “I'm American.” “You what? It's time to mention that David is very dark. “Does she look like an Arab to you?” “No, you Arab. I explain your ass, little wog.” David is still sitting. The Swede kicks David in the ass. David jumps up. The Swede throws a slow looping right hook. David drops his left shoulder and slips the punch. Then he brings up both fists in a 2 handed upper cut to the Swede's short ribs. The Swede sits down with a vast whoosh. He starts to get up, but has some trouble untangling his legs. He staggers upright and lurches off at a run, fat ass and love handles waving goodbye. “Are you all right?” 42 Leslie sounds bored. “Oh, yeah, just like home.” But, after a while, the Swede comes back with 3 little men in khaki knee shorts and shirts with heavy epaulets suitable for hauling a body out of a wounded tank. The 3 little men are over 5 feet, but they have the look of dwarves. Their heads are too big for their tadpole bodies, the heads are all face and the faces are all nose. They're of a dirty brown color, but so is David. They're barking unintelligibly, but there is language in their mustaches, in the jiggle of their ear lobes and the flap of their noses. It says that they are unhappy and it's all David's fault. "You know the beach is reserved. Get out." "I dont speak Arabic." "You fucking speak Arabic, enough clown. Now, get out!" "I'm American." "Enough talk, no more talk, now get off or I break your fucking head." It turns into a pushing match and they're trying to back him off the beach stark naked. They cant move him and inevitablity is ticking away, decimal point by decimal point until it reaches 1. He drops the 1st guard with a left jab to the adam's apple. This is easy, even for an untrained man. Street fighting just isn't part of Arab culture. He expects the other 2 to make mistake Number 1 and come at him from opposite directions. That would give him time to deal with one and turn to meet the other before he could react, only they're not that smart. They huddle together, Arabs do that even at bus stops, and trip all over each other. He catches the 1st with a diving reverse punch to the badder. There's a sharp crack like a small caliber pistol shot as the pelvic arch snaps in two. He sits down meowing. (Feeling the way he does about cats, David feels a pang of sympathy.)The other tries to hold him up and David clamps the man's enormous nose between his teeth and hammers in a right hook to the ear. The man is already limp. David is holding him up by the nose like a striped bass. 43 He lets go and the man falls over in a sitting position, only sideways and makes no sound at all. Leslie sighs contemptuously, "Anytime you're done." Then 4 militia men rush up with assault rifles. Machine guns are very effective against karate, that had been settled by the Boxer Rebellion. Then the sergeant says: "A classic case of the one little detail a criminal overlooked." "I'm American." "OK, American, what the fuck you think you're doing? Leslie grabs David's arm and whispers in his ear. "You will speak only to an officer". "I will speak only to an officer." They start yammering in Arabic, but the meaning is translated by their gestures. "He's bluffing." "Maybe, but in his undies like that he could be anyone." "He knows it, that's why he's bluffing." He might be a reporter". The sergeant says in English "Escort him home under house arrest. The colonel will have him called for sometime after lunch. David and Leslie gather up their clothes and start getting dressed. David puts on his Gucci loafers and the Sergeant points to them with a gesture meaning: I told you so, and then they all march away together. The flight bag laying on the sand. David and Leslie looking dignified and affronted. The sergeant watching them go,thinking hard, but without 44 much success. HOTEL STAIRS David and Leslie walking into the hotel followed by The 3 militia Men. "I will speak only to an officer" How'd you think of that? "It was the only thing to do. There's nothing you said that could have made a difference. Thay'd have killed us. The only thing to do was refuse to deal with them. And that's easy. It's a feudal society, they're very sensitive to class distinctions. "Very shrewd. So we're going to get killed after lunch instead of before. It's a small triumph. "Depends what you have for lunch and, no, we wont. The colonel will do exactly the opposite of the sergeant just to emphasize his authority. "How do you know all that?" "I would have thought getting a doctorate would have taught you something about politics. "It didn't and I'm not getting it." "Relax, I'll do all the thinking for a while. Where's the hash? "I left it. "You were always so steady under pressure, I dont know what's happening to you? David doesn't know either. He shakes his