From Tears To Hope (10) Why did God even give man a choice, a free will? It can break hearts, homes and families with such force that it seems as though nothing will ever be right with the world again. All I can say is that you have to pray for the ability to have comfort and peace as you cope with a choice that was not yours, when someone exercises their free will and it is not the same as yours. Everything appears out of control and it is…that’s when you realize who has to be in total control or else the suffering will simply continue. Breaking free is hard to do but you have to believe in yourself and a higher power if you are going to survive. Letting go and letting God, as the saying goes, is not an easy task, mind you. But I promise it is much better than letting go of your sanity and your ability and desire to live a normal life. Piece by piece, I reenter the world. A new phase, a new body, a new voice. Birds console me by flying, trees by growing, my dogs by the warm patch they leave when they get up off of the sofa. Unknown people, merely by watching them perform their motions. It's a lie that there is a fast recovery from a sickness, this recovery of myself. After we become convinced we are on the very brink of eternal despair, guilt, fear or sadness, there comes a reprieve. Then and only then, can we recognize That no period of misery is endless. I can begin to wake up in the morning with something besides dread in my heart. Not exactly happiness, Not exactly eagerness, But a kind of dream of actually being happy again someday And believing it. Carole P. Graham 2003 As I write this, the Easter season is upon us and I think of a God who suffered so much pain and heartache, physically and mentally, betrayal…all of the things we have felt as humans, he actually endured and went through. Then I am reminded that hearts frozen in winter by betrayal can be thawed by the touch of the master’s hand at Easter, who brings to life what we first look at as hopelessness when cold winds blow across the depths of our life. There is a moment in which the real God met real pain so we could answer the question, “Where is God when I hurt?” The spotless Son of God hung upon the cross, His flesh deeply lacerated with stripes; those hands so often reached out in blessing, nailed to the wooden bars; those feet so tireless on ministries of love, spiked to the tree; that royal head pierced by the crown of thorns; those quivering lips shaped to the cry of woe. And all that He endured—the blood drops that flowed from His head, His hands, His feet, the agony that He suffered, and the unspeakable anguish that filled His soul at the hiding of His Father’s face—speaks to each child of humanity, saying, It is for you that the Son of God consents to bear this burden of guilt; for you He spoils the domain of death, and opens the gates of Paradise. He who stilled the angry waves and walked the foam-capped billows, who made devils tremble and disease flee, who opened blinded eyes and called forth the dead to life, He offers Himself upon the cross as a sacrifice, and this from love to you. He, the Sin Bearer, endures the wrath of divine justice, and for your sake becomes sin itself. By faith, Christ was the victor, just as you and I are when we follow God’s pattern for our lives. It is often said “God works in mysterious ways.” I have heard that saying all of my life. But if we will just look around and open our eyes, we can see that statement in living color every day. When my daddy died at the age I am now, 43, I thought that was the most horrible life experience I would ever encounter. Nothing would ever make it better. My heart was always going to hurt and long for him to be here with us as a family again. But it was simply not meant to be. Then, when my mom remarried, I tried my best to hate, dislike, find fault and generally find anything thing I could to not like about her new husband. He was an intruder into our lives that should never have come. He was where my daddy should be. He was living in my daddy’s house, sleeping in his bedroom and loving my mama. Things only my daddy could do. But slowly, I began to realize, God sent him into our lives and us into his. He continued to treat me with love and respect out of love for my mama, he endeared himself to my children by paying attention to the things they said or doing things with them and he became a Christian and was baptized during the first few years he and my mom were married. Of course, if I had had a choice, I would rather my daddy have never died and still be here with us. And I’m sure my mama’s husband would tell you he would rather have been able to live with his children’s mom and be there more in their lives as they grew up. But being all of these “best laid” plans were altered by the Master planner, there was a new plan. And ultimately God has blessed all of these relationships through the years and helped them to continue to grow in love. In his book “The Applause of Heaven”, Max Lucado describes God’s mercy and love in a most beautiful way. “God’s delight is received upon surrender, not awarded upon conquest. The first step to joy is a plea for help, an acknowledgment of moral destitution, an admission of inward paucity. Those who taste God’s presence have declared spiritual bankruptcy and are aware of their spiritual crisis…Their pockets are empty. Their options are gone. They have long since stopped