From Tears To Hope (3) I try to hold on for dear life but life is letting go of me. The tears I cry drown my world in misery. My soul has left me on the side of the road To sit, to wait, and to die. All of my troubles, my remorse, my regrets of years past, Magnify as I simply diminish until I am a mere wisp of passing time. My former life, just a memory, Until I simply disappear, I’m gone, vanished, like I was never here. Carole Graham 2002 Early the next morning as I showered, my husband came into our room and got a suitcase and started packing. As I got dressed, I sat down on the bed and laid out my plan and was astounded at his reaction. He would not attend counseling; his brother had been through that, cost a lot of money and did absolutely no good. He was going to go stay at one of his Dad’s houses on the farm for a few days and “think” things through. He just needed some time to get his head together. He kept repeating and asking me to give him some time to think and we would talk. I finally agreed, reluctantly, not knowing he had his own plan and it didn’t include God, me or our children. As I slowly began to realize over the next few days that his mind was already made up and he was simply getting “things” in order, I still could not imagine my life without him and tried to make myself believe he would come back. My faith made me cling to the hope that God would fix things…He would bring my husband and the father of my children back to his senses…this was just a phase he was going through…a midlife crisis…yeah, that’s what they called it…but for me, it was a nightmare. Trying to pray but not knowing how, I clung to the verse in Romans: “Likewise the Spirit also helps in our weaknesses. For we do not know what we should pray for as we ought, but the Spirit Himself makes intercessions for us with groanings which cannot be uttered.” Romans 8:26 As human beings, we all face times of trial in our lives. And during those periods, it can seem as if the dark storm clouds that have gathered over head will never break. No, I didn’t know what to do or where to turn or what the outcome of this whole mess was going to be, but I still had faith that God was there somewhere in the midst of all of this, waiting to see if I would overcome or be overcome. All of us have a room inside of us that no one else can enter. I cannot enter yours and you cannot enter mine. In that room, we can gather strength or lose our grip on life. Sometimes we just cannot see what our family, friends and loved ones see. They see our beauty, our talent and what’s inside of us. We cannot see past the pain and grief at times, not because we don’t want to, but because we have an illness that people are afraid to try to understand. I’m so very lonely, even though no one can tell. I try reaching out, but for what, I don’t know. So I sit here in silence, Hoping someone will stumble across my path, And realize the emptiness I feel inside. But no one does, because I pretend it’s alright. I’ve drifted too far and I feel myself letting go, Of the grasp I have, clinging to one last bit of hope. I slowly fade away, out of everyone’s life. No one even notices. Carole P. Graham 2002 Sometimes, we simply have no choice in the matter as to the outcome or our reaction. We are so overcome with grief and depression so deep we cannot pull out of it alone. Yes, God is our ultimate source, but He has given us Christian doctors, therapists, counselors and nurses to rely on and depend upon when we need help to come back into the light and the living. The darkness, the evil, the pain of it all is simply too much for us to bear when we are confronted with a shocking life experience like this. This, as you will read when you get further, is true depression. We close ourselves off, humiliated, hurt, abandoned and just wanting it all to go away. We hide not only from friends and family but ourselves and most of all God. But we forget, God sees and knows everything and whether we like it or not, He is going to have His will done, in every aspect of our life. When we pray in the Lord’s Prayer “…thy will be done, thy kingdom come, on earth as it is in heaven” we are not simply repeating words. We are praying as Jesus told us to pray when He was with the disciples and giving them final instructions. Whatever our situation in life and history, however outrageous, however desperate, whatever dry spell of the spirit, whatever dark night of the soul, God is whispering deep within our beings “Don’t give up.” This step is called denial, where we simply cannot believe this is happening to us. God will surely intervene and make things right again. He won’t let this happen…he won’t. From the City of AngelsIt was only one hour ago - It was all so different then. Nothing yet has really sunk in Looks like it always did This flesh and bone. It's just the way that we are tied in But there's no one home.I grieve ........... for you You leave ........... meSo hard to move on Still loving what's gone. Still, life carries on Carries on and on and on and onThe news that truly shocks Is the empty, empty page. While the final rattle rocks Its empty, empty cage. And I can't handle this ---I grieve ........... for you You leave ........... meLet it out