Feets (1) FADE IN: INT. CONTEMPORARY KITCHEN - NIGHT. Thoroughly gnawed chicken bone tumbles through the air. Lands on a pile of bones. MALE VOICE (O.S.) Burp! Hand sweeps the pile into a cardboard container. Container bears the title, "Fried Chicken," and the image of THE COLONEL, a middle-aged, white man with white hair, and a white goatee, wearing a white suit. Kitchen trash can's lid pops up. The Container is dropped into the trash. Lands next to two orange cartons. On one carton, carries the word "Rice" and has a picture of UNCLE BEN, an elderly black man with a fringe of white hair surrounding his bald pate. A second carton depicts the image of a black woman (JEMIMA), and a partially covered legend, "Panc ..." Trashcan lid SLAMS shut. The images come alive. THE COLONEL Uncle Ben, Jemima, how y'all been keeping? UNCLE BEN Don't do no good to complain. JEMIMA Did you ever think we'd end up like this? THE COLONEL Ain't like the old days, is it? UNCLE BEN Well, the way I remember, back in the day, it was 1862, going on -- 'bout 1999. There was ah, little ruckus between the states. Some white folks felt the government was out of touch ... EXT. A RAMSHACKLE CABIN IN THE WOODS - NIGHT. UNCLE BEN (V.O.) ... black folks was considered ah, problem. Obscure corners, was being reserved for red folks. And there sho' weren't nothing good on the TV. Cabin door slowly opens. The Colonel steps into the moonlight. Sticks a cigar in his mouth. Out of the darkness, a black woman's hand appears. Holding a lighter, the hand lights the cigar. Jemima steps into the moonlight. THE COLONEL Jemima, my flapjack femme fatale. JEMIMA You fancy talking finger licker, you're always buttering me up. THE COLONEL It's time. I must take my leave. The Colonel walks away. JEMIMA (calling out) What should I make for tomorrow, waffles or a short stack? The Colonel stops. Turns to Jemima. THE COLONEL Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn. EXT. IN THE WOODS - NIGHT. An owl HOOTS. Two black men, DRUM and MANDINGO, walk along a dirt path. DRUM Who we gon' go see? Drum stops to tie his shoelaces. MANDINGO The O'Hara plantation done got dem a new buck. Word is, he's as quick as a cat and surely likes ta mix it up. DRUM Nobody done best Cato yet and it ain't gon' happen tonight. MANDINGO You fixin' ta bet on Cato? DRUM Ain't got nothin' ta bet with. MANDINGO What'cha done wid ja corn liquor? DRUM Drank it up. What'cha think fool. EXT. CLEARING IN THE WOODS - SAME. A NOISY circle of coarsely dressed black men. At the center, two men, huge, muscular, naked to the waist and barefoot. One man wears BLACK PANTS. One man wears BROWN PANTS. They hoist their dukes. The crowd strains forward. Eyes wide. Lips pulled back into grimaces. ONLOOKER #1 Jack that sucka's jaw! Brownpants jabs. ONLOOKER #2 Come on, now! He ain't got no punch! Blackpants throws a wide left hook. Brownpants steps inside the arc of the punch. Counters with a straight right. Blackpants steps back. Smiles. BROWNPANTS Keep smilin', doofus. I got sumptin fer dat smile. Blackpants holds up his right fist. BLACKPANTS And I got sumptin' fer you too. Blackpants launches a left. CRACKS Brownpants flush on the jaw. DRUM (O.S.) Oooooh, oooh. Busted dat lame in his head. Brownpants staggers back. Blackpants leaps forward. Tackles Brownpants. They tumble to the ground. Blackpants is on top. They roll over. Brownpants gains the top position. Seizes Blackpants' neck. Straightens his arm. ONLOOKER #3 (O.S.) Whip dat chump's behind! Flat on his back, Blackpants clutches the pinioning arm. Brownpants draws back his fist. Rockets it forward. Blackpants breaks the grasp. The blow misses. Brownpants loses his balance. Falls forward into the dust. The crowd GROANS. The fighters scramble to their feet. One with the action, the spectators punch out imaginary foes. MANDINGO Go upside his head, now! One observer, JACQUES, a handsome black man in his mid-thirties, shows no enthusiasm. The spectators jockey for position. Jacques stands his ground. The