From Tears To Hope (4) only to be thrown out on an unknown beach, bruised, reshaped... Grief will make a new person out of you, if it doesn't kill you in the making. Stephanie Ericsson When our heart is involved, we sometimes become so bogged down in the grief and pain of it all that it’s hard to even talk to God about it. Why? One reason is because we are angry with Him. Angry? With God? But it’s true. We blame God for “allowing” this to happen, for not stopping it, for not doing anything about it to intervene. So, naturally, as humans, what do we do when we are angry with someone? We don’t talk to them. We aren’t hurting them, we are hurting ourselves and the same goes with God. By not seeking His face, his will, his solution, we are simply prolonging our suffering. We all have heartaches, bad experiences and grief in our lives. But so does everyone else. If you dwell on the darker side of life, you will never feel the sunlight on your face. Clear out the cobwebs and focus on the future and you will be amazed at the extraordinary light that shines into your life. Leave all of the shadows of yesterday behind you and move on into a brighter, happier today. Experience the joy God wants us to feel, even when we are going through these bad times and feelings in our lives. This is a hard thing to do. Sometimes we try to fake it and pretend everything is alright. What we don’t understand is that we have to get through certain stages to be able to try again to be happy. Simply “willing” ourselves to do it will not make it happen. But working through the grief and healing processes will gradually help us to look back where we came from and how far we have been. Then we can work on happiness and looking forward instead of backward. As darkness falls, the pain grows larger, heavier, like a stone. Night is the time I dread so terribly of being alone. There is no relief, unless sleep comes, until the dawn, So I enter my bed with heavy curtains drawn. Visions, twisted torturing of past hurts and pains, Physically, mentally, gnawing at my brain. They knock ever so gently on the window pane And make me wonder if I am going insane? My mind pleads with God to help me hold tight, To the grip I have, slowly envisioning some light. ‘Til the morning breaks and in my window, just in sight, I can see the sunrise and believe it could be alright. Carole P. Graham 2003 Do you know what? God understands these feelings. He knew us before we even knew ourselves. He knew we would allow ourselves as humans to become so emotionally involved at times and not know how to pray. That’s why when he went away, he sent the comforter to us, in other words the Holy Spirit. “And He who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God’s will.” Romans 8:27. Isn’t it wonderful that we have a God that loves us so much? He looked down the road, through time and saw exactly what we would need and supplied it before we ever even knew it. He’s there, even when you can’t feel Him; He is with you, suffering, hurting, crying, feeling your pain, feeling every teardrop, feeling each heartbreak. “Dreams” With one single moment in time, my world appeared on the verge of falling apart. Who was this person standing there, telling me lies, forever altering my heart? It was the man I married, it wasn’t the man I still loved… So who sent him to tear the temple veil with strength as if from above? Not my God, He would never allow this violation of the sacred vow of trust… So it was a dream, sent from Satan, sent to torture and help me to concentrate on lust. Sex, lies, anything he knew to throw towards my faith, Satan used to scatter, my strength, my love, my world began to shake. Years of trust, walls of security, doors of sanity, love of my life as I had known for more than 20 years, All disappearing before my eyes as they got fuller and fuller of tears. No emotion, I guess, was one of the hardest changes to overcome, Not just for me, but his daughter and his son. No words could resolve, no emotion could explain, The who, what, when, where questions we were left to try to figure from the pain. Only, God still is in control, even when we don’t like the way He answers prayer, I’m glad He knows tomorrow, therefore, no worries for me there. For someday, His plans will be made known to me and all of mine, And we won’t even care, the what, nor where, or why. Carole Graham 2002 We need to be reminded occasionally that God is still in control. We need to hear that life’s problems, heartaches and pains are not a reason to bail out. They are the extra encouragement we should seek to sit tight. Corrie ten Boom said, “When the train goes through a tunnel and world gets dark, do you jump out? Of course not. You sit still and trust the engineer to get you through.”… So the next time you’re going through a trial in your life, don’t panic, don’t jump out, don’t give up. Be patient and allow God to remind you He’s still in control. Everyday, I get a thought for the day in my email called “Mountain Wings Moment”. There is one I recall regarding a small child, about two years old, learning to walk. If you’ve had children, you know that they start out full speed, running, not walking. Nothing hurts worse as a parent than watching your child run, scrape his knee or elbow, crying in pain and you having to try to soothe his hurt and pain but being unable to. So many areas of our life require us to run; some by choice, some by circumstance. There are so many times when our steps are unsure and we are not experienced runners. This particular story talks about how the older we get, the more we realize how a Divine Father can allow us to go through some things and fall. You are tempted as a parent to stop your children when you see them running. You know that sooner or later, if not that day, someday, they are going to fall. You also know that if he is ever going to learn to run, he must fall, and often you would have to watch. We often fall when learning things in life. I fell learning to ride a bike, to rollerskate, I even choked a few times trying to learn how to swim. We often fall when learning to do new things in life. Too often, bruises stop us from ever trying again. We are afraid that we will slip and get hurt, afraid of the pain again. If you can get through the first few months, your child will run much better. He will have one of the key elements of life. He won’t stop running just because he fell. Just like you still watch over your child, your heavenly Father still watches over you. Your bruises will heal, you will get up, and the path will still be there. The Lord will still be there; He just knows that He has to let you fall if you are ever to learn to run. Remember, when we hurt, God hurts. When no one else listens, He listens. He wipes away tears of frustration with His mighty Hand and nothing that happens to us surprises Him. He is our Light, our Savior and our Protector. He is and forever more will be the only answer to the end of our ultimate suffering. Then, sometimes, there is another reason why we can’t pray. We simply cannot. Our grief, our sorrow, our pain, has caused us to fall under a stifling dark, wet blanket