Murder Considered As One Of The Fine Arts (3)
“This is fucking ridiculous.” Then her cat walks by on stilts. DAVID’S APT-DAY- It's a huge high ceilinged white room. There are, maybe, 10,000 art books on shelves around the room. Sarah is sitting at the desk writing something in a folder. She's wearing her white doctor's coat. The phone rings and she answers it. “It's for you.” She walks the phone across the room to David. He's still in bed. “Yoarrumph. “It's Leslie. 27 “Yes, I know.” “How are you?” “Oh, I'm alright. How are you?” ‘Any ... regrets?” Suddenly, he knows what's expected of him. “Oh, no, after...after everything, I will love you always.” “Oh, David, you make me so happy than I've ever been in my life.” “And I'll see you tomorrow?” “Yes, and stay away from Sarah the nurse.” “She's a doctor and I need the rest.” “You like her too much.” “No, I dont.” “I love you, you were beautiful.” “Oh, good. And I love you.” “Yes.” They both hang up. “This is fucking ridiculous.” 24 HOURS LATER Sarah has been replaced by Leslie. She and David are in bed naked. Leslie is thinking, always a bad idea. “How long was that?” David looks at the clock. “3 Hours. At least.” 28 “Really?” “Sometimes, the magic works.” “It's not the same if you dont lead up to it.” They did, but there's no point in arguing. She gets out of bed and walks away. “Did you fake it?” “I wouldn't do that to you.” “I thought it was over.” “You thought what was over?” Noises from the street. Car horns from a traffic snarl. High squeaky horns, low grunting horns, shrill shrieking women screaming obscenities in thick Jersey accents. It dies away into a hoarse shouting match and then the sound of an incompetent street fight. It sure kicks the Hell out of romance. David grunts "If there were some way of going insane together, t hat would cut us off from the world completely." She's interested. She walks back toward the bed, rolling her hips slightly. “How?” ‘We could learn Go together.” “Go?” “It's a Japanese game played with black and white stones.” “I know.” “It gets to be an obsession. You get so you cant think of anything else.” “You talk about going insane together and the best you can come up with is a Japanese game played with little stones?” 29 She says, deliberately calm. "We could write screenplays together. Trying to win the Hollywood lottery is insanity guaranteed." "Well, yes, but everyone is writing a screenplay or becoming a serial killer. No one would notice." “Baby, we've got to stop. We're totally predictable. I'm using random numbers, but there are too many patterns to think about. They started off knowing that we're on the upper east side, by now they've got it down to a 4 block area. Pretty soon now, they're going to catch us right in the fucking act.” “You've lost your nerve.” “That's all I want to lose. If we keep at it, routine police work, the most boring tedious embarrassingly stupid kind of routine police work is going to trip us up.” "Darling, I think it might be discreet if we left the country for a while. Just for the season." “First I'm going to dynamite the Sistine Chapel then I'm going to use a flame thrower of the Mona Lisa. I am going to dedicate myself to destroying great works of Art so no futurehistorian will have to memorize them."” “Cant you think of something we can do together?” “Sorry.” “I know what we'll do, we'll smuggle in hashish from Turkey.” “Did you see Midnight Express?” “That's what I mean, think of the terror. 12,000 miles from home with the entire world against us. We'll have no one but each other. We'll be cut off from the rest of the world.” 30 “We have that right here.” “Here we're going to get caught, you tell me.” “Yes.” “Well?” “One thing for sure, we wont be bored again for a very long time.” She starts laughing. She slips off her panties and casually climbs on top of him. David and Chen are taking the art books off the shelves and packing them into plastic milk crates. The shelves are three quarters empty. The shelves are empty. David and Chen are carrying the crates out the door and down the stairs. They're loading the crates into a U-Haul hitched to a VW Rabbit. Chen tries to pay for them. “There must be $10,000 worth of books there.” ‘It's between friends, it cant be paid for.” “I'm not your friend.” “Since right now?” “I talked to her. Since I talked to her. She's insane.” “So?” “She needs to be protected from people like you.” “You tell her that?” “Yeah. She hung up and said that if I called again, she'd have me arrested.” “Not your day to be a hero.” 31 “She's insane. That's like being underage. She cant give her consent. It's rape.” “There's got to be a crushing one line reply to that, but I cant think of what it is.” Chen hands him the money. David takes it, wadding it into the pockets of his jeans. Chen gets into the VW and behind the wheel. He slams the door and talks out the window. “I thought of killing you, but decided the Hell with it.” “That's your solution to every problem. You belong in grad school.” ‘You're going to get yourself killed anyway so, it's not cost effective.” Chen tries to roar away, but the overloaded VW is moving inches at a time. The U-Haul and its incredible load of books, barely moving while Chen guns the engine. LESLIE’S APT-DAY- All in white and bleached wood, even the pillory. There's a rack of whips on the wall. They're white and immaculate, they've never been used. They simply have to be there to give the thing a moral tone. She's on the bed, brushing her hair. David is at the desk looking at a map and guide books to the Middle East. His solution to every problem is to read a book about it. It usually works. ‘Poor little man.” “He seems to think so. Look, Turkey is a little obvious. Let's try Lebanon. Anything is possible in Lebanon.” Isn't there a war there, again?” “They're only killing each other and they only fight at night.” “How lovely, do they do lunch? And dont say goodbye to Sarah. 