From Tears To Hope (2)
Now, anyone who knew my daddy knew patience was not one of his virtues. But this particular day, he was more than patient with me. He took the time to show me how to “dog paddle”. When I failed at first, he kept encouraging me to try again. The whole time I begged him not to let go of me and he kept telling me, “I’ve got you”, then suddenly, I didn’t even realize when, he had let go and I was doing it on my own. At times in my life, looking back, I remember thinking that he often pushed me and my siblings too hard, demanding more than we should be able to do as kids. But now I realize he was simply trying to prepare us to be able to take care of ourselves when he was gone, to be able to do it on our own, to be able to let go of his hands and not be afraid. Looking back, my journey to recovery was and still is about faith. Faith in myself, faith in others and most of all faith in my God. Yes, a large portion of this will be devoted to the times I clung to my faith, seriously doubted my faith and finally accepted and depended on my faith in things I had never seen but felt—love and God. My prayer is that in some way, even if you don’t believe in God or a “higher” being, you will read this and remember to believe in yourself. For me, there is no me without God to help me get through, but this is my story and yours may be different. Just don’t put this down now simply because you may think it’s another one of those “religious” books. Read it, think about it and decide which course you should take to begin your journey on the road to recovery. I do believe our heavenly Father is just like my earthly father was. He wants us to stand on our own but He is always there to catch us if we start sinking or floundering about in the sea of life. He is our safety net, the one we can truly rely on when everyone else fails us. He is our joy, our strength, our encourager and our savior all wrapped up in one. Illness, death and broken relationships occur everyday in the lives of every human being. The road to healing, hope and happiness is not always straight. There will be twists and turns, it will sometimes be rocky and sometimes you might feel as though you take one step forward and ten back. But eventually, you have two choices: Let the grief have control over your life or you take control over the grief with the help of the one who will never forsake you. He never promised it would be easy in this life but on Him we can always depend. When we can’t, God can. “He restores my soul,” the shepherd wrote. He doesn’t reform, he restores. He doesn’t camouflage the old, he restores the new. The Master Builder will pull out the original plan and restore it. He will restore the vigor. He will restore the energy. He will restore the hope. He will restore your soul. Just as my daddy promised not to let go of me on that sunny day at Fernandina Beach, so my heavenly father holds me close and lifted up each day, with the same promise. He is always there, lifting me above the scary moments in my life, even when I can’t feel His presence. “We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.” 2 Corinthians 4:8-9 Pain “Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live.” Is there anything more painful than the loss of a loved one? I’m not talking about death…I’m talking about when they tell you they don’t love you any more and walk out the door on your life together and never look back as if it never existed. Why doesn’t the world stop turning? Why doesn’t all life just freeze in its tracks just like it has done for us? Why do people go about there everyday life as if nothing has happened? Can’t they see that your life has been forever altered by something you had absolutely no control over? No choices, no warning, no preparation…just gone. Everything that you trusted to be real and true suddenly gone and there is absolutely nothing you can do to get it back. The decision has been made, without your knowledge or consideration and all you can do is try to live with it. I stand here alone, broken, wondering, how did this happen? Time is of no essence, as it passes by, while my tears flow. So many times, he pulled me close, just to say, he loved me. The night before he left, he “loved me more than anything.” “Couldn’t live without me in his life.” “Life would have no meaning without me”. “He would always love me.” “We were going to grow old together and rock grandbabies together.” He “couldn’t wait for that.” Today, he found someone new. Is this the price I pay for loving someone more than life itself? Carole P. Graham 2002 You feel abandoned. You search for answers why. You blame yourself. What could you have done to change the situation? Why didn’t you realize or see what was happening? How did things get this far? If only you had known, if only he had told you, you could have, should have, would have… Why, O God, do bad things happen? Can my anger, when they actually do, be a prayer? It’s all I have to offer you, Lord. I feel relief sharing it with you, For now, that’s all I need. Don’t let disaster have the last word, Lord. Find me, hidden behind the mess I’ve made of my life. Let me feel your presence and know that even now, You are working to teach me a lesson somehow. Is the price too steep? Am I cut too deep? Show me the way you would have me to trod, So that at the end of my journey, I will find you, God. Carole Graham 2002 Life, once filled with sunshine and promise, is now colored by the storm and shadows that loom in the future. So you withdraw in an effort to dull your feelings. You seek the solace daily of the darkness, when you can crawl into bed, pull the covers over your head and try to sleep and forget for a little while. You welcome the darkness, the time alone and sink deeper and deeper into the waters of self pity and hopelessness. No one understands, no one cares, you’re alone and the one who stood before God, family and witnesses and promised to love you “till death do us part” has changed his mind. After 20 years and two wonderful children, he has decided he wants another life, not this one…not the one you and he have planned together, but another one with someone else. Shame, humiliation, hurt, anger, pain…so many emotions. How do you deal with them all and not lose your mind? Sometimes you can’t. DECEIT WHY DO THE ONES WHO CLAIM TO LOVE US THE MOST, HURT US MOST OF ALL? JUST WHEN WE HAVE EVERYTHING ALL FIGURED OUT, WE STUMBLE AND FALL. FROM THE ADVICE OF A LOVED ONE OR SO WE THOUGHT OR THE VISION OF A DREAM IN SIGHT. ALONG COMES THE PAIN, DESOLATION AND DESERTING OF THE ONE WHO GAVE UP THE FIGHT. FOREVER AND EVER, WORDS SPOKEN IN PRIVATE MEANT FOR A LIFETIME WE BELIEVE BUT USED, IT APPEARS, TO BETRAY OUR HEARTS AND TO PRACTICE THEIR GAMES OF DECEIT. TAKEN, OUR PRIDE, OUR FAITH IN OTHERS WITHOUT A THOUGHT OF OUR ACHING HEART NEVER TO BE MENDED OR TRUSTING ANOTHER AS IT IS TORN FROM THE TOP, APART. Love is a universal emotion, a goal we all seek; the prize that we all believe can make our lives complete