From Tears To Hope (9) But you’d not know the depth of the beat of My heart.” “The glow of My comfort late into the night, The faith that I give when you walk without sight. The depth that’s beyond getting just what you asked of an infinite God, who makes what you have LAST.” “You’d never know, should your pain quickly flee, What it means that “My grace is sufficient for Thee.” “Yes, your dreams for your loved one overnight would come true. But, Oh, the Loss! If I lost what I’m doing in you! So, be silent, My Child, and in time you will see, that the greatest of gifts is to get to know Me.” “And though oft’ may My answers seem terribly late. My most precious answer of all is still, ‘WAIT’.” Ruby Miller I still drive 110 miles round trip every Monday night to a group counseling session at the hospital where I started my recovery. Sometimes there are new faces, that only stay a short while, maybe a few weeks and then they stop coming, thinking everything is “okay”. But then there are the ones like me, my other “family”, Nancy, Gloria, Gary, Jessica, Jeanne, M. J., and of course our group leader, “Bouzek”, that we have seen each other through some rough times. “Grief knits hearts in closer bonds than happiness ever can; and common sufferings are far stronger links than common joys.” Alphonse de Lamartine. There is a common language those that have experienced grief, depression, mental illness, speak; one that can often be understood without words. It is in the sharing in the loss of many hearts that our own hearts begin to heal. We are not alone; someone else has gone through or is going through the same thing (or worse) and survived. We learn to rise above our own grief by reaching out and trying to lessen the grief of someone else. You see, grief and pain are a journey. They cannot be ordered or categorized, hurried or controlled, pushed aside or ignored indefinitely. It is inevitable as breathing, as change, as love. You might postpone it…but it is not going to be denied in your life forever. That is why we still meet; to ease our brokenness and lift our spirits once again. It is only human that we look around and feel tired, hopeless and broken totally. The thought of trying to rebuild your life is enough to make you want to crawl back into bed and hide. But you must go on, begin to pick up the pieces and let the Master show you how to reconstruct and build an even better model. At this time, God is sending in reinforcements before you even know it. All that you need to do is be ready and willing to put your hand in His and follow Him. This, of course, is no guarantee that things will go smoothly. There will be setbacks; sometimes it seems on a daily basis. You will receive word on what is going on in the other person’s life. Or maybe something they did or said. Maybe an anniversary will cause you to retreat back into the shadows. As our first anniversary after the separation approached, I felt great dread and sadness. I wanted to run away and hide, to escape from the memories. It used to be a day of cards with promises of love forever, a day of yellow roses or overnight trips. Now it is a reminder of him telling me of his affair, that he was in love with another, of having to tell our children he was leaving, of my life being changed forever but not by my choosing. Tell me how I got here…tell me how did I fall? Why didn’t I see this coming or predict it at all? Your love for me is no longer, your desire for me no more. My dreams all shattered with my heart, my very soul drowned. Darkness embraces me and I cannot break free. Am I that worthless, of so little value? Why am I never enough for anybody? Have you even noticed how much I am suffering? Do you ever feel sad, remorseful or hurt? I loved you so much, every single thing about you. In my eyes no one will ever be as perfect as you were. Your laughter, kiss, touch, voice, eyes and soul. I’ve cried thousands of tears but they haven’t lessened the pain. Each morning I wake up and my heart still is sore. No one can ever rescue me from this bottomless pit of misery but you. But you don’t even care how broken I am… Carole P. Graham 2002 A friend wrote me these words at a time when I needed them most: “I know what it is like to feel overwhelmed and almost paralyzed with indecision. Often times it is when I am already overwhelmed with burdens of worry and constantly reacting to things that I have no control over, it seems I magnify the negative things in my life until it is all I see. I see only the burdens of my blessings rather than the blessings themselves. The worry of trying to keep things “normal” for my family rather than enjoying their presence and love. The worry of a job that sucks up so much of my time rather than being thankful for a good one that provides so well for me and my family. The worry of my parents growing older and having health problems rather than being thankful I have them here with me now and am able to tell them how I feel and what they mean to me. The worry of having aches and pains in a once broken body rather than being thankful that I’m alive and able to walk in the first place. And last, but certainly not least, the worry of having a broken heart that is still on the mend rather than being thankful I am still able to feel things inside of me after so many past hurts in there. The list goes on and on and on but the bottom line is I know what it is like to feel like I have more on me than I can bear. But I always take comfort in knowing that I have Him lending me strength and guidance and nudging me when I need it. Reminding me of His love, reminding me of my blessings and reminding me that I am made by Him with everything I need to do what it is He wants me to do. I still have doubts and struggle at times, but I always know in the end, it will turn out as He wishes, and that’s enough for me. And yes, there is someone out here thinking about you, pulling for you and understands when you feel wonderful and not so wonderful, too. I have a size 11D Wolverine boot to put in your butt when you need