crowd shifts. Exposes a ball and chain cuffed to Jacques' ankle. Brownpants CRASHES a right against Blackpants' jaw. Blackpants' head snaps to the side. Staggers backward. Brownpants rushes in. Blackpants grabs. They clinch. ONLOOKER #1 (O.S.) Dat mother can't fight. He ain't squat! Blackpants frees his right. Buries an uppercut in Brownpants' gut. Brownpants lets go. Blackpants tackles Brownpants. They tumble to the ground. Blackpants scrambles on top of Brownpants. DRUM (O.S.) Stomp his ass! Jacques shakes his head. Lifts his chain. Lays the ball gently against his back. Walks back into the woods. ONLOOKER #3 (O.S.) Ooooh! Done messed his stuff up! The crowd's SHOUTS fade into the background. EXT. COTTON FIELD - MORNING. Attempting to pluck a cotton boll, Jacques pricks his finger. Drum and Mandingo approach. MANDINGO Well, if it ain't smilin' Jack. DRUM Smilin' Jack, how come you ain't smilin' now? MANDINGO This boy gots ta do some work for a change. DRUM Ain't like the big house is it? MANDINGO You ain't got shit to say now -- do you? DRUM Whas a matter? You don't wan' talk ta us? MANDINGO Think you better than we is? DRUM Yeah, you high-toned house folks think you better than us. Ain't dat right? JACQUES Ever here me say that? MANDINGO Funny as you talk, we don't need to hear you say nothin'. DRUM We see how you be around de Colonel and li'll Colonel. JACQUES What do you mean -- how I be? MANDINGO You and Massa all friendly. While you is lollygagin' in the big house, we's out here, workin' hard. DRUM You can't hardly do no work. Have to depend on you, this here cotton never get picked. JACQUES If the Colonel and I were so friendly, I wouldn't be wearing this. Jacques RATTLES his chain. MANDINGO Yeah, you musta done sumptin' real simple. DRUM Probably can't wait to go runnin' back to the house. JACQUES Oh, I can wait. DRUM Wait for what? There's only two things you can do: You works in the house, or you works in the field. JACQUES If that's all you can think of, that must be all there is. MANDINGO What'cha mean by that? JACQUES Just agreeing with you. DRUM You better hope your narrow ass gets sent back to the house, 'cause if you stay out here, you ain't gon' last. JACQUES Wasn't planning on it. WHITE MALE (V.O.) Hey! Get your lazy butts back to work! INT. HALLWAY - NIGHT. Uncle Ben creeps down an unlit hallway. Stops at a closed door. Puts his ear to the keyhole. WHITE FEMALE VOICE (V.O.) Next is the "MacTeal-Llewellyn News Hour," whose presentation is made possible by a generous contribution from SlaveTech. SlaveTech, developers of efficient, docile labor. Found at better plantations throughout the Confederacy. INT. THE COLONEL'S BEDROOM - NIGHT. The white glow of television light bathes the room. The Colonel and his young wife ANNE, sit in bed. WHITE MALE (V.O.) Reward yourself with a slave. Only three hundred dollars down, and a hundred and twenty dollars a month. Leasepurchase option available. This offer is void where prohibited. They HEAR the "MacTeal-Llewellyn News Hour" theme. MACTEAL (V.O.) Good evening, this is Roland MacTeal. We will be breaking away from programming for those stations that are currently running a pledge drive. THE COLONEL Oh, No. Not again. BILLY BOB COVINGTON (V.O.) I'm Billy-Bob Covington, the station manager here at W-D-X-E, Confederate Public Television. Due to the recent cuts in funding, at the Confederate Endowment for the Arts, we've had to extend our pledge drive ... The Colonel takes a deep breath and sighs. Anne listens intently. BILLY BOB COVINGTON (V.O.) ... we know that you appreciate our programming by your letters praising Master Planter Theater and the program you are currently watching, the MacTeal-Llewellyn News Hour. Augmenting our usual presentations, we have also brought you exciting live-coverage of our victorious troops, at the recently televised Second Battle of Manassas, Bull Run to our Northern viewers ... The Colonel runs both hands through his hair. Anne continues to listen. BILLY BOB COVINGTON (V.O.) ... such quality programming comes only at a price. In addition to our regular memberships, we will be holding an auction for which we are currently soliciting contributions. Among those items already donated; a vacation trip to the Sodom and Gomorrah of the North, Emancipation City ... The Colonel mimes a strangling motion. Anne continues to listen. BILLY BOB COVINGTON (V.O.) ... the winning bidder will be able to view, first hand, the licentiousness and degeneracy confronting the Confederacy. Standing by to take your calls are volunteers from the slave auction house of Fothebys, who have graciously contributed their time to receive your pledges and donations ... The Colonel raises his hands in surrender. Eyes focused on the tube, Anne places a hand on his upraised arm. BILLY BOB COVINGTON (V.O.) ... it would be right neighborly, if you took this moment to pledge your support by dialing, 1-800-5-5-D-I-X-I-E. Now, we'll return to the MacTeal-Llewellyn News Hour -- already in progress. Anne reaches for the remote control. Hits the mute button. ANNE Well, are we going to contribute? THE COLONEL I suppose we should. If nothing else, at least I'll be able to curse these boring pledge drives with a clear conscience. ANNE How about if we bid on that trip to Emancipation City? Sounds like it might be fun. THE COLONEL Well, I had somethin' a bit more practical in mind. ANNE Such as? THE COLONEL I was gon' to donate Jacques. ANNE Jacques? What do you want to give away Jacques for? THE COLONEL He's a bad influence on Junior. ANNE He's not so bad. THE COLONEL You're always after me to pledge. Here's the right opportunity, and besides, we could use the tax deduction. ANNE Oh, all right. Do what you think is best. The Colonel picks up the phone. THE COLONEL This here is the Colonel, Master of The Colonel's Plantation. I'd like to donate one of my slaves, to the auction y'all are having -- y'all be 'round to collect him in the mornin' -- good, he'll be ready to go -- take care now. The Colonel turns off the light. Anne slides her hand inside The Colonel's pajama top. Kisses him. No response. ANNE Something wrong? THE COLONEL No, nothing's wrong. I just don't feel like it. ANNE Well, I feel like it. THE COLONEL Tomorrow night, I promise ANNE I'm gon' hold you to that. In the dark, the Colonel lies with his back toward Anne. She lies on her back Stares at the ceiling. INT. JACQUES' SHACK - NIGHT. Jacques lies on a pallet next to the small flame of an oil lamp. Reads a book. HEARS a knock at the door. Hides the book. JACQUES Who's there? UNCLE BEN (O.S.) It's Unc. Jacques swings his feet onto the floor. JACQUES Come on in. Holding a carpetbag, Uncle Ben enters. Puts the bag down. Grabs a stool. JACQUES What's with the bag? UNCLE BEN Nothing special. Just come by to see how you're doing. JACQUES Not as well as I'd like. JACQUES When I get this bad boy off, I'll be doing a whole lot better. UNCLE BEN You use to talk a lot about Canada. Still, thinkin' 'bout that run? JACQUES Ain't no question 'bout that. I'm gettin' outta here. UNCLE BEN What'cha know about Canada? Could be Canada's more savage than darkest Africa. JACQUES Unc, I don't know or care what Canada is really about, so long as it ain't slavery. Till I know better, I'm headin' north. UNCLE BEN You sure, now? JACQUES Yeah, I'm sure. What'cha keep asking me for? UNCLE BEN It's 'bout to get ugly. The Colonel just donated you to Confederate Public Television. JACQUES He did what! UNCLE BEN Control yourself, young man. If you're gon' go to Canada, best get prepared. JACQUES Uh, dog -- not now. I still got two more days with this ... Jacques RATTLES his chain. JACQUES (CONT'D) ... spot of bother. UNCLE BEN If you're gon' go, you best roll. Them TV guys 'ill be here in the morning. Now, what'cha gon' do? JACQUES Ain't got no choice -- gotta go. UNCLE BEN I bought'cha couple'a things for the trip. Here's some Greenbacks. Uncle Ben reaches into the carpetbag. Hands Jacques a small wad of bills. JACQUES Unc, to the rescue. Unc