Falls Street (19) “Suit yourself,” I said. “But, I’m inclined to think that either you haven’t had enough or you’re dead.” “Huh?” she said. “I guess, just take it easy. Come out to the porch if you want to.” And she was gone, and I think I noticed another reason why everyone could say they wanted her. She couldn’t contrast anything. Nothing was her opposite. She was barely there in my mind. She seemed impervious. You couldn’t make her hate or disagree with anything. Sleeping with her would be a transgression of nothing at all. Nothing would change, except the fact that you could say you touched her body. It wouldn’t be anything more than that. Nothing would be sacrificed. And I almost thought I could grab her and kiss her and she’d just laugh it off. I couldn’t think of kissing her any other way. I could never imagine her wanting to kiss anyone. I thought about it through a beer or two. Crash was pretty high when he saw me. “Holy shit,” he said. “You’re still here?” “Yeah,” I said. “Not dead yet, but we’re working on it.” “Dude,” he said. “Dude, did you drink those beers?” “Yes,” I said. “And it’s only the beginning. Soon, I will have dranken all the beers in the whole refrigerator, and the then the entire world!” “Sure,” he said. “Okay, dude. You do that.” “Am I drunk, yet?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” he said. “You’re getting there.” “Did Ray get fucked yet?” I asked. “Ray?” he asked. “What about you? You were gone an awful long time.” “Yeah,” I said. “I think I really pissed Sarah off. I don’t give a fuck, though.” I finished the beer, opened the fridge from the floor, rolled over and grabbed another. “Are you sure you want to stay here in her house, dude?” he said. “It’s her party, right? And you pissed her off?” Crash was laughing now, watching me on the floor chugging my Bud. “If she wants to throw me out,” I said. “She’ll have to send the beer with me.” “Dude,” he said. “Maybe, you should take it easy on that stuff.” “Nope,” I said. “All right,” he said. “If you can get up off the kitchen floor, then I won’t hassle you about the beer. Otherwise, I’m cutting you off.” “Okay,” I said. “But, if I get up, you’re having another beer with me.” “All right,” Crash said. “Whatever.” And I got up and hit my head against the cabinet below the sink. I didn’t fall down, though. I was fine. Crash was laughing at me, but he went into the fridge to get his beer. We went back to the porch together. Ray was there on the patio furniture talking to that girl still. Connie Stults getting chased around with the garden hose. It was probably a bit cold for that. I leaned against the side of the house watching her jump around and screech like someone was trying to murder her. One of the guys got her right in the ass leaving a dark water stain in between her cheeks wear you could see how her underwear fit around her. Everyone laughed and so did she. I was actually thinking about having fun, pretending I hadn’t seen or heard anything from Sarah Highroad that night. I was feeling good just being outside, drinking, and not paying attention to the fact that she existed somewhere. I didn’t hear the car pull up the driveway. I didn’t see it coming, until I caught it right in the stomach. I doubled over on the porch. I fell next to Ray’s chair. He hopped up and stepped away. “You wanted to see me?” Tommy asked. “Fuck,” I said, because I fell on a stone or something. My hand was all scraped up, my elbow, too. Just when I thought it couldn’t get worse…. “There he is,” I heard Reggie yelling from somewhere above me. “He’s been doing nothing, but talk shit all night.” Tommy started kicking me, but not too hard. I kind of felt like sleeping, anyway. “What’s the matter with him?” he asked. “He’s all drunk up,” Reggie said. “He don’t know how to drink. He’s been falling all over this place messing things up.” “Fuck,” I said, because it hurt too much to say fuck you to Reggie. Tommy reached down and picked me up by the shirt collar. “What’s the matter with you?” Tommy asked. “You thought if you got all messed up, I wouldn’t touch you?” He threw me against the house and when I came off the wall, he clocked me in the side of the head. I tried to fall down, but I fell back against the house instead. For some dumb reason, I leaned my head back and looked up at the sky. Then, I laughed. The whole moment was just too sweat and funny. It was hysterical, but I can’t say why. Tommy had that silly mean face. He looked like a cartoon. He looked just like a big angry animal in a children’s pop-up book. And it was probably the most interesting part of the whole story, but it didn’t feel good enough. The characters were flat. The descriptions were sparse, and I couldn’t see any reason anyone would care what happened. That’s why I started laughing, because I knew that I had done my best and that the world couldn’t live up to it. I looked up at the sky trying to imagine some place far away, a life that would never and could never exist. I guess I could just say that I wish I never left my room, but I was actually glad for that moment, everything was sparkling and clear just before Tommy hit me in the eye. At last, I had a right to be disappointed. “Thank you,” I said before my eye started swelling up. “Had enough?” Tommy asked. “Hey,” Ray said. “That’s enough, man, he’s done.” No one really listen to him. “Go ahead man,” Reggie said. “He deserves everything he gets.” “Probably,” I said to Reggie trying to get back to my feet. Ray reached down and helped me up. I leaned against him with all my weight, and he nearly fell over. He tossed me up against the wall, and I fell against it, barely staying upright. “Get him out of here,” Reggie said to Ray. I laughed. “I’m sorry, Ray,” I said. “I guess I ruined the party, right?” “Jesus