The Ironic Sidestep And The Fade Away
Angel Obregon

 

THE GENTLEMAN LOSER: An upper East Side candy store full of
foreign fashion magazines ABE, the proprietor. ELI, ARIEL, IGOR
AND ETHAN are playing a video game: 4-handed parachute chess.
It's the Chinese variant with a river running down the middle of the
board, elephants that cant cross the river and mandarins who cant
leave the palace. It makes even less sense than Australian football.

ETHAN walks away from the group and starts reading the Brazilian edition
of VOGUE. He's an ad man and he's walking his wife's poodle. The dog is
the only one with any human dignity.

ELI
What's wrong now?

ETHAN
I'm out this round.

ELI
We're winning. like always.
You need a rest from winning?

ETHAN
Let it be worse, only different.

ARIEL
I stopped a fight in Eamon Doran's.

ELI
That doesn't sound like you.

ARIEL
Yeah, I pushed them apart and yell: I've seen enough of this
to last me all my life. The nice part is being able to scream
about how sensitive I am and have everybody listen.

ETHAN
How can you find that funny?

ELI
He's a criminal.

ETHAN
You know, I think every place should have its share of
New York people, with a biting come back for every line,
reeling through the streets with these crazy ideas in
their heads. I think everyplace should have a few of
them. It's just an entire city full of them that I object to.

ELI shrugs.

ARIEL
Dont ask him or he'll explain.

ELI
Any business?

ARIEL
No, look, you got to get something besides those
fucking Indonesian laptops.

ELI
I dont know like what. You'd know like what better than
I would, but that clown I beat up in here is the only one
I didn't ask if he wanted to buy a laptop.

IGOR
That was beautiful, you didn't even get your knuckles cut.

A COP walks in to buy cigarettes. Conversation stops.
HE looks at THE PLAYERS. THEY look at HIM.

COP
How's the sporting life?

ELI
You dont want to know that, you'd have
to make out the forms in triplicate.

COP
Whadyado?, Guys And Dolls in summer stock?

He leaves.

ETHAN
See, that's what I mean. If The Creature From The
Black Lagoon walked in here, even he'd have some
smart-ass remark to make.

ELI
Shutup and read your picture book.

ARIEL
I got 2 orders for diamond stud ear rings, Tiffany settings.

ELI
I dont know.

ARIEL
Why not?

ELI
She's got to get it checked out by another dealer who
asks her how much she paid for it. You make a lot of
enemies selling diamonds. Watches are better. Americans
got this tremendous prejudice against 2nd hand machines.
A computer, like a car, as soon as you buy it, it's value
drops 1/2. I get you a Toshiba or Mitsubishi, an IBM top
of the line, 1/3 the price.

ARIEL
Breathe deep and try to relax, I cant sell any more
of those fucking Indonesian laptops.

ETHAN
What are you doing?

ARIEL
Selling fake IBMs.

ETHAN
How tiresome.

ARIEL
At least it's portable. It beats carrying a
100 lb TV set across town to make $50.

ETHAN
I mean, it's beneath you.

ARIEL
For a man too lazy to work and too frightened
to steal, it's a good solution.

ETHAN
You know, after a while, all these one liners sound alike.
I think it's the rhythm. It's putting me to sleep.

A HIGH FASHION GIRL is buying a stack of foreign fashion magazines.
The bill comes $146.95. SHE hands ABE $150. He makes a show of
counting the change.

THE PLAYERS study the transaction reverently. THE GIRL does a few
more pieces of stage business, conscious of being watched. There
is a painful silence. ARIEL tries to turn the mood around.

ARIEL
There's this girl, she studies design at F.I.T. There's
this fashion show at the end of the term, but she
couldn't show her thing because the Fire Department
said it was too dangerous. SHE designed this swimsuit
with consisted of a glass venetian blind front and back
and if the model tripped and fell down, she might have
killed herself.

ELI
You need some Quaaludes.

ARIEL
What for?

ELI
So, when you meet someone like that,
you can say: Have some 'ludes?