it and a shoulder to lean on when you have to cry. There is a friend out here that has a place in his heart for you and you can always turn to when the days in your life get “too much” no matter what else is happening. Don’t give up wanted to live and have a good life for yourself. You deserve the best. Take comfort in the thought of His grace and perfect love and all your caring friends support.” This is a true God-sent miracle…a friend who “loveth” at all times, even when you don’t love yourself, even when the world is spinning and you can’t stop it and you seem to be unable to even make the simplest decision in your life. All of these things may slow down your progress but you must stand firm and trust God to fight these battles for you. We fail, we fall, we hurt, but thank God, He is there at every venture. When the we think how undesirable, unlovable and hopeless we are, the Lord comes along beside us and whispers in our ear that he sees beauty, someone He loves and that He has many hopes and dreams for us. And who is the one on which we can forevermore depend to never have trouble with His eyesight? Today is a new day, with promises of its own I’m not looking back, I am moving on. It’s a new beginning, with a chance to do things right. And show others compassion that are not yet alright. I’ll choose my words wisely from lessons I have learned. And remember that trust is something to be earned. Yes, today is a new beginning and I’ll cherish it as gold. And deep within my heart, it’s value will I hold. I promise to consider my hopes, fears and dreams; And pray for God’s strength to always be with me. So, how do we start the healing process? The first step, I can tell you, is the hardest and that is dealing with the person that is hardest to deal with—us. We must be ready and willing to take responsibility for the mistakes we have made during this time in our lives and take stock of all we’ve said and done in order to learn something from this. Sometimes, when we are in the deepest, darkest valleys, it’s easy to forget His former mercies. It’s then, when we are in the healing process, we can take a look back at where we were and how far He has brought us and remember what He has delivered us from in the past. We can stop trying so hard to “forget” and simply remember—He is God—He is faithful—He is the one who was there all along—know that you are finally on your way to being whole again. “Praise the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all His benefits; who forgives all our sins and heals all our diseases…” Psalm 103:2-3 True healing means more than just curing our sick bodies. A part of true healing is forgiveness from what breaks our spirits and makes our souls and bodies unhealthy. How can we not forgive others when the Lord had mercy on us and His grace covered our shortcomings? We should never forget the joy of being forgiven and how it feels to know that we have been released from the debt of owing anything. Many times during my healing process, my counselor would tell me to look in the mirror at myself and tell myself that I loved me. During that time, it seems no one understood that it was hard for me to even look in the mirror, let alone love myself. After all, the one I loved didn’t love me any more, so I must not be worth loving. I was afraid of looking in the mirror and seeing what he had seen. So I chose not to look. The thing I couldn’t remember at the time was that everyone suffers heartbreak at one time or another, in one way or another. But only fools refuse to learn from their experiences. Our trials are an opportunity to grow. Remember, that all of this is earthly and unimportant. I cannot sit here and honestly tell you why you had to go through the pain and suffering that you did or for that matter why I did and still do at times. All I know for sure is that God has it in His ultimate plan for my life and I either trust Him with all of it or none of it—it’s that simple. “Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our Hearts by the Holy Spirit, who he has given us” Romans 5:3-5 For those of us who have suffered pain romantically, it is a heartache like no other. By exiting your life, he broke your heart, your spirit and your trust in all areas. The scars are even deeper if your shock was that not only did he not care if he hurt his family, but also his total disregard as a supposed child of God. I’ve heard it said “the only difference between men and boys is the price of their toys”. The definition of a toy is “an object for children to play with, something of little importance, a trifle, a bauble.” I Corinthians 13:11 says: “When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man I put away childish things.” The world gives us toys, things that look exciting but are not the main point. The older you get, the better you can see which is which, or that is the way it is supposed to work. I don’t believe it actually does sometimes. My ex chose a new, more exciting toy over his home and family. I don’t know his mind and heart, only that he is the one that has to deal with that now, not me. I’ve already given it to God to handle and that is between him and the Lord. I’m not responsible for his salvation, he is. Just realize, if you read the bible, the scripture predicts all of this will come to pass in the latter days. I still pray for him, knowing he is a child of God just like me and someone that I will always love as the father of my children. I don’t miss him any more, I just miss the person I thought he was. “But realize this, that in the last days difficult times will come. For men will be lovers of self, lovers of money, boastful, arrogant, revilers, disobedient to parents, ungrateful, unholy, unloving, irreconcilable, malicious gossips, without self-control, brutal, haters of good, treacherous, reckless, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God; holding to a form of godliness, although they have denied its power; and avoid such men as these. For among them are those who enter into households and captivate