Storymania - From Tears To Hope by Carole P Graham

From Tears To Hope (5)
Carole P Graham

Completely alone in the ominous forest,
Huge trees blocking all traces of light,
Swirling gusts of wind knock the air out of me
And I’m paralyzed with fright.
Blackness seeps through my body,
Poisoning my mind and soul.
Is there a light around the bend in the road,
Or just another deep, dark hole?
Which path to take, which sign to follow,
Should I try to find my way somehow?
Seems I’m more confused as I search for an answer
Where should I run and hide now?
There’s no outrunning the blackest of nights
When you are lost and all alone.
The scariest part is not knowing in your mind
If you will ever find your way home.

Carole P. Graham 2003

During this time in my life, I wrote some very frightening, dark poems and notes in my journal. Looking back over them, preparing to write this, it’s hard to believe it was me. That’s why I can tell you without reservation that pain, when it cuts so deep, can cause you to think and say things not only that you don’t remember but that you really don’t mean. Oh, at the time, you think you mean them. You rationalize the only escape from the pain and the reality of what has devastated your life is to never wake up again and face tomorrow. Sometimes, it seems as though there is someone else in control of your life and you are simply watching, like a video on television. During one of those times, I wrote the following:
My children, very much alike but then not,
Two personalities, but also with their dreams shot.
Who gave him the right to tear our family apart?
Not me, it was my twin of the dark.
She let him destroy and take total control
She let him take and mangle her soul.
But why, oh why, did she have to hurt my kids?
I should have stopped him before he did.
She let them think he was more important than them,
When I would try to get out, she would push me down again.
She laughed at me, ridiculed me and said,
“Save your children? You can’t even get out of bed!”
“Wouldn’t you just rather be dead?”
I listened to her, and not the cries of all of my loves ones,
Now it was me, hurting my family, daughter and son.
My head was barely above all of the water,
I desperately tried to think of my son and daughter
And pull myself up, maybe a little higher each time.
As I search for something to cling to and climb.
Hoping for the day she’s gone, to torture us no more,
As I gaze at the banks of that far away shore.

Carole Graham 2002

Does anyone or can anyone else relate to your pain when you are going through trials like this in your life? You bet your life. But much more importantly, the only one who can do something about your suffering is Himself well-acquainted with heartache. In fact, He was the first one to experience it. He was rejected by His own creations, created by Him, in His image, breathing life into them and lovingly molding and making them and finally, giving His life right down to His very last breath. Yet, they turned away from Him and rejected His love and sacrifice. Just as you and I experience heartbreak, Jesus was heartbroken and felt the same pain that we felt. You see, He has been through the storm and knows what it is to rise above it all and experience victory. Did you know that an eagle knows when a storm is approaching long before it breaks? The eagle will fly to some high spot and wait for the winds to come. When the storm hits, it sets its wings so that the wind will pick it up and lift it above the storm. While the storm rages below, the eagle is soaring above it. The eagle does not escape the storm; it simply uses the storm to lift it higher. It rises on the winds that bring the storm.’
Do you ever think of me?
At night when you close your eyes against the darkness.
What scenes run through your mind as you think
Of years past, when we were together,
Living a lie, I suppose.
What thoughts do you have of twenty years gone by?
Does it ever bring a slight tear to your eye?
Or do you laugh at the fool I was believing in us.
I lie awake often and try to make sense of it all.
I guess I have to believe at some point you did care.
Maybe in the beginning, before you became scared.
Of growing old with me.
I tried to be the best wife and mother.
I loved you with all that was in me and more.
I never doubted your love for a moment and tried to show you mine.
But somehow, I fell short…
The happiness I felt was real if yours was not.
And now I have to live with the hand I have been dealt.
To you, I guess your happiness was most important.
Without warning, after a day of love and tenderness
You deserted us.
You gave up on you and me.

Carole P. Graham 2002

Will the pain ever end? Yes, I can honestly say that it will. You ask me how and when? This is a question that I asked my dear friends Nancy and Gary in group meetings on Monday nights many times. Just tell me how to fix it. For everyone, the time is different. Only you can decide when enough is enough. The fact is, only you and God can fix it; you by being open to God’s will and God, because He is God and He is the only one that truly loves us and cares for us when everything else in our lives vanishes before our very eyes. Suffering breaks our world apart like a tree that has been struck by lightening—splintered, shaken, lifeless—our world is blown apart and we will never be the same again. All I can say is it takes time, and that time is different for each and every one of us. It depends on how deep the wounds are and your determination to take the steps needed to become whole again.
An obstacle we frequently encounter is the desire for everything to be the same as it was before. I remember saying many times, to family, friends and doctors, “I just want my life and family back”. This is impossible. Life as you knew it has been forever changed. You have been forever transformed. It is a byproduct of being alive. And in order to be alive, you have to live. People can usually come to grips with a loss when they realize they can live again, that they can concentrate their energies on their lives as a whole and not on their hurt, guilt and pain.
Life and living come with a lot of false ideas. You see, life isn’t about what we have or don’t have; or how beautiful or ugly you are; or how much money you have or don’t have; or about what kind of car you drive or size of the engine or color of the exterior. But it is about who you love and who you hurt; keeping or betraying a trust; it’s about what you say and mean, helpful or hurtful; it’s about judgments you pass and who you spread them to and why; it’s about jealousy, fear, ignorance and revenge; it’s about carrying inner hate or love and letting it grow and spreading it; but most of all it’s about using your life to touch or poison other people’s hearts that could never have occurred alone, without your influence in their lives. We depend on others a lot for our happiness and assurance when we need to look within ourselves and see whether we are doing anything deliberately to make someone else unhappy or doing something to make them deliberately happy.