ARIEL
(to ETHAN)
You want some 'ludes? Give him a Quaalude.

ETHAN
I dont want a Quaalude.

ELI
I know, but will you settle for it?

ETHAN
NO!

ARIEL
Look, friend, if you want to be a winner---which I think
shows vulgar and ostentatious taste on your part---dont
hang out with losers.

ELI
So, you want to buy a laptop or not?

ARIEL
And better than the original.

ETHAN
What?

ELI
For 1500 I give you a fake IBM laptop better
than the original which is 5500 plus tax.            

ETHAN
Bullshit.

ELI
Naw, the IBM chip is junk. It's like Prada or Gucci,
it's overpriced because it's a uniform. It's worth
$500 and I sell it you for that.

ETHAN
What am I doing here?

ARIEL
And good riddance.

ELI
Let's got to the meat rack.

ETHAN
Ah, they're all whores.

ELI
Oh, you stick some coke up they nose
and they go with you.

ETHAN
It's still disgusting.

ARIEL
What? We're not?

ELI
Like when I was merchandising this collection of Ashanti
gold weights I had acquired. These little stick figure
statuettes they use for weighing out he gold. There was
a proverb scratched on one of them. It said: God made
the snake to crawl on his belly, but sometimes God lends
him wings: when he gets to eat a bird.

SILENCE. A FINAL SILENCE.

ETHAN
You know, with 10 years of intensive psychotherapy,
you could work your way up to being a degenerate.

ELI
Really?

ETHAN
Really!

ARIEL
Really? Victoria, Queen of the Roller Derby, tells me
your idea of a big evening is getting sucked off looking
at 1960's girdle ads on the InterNet.

ETHAN
I'm sorry you said that, it doesn't leave me but one thing to do.

ARIEL
What's that?

ETHAN
Cut your throat.

The umbrella HE's carrying turns out to be a swordcane.

ARIEL
Dont do that.

ETHAN
Why not?

ELI
That's a 1000.

ETHAN
What?

ELI
$50 a point and knights are worth double in
a closed game., $250 a gam and double again
for 4 queens.

ETHAN
You shouldn't lay this shit on your friends,
you know?

ARIEL
Oh, I know, but I'm a little depressed
and I enjoy taking it out on you.

AN ELEGANT WELL GROOMED OLDER WOMAN is at the counter
buying tampons in a cool pastel box. SHE gives THE PLAYERS
a haughty amused glance, a look that says she would be attainable
if only they had the courage.   

ELI
She's flirting, what are you?, paralysed?

ETHAN
I'm beginning to understand how a man
can be driven to murder.

ARIEL
Do it!, we'll cover for you, we'll give you
an alibi. Just do it! something! anything!

ELI
I found out who's making the fakes.
IBM is making fake IBMs.

ARIEL
How does that happen?

ELI
Like Gucci and Chanel putting their name on soap,
on pantyhose, to work the mass market, IBM is
making their own fakes so they can work the low
end of the market at the same time without
blurring their image.

ARIEL
How do you know?

ELI
The last shipment came through with service warranties.

ARIEL
Oh, that's cute, if we got nailed for this and they're doing
it to themselves. It would be a Nuremburg trial up there.
We'd be up there screaming: But I was not responsible,
I was only following orders.

ELI
Oh, would that be an ass fucking. I'd get
the Vaseline out right in the courtroom.   

ETHAN
Dont talk like that.

ELI
What now? Why not?

ETHAN
It's a bad influence on Igor.

IGOR
That's why I'm here. Just like Leningrad.

ETHAN
They call it St. Petersburg now.

IGOR
To me will always be Leningrad.

ETHAN
You're wasting all the chances you're ever going
to have playing that fucking E-mail chess.

IGOR
Chances, I dont want chances, I want control.

ETHAN
He's even beginning to sound like you.
You want him to turn out like you.

ARIEL
Look, friend, if you want to be an authority figure,
try it on someone with respect for authority.

ETHAN
That's what I'm trying to tell him.

