Untitled 123 (4) “ You’re afraid of me, aren’t you?” It had slipped before he knew what he was saying. He had never meant for her to hear his thoughts. Casey’s head jerked up, so that she was staring at him. Her expression was filled with fatigue and exasperation. “ Is it that obvious?” She asked, trying to hide her eyes from him. Brand felt a jolt of hurt when she said that. Why was she afraid of him? “ But why?” He asked, needing to know. “ Why? You’re asking me why I am afraid of you?” She repeated. “ Yes, and I would like to hear your answer.” Brand crossed his arms and leaned back against the door. “ I thought that would be obvious too. Brand, you make me crazy. You have more control over my emotions than I do. You make it so, that I can’t take my eyes off of you. You make me think and feel things I’ve never felt before. And I hate it. I hate you, or at least what you do to me. You throw my composure. You break through all my walls and shields and I can’t keep you out. I just want to get over you. It’s not fair to you, Ryan, and me especially. Ryan likes me and I like him. I can’t keep having feelings for you. I can’t keep causing myself pain thinking about you.” Casey finally ended. By the time Brand had processed all she had said, she had moved even farther away. “ Casey,” He moved a step closer, causing her to step back. “ Don’t. Please don’t touch me.” Casey mumbled beneath her breath. “ Casey, don’t do this. Please! Listen to me, I know how you feel. Girl, you do the same things to me. You’re in my every thought, every day. You’re in my dreams. I can’t find a safe haven from you and your smile. Casey, you’re like sunshine in a gray place. I don’t know what I feel at the moment, because it is new. You’re the first girl to have broken through to my heart. I don’t know if I love you, but I know I like you. I like you a lot!” He paused when he saw the tears rolling down her face. “ God Casey, please don’t cry. I can handle hate, rage, and hitting just not that. Your tears rip me apart.” This time he was able to walk up to her. He took her in his arms and hugged her. He hugged her so fiercely, as if she were his anchor to the earth. He felt her relax a little when he stroked her back. After a little bit, Brand spoke. “ Better?” He asked. “ Yeah, I guess. But Brand, this really can’t continue. This needs to end here and now.” Casey said painfully. “ What are you talking about? I know you don’t believe that and you don’t want that.” Brand said. “ It doesn’t matter what I want. What I want to be, is happy and I don’t think you can make me happy.” Casey said, pulling back. “ Why are you saying this?” Brand asked shockingly. “ Because it’s true.” Casey answered. “ How do you know what I can or can’t do? Is this because of Ryan? Do you really think that jock could make you happy?” He asked, getting upset. “ You’ve hurt me once, and I promised myself a long time ago, that I would never let you hurt me again. Ryan has been so straight with me, and I trust him, so much more than I do you.” Casey turned away from him and walked to the window. “ Does he know? Does he know what we did? What Jay did to you? Have you even told him yet?” He asked question after question. “ No.” Casey whispered so quietly, that Brand had to strain to hear her. “ What? I couldn’t hear you!” He said in a stiff voice. “ I said no.” She said, a little bit louder. “ Speak up Casey!” He said, getting loud. “ No! No! NO! Happy now?” She shouted hysterically, turning away from the window to glare at him. “ Yes! See, he may be straight with you, but you’re lying to him, yet you claim to trust him with so much more. Yet, I know what we did, what Jay did to you!” Brand shouted back. “ I didn’t tell you. You were involved with both situations.” “ That’s beside the point. If you loved Ryan, you would have been able to tell him everything that happened. I know you don’t love him. I know because you said that I’m always on your mind. Casey, listen to what you are saying.” Brand pleaded with her. “ No, you don’t understand! I don’t love you! I can’t! I need you to leave me alone, so I can get on with life. I’m supposed to be with Ryan, and I could never hurt him like that.” Casey yelled again, with tears flooding down her face. “ But you can hurt me like that?” Brand asked in a broken voice. “ How can I hurt someone who doesn’t love me? You said it yourself, you don’t know if you love me. Well I can’t and wont wait around until you figure that out. Ryan likes me, maybe he even loves me.” Casey finished heatedly. “ Casey, Ryan is bad news. He isn’t who you think he is and…” Brand was cutoff. “ And what! You’re not?! You play girls Brand. You play them until you have them kneeling at your feet! You’re a liar and only care about yourself! And I know that bet you and Jay made, that night of the party! So don’t go accusing Ryan of what you yourself do!” Casey shouted. “ Casey, just listen. Yeah, I made the bet, but I never went through with it! Why do you think I came up to you when Jay started talking to you?” He asked. “ Brand, I don’t want to hear it. I’m sick of listening to your lies. Please, just leave.” Casey said, moving across the room. “ You can’t just get rid of me like that Casey! I wont let you!” Brand said with heat. “ I can and I will! Now get out!” She yelled. “ Fine.” Brand threw up his hands as he stormed out of the room. She heard him as he made his way down the stairs, then out the front door. She cringed when he peeled out of the drive way. Throwing herself on the bed, she buried her head