demanding justice; they are pleading for mercy.” It seems so simple once you realize that God is not responsible for the bad things that have happened in your life. And even when we’ve shaken our fists towards Him and the heavens, he is still there, loving us, waiting patiently for us to remember He carried us through those valleys and gave us the strength to walk on our own two feet again. "Measure life not by the breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away. Somewhere, somehow, it should be possible to touch someone and never let go again." As humans, we naturally dislike change. When we think we are happy, we want to remain that way. And when something comes along to upset our apple cart, it is so unsettling that sometimes we allow ourselves to become so wrapped up in the way things were before, that we cannot allow ourselves to adjust to the new change or adapt. We simply cannot and will not accept it. But if we can somehow realize that God alone has the power to plant His footsteps in the sea and rise above the waves and walk on top of the water, we can move forward realizing that with God tending the tiniest seed of hope, it cannot be dislodged. We can be lifted up like a wave on the ocean, knowing God’s hand is beneath the water holding us up. We all want to be able to “touch someone and never let go again”. The trouble is what my therapist told me was my problem one day. I was always trying to “drag someone not on my path onto my path.” We never think to consult God in the affairs of our heart. If we genuinely sought His guidance, there would be a lot more touching and not letting go and a lot less divorce. He can make “beauty from ashes”, never forget. Spring time, beautiful colors and God’s creations everywhere… It’s easier during this time to find signs that He is there. And when we realize that He wants to relieve our every care, We can come to a point that we find beauty, even in times that are bare. Butterflies, flowers, clover topped grass by the road, Nature revealed to us by a Savior that bore our every load. And even though He says a man shall reap what he sows, We feel His love and compassion, and suddenly we know. He wants to grant us mercy, to provide His unending grace. If we only believe and turn to Him when we come to that place. Where we think we’ve been defeated and we’ve already lost the race, And never, ever give up, without looking up to His heavenly face. For victory comes when we look around and know His love and concern, And for the believer there is a hope that the world can only yearn. So remember as you wonder in the springtime and learn, You only have to open your eyes and know the world around Him turns. Carole Graham 2003 You see, sometimes we have to realize that we have to look for the beauty in all of the painful things that are going on around us in this world. During one of my darkest periods, I remember my brother emailing me a story about a butterfly and I still carry that story around with me in my purse. He told me he had read it and thought about me and my struggles and how he knew it was hard for me to be patient but that in order for me to be able to get better, I was going to have to do it myself. If he could do it for me, he would. But as this story is told, no one else can help you hurry through the process. The story is told of a man finding a cocoon. One day a small opening appeared. He watched the butterfly for several hours as it struggled to force its body through that little hole. Then it seemed to stop making any progress. It appeared as if it had gotten as far as it could and could go no further. So, the man decided to help the butterfly. He took a pair of scissors and snipped off the remaining bit of cocoon. The butterfly then emerged easily. But it had a swollen body and small shriveled legs. The man expected that at any moment the wings would enlarge and expand to be able to support the body which would contract in time. Neither happened. The butterfly spent the rest of its life crawling around with a swollen body and shriveled legs. It never was able to fly. What the man in his kindness and haste did not understand was that the struggle required for the butterfly to get through the tiny opening was God’s way of forcing fluid from the body of the butterfly into its wings so that it would be ready for flight once it achieved its freedom from the cocoon. I would like to be a butterfly,Floating in the breeze.Drinking from the sweetest flowers,Pretty as you please.To fly upon a cloud,and rest my weary wings.Then float on by and say Hello,To every bird that sings.I would like to be a butterfly,That lands upon your sill.When you grace me with your eyes,I would see the joy you feel.Then I would gently flutter off,floating in the airI think I'll find a lovely girl,Whose heart is in despair.With much care I flutter down,landing in her hairBut she is weeping too hard,to notice I am here.Dancing all around her,As I try to calm her fears.Now I need someone,To mend my tired and tattered wings.To gently embrace me in their hands,Hold me oh, so near.Is there anyone out there?That can dry a butterflies tears?Brenda Conley ~ © 2001 Sometimes struggles are exactly what we need in our life. If God allowed us to go through our life without any obstacles, it would cripple us. We would not be as strong as what we could have been. And we could never fly. Many tear stains are on this email sent by my brother. At times when I have felt myself going underneath the wet blanket again, I will pull this out and re-read it and remember what it takes to make something beautiful out of something seemingly ugly. “And after you suffer for a short time, God, who gives all grace, will make everything right. He will make you strong and support you and keep you from falling. He called you to share in his glory in Christ, a glory that will continue forever.” 