and whole. Most of us believe, especially when we are young, that true, blissfully, total, happiness can be found through love. Many of us have discovered, it can also be lost. Normal day to day things that are routine become a struggle sometimes when we allow the loss of something so precious to us to overcome us completely. We become lost inside ourselves, and strive to regain a sense of ourselves when we have been a part of another person for so long. It’s like having part of your body cut off, an amputation. Our ability to navigate without this body part in a strange, new world is sometimes more than we are able to adapt to. You cling to what you had in the past because you simply cannot fathom that you will never have that again. Everyone is happy but you; they have someone in their life they love and that loves them. That is sometimes the way it appears. People tire of hearing about your “problems and pain” and look through, not really listening, you as you tell them of your heartache and heartbreak. You wonder how they can understand when they have never been in your shoes, in the same situation. I also believe the longer a relationship lasts, the longer it takes to let go. And by not letting go, the pain and hurt continues, and you must endure it all until you finally are able to say “enough”. And sometimes you need some help to understand when to say enough and it’s over. Any Given Day On a day like today, the memories flood back Raining like sheets of glass. I can barely see what’s in front of me The pain is so real and intense. Hopelessness overwhelms me, sinking deep within Thoughts run through my mind at random What if this is the best it will ever be? What happened to “til death do us part”? Just words, no meaning, empty promises Who to trust; who to count on; God? Does He really hear me when I pray? Does He still answer prayer or listen to my pleas? Or has He already decided what’s best for me. Does he listen to my silent petitions, Crying out in my mind but not making it to my lips? I’m so weak, tired, weary of waiting, praying, asking, begging; Is He really just a breath away? Should I breathe or just stop? Carole P. Graham 2002 For me, it all began one Sunday night in January 2000 after evening church services. It had been a typical Sunday. My husband got up and cooked breakfast. We went to Sunday school, morning worship, came home and ate lunch. That afternoon, we lay on the couch together and watched the car races on television in between napping. That night, we returned to church for the evening worship and afterwards, we were off to eat with four or five other couples like we normally did on Sunday night. Nothing about that day was different, he didn’t act strange or nervous, it was a “normal” day for us. We laughed, joked and cut up with our friends and their kids and ours. It was a happy day. But then, every day was a happy day with us…I loved him so much and we had the perfect family… a son that had graduated from high school the year before and was working in the family business and a daughter that was about to graduate with honors in may and had been offered many scholarships. We were a close family, spending all of our free time together and enjoying whatever we did whether it was flying to San Antonio for Christmas or grilling ribs on the b-b-q at home on Saturday evening…I loved our life together and I loved him totally. Deep sobs - That start beneath my heart and hold my body in a grip that hurts. The lump that swells inside my throat brings pain that tries to choke. Then tears course down my cheeks - I drop my head in my so empty hands abandoning myself to deep, dark grief and know that with the passing time will come relief. That though the pain may stay Soon there will come a day When I can say his name and be at peace. Carole P. Graham 2002 The defining moment came that night, after the children were in bed asleep and we had gotten into bed. He suddenly became quieter, less talkative, as we discussed the day’s activities, the next week; things we normally talked about as we fell to sleep. Gradually, I realized he wasn’t responding much, so I asked him why he had gotten quiet. All of a sudden blurted out, “Well you know I haven’t been happy in a long time.” He was always a big jokester, a kidder, so I just slapped playfully at him and said “yeah, right, now what is it”. Then, he repeated what he had just said, and not only that, but he began to try to convince me that I wasn’t happy either. Now, I admit I am blonde, but occasionally a light bulb does go on over my head and all of a sudden the words just came out of my mouth, interrupting his nervous chatter and spilled out, hoping against hope I was wrong. “Are you seeing someone?” Silence. I got up from the bed and turned on the light. With one look on his face I knew everything I needed to know. I asked him four questions: What is her name? How old is she? How long have you been sleeping with her? And are you in love with her? The answers: Her name, 23 years old, since last September and yes. “The Lord is nigh unto the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit” Psalm 34:18 My world, as I had known it for the last 20 years had come to an end. With those four questions and answers, everything I had dreamed of, hoped for and lived for came crashing down around me like a house of cards. Numb with disbelief, I stumbled through blinding tears into the family room and sought the comfort of a rocking chair and blanket. I sat and cried silently as what he had just told me began to sink in. I remember vaguely, he came through with an overnight bag and said he was going to spend the night at his brother’s house to give both he and I some time to be alone and think. Naturally, I did what I was supposed to do and turned to God, reading and studying His word all night long, praying fervently. With the dawn came the answer that I was searching for. Many marriages had suffered affairs and with counseling and willingness on the part of the two individuals, there could be healing and reconciliation. We would seek Christian counseling and work it out. After all, we had two wonderful children together, twenty years that we just couldn’t throw away and a God who was loving and forgiving and I knew it was simply not His will that my family be torn apart. Gone Away I feel nothing but endless pain. These tears, these thoughts, these emotions…they are real. The hurt seems more than I can bear. Like a knife, it stabs me; it will not stop, this incredible pain. My world is collapsing around my feet. My lover, my best friend, my everything, gone, is why I weep. The torture in my heart will not leave me. It laughs in my tear streaked face, as I go through this torment. It does not simply crumble, it shatters into a million tiny fragments, like glass. The glass cuts my feet, as I try to walk away, From my grief, my love, my world. I bleed out my fears, my sorrow and despair.
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Copyright © 2003 Carole P Graham |