ARIEL
And he's ignoring you.

ETHAN
He ought to get some kind of education if wants
to do something with his life.

ARIEL
That's another generation, another age, another
culture. That train is gone.

IGOR
School, it keeps you off the job market for a
few years longer. For what?

ETHAN
You repeat every word he says?

IGOR
We happen to agree.

ETHAN
I dont know what to say if it isn't self evident that
going to school isn't better than playing chess.

ARIEL
It's elf evident alright, it just isn't true. The one thing
I learned in grad school was the willing suspension of
disbelief. I could have stayed stoned all those years
and things couldn't have turned out any worse.

ETHAN
So it didn't work for you.

ARIEL
Who does it work for? Whom? Who? 1 in a 100,
1 in a 1000? It's a lottery like everything else.
Everyone I know broke their hearts, getting fired
from job to job, trying to make a deal, any kind
of a deal with a system that just didn't want them
on any terms.

ETHAN
Look, if you follow his argument.

ARIEL
At least, I've got an argument, not just the party line.

At this point EL GRANDE PENDEJO enters the candy store, a nasty
drunk from the Irish bar next door. He's a big man, fat and florid, but
powerfully built. His elbows are gigantic and at eye level. He's 28.
Drinking makes him look much older. He's bald and wearing a red
wig. HE pushes ARIEL aside.

ARIEL
Dont push me!
(softer, almost apologetic)
I'm trying to get out of you way.

EL GRANDE turns on HIM with delight. ETHAN runs for it with
galloping poodle. The other PLAYERS freeze in a casual pose,
attentive and relaxed, waiting for the inevitable. EL GRANDE
starts a tirade, no one else makes a sound. ABE tries to move
between them. HE speaks to EL GRANDE inaudibly and tries
to ease HIM outside. THE PLAYERS stand, bored and patient.

EL GRANDE
Hey, now...alright...outside...come on outside...
dont raise your hands to me...put your hands
down or you're going to get hit...Alright.......
Outside.

ABE is making progress pushing EL GRANDE toward the door.

ARIEL
I have no quarrel with you.

EL GRANDE
No, I have a quarrel with you.

and HE comes bouncing back.

ARIEL
If necessary, I can fight like one possessed.

THE PLAYERS cheer and clap.

EL GRANDE
You're scum! You're filth! You're scum!

EL GRANDE turns to go. HE's almost out the door.

ARIEL
Who was all of that?

and EL GRANDE comes charging back.

EL GRANDE
I'll show you who that was.

TIME OUT: I am looking at 5 single-spaced, wonderfully literate
pages choreographing the fight in detail. On the other hand,
no one reads stage directions anyway so, the hell with it.

THE SHORT VERSION is that the fight spills out onto the sidewalk,
ARIEL grabs a brick off the newspaper rack. HE settles himself
carefully and takes a full roundhouse swing with the brick smashing
the full length of his opponent's jaw. Blood and teeth explode out
of the mouth like sparks from a firework at the top of its arc.
EL GRANDE falls over like a ketchup bottle. (See: literate, like
I told you.) and EL GRANDE's wig flies off. ARIEL throws the
brick back on the rack. ABE slouches out cursing and mumbling
to himself.

ABE
Dont put that on the papers. It's got
blood all over it. How are my going to
sell that paper now? You got no fucking
consideration.

HE grabs EL GRANDE's feet and
drags HIM from in front of the store.

You dont pay for the soda, you steal the
magazines for your girl friends. No fucking
consideration, You gamble night and day,
the place is going to get raided, you throw
cigarette butts on the floor, you stare and
scratch your crotch when a model walks in,   
I got $37 fashion magazines sitting there,
Linea Italiana, the Russian edition of Harper's
Bazaar---lot of ballet girls and gymnasts and
the men wear their hair too long, but other
than that it's exactly the same--- sitting there.
If you didn't steal it, it's sitting there cause
the models dont want it if they have to look
at you too.

You show me any consideration?
You dont show me any consideration.

So you put $500 a day into the machines.
That goes to the Mafia, not to me.