and move on Missing what's gone. Still, life carries on Still, life carries on and on and onLife carries on in the people I meet Everyone that's out on the street In all the dogs and cats In the flies and rats In the rod and the rust In the ashes and the dust.Life carries on and on and on and on Life carries on and on and onJust the car that we ride in The home we reside in The face that we hide in The way we are tied in - As life carries on and on and on and on Life carries on and on and onDid I dream this belief Or did I believe this dream? Now I will find reliefI grieve ............. Peter Gabriel lyrics to “I Grieve” My children went through their own pain in different ways. My son, tried to be strong and pretend we didn’t need his dad in our family. To dull the pain he was feeling because he was a “man”, he turned to drinking and drugs. I watched him deteriorate before my very eyes as he painfully watched me, helpless to help one another. His anger and hate ran deep until he finally agreed to seek counseling in rehab and dealt with some of his pain. He still has some issues with his dad and they will never have the relationship they once had, but hopefully one day there will be something to build a new relationship with. My daughter was like me…she was so in love with her daddy, she would have done anything to keep her relationship with him. Unfortunately, too many promises were broken and she felt like she came last in his life, so finally she was forced to realize that he was a changed man, not the father she grew up knowing. Both she and her brother have strained relationships with him at best but as I said, hopefully, with time, some of the wounds will heal and they can try again. I have often wondered if their father has distanced himself from them because it makes him feel guilty to see them or because he feels he is doing what’s best for them. Only he and God know and that is something for them to come to terms with and I finally have realized that I can’t fix their relationship with their father just as they can’t fix things for me. The Dark Don’t look, you might see; The real inside, darkest part of me. Sometimes, it escapes and gets free, I pray and I beg and I plea, just let me be…. Don’t breathe the same air I breathe, Don’t permeate everything I believe Go far, far, away and leave, Just let me be… My mind screams out but no one sees, The demons passing by on the screen, Like a movie that is being seen… By only me, Just let me be… Free me from the visions only seen by me, Just let me be….please, let me be. Carole Graham 2002 Bitterness is like a prison. We sometimes cannot seem to be able to climb, claw or pull ourselves out from this dark entombment. The sides of the wall are slippery, the floor of muddy anger still bog down our feet, the repulsive smell of betrayal fills the air and stings our eyes while a cloud of self-pity blocks the view of the very tiny escape window above us. Victims of bitterness are chained to the walls, with no apparent way out. In this dungeon, it is deep and dark, and we can enter in because of the fact that we have experienced enough hurt that we have earned the right to hang onto our pain. We can choose this scenario, the one where the pain continues unabated, or the one that allows us to put away our hurts before they become hates. But how do we allow God to deal with our bitter heart? How can we remove this seed planted by hurt, deception and betrayal? By reminding ourselves that what we have is much more important than what we don’t have. We still have our relationship with God and no one, not even the evil one himself, can take that away from us. Remember, when forgiving others sometimes seems impossible, visualizing the cross is the first step in remembering how to forgive them. Jesus, dying in agony, for your sins and my sins, still prayed for the people that were crucifying Him, spitting upon Him, piercing His side and mocking His name, “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do”. Also, amidst all of this, when a sinner asked for forgiveness, He still promised the thief that was being crucified beside Him, “Today, thou shalt be with Me in paradise”. Bitterness, hatred, and resentment, have no room at the cross except at the foot to lie them down. Gone Why do some journeys start and some have to end? You weren’t just my husband; you were my very best friend. This pain seems unbearable, deep down inside. I’ve tried to understand, I’ve asked myself why. The air I breathed was for you, and I thought you felt the same. My heart, how it hurts, simply to hear your name. I took for granted our love was never ending and trusted in you. I believed you when you said you loved me the same way too. Now you are free, but not so for the ones you left behind. For your children and I, the reason for this is so hard to find. You were always such a good, kind, loving husband and father. I will never understand why you up and left us for another. I guess sometimes there is no reason why things turn out like they do. I just know in my heart, whether we’re together or apart, I will always love you. Carole Graham 2002 We all handle pain in different ways. Sometimes we try to pretend it doesn’t exist. Sometimes we try