From Tears To Hope (6) To keep me looked in Keep my darkness within So no one can rescue or save me from myself. Carole P. Graham 2002 Sometimes, I would not sleep for days on end, simply because I knew if I went to sleep, the dreams would start over again, the nightmares, the ghosts from the past that haunted me in the middle of the night when there was no one there but me and I felt so all alone. For a long time, I felt as if I slept, the door to hell would be opened and I would simply fall in and vanish forever. The pain was so great that the very simple act of breathing in and out came with such a force that it felt as if an elephant were sitting on my chest and I was paralyzed, unable to move. I felt as though I was drowning in a flood of memories that played over and over again in my mind, more so when I was asleep, therefore, I avoided sleep at all costs. Slowly, my therapist and counselor encouraged me to let go of those memories, one at a time and it would seem that when I did, they would be followed by ten more. A certain smell, a taste, a voice that sounded familiar, a familiar place…all of these things haunted my very soul and would instantly bring back memories to torture me. My greatest fear was that I was losing my mind but still trying to act “normal” for my family. Looking back, the reality was that I was not losing it, I was finding it…marching right down main street in the middle of the parade of pain that I had made a monument to. “I’ve been driven many times to my knees by the overwhelming conviction That I had nowhere else to go. Abraham Lincoln It is very important for me to mention here that once again God was in total control even when I tried to control the situation myself. He put a wonderful Christian therapist, a brilliant Christian psychiatrist and a loving, spiritual counselor in my life. Now you cannot tell me that this was all a coincidence. With their help to get me through the depression and anorexia that I had developed because of my low self esteem due to the fact that I no longer felt “desirable” or “pretty”, the love and support of a close family and circle of friends, slowly (I’m sure they will all tell you!) I began to see that there was a light at the end of the tunnel. It was dim, but it was definitely getting brighter. But most important—it was there. Reach out to me, a child again, lost, frightened, And alone with few answers for comfort. Stay With me until I fall asleep and be here if I awake Scared. Let me be a child tonight, Lord. Tomorrow I’ll be big and strong and all grown up, but For now, find me, hold me. Carole P. Graham 2002 It takes great courage to reach out from the darkness and touch the hem of His garment and ask for healing. It takes energy we don’t feel like we have sometimes, it takes a struggle within our own minds to muster up the strength to tell our hands what to do and it takes a tremendous amount of faith to know that when we do reach out, His garment will be there. But oh the joy of knowing that in any direction we reach out, God is already there and we can simply touch the hem of his garment. So, just when you’re ready to give up, remember, there is no darkness black enough to hide the Lord. It shines through doctors, therapists, counselors, caregivers, family, and friends. Even animals! Some of the most comforting moments during this period of darkness came from my three dogs—Hammer, a Chihuahua, Pepper, a Yorkie, and Tay Tay, a miniature dapple dachshund. They will be with you any time, day or night, and listen to all of your fears, hurts and pains patiently…and still love you and you can tell them the same stories all over again tomorrow and they don’t even mind! You can be absolutely sure that God is the sender of all of these lights, even three puppies. A wonderful friend shared this story with me: The Road of Life At first, I saw God as my observer, my judge, keeping track of the things I did wrong, so as to know whether I merited heaven or hell when I die. He was out there sort of like a president. I recognized His picture when I saw it, but I really didn't know Him. But later on when I met Christ, it seemed as though life were rather like a bike ride, but it was a tandem bike, and I noticed that Christ was in the back helping me pedal. I don't know just when it was that He suggested we change places, but life has not been the same since. When I had control, I knew the way. It was rather boring, but predictable it was the shortest distance between two points. But when He took the lead, He knew delightful long cuts, up mountains, and through rocky places at breakneck speeds. It was all I could do to hang on! Even though it looked like madness, He said, "Pedal!" I worried and was anxious and asked, "Where are you taking me?" He laughed and didn't answer, and I started to learn to trust. I forgot my boring life and entered into the adventure, and when I'd say, "I'm scared," He'd lean back and touch my hand. I gained love, peace, acceptance and joy; a gift to take on my journey, My Lord’s and mine. And we were off again. He said, "Give the gifts away. They're extra baggage, too much weight." So I did, to the people we met, and I found that in giving I received, and still our burden was light. I did not trust Him, at first, in control of my life. I thought He'd wreck it; but he knows bike secrets, knows how to make it bend to take sharp corners, knows how to jump to clear high rocks, knows how to fly to shorten, scary passages. And I am learning to shut up and pedal in the strangest places, and I'm beginning to enjoy the view and the cool breeze on my face with my delightful constant companion, Jesus Christ. And when I'm sure I just can't do it anymore, He just smiles and says... "Pedal." Faith is a gift. It is the ability to believe in what you cannot prove, to imagine and to dream in a purpose that you cannot see, and the foresight to know that what you cannot visualize with your eyes is real. Out of faith, comes hope. Hope is your only way out of depression and despair. From hope comes your will to try to fulfill your dreams and have a future. Love, is your gift of thankfulness to God and to yourself for a new desire and willingness to share of yourself without deceit. Faith, hope and love; they were all gifts to you and now it is your turn to give them to someone else who needs them. Use them often and you will find your own flame of revenge and bitterness diminishing with time. Where Am I Sliding, slipping, and falling, down hill… There is nothing to grab onto but still, I try not to let go of all of me… But of me, less and less I see. I’m fading away and I’m becoming less visible. To think of my life makes me oh so miserable. How can I fight when strength is not there? And I don’t even have feelings or care. I have no power anymore over my life. Each day seems like never ending strife. Sometimes I think maybe I will make it. Those are the times when