pulls out a hacksaw. JACQUES This will definitely work. Let's deal on this cuff. Jacques prepares to cut. Unc grabs his arm. UNCLE BEN Hold on now. You ain't got time. You gots ta saw off a cuff real slow, an' easy. One slip, an' you'll tear up your ankle. An' if yer hobblin', the slavecatchers 'll be on ya like white on rice. When you're safe, then deal on it. Again, Unc reaches into the bag. Hands Jacques a derringer. UNCLE BEN Here. You can never tell when this'll come in handy. JACQUES Unc, you bad. Where'd ja get it? UNCLE BEN That's not your concern. JACQUES I appreciate what you're doing for me, but here, hold on to it. Jacques hands the gun back. UNCLE BEN What's a matter? Don't you know how to use it? JACQUES That ain't it. It's just that strong arm is not my game. If I'm gonna get over, I got to outslick these jokers. UNCLE BEN Jacques, get serious. This is America! Here, we shoot first, and ask questions later. JACQUES I hear you. But, if I'm strapped, I'll always be thinking, I've got the piece to fall back on. If I've got no fall back, it'll keep my game tight. UNCLE BEN Suit yourself. Uncle Ben puts the gun in his coat pocket. Moves closer to Jacques. UNCLE BEN You can catch the Underground Railroad in Emancipation City. Find the Sty of the Blind Pig. Ask for Kirksey. Mention my name, and he'll hook you up with the Conductor. JACQUES I appreciate this, Unc. I'll send you a postcard from Toronto. UNCLE BEN A postcard! You best send me a bottle of Yukon Jack. JACQUES I am Yukon Jacques! UNCLE BEN Don't you be conning me. You've got about six hours to daybreak. Make good use of it. Jacques takes Unc's hand. Presses Unc's palm to his (Jacques') forehead. INT. THE COLONEL'S BEDROOM - DAY. The Colonel and Anne sit in bed. Carrying breakfast trays, Uncle Ben and Jemima enter. UNCLE BEN Morning, Colonel. JEMIMA Morning, Miss Anne. Uncle Ben places his tray on the Colonel's lap. Jemima places her tray on Anne's lap. Both turn to exit. THE COLONEL Jemima, anything new I should know about? JEMIMA Well, the overseer told me that --Jack done run-off. THE COLONEL He did what! Why that shifty low-down molasses slurper and chicken thief. I'll fix his ... The Colonel grabs the bedside phone. Motions to Uncle Ben to remove the tray. Anne does the same to Jemima. Uncle Ben and Jemima exit hastily. ANNE Who you gonna call? THE COLONEL Slavecatchers! EXT. COUNTRY ROAD - DAY. Lugging his ball and the CLANKING chain, Jacques HEADS down a deserted dusty road. Passes a roadside sign: "EMANCIPATION CITY - YOU GOT A LONG-ASSED WAY TO GO." INSERT A wad of bills passes in a handshake. The shirt cuff covering one of the wrists, is fastened by a link. INT. SLAVECATCHERS' HALL - DAY. Snapping his fingers, A nattily dressed white male CROCKETT, bops in. Sees TUBBS, a suave black man. Crockett's hands form the letter "S." Tubbs answers with his own handsign, the letter "C." One by one, the other SLAVECATCHERS (four whites/one black/one Native American), four men and two women) bop in. DISPATCHER, a stocky white male, walks toward a lectern. DISPATCHER Gentlemen, Ladies ... GATES, a mangy white man, and his black partner WILLIE, rush in. DISPATCHER (CONT'D) ... please, turn your attention to the screen The Dispatcher turns on a slide projector. The first slide is the cover shot from Slaves Illustrated, the swimsuit edition. It displays CLARISSA, a beautiful black woman. Wearing a bikini and a straw hat, she has a ball and chain cuffed to her ankle. The male slavecatchers WHOOP and HOLLER. The female slavecatchers' jaws clench into tight smiles. DISPATCHER This is Clarissa. She is a body servant ... CROCKETT I got a body right here, she can serve. WHITE FEMALE SLAVECATCHER #1 For a quick snack? CROCKETT No way. I am the full meal deal. WHITE FEMALE SLAVECATCHER #2 A real feast, two beans and a tiny wiener. The slavecatchers CACKLE. DISPATCHER If y'all don't mind, I'd like to get through with this. She is a servant on the Wilkes Plantation, and we believe she is on her way to New