32 “Hang in there.” “She'd have you committed. She'd have us both committed.” “Is that such a bad idea?” “They're not going to put us in the same cell, dear heart. They'd burn us at the stake and call it pyrotherapy. These are the real monsters, not cute little ones like us, but the real thing.” “If you feel that way, why do you have an analyst?” “I dont. When I want to say something, I say my analyst said it so you cant argue with it. He doesn't exist.” “Very shrewd, but dont call him until we get back.” She smiles. DOJO -DAY- This one teaches the exotic Western martial art of steer roping. 40 Japanese executives are lined up in jeans and Stetsons, bowing to the instructor with the traditional greeting of "Howdy, Pardner." David is cleaning out his locker. He takes out a black belt. The instructor, a 50 year old James Dean, is watching him with a mixture of annoyance and affection. “Rich people everywhere the same, never go out of the house except go another house. But all the time...huh...huh...huh. He pantomimes coughing. All these women. You kill yourself. When last time you grow crass?” David bows and leaves. STREET-DAY- David is carrying his black belt and Stetson. He passes a garbage can and drops them in. 33 STREET-DAY- David and Leslie are walking up the stairs of a re-modeled brownstone. A plaque says REPUBLIC OF LEBANON, CONSUL GENERAL with a picture of a cedar tree. LEBANESE CONSULATE They're sitting in front of the desk with David explaining the purpose of the visit. ‘”..to study Islamic architecture. I am a student of art history.” “But the only logical place would be Istanbul, possibly, Yemen.” “I keep telling him that.” “Istanbul has been done to death. Lebanon has been strangely overlooked.” “But the war...” “That's the point. If the architecture is going to be studied, it has to be before the war destroys it.” The Asst. Consul shakes his head and sighs, then reluctantly stamps their visas and signs them. “You must send me a copy of your book.” “Oh, I will. I will.” They come down the stairs. She smiles and takes his arm. Outrageously, They look like any other couple in love on a spring day. BEIRUT AIRPORT -DAY- They're walking away from a 747 and into the terminal. He's carrying a heavy shoulder bag. As he goes through the metal detector, the alarm system goes berserk. Bells and sirens go off. militia Men, wearing black hoods with crosses painted between the eyes, appear out of nowhere. 34 and point assault rifles at them. The customs inspector seizes David's shoulder bag and empties it on the table. The bag was full of chains and manacles. There's a brank: a metal cage for the head that forces a long metal tongue depressor into the mouth. The customs inspector is baffled. “Are you in the hardware business?” “Body sculpture.” He shovels the chains back into the bag and shuts it. he walks off with Leslie. The customs inspector waves his hand and the militia men let them through. HOTEL LOBBY David and Leslie are walking away from he reservation desk. “Let's find the bar.” “There's a bar? Alcohol is against Islamic law.” “That was then. There isn't any law.” “Do they torture prisoners?” “I'm sure they do, everyone does.” “I thought, perhaps, we could watch.” “We can ask. That autopsy was kind of nice, but it’s more fun when you do it yourself.” “I think I need to be spanked.” “It's a beginning.” She links arms with him as they walk into the bar. “Or they might torture us, it's frightening.” “That wouldn't frighten you. You'd think it was hilarious. You’d even give them suggestions. 35 They sit down at the bar. The bartender walks over. He's a Christian Arab named Amram. “T and T” Leslie nods. “Twice.” “Did you finish your degree?” David clenches his eyes shut. He's convinced that he's finally gone crazy. “Do you two know each other?” David looks at him “Oh, no.” “Sure, CUNY grad school. Did you get your degree.” “No, did you?” “Sure, PHD in poli sci. When I got back here, they told me that they had enough politicians. So, I'm a bartender. He puts the glasses down in front of them.David reaches for some money, but Amram holds up his hand and shakes his head. “To revolution.” He raises his glass. “First we'd need a government.” “Can I buy you one? A drink, I mean.” Against Islamic law. Islamic law, that's like the Italian economy or the Swiss navy. “You're not being too cool.” “I see you, I think we're still in New York. Anyway, they dont shoot waiters, the officers will need us.” 36 “Do you know where we can get some hashish?” Leslie says brightly. Amram pours himself a double shot of Johnnie Red and gulps it. “Good to see you again. Welcome to Beirut.” HOTEL ROOM David and Leslie are standing by the window, naked. They're watching a running gun fight in the street. A gunman runs around the corner and catches a burst from an assault rifle point blank in the stomach. The body explodes from internal pressure. “Politics are so boring.” “Yeah...all the same like rodeos.” “It’s a problem with movies too. I wish I had lived in the last century.” “It was worse.” “Yes, but I wouldn't have known it.” “With a corset from your armpits to your knees and barely able to walk. “Yum! “Yeah.” There's a knock at the door. David looks at the street then at the door. He closes the drapes so that, when he opens the door, light from the hall wont attract gunfire from the street. He signals for Leslie to go into the bathroom, jumps into his jeans then opens the door holding his gun behind his back. It's Amram and he jerks his head to signal David to come out into the hall. David walks out, slipping the Browning into his jeans at the small of his back. “You think the room is bugged?” “I dont know, just living the part. How do you expect to get this past customs?” 