head. HOTEL CORRIDOR They walk into their room and close the door. The militia men stand guard outside. HOTEL ROOM 45 He locks the door and turns around, but it's an impossible 3 seconds before he found her. She was standing by the window in a Dominque Sanda slouch, appraising the view of the sea. Her hands had disappeared into the folds of her dress. He hadn't known it had pockets, she'd never used them before. He hadn't recognised her, that's why it had taken so long to see her. She had always seemed to be making a noisy disturbance even when she was sitting silent and still. But not now. Quiet was coming out of her in all directions like the white noise hum of the sea beyondthe window. There was a small balcony, but it was only big enough for one pair of feet. There was nothing romantic to be done with it, but something had to be done. Then she strips, fast, and climbs into a bondage costume: boots and a leather harness and a leather motorcycle cap. "Setting the mood?" "You have an interview with the Colonel in , perhaps 4 hours. Your life depends on it. You have to perfect your role "What's wrong with the old one?" "You're going to be dealing with some semi-educated Wog who isn't really very sophisticated, but wants to be treated like he is. The 1st thing is to convince him that you're an aristocrat. Then you treat him like he too is an aristocrat. When you have him convinced that both of you are aristocrats, you're home free." "How did you suddenly get so smart?" "I'm tired of pretending to be stupider than you are, leave the class war to me. She seems to grow. It's like he's never seen her before. "Yes." She throws herself into a chair and slams her boots on the table. 46 "When you have a role that works in all scenarios, we know you're ready. Let's get started." She tries a thick Arabic accent "I am Colonel." David visibly puts on an attitude. "You wanted to see me?, Colonel." "Is necessary." "I had to argue my way in". "You cant talk your way out so, say anything you like." "There was this incident on the beach." "This unspeakable occurrence." "Well. yes." Leslie reverts to normal voice "We took a wrong turn. If you talk about it, that makes it real and he has to do some thing about it. Dont even mention it. Start again. MILITARY OFFICE David has his laptop set up for VR. Leslie is playing the Colonel, but morphing in and out of David"s art History professor. He, she, they have a thick Arabic accent. "You cripple 3 of my men." "I fought in self defense." "One does not attack a policeman in self defense. The law is quite clear on that point. The actual Circumstances are irrelevant." "Then there's nothing to discus, is there?" 47 "Nothing at all. Guards!!" saliva spilling over his lower lip. David opens his eyes. They look at each other across the room is silence. He crosses the floor in front of her to drop the blinds against the blaze of noon. The colors are so saturated that the sunlight has a brownish tinge. There is the distant sound of buildings being torn down. Across the plaz, the rear wall is knocked out and then a tank rolls in to protrude its gun through a window. He's lost track of who is fighting who, but they hadn't gotten up the nerve to charge. He doesn't drop the blinds. Any motion might attract attention. He turns back to the colonel then remembers that he's dead. HOTEL ROOM-DAY- Silence. David and Leslie stare at each other. Leslie continues in a normal voice "It's not going to happen like that. This will not be decided by who you are, not by what you've done. They dont know who you are, they have to find out. They'll ask you some questions. You'll have a chance to start talking." "If it's not going to happen that way, why did you do it? "You did it. Try it again." COLONEL"S OFFICE-DAY- "You call it colonization, but I say we brought roads and schools as well. It's a matter of responsibility, not conservatism". The Colonel leaps from behind the desk. He wraps his right hand around his head and sticks his right forefinger in the left side of his mouth, pulling his left cheek back to his ear. Then he begins to hop around the room, holding his right foot in his left hand. HOTEL ROOM -DAY- "We dont seem to be getting anywhere." 