You could show me some consideration.

ABE disappears into the wings

ARIEL
I forgot to ask him if he wanted to buy a laptop.
Am I bleeding?

ELI
How could you be bleeding.
He never got near you.

ARIEL
You never feel it at the time...
There's blood all over me.

IGOR
There's blood all over us too.
You got him good.
It was me found your glasses for you.

ARIEL
Any one got a pocket mirror?

ELI
No.                

IGOR
Use the glass.

ARIEL looks at his reflection in
the glass front of the cigar case.

ARIEL
As near as I can make out,
there's not a mark on me.

IGOR
There's a little thing at the corner of you mouth,
yeah, on the right.   

ELI
No, that's vitamin C deficiency.

ARIEL
All I gotta do is come home with a mark from
street fight and my girl friend will kill me.

ETHAN re-enters with poodle.

ETHAN
What happened? I ran for it.
When I saw the blood,
I thought you were dead.

ARIEL
Well, I dont want to make a list
of the mistakes I made.

ELI
Mistakes you made!

ARIEL
I made it more complicated than it was.
If he hadn't been a complete meatball,
I could have been in trouble.

IGOR
You mean it took you 3 moves instead of 2?

ARIEL
I mean I gave him some chances I didn't have to.
Like letting him get up, that was just plain showing off.

ELI
So you acted civilized, I'm impressed.

ETHAN
I was afraid he'd all on my dog. If he comes back...

ELI
He's not coming back.

ETHAN
All he had to do was touch my dog and
I would have torn his head off.

ARIEL
He's not coming back.

IGOR
He knows he's in for a fight, so he's not coming back.

ETHAN takes a copy of INTERVIEW
off the magazine rack and rolls it into a club.

ETHAN
I'd give him this right in the stomach.

ARIEL
It's alright, we approve of you, give it a rest.

In walks CANDY, THE CANNIBAL QUEEN.
The whores of ancient Phoenicia wore lipstick
to signal that they performed fellatio.
On CANDY the message is clear.
Her entire face seems made up for it
and she has braids sticking out
of her head like handle bars.

SHE is sucking on a popsicle in a way
I'm too embarrassed to describe.

CANDY
I'm Candy.

ARIEL
Yes, of course, you are.

CANDY
Go on, say it.

ELI
I dont believe this.

CANDY
Say it!

ARIEL
If I wanted to buy your love,
how much would that come to?

CANDY
$50

ARIEL
For how long?

CANDY
An hour.

ARIEL
An hour?, you're going to work that long?

CANDY
I like to.

SHE does things to her popsicle.
ARIEL passes a hand in front of his eyes.
Clearly, he's feeling faint.

ETHAN
Come now, dont show the white feather
in front of the natives.

CANDY
SAY IT!

ARIEL
Would you like some coke? Men like to pretend
that they're not paying for it. May I give you some
coke instead?

ELI
I dont believe this.

CANDY
Do you have any downs? ludes, seconal,
Valium? I can do a Valium anytime.

ARIEL
Do we have any downs? I guess not.
Ah..well..next time.

CANDY
You could buy my ring for $50 and
then give it to me as a present.

ELI
Ask her if she wants a laptop!

SHE tugs at the ring

CANDY
Oh hell, it wont come off.

IGOR
Wait a minute, I'll give her $50, but
where am I going to take her.

ETHAN
Take her to that motel in Queens
they're always advertising over RVR.

ABE
Naw, take her to the one in Jersey
just off the turnpike.

CANDY is grinning good naturedly.

ELI
No, take her to the Hilton and
use a phony credit card.

ETHAN
Take her into the men's room at the Silver Star.

ELI
Take her to my place, I charge you
a tenski for an hour.

ABE
Take her into the phone booth for chrissake.

IGOR AND CANDY wad themselves into the phone booth
and, after several tries, manage to close the door. SHE
kneels and only the top half of IGOR's body is visible.