37 “Easy, we dont go past customs.” Amram shrugs elaborately. “There's a beach reserved for Europeans. Be there at 10 with your woman. No, bring her. You'll look like tourists. Drug smugglers travel alone. A TWA flight bag. An Arab will run up to you and say that you left it in the cab.” “Old tricks are sometimes the best but...” “In the middle of a 100 naked Europeans and all of them squinting at the sun, it's perfect.” David takes out some money and hands it over. Amram pockets it without counting it. “Why are you doing this?” “Why are you doing it? You have to live here.” There's no risk, it's perfectly legal. Then why all the conspiracy? Trying to give you your money's worth. You Americans seem to expect it. You will like Beirut. “I think I'm going to love it.” Beyond a window behind them, the city is lit up by flashes and explosions that sparkle through the gaps in the drapes. There is a continuous rattle of small arms fire. HOTEL ROOM-NIGHT- Leslie is chained spread eagled to the bed. David is standing over her with a riding crop. “Not tonight, you wont, we have to go to the beach tomorrow. “I heard you through the door.” “Yeah.” He lays down beside her and puts his hands behind his head. 38 “You going to leave me like this?” “No. He gags her then goes back to staring into space and lighting a hash pipe. She wriggles and makes a lot of muffled grunts. Evil John had wrecked the hydorfoil on a submerged clump of cypress roots and rather than risk an arguement I shoot him. An alligator with a groupie stare took him tenderly by the leg and dragged him lovingly into deeper water. Evil John took it all very badly. Very Badly. His problem was that he lacked a sense of history. I slung the flight bag full of cocaine and was 10 yards into the cypress swap when I meet this bone-white Cuban kid wearing 15th century Spanish armor, only made of turtle shells with arnidillo hides for the elbow joints. He said his name was Ponce de Leon which is believable since I can understand him and the brand of Spanish they taught me in highschool hadn't been spoken in 500 years. On the table were 3 goblets (they're better at Bloomie’s), 1 contained water from the foutain of youth and the other 2 contained tasteless odorless poisons for which there was no anitdote And he put forth the following proposition: I coulddrink from 1 (or more) of the goblets or take my chances with the swamp. I thought of getting him in a blindingly painful Aikido lock I had learned in the advanced marketing course at Wharton, but he had me covered so I said. "Too simple. Suppose I choose a goblet and then, before I drink you remove 1 goblet and let change my choice to the 1 remaining." "So what?, the odds are still 2 to 1 against you which ever goblet you pick." "No, they're not. Since the odds are 2 to 1 that I choose the wrong goblet, switching goblets improves my chances of winning from 1/3 to 2/3." Ponce de Leon tried to get by with a knowing smile. He's clearly upset. "That doesn't make sense." "Of course it does. Let's describe a typical outcome of the game by a 4-tuple: (u,v,w,x) where {u} is the goblet I 39 choose, {v} is the goblet you remove, {w} is the goblet I switch to and {x} stands for {W} or {L} meaning: whether I win or lose. For example, the 4-tuple (1,2,3,L} stands for: I chose goblet number 1, you remove goblet number 1 ( the one with water from the fountain of youth), I switch to goblet number 3 (the only one left) and I get killed because it's poison. The sample space can be written S = {(1,2,3,L), (1,3,2,L), (3,2,1, W) " "Wait a minute." "No, consider the entire sample space of all possible outcomes: Let's say that your initial choice is governed by the uniform probability distribution: each of the doors has probability = 1/3. Now go back and look at S. You are initially going to choose door 2 with , say, probability = 1/3. The only outcome in S with 2 in the 1st position is (2,3,1,W). Therefore, we must assign probability = 1/3 to this outcome. “By a simple change of variable, I am going to choose 3 with probability 1/3. and the outcome in S corresponding to this sequence is (3,2,1,W) amd this outcome is also assigned probability = 1/3. But in S, if I choose 1, I lose and I can lose in 2 distinct ways. Our reasoning here is that the event you initially choose goblet 1 E(1) = {(1,2,3,L), (1,3,2,L) has probaility 1/3. Without further assumptions the probabilities of the indiviadual events (1,2,3,L) and (1,3,2,L) are not uniquely determined. But for our problem these probabilities are irrelevent as we now see. For let P(1,2,3,L) = a, P(1,3,2,L) = b where a + b = 1/3. The event I am interested in is E(I win) = {(2,3,1), (3,2,1)} From the rules: P(I win) = 1/3 + 1/3 = 2/3 And what's more, P(I lose) = 1/3 So this answers our question--according to our 40
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