48 "Try it again." MILITARY OFFICE -DAY- “An awkward business.” She says in amixture of British and Arabic accents “Yes.” “Surely, our laws can not be that different from your own. “Certainly not, but your men refused to speak French or English so that I had no way of knowing what they were talking about and they were so drastically discourteous that I thought I was being physically attacked.” “Ah.” “Clearly, this was not the case, since my reaction caught them completely by surprise but, since they didn't appear to speak much English, I thought it best to save my explanations for someone who could understand them.” “I am sympathetic, but the law must go before everything, as you'll readily agree. “I understand that their actions were illegal. The beach was off limits to Arabs. That does not apply to me. Their actions were not in the service of the law. They should have established the facts before deciding on an course of action. They could have done that easily and without risk.” “You wish to bring charges against these men?” “No, not unless I am forced to in my own defense. I have no reason to want to pursue this.” “There is nothing more to be said that needs saying. Mr. Flanagan, you are free to go.” HOTEL ROOM-DAY- As before. 49 “Better. Much better. Again.” MILITARY OFFICE -DAY- “Mr. Flanagan, your passport please.” An English accent this time. “Just exactly who are you. I am an American citizen and I demand to know by what right you are treating me in this manner.” “Not treating you in any manner, at this point. Have you any wealthy or influential friends?” “Yes, and I think that should be obvious even to you.” “Then you may get out of this alive. You have become an embarrassment. So, you are obviously an Israeli spy.” “How does that happen?” “I say so, that makes it happen.” “But what does this have to do with the business on the beach?” “Nothing at all, the crime was attracting attention to yourself. “ ”It usually is.” The colonel takes out a pair of handcuffs. “And, now, you will place your hands behind your back.” “That would be contrary to my honor.” The takes out a large caliber automatic pistol. It gleams romantically, they always do, like a rain wet street in perfume ad, and fills the room with ambient light. 50 “It is a small thing to die for, Mr. Flanagan.” David I agree. The waste alone is enough to make you cry. The shoots David 3 times. HOTEL ROOM -DAY- David That didn't work out so well. Leslie No, but you have to play the role even if it gets you killed. That's all there is to being an aristocrat: Playing the role even if it gets you killed. David Let's give it a rest. Leslie Again. David You're not the same woman. Leslie No, and it's time we met. MILITARY OFFICE-DAY- “Tell me, in your country, what they do to you when you cripple policeman, hah?, what they do?” “They kill you.” “Correct, it's lucky for you we're both Jewish.” “I'm Black Irish.” “Same thing, same thing.” HOTEL ROOM-DAY- 51 As before. “You're getting hysterical, let's stop.” “No.” “Enough.” You'll do as you're told. You'll cut your arm off if I tell you to.” By the grace of God, there's a knock on the door. HOTEL CORRIDOR There's a platoon of militia men outside the door. David opens it. For a second he thinks there's been a new invasion because the martial types in front of him are of a different make than the ones on the beach. These are tall lean and cinematic. Their uniforms are cleaned and pressed. One of them even has grey eyes. David counts them again. There are only 2. For the 1st second he thought he was totally surrounded. No matter which way he looked, they were coming at him. “You come.” “In a moment.” He slams the door. The militia Men pound on it with their rifle butts. David opens it. The milita men look past him to see Leslie in costume, standing with her fists on her hips and staring at them indignantly. They freeze, their mouths fall open and They stand transfixed. David passes a hand in front of the 1st GUARDS eyes without response, “The lady must dress.” then softly closes the door. “We make them wait 3 minutes, no more.” HOTEL LOBBY David and Leslie walking with the 2 militia men behind them. 52 “We'll stop in the bar.” Says David “The colonel wait.” “The colonel will wait.” INT> HOTEL BAR David and Leslie are sitting at the bar. The 2 militia Men unsling their guns and begin to play backgammon on a portable set. “T and T, twice.” Amram is shaking. The bottle rattles against the glass. Beyond the window, the park and the bat, the dust cloud had moved. It had almost cleared and greyish brown shapes are moving out of it, scuttling successfully around the curve of the bay until the view of them was cut off by the industrial suburbs to the west. more tanks and armored prsonell carriers moved out of the cloud, like roaches when you turn on the light but more organized. they're all moving in the same direction like they had the answer and they had all thought of it at the same time. Except for the elephantine hum of the air-conditioner, there is total silence. David looks at her. “How are you?, I keep forgetting to ask.” “I'm fine, how are you? “I'm not sure. I dont feel like an aristocrat. I feel like a sleazy con man about to dance his way out of another one.” “You're half right. A sleazy con man who's self righteous about it, that's an aristocrat.”
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