1 Peter 5:10 It’s that easy? You may ask yourself that question. No, there was nothing easy about it at all. The cross was heavy, the blood was real and the price was extravagant. It would have bankrupted you or me, so Jesus paid it all for us. Call it simple, call it a gift, but don’t call it easy. Call it what it is. Call it grace. Just remember, the difference between grace and mercy. Grace is when we get what we don’t deserve and mercy is when we don’t get what we actually do deserve. Come, listen and observe my glory, The crashing waves and beautiful colors tell a story. Waves rush to the land in a flurry And return to the ocean regardless of human hurry. To renew, gather strength and momentum for the next time The wonder of all of this is one of God’s signs. As I walk on the beach, smelling the sea for hours I dream of the magnificence of His power. I walk in the edge of the water, just to wade Sometimes sitting underneath the umbrella for shade. From the sun and the wind and the sky I watch mesmerized as the seagulls float by. I listen, I close my eyes and all is so grand, Sifting through my toes the gold, pure, fairy sand. Like dropping a curtain, suddenly it is sunset, Then is when it is so easy for me to forget. The coming darkness that in the shadows have come to loom, I retreat once again, back into the gloom. But not before God shows me the magnificent moon. Carole Graham 2003 In the window in my kitchen, is a picture of my best friend and I that was taken at Myrtle Beach, SC the summer before she got sick and died a little over a year later with cancer. The above poem was written about that beach and how I feel when I am there. Stuck inside the frame of our picture, is a little saying I cut out of a magazine that reads: “What the caterpillar sees as the end, the rest of the world sees as a butterfly.” That’s also how I feel about her. When she first got sick, I had already lost my husband and all I could think about was that here I was losing my best friend. Why was God allowing all of this to happen to me? I would cry for hours and look at that picture, remembering the good times and regretting the future times we would never have. Then, one day, God showed me that little clipping and I knew that I was being selfish. She was no longer a caterpillar, down here on earth, struggling with all this worldly stuff and having to deal with the pain of watching her best friend wallow in self pity. She was a beautiful butterfly, flying way up high, away from all that would hold her down and keep her back from being beautiful and free. From my dark corner, I looked up and saw wings fluttering against the big, blue sky and I knew that a God who can make a butterfly from a caterpillar could surely make something new out of me. It was like God was telling me that I needed to be free also. Free myself from the “poor old Carole” syndrome, free myself from being chained to someone that was no longer a part of my life, free myself from caring where he was, what he was doing, what was happening in his life…just allow myself to be free. "IT IS REWARDING to find someone you like, but it is essential to like yourself. It is quickening to recognize that someone is a good and decent human being, but it is indispensable to view yourself as acceptable. It is a delight to discover people who are worthy of respect and admiration and love, but it is vital to believe yourself deserving of these things. For you cannot live in someone else. You cannot find yourself in someone else. You cannot be given a life by someone else. Of all the people you will know in a lifetime, you are the only one you will never leave or lose. To the question of your life, you are the only answer. To the problems of your life, you are the only solution." ~JO COUDERT , American writer Recently I moved to a new town. While packing my things, I came to the clock that my mother and father gave to my ex and me on our first Christmas. It was an electric am radio clock with the clock face and twist alarm set, about twenty-two years old, but the clock I had used all of my married life to set the alarm to get up by each morning. As I held it and reminisced about times long ago, I came to a realization. That was exactly what they were…the past…memories from years, months, days, weeks, hours, minutes, and seconds before in my life. At that moment, time stood still as I set the clock down and realized I must leave it there, in the past. From that moment on was my future. And I could learn to live in the present with a hope of tomorrow or never move forward. I was the only one that could choose…and I chose hope. I can tell you, sometimes, I still have to remind myself I’m a butterfly, but you know what, the times between get longer and longer. For all of us, there are going to be some tears and sighs, some sorrow and sadness, some dark periods of disappointment and despair…but the question is how we will handle them. I am stronger now, I can fly higher, I can