beneath her pillows to sob out her anguish. “ Casey, may I come in?” Her mother’s voice asked through the door. “ Yeah, come in.” Casey said in a watery voice. “ Oh honey!” Her mother crooned when she saw Casey’s shadowed face. Sitting down beside her, she gave her a huge hug. “ What happened?” “ Everything’s changed. I don’t know anymore mom. I promised myself that I would never let him hurt me again. I thought cutting him out would make me feel better, but I feel worse. I don’t want to get hurt again, but I think I’m hurting myself more by not admitting that I love him. I’ve tried telling myself, I like Ryan and that’s the right person to be with, but it’s not working. Every time I see him or I am near him, I feel my heart beat faster and faster.” “ Oh Casey! I don’t know what to tell you. I know you have been through a lot lately. I guess the only thing I can say is listen to your heart. Who does it tell you to choose?” Her mother asked. “ It’s telling me to give him a second chance. It’s telling me to believe in everything he says. But he plays girls and sometimes only says the things they want to hear. And it doesn’t feel right, hurting Ryan like that.” Casey said. “ Doing what’s right all the time, wont make us happy. Sometimes we have to do the wrong things in order to make them right. Just think on it tonight, then talk to them both when you know what you want. Just be straight forward with both of them and stay calm.” Casey’s mother stood, then kissed her on the forehead before leaving. When the door closed behind her mother, Casey knew she needed to talk to someone, the only someone who had ever been there for her. “ Hello?” The voice on the other line asked. “ Bri, is that you?” Casey asked quickly. “ Yeah. Who’s this?” She asked. “ It’s Casey.” Casey answered. “ You finally back?” Bri asked, sarcastically. “ Look, can we just talk. I need your help with some things.” Casey said. “ Alright I guess. I’ll be over in twenty.” Bri said before hanging up the phone. Slamming the door behind him, Brand stormed into the living room. He stopped dead in his tracks when he saw his mother and father sitting across from each other, talking. “ Brand, you’re home late. Where have you been?” His mother asked with concern. Seeing his stiff stance, she changed her line of questioning. “ Is everything ok?” “ Everything’s fine mom. I just had to stop at a friends house to talk. I guess we lost track of time.” Brand flicked his eyes, from his mother to his father, then back. “ Before you say anything, he’s here to talk.” his mother said. “ Alright.” He said before sitting in an arm chair. “ I’m listening.” He said sarcastically. He continued to glare at his father. “ Ok then, what I came here to discuss with you and your mother is visiting. You know, I’ve moved into the district and I think it would be good for all of us if you started spending every other week with me. You would have your own room and stuff. I just think it’s time we started to get along.” His father just stared at him. Brand just glared back before finally deciding to speak. “ It’s been 5 years. And all I see or hear from you is money and a few phone calls a few times a month. Now, you want to change my life so we can get along? Do you have any clue about how difficult life is for me right now? And you’re asking me to move? Listen to what your asking. If you expect me to do that, you’re crazier than I realized.” Brand got up from the chair and started to make his way to the stairs. “ Whether you want to admit it or not, you’re still my son! And there is nothing that you’re going through, that me or your mother haven’t gone through before. You take advantage of your mother and its time you had a man back in your life to teach you a thing or two about respect. And whether you want to or not, you will spend every other week with me! I’m still you’re father and you will respect me as such!” His father’s loud voice resounded through all the rooms. “ Please Steve, there is no need to get loud.” His mother pleaded. “ Really Carlie, it’s time you stopped spoiling him. He’s 17 and should act his age!” His father yelled back. “ Don’t yell at her you bastard! We’ve been doing fine without you, and we’ll continue on in the same way!” Brand yelled back. “ This is what I get for trying to be a good father? Well forget it, I’m done with the both of you.” His father walked over to the coat rack, grabbed his coat then stormed out of the house. Brand watched as his mother’s shoulders slouched in defeat . “ Why can’t the two of you ever get along? It shouldn’t always end in a shouting match.” His mother spoke in a detached voice. “ It’s him mom and you know it. Why do you continue to let him hurt you?” Brand asked, angry at his mother for letting his father do this to her again. “ Because I love him and I love you. I just want you to know what a great person he is and how much alike the two of you are.” She said in a desperate voice. “ He is not that great mother! And I think you started realizing that, if he loved you he wouldn’t be putting you through all this! And I am not like him! And I never will be!” Brand said, raising his voice to his mom. “ Please, there’s no need to shout, I’m right here and your father is gone.” His mother said, trembling a little. “ I’m sorry, it’s just been a long night and I seem to screw up every time I turn around. If you don’t mind, I’m gonna head to my room. See you in the morning.” Brand heaved a heavy sigh before retreating up the stairs. “ Will you just listen to me! I need help! Every