weak women weighed down with sins, led on by various impulses, always learning and never able to come to the knowledge of the truth” 2 Timothy 3:1-7 Now for me, that is some scary scripture. Those who act religious but don’t feel the need to be accountable to God for how they treat you or others. They are consumed by things of the world. They love themselves and earthly things more than God. God tells us in His word that if we “lack wisdom”, to ask Him and he will generously give it to us but most of the time, He is the last person we ask for advice. Why? Because we know He is probably going to tell us something we don’t want to hear. For me, a woman whose husband announced an adulterous affair and he was leaving, what comfort could God or anyone else for that matter have given me? None. No answer would have been right at that time. In the middle of times like these when we lack understanding, we simply have to draw the same conclusion that Paul did when he questioned the Lord regarding the affliction he suffered: “But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me” 2 Corinthians 12:9 Spring is heralded by the vernal equinox. An equinox happens when day and night are exactly equal. Equinoxes occur twice each year. On this day, light and darkness are equal. In our lives, we often have a tendency to let the darkness overpower the light. Remember, there is just as much light as there is darkness. The thing about spring, from the equinox forward, the light of each day increases while the darkness decreases. Remember that. You can choose which part you live in. You can choose which part you will focus on. Which part will you live in and focus on? ...light or darkness? The light is increasing. To live is to suffer; to survive is to find some meaning in the suffering. -Roberta Flack One thing I do know. It has been years and sometimes I still feel a grip of pain on my heart so deep that it takes my breath away. It is almost as terrible as that first moment when I realized that my family was vanishing right before my eyes. At times, I can still be broken and feel all those feelings all over again as I did in the very beginning. Some days are just plain tough. We are hurt, our plans have fallen through and prayers seem to bounce off of the ceiling and fall at our feet. We cry out to God sometimes in desperation, sometimes in anger but most of all for a response. We need relief from our daily struggles, from the people we thought we could trust that have betrayed us and the enemy behind it all who wreaks havoc daily to destroy all that is good in the world. O LORD, hear my prayer, listen to my cry for mercy; in your faithfulness and righteousness come to my relief. -- Psalm 143:1 You may be weak from the battering your sails have taken from the storm in your life. Defeat may have seemed to have halted you dead in your tracks. You see no options, no possibilities, no hope. But paralyzing doubt can be relieved by finding something to believe in as simple as dandelions, rainbows, the dawn of a new day, thunder and lightning, in the beauty of a sunset, in the smell of fresh cut grass, in the laughter of a child; all of this reminding you of His power and control over the outcome of every situation. That is where you will find God and more importantly, where He will find you…Loving you, whispering words of comfort to your soul, encouraging you to rise and be healed—a little bit older, a little bit stronger and a whole lot wiser. “But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.” Isaiah 40:31 This is not a choice I would have made for me or my family. My hopes and dreams were set in stone and there were simply no alternative plans available. I wanted to live out my life with the man I had loved for 21 years and enjoy our children and grandchildren and do everything that people do during their retirement years and old age. It was a simple plan, I thought. Looking back, I guess I held on out of desperation to yesterday, even after I stopped loving him because I didn’t want to give up the plans I had set for my life. BROKEN DREAMS As children bring their broken toys, With tears for us to mend. I took my broken dreams to God because He was my friend. But instead of leaving Him in peace to work alone; I hung around and tried to help with ways that were my own. At last I snatched them back and cried, “How can you be so slow?” “My Child,” He said, “what can I do?” “You never did let go.” Teresa Connolly 1990 It’s over. He’s gone. Sometimes we have to part because of circumstances beyond our control. It seems we must suffer in order for another to be happy. As unfair as it seems, that is the risk we take when we fall in love. There are no guarantees that person will always love us, even if they make promises. Letting go is as hard as breaking something that is crystal because you never know when you will be able to pick up all of the pieces again. It seems the one who goes, doesn’t feel the pain of parting. It is they that stay behind that suffer because they are left with a love that was but is no longer. Questions are left unanswered, promises left unfulfilled, words left unspoken, love left unrequited. But life has to go on or stop and only you can make that choice, when, if, and how. In My Dreams Today we signed the papers and said goodbye; You decided another life you wanted to try. And though I cannot see you with my eyes, You still are in my dreams at night. So many things shared throughout the years, Happy times, sad times, those filled with tears; And even though you have chosen not to fight, You still are in my dreams at night. How I wish I could close my eyes without seeing your face, Or press a button from my mind to erase; But even though I try as hard as I might, You still are in my dreams at night. And when my life is over and I am laid to sleep, I know in my mind your picture I will keep. Underneath the soil, buried and sealed tight, You will still be in my dreams at night.
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Copyright © 2003 Carole P Graham |