I have to fake it. I have to try, for others, it seems, They are the ones with all of the dreams. For me, that world has been shattered and lost, And there is no way I could ever pay the cost. Mentally, physically, emotionally drained, I guess this is the part I go insane. Where did I lose me, when everything fell? Into my own, private, daily living hell… Carole Graham 2002 Also, you need to remember during this time, that you are not the only one in pain. Look around…try not to focus on you and your pain for five minutes…see who else is hurting. Looking back, I ask myself, how did my family endure? How did they face each day not knowing if I would make it that day, not out of a terminal illness, but a mental illness? Only with the help of a saintly mother, a love for me that knew no boundaries and their faith in a God that had seen their great-grandparents, grandparents and parents through, were they able to cope with my seemingly unending cycle of grief and pain. When my divorce was finally coming down to the wire, my lawyer, my brother and my sister-in-law and I sat in a conference room one day going over his testimony. Until that moment, I never realized what they, my family, had all been through for the last two and one half years. To watch someone you know slowly die willingly, not caring for themselves and too overcome with grief to be able to know that you love them is just about more than you can bear yourself. I listened as my brother cried and told of how he had lain awake at night, for months afraid, that the phone would ring and that it would be someone telling him I was dead…and that he hadn’t been able to do anything to save me. Of the decision he and my sisters and mother had to make regarding giving me ECT’s (electronic convulsive therapy), knowing that while it would affect my short term memory and hopefully save my life, there was a chance it would affect my total memory or even worse, I wouldn’t be able to remember any of them or anything for the rest of my life; I could have even been in a vegetative state. “Suicide is not chosen; it happens when pain exceeds resources for coping with pain.” In your own private pain, you cannot see that you are hurting others. Thinking back, I now realize how hurtful it must have been to my children and family for them to think they were not reason enough for me to want to live. My one reason for living was gone, I thought, and that was all I could see or wanted anyone else to see. I know now that they knew I was not thinking clearly, but I still believe to this day that it had to hurt them very much and for this, more than anything else during this time, I am very sorry and regretful with all my heart. Thoughts Sometimes, on the outside, I look fine, I seem fine, I feel pretty good. But on the inside, when I’m all alone, My thoughts become dark and heavy. Words cannot express the excruciating pain I feel. Somehow, I ignore it, for a while. A few hours, all day, several days… Hoping against hope the feeling will go away. I hide my sorrow, I push the anguish beneath the surface. I press on, trying to cover it all so no one will see. I don’t want to live any more, but tell no one. No one knows how I feel… Carole P. Graham 2002 Sometimes the road of life seems to become unbearable. Grief has its own timetable and that timetable is different for everyone. It has no rules, no rhyme or reason. It might seem easier to give up than to go on. But we all have to remember, this too shall pass. Whatever is going on in our lives is not going to last forever. There will be a better day, even when we feel like we’re hanging by a thread. Remember, faith empowers us to leap across the chasms in life and have the confidence you will make it to the other side…and to believe that the other side actually exists. Things pass quickly by, even though I’m moving faster. I’m not a part of this life, I’m in another world. My life is a disaster, I long for the hereafter, Nothing makes sense anymore. My life is so twisted; I’m in a different place. But who knows where that is? I look for a trace, running a race, Against the demons inside that hiss. My soul is vacant, my heart is empty. I’m sick of pretending I’m okay. Why can’t they see me, why can’t I breathe? I have to make the hurt go away. But how without hurting them too? My mind races over the choices I can make. What can I do, I’m coming unglued, As I open the bottle, my hands shake. I want to want to live, but how can I? Daily, the pain seems to grow. Inside I am dying, without even trying, So who would care if I go? Carole P. Graham 2002 That’s all it’s about. You are not a bad person or crazy or weak or flawed because you feel suicidal. It doesn’t mean that you even really want to die. It only means that you have more pain than you can cope with right now. If I were to start piling weights upon your shoulders, you would eventually collapse if I kept adding enough, no matter how much you tried to remain standing. Willpower has nothing to do with it. Of course, you would cheer yourself up if you could. You would “snap” out of it as I was told by so many “experts” in the field…after all, people get divorced every day and they don’t fall into this deep, dark pit that they seemingly can’t get out of. So why can’t you just pull yourself up by the bootstraps and start all over again? This is where you look after yourself…by staying in touch with your doctor, counselors and therapists. They can tell you the best way for you, not the so called experts who have gone through “several” divorces and life altering experiences. Each person is different and unique. That’s the way God made us and that’s the way He will eventually bring us out of the storm. Faith in God’s love frees me to be the real me, for I remember that God sees me as I am and loves me anyway, with all my faults. For every tear you shed, there will be a smile. For every rainy day, there will be a rainbow. And for every moment of every day there will always be someone, your family, your friends, your God, that loves you and cares for you. So, remember…not only are you going through pain, your family and friends, even God, is in pain, watching you as you are hurting, feeling helpless to help you, unless you help yourself. I feel so unworthy, of my family’s love, So unworthy of my Father up above. So, I smile, put on the face they want to see, No one would want to know the real me. But when I’m alone, I go to my secret place, And when I open the door, the real me I must face. Who are you? And what are you doing in here? My face in the mirror, but my heart full of fear. Fear that the real me, someone might learn. Afraid to let them see, the things of which I yearn. Because even I don’t want to look inside, At the real me, who within my soul abides. “Take a look in the mirror and see what I see,
Go to part: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
Copyright © 2003 Carole P Graham |