HE flops about with his face pressed against the glass.
It has an aquarium quality. HE makes the appropriate
absurd noises. Strangely, they become more intelligible,
A chanting of short high pitched words.

HE asks her to use her tongue and follows the request
with a full throated scream. It breaks into a gargling sob
and HE begins to chant the 10,000 names of God, but
more softly until he becomes inaudible. HE twitches
mechanically.

ELI
I suppose that means he's out of the next game.

                    ELI (continuing)
I'll play you one round of double 2-handed
bughouse with a triple bonus for 4 queens.

ARIEL
I dont gamble.

ELI
One game is pure chance.

ARIEL
I dont gamble.

ELI
Why not?, you're here enough.

ARIEL
Isn't it nice to have one associate who
doesn't enjoy taking chances?

ELI
Well, yeah.

ETHAN
So, that leaves you and me.

ELI
The hustlers hustling each other It's come
to this? Not yet!, not by me, it hasn't.

ETHAN
Goodnight, take care, gentlemen.

HE leaves but comes scampering back
with galloping poodle.

HE's BACK!!

EL GRANDE enters hobbling slowly. One eye hangs out
of the socket like in a horror comic book. HE's holding
an uprooted parking meter and swinging it like a club.

HE is jubilantly homicidal, but fading fast. Behind the glass
of the phone booth IGOR crosses himself in the Russian
orthodox style. CANDY peeps out between his legs.

ETHAN takes a copy of Working Woman off the shelf and
begins to roll it into a club. As HE does, the magazine
flutters open and HE sees an article that attracts his attention.
HE retreats into a corner and begins to read. ABE crawls
competently behind the counter and disappears.

ARIEL
Alright, best 2 out of 3.

HE opens his right hand. ELI puts a brick in it.

More choreography. I hope stage fighting isn't a lost art,
but special effects have made it an obsolete trade.
Anyway, EL GRANDE is beaten so hard that pieces
of meat are flying off. Every bone is broken, HIS body
barely hangs together.

EL GRANDE
Will you stand there and see me murdered?

ETHAN
I'm not just standing here, I'm having
a catharsis like a bat out of Hell.

EL GRANDE
My soul!

ETHAN leaps forward and hits EL GRANDE a full round
house swing in the adam's apple with a folding copy of
the Paris edition of Vogue.

ETHAN
Fashion is prayer!

HIS thyroid cartilage shattered, EL GRANDE falls over dead.

Posed as if for a formal photograph, looking stiff and slightly
embarrassed, but obviously please with themselves are
THE PLAYERS:

Back Row: ELI, IGOR, ETHAN AND CANDY all smiling

Front Row: ARIEL AND EL GRANDE squatting with their arms around
each other and grinning.

Back to the play. ABE grabs El GRANDE's feet and
drags HIM off the set one last time.

ARIEL looks around suddenly. A CROWD has collected
This is not the usual bored crowd that stops for a moment
to watch a street fight. Cars have stopped. Traffic is locked.
People are sitting on fenders the length of the block and
they have the look of being comfortably settled in for the
night.

THIS IS SHOW ON THE VIDEO SCREENS
OF THE GAME MACHINE.

ARIEL has an inspiration.

ARIEL
Well, now that you're all here, we're going
to have a reading of a 1-act play I wrote and
it's very nice and I know you'll like it.

HE drags ELI AND ETHAN out of the candy store, hands
THEM scripts from out of his shoulder bag and begins a
cold reading.

The scene: Funeral games of L. Aemilius Paulus,
180 BC, 593 in the Roman calendar.

HE points to ETHAN

1st gladiator, a retairius, he fights with
a dagger and a net.

HE points to ELI

2nd gladiator, a secutor, he fights in half
armor with a sword and shield. They're
in a cellar under the Circus Maximus.
THEY have an hour to wait.

2ND
How long?

1ST
3 tiers of shadow.

2ND
Terence played to an empty house last night.

1ST
How do you know?

2ND
The A&R man told me. Being outside
he talks to the door men.

1ST
Sounds true. He's over 25 and out of fashion.

2ND
So he opens on the 1st day of the games?