enjoy the flight and not look back or down, except occasionally…just up, up, up…as I gather momentum and strength that was already there. I just had to find where my daddy left it again. Just as we leave fingerprints all over whatever we’ve touched in life or felt, so does Jesus. His fingerprints, his DNA, his blood type, are all a part of me, just as my earthly father’s physical makeup was. We can make a choice…take the easy road and lie down, surrendering our lives to the darkness or do whatever it takes to get better and lead a full, healthy and happy life. Not long ago, I had one of those days when I thought lying down and dying would have been the best solution for everyone involved. But you see, that is exactly what the devil wants us to believe…there is nothing better than this moment, this turmoil we are going through…. Too many roads to walk down, too many problems to even comprehend. How will I make the right choices, where are the signs? Am I destined to go through life not knowing what to do? Which road to choose, which to leave far behind? Are you still there God, leading my way in the darkness when I can’t see? Or are you walking far, far ahead of me, Please tell me, please tell me… Carole P. Graham 2003 Trust can be one of the most confusing aspects of recovering. Who can we trust now? Not ourselves, I mean, after all, we let ourselves down in thinking we could trust someone we couldn’t, so how can we know who to trust again? Fear, doubt, panic and confusion is our opposition. Self-trust is simply a gift we have to give to ourselves. But how do we acquire it? Simple—we learn it. What do we do about our mistakes; about the times we trusted someone and found out we were wrong? We accept the fact that we simply made a mistake and trust ourselves again. We have all the light we need for today and tomorrow’s light shall be given to us then. When we feel as though we cannot trust ourselves, we have to trust that God will guide us into the truth. So go forward and learn to trust yourself again, one day at a time, one person at a time, one experience at a time. One Day I know, one day, when we are older, we will meet again. Our children’s wedding, a social function, a restaurant. And you will smile and say something nice like, “you look great” or even worse, “I’m sorry”. And I’ll smile and say something like, “Go screw yourself.” Carole P. Graham 2003 This has been a hard lesson to learn for me. Trusting is something that I had to learn to do all over again. But it can be done. For me, I had to make a conscience decision whether to continue my life alone or take the risk of loving someone again and opening myself up to hurt. Loving someone with all my heart and soul was what made the loss hurt so much. How could I ever offer my heart as a sacrifice again? After a loss of this magnitude, we find intimate relationships too hard to handle or even think about. The ability to be truly intimate with another person is almost too much for most of us to comprehend. Relationships are hard work. If we have experienced a breakdown in a relationship, it is not uncommon to feel like in order to have peace and harmony in life, we just have to be alone. And yet, for most of us, that is not what we really and truly desire. We all seek love as a part of our nature. Mistaking love and emotional commitment as a loss of freedom, we end up in a prison of our own making. So, love in a time of a broken heart is wrought with difficulties. It’s not easy to heal the heart and learn to trust. Yet, we must, as we are all born with the capacity to love and be loved in return. We remember love, its sweet memory buried deep within our souls waiting for a chance to live again. As spiritual beings, we are created in God’s image, so therefore we have an obligation to give and receive love. Restoring our ability to love is the key to healing the wounds in our souls, hearts and minds. My Eyes There was a time when I could only see me through your eyes. Then came the day, you went away, and I couldn’t see me any more. I became invisible, I didn’t want to see what you said was there. So I didn’t look in the mirror at me because I had left too. I left me…and almost lost me…but then I was found…by me. I found I was wrong; I didn’t need your eyes to see me. I just needed to open mine. Carole P. Graham 2003 For me, after weighing all of the options, I knew I had too much love to give to keep it to myself for the rest of my life and I knew God had someone out there for me to share it with. I would rather spend the rest of my life loving someone with everything in me than never loving again at all. The happiness I had known at one time was worth that. There was someone out there that had broken wings like me, that had many reasons not to trust and to be suspicious, that had been hurt but still knew that there was a love out there that was real and true. And when you find it, if you seek God’s advice, He will tell you personally, “Here it is. My gift to you, for all you have endured. To be happy and share yourself with someone who desires the same things in life that you do.” Just accept the gift and be happy…choose happiness, love and laughter…I’m living proof that God is still in the miracle business. He made a caterpillar out of me. And with time and patience, a butterfly, flying high above the heavens…
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Copyright © 2003 Carole P Graham |