Christ,” Ray said. “Why did you have to…” “What’s this about?” Crash asked. “You still pissed off, because he broke your jaw? How’s the fucking apple sauce been, Tommy?” “Shut the fuck up,” Tommy said. “This son of bitch sucker punched me.” “At least he isn’t going around beating up girls, Tommy,” Crash said. Tommy forgot I was there, and turned everything back at Crash. Reggie was standing around with his mouth dropped open looking for something to say. Well, he could really drop his mouth open, but he looked kind of dumb founded and his cheeks stretched down a bit. Tommy put up his fists. “Don’t fuck with me, Tommy,” Crash said. “I don’t care if I get hurt. It ain’t much of an accomplishment to hurt me anyway, but you can be damn sure if I hurt you, I’m going to brag about it to everyone I’ve ever met. And you’re going to have to hunt me down and beat my ass everyday to shut me up.” “Who do you fuckers think you are?” Tommy said. “Nobody wants you around. Nobody here wants anything to do with you. You’re walking around thinking you’re big shots now, is that it?” “I try not to think about that stuff, Tommy,” Crash said. “Just trying to take it easy.” And Tommy looked like he was confused or tired, maybe. He just stood there looking at Crash who didn’t seem to be alarmed at all. Everyone was staring at Tommy, and he could feel it. I stood up straight and felt like I should tell him that I was sorry. It would have been a good time to do it, but it felt kind of good to see everyone watching him. His whole head seemed pretty solid, like a rock someone had painted on. Tommy was a pretty good-looking guy, I guess. Fat, though. He always had to be something else, more than fat, in order to be noticed. Usually, people said he was one tough son of a bitch. Donna had nothing to do with his being there. No one cared that he hit her. No one ever said it out loud. I never would have. I couldn’t believe Crash had the balls to do it in front of everybody, and Tommy just shrugged it off, like he didn’t even hear it. He could have just called him an asshole, and it would have been the same thing. Tommy just wanted a fight to make sure that he was something more than just fat. And I couldn’t imagine anyone who was staring at him not understanding every simple thought going on in his head. But they weren’t going to say anything. Maybe, they were thinking what I was thinking, too. Maybe, they were thinking that Donna Smith’s one stupid ass girl if she stays with this kind of guy. Maybe, they were thinking she deserves it. And I got this feeling that nobody is innocent. That nobody’s worth saving from themselves. I got this feeling like we should all just walk away. And Crash had figured this all out some time before me somehow, because he wasn’t standing there trying to be a hero. He knew there just wasn’t any point in it. He was just saying that enough is enough. When all life amounts to is a frame of mind, wouldn’t you rather calm down? Wouldn’t you rather try not worrying so much? And I’ve always been afraid of wasting time. I’ve always been afraid of not being enough. And I stood there bleeding, watching Tommy struggling in his head, and I noticed we had something in common. We were both miles away from feeling all right. We never really worked on that the whole time we were alive. Something in the way he balled his hands up at his side told me that Tommy might never even realize it. The closest he would ever come to understanding would be the way he felt when everyone was looking at him. He’d probably go punch a wall to get rid of the feeling, anyway. I don’t blame him, because it hurts. To know you fought so hard throughout yourself, learned so much, waited and hoped for so many things, and to figure you don’t know anything at all about what makes you happy or sad, that’s when it feels like your whole life is one big fuck up. That’s the big breakdown you’ve got to reach, though. You have to feel it, and know what it is. All else follows from that point, slowly. It’s so slow, you might turn back around, get mad, lose focus, and forget yourself. I wish I had something to say that would make everybody strong enough to keep going. I wish I found something out there watching Tommy in the center of everything, helplessly looking for something to push. I didn’t. I just kind of wanted to take it easy. I just figured it was time to start learning how. Tommy got in his car and left. Crash asked me if I was about ready. Ray stayed behind. He had a great conversation piece to go on, and it would have been a shame to waste it. I shook his hand and wished him luck. Ray said, “You two are fucking nuts, you know that?” “Yeah,” I said. “You better let us know what happens tonight, okay?” “Sure thing,” Ray said. “Get your asses out of here before someone else tries to beat on you.” “See yah, Ray,” Crash said. “Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do?” And that’s how we left it. We walked back down the driveway, and we traveled two blocks onto Crash’s street. I left blood on Falls Street, but I wasn’t feeling all that bad. One of my front teeth kind of hurt, but it wasn’t chipped or anything. Mostly, I was feeling the alcohol. I sobered up quiet a bit before we got to Crash’s porch. He asked me what happened with me and Sarah, and I told him I didn’t want to talk about it. I stayed with him on the porch hoping he’d ask again. I wanted to tell to someone that night just to get it all out of me. That’s when the window broke, and we heard the noises from inside. “My mother’s car is gone,” Crash said. “Maybe, she’s out shopping,” I said. “No,” he said. “She finally did it. She finally had enough.” Then, he smiled.
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Copyright © 2001 Scott W. Hazzard |