1ST

This way, if he plays to an empty house,
he's got an excuse.

2ND
He cant compete with us. We got Oedipus Rex
out there. It's got eye gouging and everything.

1ST
It's getting so bad, even the fans are catching on.

2ND
Alright, there's no bright dialogue, but morality
is action. The sets and costumes are fantastic.

1ST
It's slapstick, the crowd comes to see blood
and skill can only postpone that.

2ND
I'm glad I'm not an intellectual like you.
You get so you cant enjoy life anymore.

1ST
Let's not talk for a while, alright?

2ND
They say the pair out there are really mother and son.

1ST
They always says that.

2ND
You know the part I like best?

ARIEL
You can stop now, they're all gone.

THE CHARACTERS revert

IGOR
I like it, I really did.

ELI
Maybe, we should start another fight.

ARIEL
If I think about that crowd long enough, I can cry.

ELI
If you sing loud enough, you can fly?

ARIEL
A very reasonable point of view.

IGOR
I liked it, I really did.

ARIEL
Thankyou.

IGOR
But a fight they know is going to be over in a few
seconds. If it had lasted, you know, 5 minutes,
they'd have left to.

CANDY
I liked it.

ARIEL
Thankyou.

ETHAN
You know, they ought to use you for riot control.
Next time 10,000 friends of BAI are out protesting
a nuclear meltdown, all the SWAT team has to do
is put you down in front of the crowd to say "Now
that you're all here, we're going to have a reading
of a one act play I wrote and it's very nice" and
they all run for they're lives.

ARIEL
I knew there was some way of making money out of this.

ELI
Look, Dummy, next time you get a crowd like that.

ARIEL
Ask them if they want to buy an Indonesian laptop.

ETHAN
What's the message?

ARIEL
Message? We dont got to show you no stinking message.

ETHAN
Well, I believe that all great art has a message.

ARIEL
I'm glad you think it's great art. In that case, there is a
message and just because I know what it is, doesn't
mean it isn't there, Virginia.

ETHAN
Good night, gentlemen.

ARIEL
You move an inch and I'll cripple you.

ETHAN
I have to get up early.

ARIEL
I know a woman says she knows you, a 6 ft.
red headed woman from Kentucky.

ETHAN
Oh my God, I thought she was dead.
She had cancer of the cervix.

ELI
Whadhedo to her?

ARIEL
She did it to him.

ETHAN
Please dont feel it necessary to go into detail.
I'd rather hear the end of the play.

ELI
Alright, but van we skip ahead a little,
this is kind of static.                

ARIEL flips through the pages and reads.

ARIEL
A black dog walks slowly across the stage. It is a
big friendly dog. It has a human arm in its mouth.
The arm had been chopped off just below the elbow.
It is a muscular arm, heavily tattooed with metallic
pigments that glint red and blue in the light and
protected by a cage of leather straps. The straps
are covered with brass studs and decorated with
parrot feathers. The hand has a large gold ring
on the forefinger. THE 1ST GLADIATOR attracts
the dog and slips the ring from the finger. It wont
come off. HE cuts off the finger. The dog exits.
THE 2ND GLADIATOR stares after it in silence.

ELI
That's more like it, yeah, sure.

2ND
You like Terence, you like his plays?

1ST
I've only seen one.

2ND
You like it?

1ST
If no one gets killed they call it a comedy. The actors
are standing there waiting for laughs that didn't happen
because the crowd left to watch a tight rope act at the
circus next door.

2ND
At least here if you miss a cue, you get killed, which
doesn't hold up the action any so it doesn't matter.

1ST
Sometimes you talk sense.

2ND
They ought to try that here, killing an actor if he
misses a cue. They'd have to keep changing
the play as they killed off the actors. No one
would notice. No that's the good part I'd
like to be an actor. You dont get killed.

1ST
Yeah, but you dont work steady.

A COP enters on a motorcycle. HE dismounts.
All the characters revert.

COP
You're the regulars here, right? This dude
comes on the set and started trouble, is
that correct.