thing is screwed up right now, and you’re the only one I can talk to! I don’t know what to do anymore.” Casey was desperately trying to get Bri to understand. “ Why should I listen. I tried to help you before, I told you what kind of guy he was and did you listen? No! You brushed me off and continued to see him! Have you talked to Ryan yet? Probably not, since I was with him and Pat last night. He couldn’t stop talking about you Casey! He kept saying how he couldn’t wait to date you, and how much he liked you! He was even surprised at his feelings!” Bri shouted. “ How can he like me so much? We never talked before this year and now all of a sudden he can take his mind off me! It just doesn’t make sense! Why now?” Casey asked, confused. “ Just because you never talked before, didn’t mean he didn’t like you! Our school’s messed up when it comes to appearances Casey, you know that! What would have people said, if he started talking to you?” Bri answered. “ What! Are you saying that because of my looks now, is the only reason he is talking to me! Come on Bri! And you think that is ok? Maybe there’s a side of Ryan that you don’t know about! Maybe he isn’t this sweet guy after all! Maybe he’s just playing us all! You were friends with me when I had just my personality! Pat was part of the football team and he talked to me! So why couldn’t Ryan? Just because he was the quarter back and people expected him to date a cheerleader! Well, open your eyes Bri! Ryan has this school wrapped around is finger and he could date or talk to anyone he liked and the school would have cared less! Obviously, looks count to him or he wouldn’t even be talking to me! But you know what! Brand did! He talked to me and even more, he loved me! In his own way, before I became this.” She pointed at her reflection in disgust. “ You wanna know what else! I wish I was still the old me! I wish I had never become pretty! It gets you nothing, except pain and lonliness! I’m done with it!” Casey was crying by now, as she stared at Bri’s blank face. “ Brand isn’t better than Ryan! No matter what you tell yourself he is, he never will be! He plays girls and you know that! Casey, girl, you’re my best friend, but sometimes you make stupid decisions, like that party at Jay’s. Why the hell ‘d you leave with him for anyways. You could have found Ryan and he would have taken you home!” Bri asked. “ I didn’t want him to see me after what had happened. Brand was just helping me.” Casey paused, not really wanting to continue. “ Casey, what are you saying?” Bri asked in shock. “ Bri, God don’t you see! I was attacked! I was almost raped and all because some guy wanted to see if I was still a virgin!” Casey was humiliated that she had to tell what had happened. “ Oh my God Casey! Why didn’t you ever tell me or Ryan?” Bri asked again in shock. “ You guys wouldn’t have believed me when I told you who it was.” Casey said. “ Who? Who would do something like that?” Bri asked. “ Jay.” Casey whispered. “ What! Are you for real?” Bri shrieked. “ Why would I make something like that up? You know me Bri! When have I ever lied to you about something so serious.” Casey said, trying to calm herself. “ Oh my God! I can’t believe he would do something like that!” Bri was shocked to her very core. “ Yeah, well he couldn’t finish.” Casey said, down casting her eyes. “ What do you mean?” Bri asked. “ I mean, I hit bit him. Then Brand was there, telling him to stay away or he’d call the cops.” Casey finished. “ Wow. I guess I was wrong about him all along.” Bri said. “ Yeah, well for the most part. There’s a little more that I never told you.” Casey said, deciding it was time to tell what had happened. “ You don’t have to tell me Casey. I understand and I’m sorry for freaking out on you like that.” Bri said. Walking over to where Casey was standing, she wrapped her arms around her in a hug. “ Just know, that whenever anything happens, I will be there for you and I will believe anything you say.” “ Thank you so much Bri. But I think it’s time I told you that I am no longer a virgin. I haven’t been since the summer after freshman year. It happened at Stacy’s party, do you know the one I’m talking about?” “ Yeah I remember Pat dropping us off at your house afterwards. I knew there was something different about you. You were extremely quite and I couldn’t figure out why.” “ Well, I was kinda upset about everything really. I had never meant for anything to happen, it’s just… one minute we were dancing the next we were upstairs making out. Then he started touching me and I wanted to stop him, but the things he made me feel were like… I don’t know. I knew he was going to be a junior and I was excited that someone had finally seen me and was interested in me like that. Then when we were done, he took me downstairs and I never saw him again until that party on Friday.” Casey finished. “ Wow. I never thought it was anything like that. I’m a little upset you didn’t tell me, but whatever. I’m here for you now and I understand what you’re saying. I feel the same way when I’m with Pat. Sometimes I think we should stop, but I never can. But Casey, what’s the problem. If you don’t like Ryan then why don’t you take your chances with Brand again?” Bri asked. “ Because, I never talked to him again until this year, almost two years later. That really hurt me, because every time I saw him, he didn’t see me. I promised myself, that I would never let him hurt me again. And I’m afraid he will if I let him into my life.”
Copyright © 2007 Devin M McDaniel |