that we can’t seem to fight our way out of. We keep sinking lower and lower under the burden and it feels as if it will never lift and we will never see the light of day again. It can be utterly devastating, as it was in my case. In my mind, I simply could not live without my husband; I didn’t want to, I had no reason to, nothing ever in life again to look forward to. Tormented Nights My nightmares tell the story, as distorted memories tumble through my dreams. They call for me at night, when the world sleeps, I am alone. Darkness returns to torment me, calling to me from the past. But this is now, the ending I asked for, my name written in blood on the floor. Death whispers my name, calling to me, telling me the pain will stop, If I simply open the window and allow it to come in. I feel my strength leaving me, abandoning me as my love did. I cannot fight it any more, this daily mask of pretending to live. So I open the window and trade love for death as the music stops. Gradually the pain starts to subside, the light seems dimmer. Demons dance around me and drink the tears from my loneliness. They wait to claim my soul, but they don’t realize it’s already gone. He took it, when he reached inside of my body and crushed my heart. I look down and watch as I wait for sweet release. I have given her what she wanted, total control of my mind and body. No one will ever know I’m not there any more. Carole Graham 2002 Everything was gone, our life together, our plans, our marriage, our family. Finding the energy to breathe was simply too much of a task. Finding the will to eat was simply not worth the battle. Brushing my teeth and combing my hair were daily rituals that I had to be reminded to do. I was dying, literally, starving myself to death. The depth of these emotions is difficult for someone who has never gone through them to comprehend. Grief comes in unexpected surges… Mysterious cues that set off a reminder of grief. It comes crashing like a wave, sweeping me in its crest, Twisting me inside out, Then recedes, leaving me broken. Oh, Mama, I don’t want to eat, to walk to get out of bed. Reading, working, cooking, listening, mothering… Nothing matters. I do not want to be distracted from my grief. I wouldn’t mind dying. I wouldn’t mind at all. Toby Talbert Finally down to 97 pounds, I agreed to enter the hospital for a “few” days. After counseling, medication and daily visits from my psychiatrist, I was told I needed to stay a few more days. But my mind could not fathom that…all I could think of was that I needed my job and I needed to get back to work as soon as possible. I didn’t want anyone to know. I mean after all, they would say I was crazy. There was nothing wrong with me…the people up on the sixth floor of the hospital where I was staying were the crazy ones. I was fine. I just needed to get home and get back to work. During this hospital stay and even before, I was put on medication after medication that simply would not work. I felt as if I was being pulled down into this deep, dark pit and I was holding on for dear life, but my grip gradually was slipping. I kept sliding, slowly at first and then faster and faster until I don’t even remember when I entered the hospital the second time. All I remember thinking was that I was never going home again. They were going to keep me forever. I resigned myself to the fact that this is where I would spend the rest of my life and withdrew even deeper into myself. I barely spoke, I slept all day, I constantly thought about ways to kill myself or dreamed of never waking up, and hoping I would go to sleep and never wake up again, so that it would all be over and the pain would go away. I Cry You live deep inside of the part of me the world does not, cannot know. I’m lost and I scream but to the others it seems, it does not show. I want to be in your arms again, for you to kiss my tears and to dry, The ever flowing fountain of them but you aren’t there, so I cry. I know I can make you love me again, if you will only stay with me. I know I can make you believe in us again and then I can make you see. I would walk through the fire and rain to have you and to hear your deep sigh, I search for reasons to beg you to stay, not to go, but you do, so again I cry. My soul is there for you to steal, take it and make me happy again. My life is nothing without you in it, so I’m waiting for you to help it begin. I feel as if nothing will ever be the same again and I just want to curl up and die, So I hang my head in my hands and cover my ears…and I cry. Carole Graham 2002 With me, the depression simply took over my life. Because I had always been a relatively happy person, this realization shook up my life even deeper. I was “sick”. That was the hard thing for me to believe. This was an illness. I had become so deep in depression that at one point I had to take thirteen pills a day to simply function. But what I didn’t realize was that what I had was exactly what it was—an illness, not just something I was “going through”. Like diabetics have to take insulin, like people with high blood pressure have to take medication to lower it, I had to take antidepressants not to be overwhelmed by the depletion of serotonin, a needed chemical, in my brain. I had to accept the fact that with this illness came a responsibility I was going to have to deal with for the rest of my life and that was a real hard pill (no pun intended) to swallow! Of the many ways to suffer I feel all of them in this firestorm of sadness, Lord. It robs me of my sleep, saps my strength and changes me So I hardly recognize myself any more. Ease my misery, Lord. Clear my mind as though washing streaks from a window. Hold me close when I cry. Help me to release these feelings that keep me sick. Send others to hold me, too. Remind me—Dear Lord, This pain is temporary and can be relieved, By you. Carole P. Graham 2002 I don’t think the word “depression” adequately describes what you go through. I’m talking about a condition that takes over your mind, robs you of your dignity, deprives you of the joy in life, and leaves you nose down in two inches of water, feeling totally abandoned by God and everyone else. Reduced to a state of utter despair, you are a walking corpse perhaps on the way to becoming a real one. There is a painting hanging on the wall above the fireplace in my therapists’ office. It is an enormous picture of a very small, little girl standing on a dirt road in the middle of a huge forest. The trees are so thick you cannot see the heavens and the road curves behind the trees where she cannot see the end. She is just standing there in the middle of the road, afraid to move. Darkness is falling and she can’t find her way out. I identify with that picture so much. I am that tiny, frightened little girl. Afraid to move for fear I might be headed in the wrong direction, terrified by the growing darkness and unable to see my way clear for the trees. Where Do I Go From Here? Which way to go, which way to turn, Questions in my mind. No matter where I look, no matter how I search, Only darkness can I find.
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