ETHAN
That is precisely what happened, officer.

COP
And he came at you with a brick, is that correct?

ARIEL
Yes, officer, that is correct.

COP
Alright, it's self defense, but dont make a
habit of it. Understand?

ARIEL
Yes, officer.

COP
Yeah, Abe, I'm going to have to take
these bricks in as evidence.

ABE
You are not taking the fucking bricks for fucking
evidence. I need the fucking bricks to hold down
the fucking papers. You are not taking the fucking
bricks.

COP
You can get new bricks tomorrow.

ABE
I need the fucking bricks right now.
You are not taking the fucking bricks.

COP
Abe, violent crime is an inconvenience to everyone.

ABE
You're not taking the fucking bricks. Whadya doin?
building a bookcase? You're not taking the fucking
bricks.

COP
Abe, look...

ABE
You are not taking the fucking bricks.

COP
(to ARIEL)
I'm afraid I'm going to have to take you in.

ARIEL signals to ELI and IGOR. THEY start reading the play again.
THE COP looks puzzled then irritated, then desperate. HE runs for it.

ARIEL
(reading)
Sounds from outside, crowd roar then applause
and laughter, but it happens much to quickly.

1ST
That didn't sound right.

2ND
Let me up.

HE gets up on the 1ST's shoulders to look through
a high iron grating.

Morning and the evening star.
They shouldn't do that.

1ST
Who's winning?, the morning or the evening star?

2ND
Look at that.

1ST
Get down, I'll get up and look at it.
(HE does)
You're not helping me much.

2ND
I'm not trying to help you. I'm trying to help myself.
You should have taken your clogs off first.

1ST
(looks through the grate)
That's not good.

2ND
It's bad.

1ST
It's very bad indeed.

2ND
They still at it?

1ST
Not the same ones, no.

2ND
You alright? Mother, who are they?

1ST
Gauls, I think. The hair is all
different colors.

2ND
Hair?

1ST
Hair. Their hair.

2ND
They didn't have any heads.

1ST
The heads are in the blood gutters.
The hair is all different colors

2ND
They were running this way.

1ST
Seeing how far they could run with
their heads cut off.

2ND
Nice of them.

1ST
Anything for a start in the theater..

ARIEL
(reading)
Sounds outside: Sobbing screams and Mexican march
music, a prolonged succession of dull thuds.

Sound effects increase. Schmaltzy Cecil B. Demille
background music. A thin brittle scream that ends
abruptly in a low liquid mumble. There is a huge
sigh from the crowd. Laughter and applause.

A face appears at the window screaming.
He hangs on to the grating with both hands,
Someone tries to break his grip, gives up
then chops his arms off.

2ND
Now what?

ARIEL
Painted blue and shot full of cocaine, naked on roller
skates swinging 1 handed swords. The opposing
line in blond wigs on skates boards, holding scythes.

ELI
I like the classic motif there.

ARIEL
Bodies swept away by elephants pushing snow
plows. Next wave: Naked, heads padlocked into
closed helmets. No openings except for a few
air holes at the top. They advance in an open spiral,
swinging their swords blind.

ELI
And they say you got no class. Tarantino, Hah!

ARIEL
Opposing line: Bald legless men with something to
prove in sail driven wheelchairs. No survivors, of
course. Secutors on 2-man vaudeville horses.

THE COP re-enters. HE lines back on his cycle like it was a
lounge chair. HE's eating a Big Ma and drinking a Diet Coke.
All the characters revert.

ELI
You ought to stop pumping that junk into
yourself. It'll kill you.

COP
No, it gets to my intestines.

ARIEL
Na!, really?

COP
Yeah, maybe people who dont ride a motorcycle
dont mind so much not having a natural bowel
movement.

ARIEL
I've known a lot of bikers, but they never mentioned
that. It's nice to finally hear the truth.

COP
Also, it makes the hairs in your nose grow a 1000
times as fast. They dont tell you that. You have
to clip them every day.

ARIEL
The wind.

