From Tears To Hope (8) Do not allow loneliness and sorrow to consume my every waking moment. I don’t want to simply exist and endure each day, afraid of the others, Embrace me in your arms and give me sweet, sweet peace. Allow me to sleep one night without fear, dread and chains on my soul. Everything is drained and I feel so empty, so I curl up like a child, In the fetal position, for protection, from you O God. I feel so empty inside; but others within me abide, So take them away Lord, help me to love, live and just be again. Carole Graham 2002 Depression is an evil monster that tries to drown you in a deep, black, swirling hole. Especially, if you have known great happiness and now it seems as if that will never happen again. So instead of blessings, you count your tears; instead of remembering the happy times, you look ahead and see that nothing is ever going to bring you happiness again; instead of anticipating the future, you think of countless ways to end your suffering. At my worst point before I started seeking help, I would sit in my office wondering what I was going to do and what was going to happen to me. Concentration was almost impossible. I would find myself staring at my computer screen, wondering where time had gone. Everything seemed hopeless and so overwhelming and I was powerless to do anything about it except to continue a downward spiral into the seemingly never ending darkness that haunted me. My mind would search on fast forward for answers, thoughts bouncing off my feelings of sorrow, until the realization became clear in my mind…my life was over, my heart was torn apart, my tears were never ending, yes…I wanted to die. Then other thoughts would occur…how could I die, yet how could I go on? How could I leave them? Would I know I’ve hurt them? Would I know how they feel? Would I feel their sorrow and pain too? Sorrow for them, sorrow for me; those I love, those who love me. I was among the living dead, wanting only to extinguish my persistent heartbeat, that ceaseless breath that entered my body, the pain that never relented. Only I could decide if my will to survive was stronger than the torture I was going through. For the first time since my husband left, my decision to live was voluntary. I sought professional counseling, beginning to persevere through the thickest of fogs. You might ask how something like a divorce could cause a person such despair that they would want to take their own life. A “real” Christian, someone who believed in God and had faith, would never even think such thoughts, right? For me, it wasn’t just the divorce or one thing, but a series of things beginning with the shock of my husband’s affair that made my life feel so out of control. My depression had already reached extreme proportions before I sought professional help. Seeking help meant I didn’t trust God to answer prayer in my mind…or did it? In reality, it didn’t negate the fact that I was trusting God at all. In contrast, I was simply using all that He had made available to me to be whole again. The darkness was so black; no light could penetrate my soul, There was no way I could ever again be put together and made whole. Hurt, pain, doubts, fear, disappointment, slapped daily at my face. My days were filled with endless time I only wanted to erase. Waves lapped at the shore, like the ocean wearing me thin. Constantly pounding me with problems, rushing, crashing in. Fiercely at my heart and fiercely at my head, They finally convinced me I would be better off dead. I was caught in the undertow, being carried out to sea, No one seemed to be able to reach me or to hear my plea. The water was cold and dark, and my body was becoming numb. To the call of surrender, under a spell, I was about to succumb. Suddenly, a hand reached out, a dream remembered long ago, When I played and frolicked with my daddy in the water to and fro. He smiled at me and said “you’re strong enough to make it to the shore. Don’t give up; remember my own battle years before.” With those simple words, I was reminded, of a lesson long ago taught. By my daddy, that my life was precious, because it was bought, By a God who loved me enough to sacrifice His son, So that I would realize one day my battle had already been won. Carole P. Graham 2003 Most everyone in their life time at some point has a day or days when they feel as if they can’t go on. But for most, that is a fleeting thought. To a depressed person, it is a constant. I remembered it all—laughter, how happy I had been, his arms around me, the feeling of being loved and in love. Then came the memories of him leaving, deserting me, forsaking me, and forevermore transforming me into a pitiful pile of helplessness. There is a story about a King who offered a prize to anyone who could paint him a picture of peace. Many artists tried but the King finally realized it was down to two pictures and he had to decide which one was best. One was of a calm lake. The lake perfectly mirrored the mountains and the blue sky overhead was filled with fluffy, white clouds. All who saw this thought it was a perfect picture of peace. The other picture had mountains too but these were rugged and bare. Above it was an angry sky from which rain fell and lightening danced. Down the side of a mountain tumbled a foaming waterfall. This did not look peaceful at all. But when the King looked closer, he saw behind the waterfall a tiny bush growing in the crack in the rock. In the bush a mother bird had built her nest and there in the midst of all this chaos sat the mother bird on her nest. The King chose this picture as the winner because he said, “Peace does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble, or hard work. Peace is for you to be in the middle of all this and still be calm in your heart.” I remember wondering could I ever be happy and know peace again. And each time the answer in my own mind was “no”. I was locked so deep inside of my despair that I couldn’t imagine being able to come out into the light again and be happy. The past had never happened, the future would never come and the present simply was not real. The birds sang for everyone else, the sun rose each day for others happiness. I lived in a prison and wouldn’t allow my heart ever again to reach out for that happiness. So