Orleans. I'm assigning this case to Crockett and Tubbs. GATES What! How come, you see fit to give them all the good jobs, 'round here? WILLIE We're always gettin' jacked around. This ain't right. DISPATCHER Ladies -- Gents, please direct your attention to the performance board. The Dispatcher points to a chalkboard. Ranks the slavecatching teams by their efficiency. DISPATCHER (CONT'D) (to Gates and Willie) When I look at this, I see Crockett and Tubbs are the number one team. Gates and Willie are dead last. Now, as uncouth as you two turkeys are, how could I send you into the fancy houses of New Orleans looking for her? Why -- you'd scare away the clientele, and we'd lose our retainer fees. I can't let that happen. I have to do what makes the best business sense for all of us. Crockett and Tubbs primp. Shooting his cuffs, Crockett exposes a familiar set of links. They turn to Gates and Willie, shrug and smile. WILLIE This is a stick-up without a pistol. DISPATCHER Here's an assignment that just came in. A Jacques has done run-off the Colonel's plantation. A slide of Jacques on the auction block appears. FEMALE SLAVECATCHERS (O.S.) Ummmm, ummmm! BLACK FEMALE SLAVECATCHER He looks like he could take care of some of my business. CROCKETT Anyone could take care of your business. Male slavecatchers smirk. DISPATCHER Ladies! Jacques' current whereabouts are unknown, but his owner believes that the other slaves may know a little something. Gates -- Willie, since you feel you're being "jacked" around, do you think you could trouble yourselves to catch this Jack -- ass? GATES He's as good as caught. DISPATCHER That is it for today. But while you're out there, remember � (To the tune of "The Jet Song" from "West Side Story") DISPATCHER (CONT'D) When you catch slaves CROCKETT & TUBBS You'll work hard night and day From your first fugitive To your last runaway FEMALE SLAVECATCHERS When you track slaves They can run they can hide But you've got all the dogs And a gun at your side MALE SLAVECATCHERS You might hunt alone So when a slave's detected The fee's all your own So get your catch inspected And your coin collected The slavecatchers begin to file out. ALL SLAVECATCHERS The rep that you'll get Cannot ever be dissed And a notch for your belt That no slave's gonna miss ALL SLAVECATCHERS When you catch slaves You rule always INT. SLAVECATCHERS' LOCKER ROOM - DAY. Gates and Willie pack their ropes and whips. GATES When I find Jack I might use this here whip Lay the lash on his butt If he dares starts some shit INT. SLAVECATCHERS HALL ARMAMENTS - DAY. Gates is issued a gun. WILLIE I'll trap this Jack If he hides in the swamp Where he'll think that he's safe Till he's caught and he's stomped GATES & WILLIE We're gonna get Jack Of that there is no question He's got to obey The laws of the plantation And the Dixie nation EXT. COUNTRY ROAD - DAY. Gates and Willie swagger down the road. GATES Draggin' him back We can fill him with fear Talk of pain from the whip WILLIE Or the loss of an ear The Colonel will say Boy, the thrashin' you'll get If I wasn't so kind I would sure stretch your neck GATES He'll tell all his slaves Keep totin' and a liftin' Till you're lyin' in graves You'll be sugarcane cuttin' And cotton pickin' WILLIE That will uphold (Yeah!) The slavecatchers' code To catch every last slave On the underground road GATES & WILLIE On the north rolling Underground railroad EXT. COUNTRY ROAD - DAY. Jacques passes a sign: "EMANCIPATION CITY - KEEP ON STEPPING." INT. THE COLONEL'S OFFICE - DAY. Holding a phone, the Colonel leans back in his chair. THE COLONEL ... as long as the English buy our cotton, I don't care. The Colonel hangs up. Gates and Willie stand in front of the Colonel's desk. GATES Sir, would you mind if I ask you a few questions? THE COLONEL Proceed. Carrying a tray with refreshments, Uncle Ben enters. GATES How long have ya had this here, Jack? THE COLONEL Oh 'bout, three years. Bought him at auction in New Orleans. Uncle Ben exits.
Copyright © 1999 David Trotman |