COP
Yeah, and you get huge steelwooly
eyebrows and long floppy lashes.

ARIEL
Long lashes are nice.

COP
Except they get all tangled up. They lock
bumpers with your eyebrows and then you
cant blink.

ARIEL
That's terrible.

COP
They dont tell you that when you buy a cycle.

ARIEL
You mind if we go on?

COP
Oh, no, that's why I came back.
I want to hear how it ends.

ETHAN
Me too, could you skip another 20 or 30 pages.

ARIEL
Noises outside: Medieval program music like
the Play of Daniel with lots of trumpets and
cymbals, elephants trumpeting, song of the
humpback whale, buffalo stampeding, canned
laughter and applause.

1ST
That's a hard act to follow.

2ND
I'm going to die.

1ST
You just figured that out? You know, dim as you
are, you're lucky to have any job at all.

2ND
I dont mean that. I'm going to die this
afternoon. It just came to me.

1ST
How do you know you're fighting Masked
Marvel and Skin Condition?

2ND
That woman. In white satin. You know, the one
with the pointy hairdo with the bells in it. She said
that if I, well, she said she could sneak a peek at
the lists.

1ST
Oh.

2ND
She's a shit-freak, you know that?

1ST
She came to the right place.

2ND
He's late.

1ST
He's always late, so he's not late.

2ND
We're almost on and the lists aren't up yet.

1ST
You said that.

2ND
I'm going to die.

1ST
You said that too.

2ND
You figure she lied to me? Pointy head
with the bells, could she lie to me?

1ST
Yeah, she could lie to you. Everyone lies all
the time, just to let you know they're there, just
to get a piece of something...The A&R man's
coming.

2ND
Took him long enough. Those are the chariot
races for tomorrow. He should do those last.
No wait, she did lie to me. Green, that's me
against ...green. I'm fighting you.

1ST
I know.

THEY close the scripts, the characters revert.       

COP
It's over? That's all? That's the whole thing?

ARIEL
Yeah.

COP
What was it about?

ARIEL
All of us.

COP
Yeah?

ARIEL
Yeah.

COP
Then why did they talk so funny?

ARIEL
Forget it.

COP
That's for sure.

EL GRANDE PENDEJO enters carrying a .44 magnum.
THE PLAYERS watch with interest. ARIEL points at
it and chuckles.

ARIEL
I know what Dr. Freud would say about that.

EL GRANDE
It sucks. It develops no sense of empathy for the
characters. All that yadda yadda ping-pong bright
dialogue shit, that's nothing, that's nowhere. Besides
which, it's unrealistic. It's not a significant dramatic
experience like ELEPHANT MAN.

ARIEL
What do you mean by 'significant'?

EL GRANDE
I'm going to shoot you.

ARIEL
That wont help.

EL GRANDE
Yes it will.

ARIEL
The problem is that you've been publicly humiliated..

EL GRANDE
You have it precisely. That's why I'm going to shoot you.

ARIEL
But shooting me wont change that. Only I can change that.
I cant change the past, but I can change what it means.

EL GRANDE       
That's what my analyst said just before I shot him.
How you going to change it.

ARIEL
We go into Flanagan's and tell them it was just
a stunt to draw a crowd for the play.

EL GRANDE
What about this?...And this?
(HE points to his wounds)

ARIEL
That just proves how tough you are.
How much you'll go through to help a friend.
We had to make it look realistic, right?
We'll explain that to them,
to everyone in Flanagan's
That it was a stuntman thing
and it proves how tough you really are.

EL GRANDE
Yeah, it does. We'll explain that to them.

ARIEL
Just like Burt Reynolds.

EL GRANDE
Yeah, come on, I'll buy you a drink.

ARIEL
And I'll buy you one.

THEY exit.

ELI
One more game.

ETHAN
One.

They walk back to the machine and begin to play.

END OF THE GAMES

and for $10more, I'll throw in
the redeeming social significance.

 

Copyright � 1999 Angel Obregon
Published on the World Wide Web by "www.storymania.com"