I lived in solitary confinement, afraid to let myself feel again. Beauty I can find beauty in: A flower dripping with the morning dew; In the eyes of my three puppies as they show their love unconditionally; In the taste of my mama’s sweet potato soufflé; In the hearts of my son and daughter; In the rising of the moon over the ocean; In the refreshing rain, dripping off the eaves onto the grass; In the peacefulness of my swing watching the sun come up; In the steps of my daughter dancing her soul; In the sound of my brother’s laughter; In the smell of fresh cut grass; In the words to my favorite song; In the chirping of the crickets as night falls; In a newborn baby’s sounds; In the chatter of children playing; In the colors of the rainbow after a storm; In the love of my grandmother’s arms; In the strength of my sisters; In the caring of my friends; In the feel of my favorite shirt; So, why can’t I find it in me? Carole P. Graham 2003 There will come a time, if you will allow it, when you will finally “get it”. Somewhere, in the midst of all of your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks and a voice inside your head says “enough”! Enough fighting, crying, struggling to hang on. And like a child calming down after a tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice and blink back your tears and begin to look around you. You realize that it’s time to stop hoping and waiting for a white horse to come galloping up with a white knight armed with happiness, security, love and safety. You come to terms that he was not Prince Charming and you are not Cinderella and that there aren’t always fairy tale endings. Any guarantee of “happily ever after” must begin with you. In the process a sense of serenity and peace is born. You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who you are and its okay. You stop blaming others for things they did to you or didn’t do for you. You learn not everyone will always be there for you and it’s not always about you. So, you learn to stand on your own and begin to take care of yourself and in the process a sense of safety and security is born in this knowledge. You stop judging and pointing fingers and begin to try to accept people as they are, as you want to be accepted. To overlook their shortcomings and flaws and peace and contentment is born through this forgiveness, of yourself and others. You begin to realize that much of the way you view yourself and others is a result of all of the messages and opinions that have been taught to you growing up. And you start to sift through all of the crap you’ve been fed about how you should behave, how you should look, how much you should weigh, what you should wear, where you should shop, what you should drive, where you should live, what you should do for a living, who you should marry, and all of the other stuff that you are dealt to shuffle through in life. In doing so, you begin to reassess who you are and where you are headed in life. You begin to redefine who you are and discover things about yourself you never knew, things you like and dislike, and what you really stand for. You learn the importance of setting boundaries and saying “no”. You learn the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and martyrs get burned at the stake. Then you begin to learn about love…true love. Romantic love and your family and friend’s love. How to love, how much love to give, and to not expect anything from anyone but yourself. You learn you won’t be more beautiful, intelligent, loveable or important because of “the other person” in your life. You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not what you want them to be. You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. You learn that just as people grow and change, so it is with love. And you learn that “alone” does not make you lonely. You come to the realization that you deserve to be treated with love, kindness, sensitivity, and respect and to not settle for anything less. You learn that your body really is your temple and you begin to treat it with more respect. You begin eating a balanced diet, exercising, getting more rest. You learn fatigue diminishes your spirit and can create doubts and fears. And just as food fuels our bodies, laughter fuels our souls, so you take more time to laugh and play. You learn that for the most part in life, you get what you feel like you believe you deserve. Most importantly, you learn that in order to succeed, you need direction, discipline and perseverance. But most of all you learn it’s okay to ask for help because no one can do it all alone. You learn you must fight for your life and not live your life daily under a cloud of impending doom. Life isn’t always fair and you don’t always get what you think you deserve. Sometimes bad things happen and you don’t have to take everything personal. God isn’t punishing you or not answering your prayers. It’s just life happening. You learn to admit when you are wrong and build bridges instead of walls. Finally, with God by your side and courage in your heart, you take a deep breath and begin living again. Happiness can be yours again if you will only allow it to filter through all of the chaos somehow. Through the passing of time and through your own spirit and endeavors, you will be able to see the sun again. Happiness is an inside thing, not an outside thing, though. This will over simplify it if you try to handle it in this way. Daily trials and tribulations can leak all over us and make us miserable sometimes. Still, one day, you will look up and see that all the people, places and circumstances that have seemingly beaten you down in life fall away and you can see clearly for the first time in a long, long time. In seeing yourself clearly, you will realize your own inner strength. You might even feel like you’re looking through a window and might not even recognize that it is you. And then suddenly, maybe for a moment, you will recognize it’s you and it will make you happy. And before you realize it, that happiness will grow, little by little, as you realize that you can make it, you did make it and you are going to make it by the grace of God. Our happiness is not a present someone else holds in his or her hands to give to us. If we reach out and try to force