to convince ourselves that we could have “fixed” it if we had only known. Sometimes we go around and try to get others to feel sorry for us and wallow in the pain with us. The only way to get rid of the pain is to go through it….not around it, not over it, not under it…but right slap dab in the middle of it…experience every emotion; hurt, grief, anger and finally forgiveness. This means sometimes going further back than this actual hurt and examining our lives and putting them under a microscope so to speak. Bringing up past emotional experiences that have brought us to this point in our lives and sometimes even remembering that which was once too painful to even admit to ourselves ever happened. Silently tears flow down her face like raindrops. Curled up in the corner of the closet, shaking with fear of his return. She pulls her dress over her knees to cover the pieces of what he left. Tightly, she shuts her eyes, willing him not to appear before her. The sound of footsteps getting closer…closer, until they stop. Silence so deafening she can hardly breathe so as not to make a sound. Opening her eyes, he is standing before her, a giant, larger than life. Someone she is taught to respect is no respecter of her, As he rips into her soul, tearing her affection into tiny shreds of confusion. Not realizing what is happening, yet knowing it is not right. He says things and does things that she knows are wrong, Yet she cannot deny him the control he has over her tiny being. Glassy eyed, different from the person known to her everyday, His breath so hot and short and she cannot breathe. He finally pulls away and she can hear someone crying. It is faint whimpers, coming from somewhere deep within her body. She crawls back into her safe closet, pulling the curtain closed, her corner of the world, where no one can hurt her. Her baby heart is thumping inside her chest as his footsteps walk away, Whistling a familiar tune. She hears a comforting voice whispering to her… It’s okay, It’s okay, I’m sorry, I love you little girl… It wasn’t your fault. Carole P. Graham 2003 When we hold on to the sorrows and grief of yesterday, we decrease our chances of feeling inner serenity. We only prove to repeat our pain. But if we let go, then we have something we can begin to work with, a lump of clay. Something we can form into something positive and realize someday that what man intended for evil, God intends for good. He wants what is best for us and sometimes what we think is best, is simply “dog paddling”, keeping our heads above water. Not actually swimming and enjoying the glory, the beauty and the refreshing cleansing you can experience through emerging from life’s disappointments. They help us to realize that when we have good times, we should enjoy them to the fullest and remember, if not for the pain, we would never know joy, because every emotion would feel the same. Darkness Who is this person that gets out? And no matter how loud I shout. No one hears, no one sees; Her in my mind but me. Is she in my mind or In control of my soul? Why does she seem to be stronger When I’m feeling old? Where did she come from How can I get her to leave? Is she here to help or Is she here to deceive? Lord, put my mind at peace. Help me be the person I used to be. Only stronger, better And when she tries to get out Don’t let her. I have to get rid of her somehow. And live my life now… Not dead, but alive. God help me to survive. God says in Isaiah, chapter 1, and verse eighteen (my interpretation): “Come on now, we can sort all of this out together if you will just be honest with yourself and with me. I can fix it for you.” When we go to the doctor, we can point out to him what the problem is, where it hurts, so to speak, tell him what is wrong. Then he can diagnose the problem, prescribe the proper medication or treatment and cure us of our ailment. Ignoring it won’t make it go away. Trying to “doctor” ourselves won’t make us better. Pretending nothing is wrong is not the correct medicine. The only cure is not found here on earth. And in order to find it, we have to look up, not down. And that means getting our heads out of the sand or wherever else they might be stuck and looking to the heavens for His divine guidance. Somewhere along the way, we bought into a lie that being transparent and honest are signs of weakness. I remember telling my counselor, “I just thought I was so much stronger than this”. To admit that I was hurt, afraid, disappointed or grieving over a loss was to admit that I was not strong enough to handle my life. This is true—so accept it. None of us were created to handle life on our own. We were all born with a built-in dependence on God. So, don’t hide from those feelings. Pain is an indicator that you are human and you possess the capacity for all of life’s emotions including great joy. To suffer in silence and try to be a martyr is to deny ourselves the opportunity to get through the pain to the other side where unspeakable joy awaits us. Grief is a tidal wave that over takes you, smashes down upon you with unimaginable force, sweeps you up into its darkness, where you tumble and crash against unidentifiable surfaces,
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