Shattered Like Glass

Sometimes I think of shattered glass, jagged pieces tumbling in the air.
All seems lost, but then a rainbow of light catches my eye.
Sunlight bounces from the multi-faceted edges of my life.
Sunlight reflecting off of what was and becoming something new.
It’s lessons learned from my friends and loved ones,
Telling me to make this into something good and whole again.
So as the pieces tumble in slow motion around me,
I watch as they twist and turn and change what was into what is.
I don’t miss what was any less;
But it gives me hope that out of the broken pieces of my life,
Will come a sparkle of color.
Hope for a better tomorrow; hope to find the strength to fight.
Hope that I can pull away from the darkness,
Into the light where I can shine and reflect the sun,
Creating a kaleidoscope of colors in honor of being alive.

Carole Graham 2003

While our happiness cannot depend on others, it has to come from within ourselves, other people can and do influence our happiness daily by the actions they take within our lives. And we also bear this responsibility at the end of each day. “Did I do something today to make someone feel positive or negative about themselves”, is a daily question we need to ask ourselves. The following has always been my favorite bible verse. It is my prayer daily as I fight to live a life that is pleasing to God and to find it within myself to renew daily that which is good and positive in my life.
“Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me.”
Psalm 51:10
Thomas came to Jesus with doubts. Did He turn him away? Moses began to wonder about God’s plan for the Israelites. Did God tell him to go home? Job had struggles and many afflictions along with questions. Did God abandon him? The answer to all of these questions is “no”. God never turns away a sincere heart and tough questions do not stump Him. In fact, He invites our probing. God never has and never will turn down an honest seeker. Go to Him with your questions. You may not find all of the answers, but in finding Him, you know the One who has all of the answers, so it won’t matter any more. As our faith increases, so does our doubt decrease.
The winds of a broken heart blow from many different directions. The cold gusts chill our souls to the bone – rejection, betrayal, violation, deceit, loss – it doesn’t matter which the direction it comes from, just like a hurricane or violent storm, the effects can change our entire life. There is a hole in the place where your heart used to be and nothing can ever again fill it. Every time the winds blow, it seems as though it renews the pain as it blows right through the gigantic crevice created intentionally by someone you knew and trusted with this most important part of your being.
Did you know the heart is one of the most important organs in your entire body? It is actually a pump, composed of muscles, that pumps blood throughout the body, beating about 72 times per minute. If the heart ever ceases to pump, our body begins to shut down and after a very short period will die. Sometimes that’s the way we feel inside—dead—like our heart is no longer working and will never work again. And a lot of times we don’t ever want it to work again. We don’t want to take the risk of having a heart transplant, caring for someone, and the same thing happening again; we simply could not bear it.

“Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up.” Psalm 71:20
“Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.” Psalm 42:11
“For men are not cast off by the Lord forever. Though He brings grief, He will show compassion, so great is His unfailing love. For He does not willingly bring affliction or grief to the children of men.” Lamentations 3:31-33

On our journey through life, we will be faced with many obstacles and difficult times when we least expect it. Lives change, dreams and plans made collapse; people we love leave us without warning. Sometimes our path that seems etched in stone takes a turn we never dreamed of or disappears into thin air. We search for answers, struggle to find out why this is happening, feel lost, our emotions completely turned upside down…but we must always remember we are never alone because God is with us through it all if we have faith. Faith is like the wind. We hear its presence, see its power, feel its effect on the world around us. We cannot see it, but we know it is there. Faith flows as we stop depending on what we think, what we feel, what we see and instead embrace these facts: God loves me. He will never leave me. He wants only the best for me.

The Dusty Mirror

One solitary tear runs freely down my cheek, escaping from the prison of my eye.
I lay in misery on the floor, what am I here for?
There’s nothing more I can do or say; I don’t want to live another day.
A different life, I cannot bear to think about without him.
I gaze into the mirror at the empty face that once smiled with joy, now grim.
My eyes are open, my chest moves in and out as I struggle to breathe.
She stares back at me, through the tarnished and dusty glass, I see.
A reflection of someone unknown and dead inside.
If only I could reach out and ease her pain and try.
But it’s too late…the mirror shows no reflection of me ever being alive.
As particles of dust from around her fly.

Carole P. Graham 2003
So, your heart has been broken, your life has been altered, your world as you know it has come to an end. There is hope for you like there was and still is hope for me. Healing awaits you and it is well within your reach depending on what choices you make. We must be willing to make the choice to look deep within ourselves and reveal the truth…our anger, our hurt, our pain…get it all out and deal with it.
Perhaps you think it hurts too much to take those scars out and look at them and examine them. Perhaps you are questioning your judgment, your own sexuality and desirability, your identity and your ability to find true happiness. Or maybe you have simply set up a “memorial” to your suffering, wearing your pain as a badge of honor so others can be impressed with your endurance or to build a wall around you to protect yourself from further hurt and pain. Taking the risk of letting that wall fall down would open up the door and opportunity for more pain and nothing is worth that again.

Black is the color of death
It creeps through my veins like blood
Flowing through my very soul
Taking total control
Until there is no color left to see.
The darkness overwhelms my life
I can’t breathe as it stifles me
I scream but no one hears
I realize these are my worst fears
But the words won’t come to set me free
I look around for an escape
I realize the doors are made of steel

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