someone to give us what we believe they hold, we will be disappointed; discover that it is an illusion. That person didn’t hold it and they never shall. That beautifully wrapped box with ribbon on it that we believed contained our happiness is an illusion. When we are trying to reach out and force someone to stop our pain and create joy, if we can find the courage to stop and stand still and deal with our issues, then, we can find our happiness. Healing will come when we are aware of how we attempt to use others to stop our pain and create our happiness. We will start the healing process from the past and receive insights that can change the course of our future relationships. We can see that all along, our happiness has been in our hands and we have held the box. What’s inside is ours, if we will only open it and enjoy the benefits of creating our own happiness. Yes, it seems like every time I appeared on the road to recovery, another roadblock would stop me dead in my tracks. Last year I was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder and had to begin taking another drug for this problem. For people that have gone through long periods of depression, this is sometimes a side effect that occurs over the years. Again, here was a whole new illness I had to learn about, learn to cope with and take medication for. But now I began to understand why I would go days without sleep, could not concentrate on anything, appeared to be on “fast forward”, my mind racing ahead of what I was trying to say. It all made sense but it didn’t make it any easier to discover yet another flaw in me as a person. I did as I had done for the last few years and took it personally until I finally realized that on the medication, I could think clearer and sleep better and actually function as part of the living again. I must say right here that there are a lot of new advertisements on television, radio and the internet regarding a “chemical free” or “natural” treatment for “migraines, menopause, mood swings, depression, bi-polarism, and other mental problems we deal with in our lives. Please, I beg you, never try to treat yourself. If you have a problem, you need to be properly diagnosed by a trained professional and prescribed the correct medication. In my case, my meds had to be changed several times to get the right combinations for my body and brain chemistry. These companies are simply trying to sell you something that will do you absolutely no good if you truly have a mental disorder. Plus, think about it…would one medication treat all of these different disorders? Just get a true diagnosis and let your doctor tell you where to go from there in order to begin to heal mentally, physically and emotionally. Now that you’ve worked through all of this and figured out the problems, you are probably wondering where do you go from here? What can you do in the silence after the storm? It’s quiet, too quiet and you just want to wait until things get “back to normal” before you decide what to do. Normal? Lord, help! Nothing is ever going to be “normal” again. So accept that fact and look for the answer to the question. The answer is really simple…”Be still and know that I am God”. Remain silent. When that nosy person comes around and pats you on the shoulder and looks sadly into your eyes and asks painfully how you are doing; when that well meaning “friend” keeps bringing up the fact that they can’t believe what he did; when that family member says they won’t ever forgive him…keep quiet. This is a time for God to speak to you and direct your path. You may ask, “Does God still answer prayer?” I can assure you he hears and answers every petition we put before Him. There is something important we need to understand, though. God is NOT Santa Claus. He doesn’t give us what we want, but what we need. Sometimes what we want is what we need. Sometimes what we need can wait. Oft times we feel like these needs and wants can’t wait and we get impatient with the Lord for not answering quicker. The Lord answers prayer according to His will, not ours. The next time you feel He hasn’t answered your prayer, ask yourself are you being impatient? Are you asking for the right reason? Are you asking in Jesus name? Or are you just accepting what He has done and hoping he’ll change His mind? If you enter prayer with expectations for yourself, selfishly and with pride, then you enter prayer as though it was merely a wish and you “offer” prayer because of what you can get out of it. WAIT Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried: Quietly, patiently, lovingly God replied. I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate, and the Master so gently said, “Child, you must wait”. “Wait? You say, wait!,” my indignant reply. “Lord, I need answers, I need to know why! Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard? By Faith, I have asked, and am claiming your Word. My future and all to which I can relate, hangs in the balance, and YOU tell me to WAIT? I’m needing a ‘yes’, a go-ahead sign, or even a ‘no’ to which I can resign. And Lord, You promised that if we believe we need but to ask, and we shall receive. Lord, I’ve been asking, and this is my cry: I’m weary of asking! I need a reply!” Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate, As my Master replied once again, “You must wait.” So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut, and grumbled to God, “So, I’m waiting...for what?” He seemed, then, to kneel, and His eyes wept with mine, and He tenderly said, “I could give you a sign. I could shake the heavens, and darken the sun. I could raise the dead, and cause mountains to run. All you seek I could give, and pleased you would be. You would have what you want - But, you wouldn’t know Me.” “You’d not know the depth of My love for each saint; You’d not know the power that I give to the faint; You’d not learn to see through the clouds of despair; You’d not learn to trust just by knowing I’m there; You’d not know the joy of resting in Me When darkness and silence were all you could see.” “You’d never experience that fullness of love as the peace of My Spirit descends like a dove; You’d know that I give and I save...(for a start),
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Copyright © 2003 Carole P Graham |