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Your Little God Is Pooh And Creepy Too
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Your Little God Is Pooh And Creepy Too
Only the innocent find salvation. In the run up to the revelation the kids of St Crispin's Middle School are introduced to their own little salvations.

PS I know Buddha was not a god, it's creative license!
[1,442 words]
[March 2004]
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Your Little God Is Pooh And Creepy Too

It must have been about my third week at St. Crispin's Middle School. I remember complaining bitterly to my mother that weekend about the unfairness of it all.

I got scant sympathy. The matter I was complaining about was just an insignificant part of the strangeness that was tearing the adults' world apart in those early days leading to the second big bang and before the revelation. Every certainty, every rule, every scientific fact, every universal law was being torn from them and they had no idea, when the last faint illusions blew away, what would be revealed. Most of them clung to their daily routines because they did not know what else to do.

We kids took it all in our stride of course. That was just the way the world was. And what it was, just then, I wailed, was SO UNFAIR. Most of the other kids had proper little gods. All I had, pointing to Buddy whom I had previously loved dearly, was that fat little man in a nappy. Buddy showed no sense of insult. He just floated there in mid air, a slightly transparent Buddha about 18 inches high in his customary lotus position. As always he smiled serenely. Serene was all he did. Occasionally he would look up and smile serenely at me. On a very few occasions he opened his hands in a world encompassing, serene gesture. Mostly he just sat in lotus position looking serene.

Jason had a Pan. It made him the most popular kid in the class. Jason's Pan, usually drunkenly egged on by Krita's bloated little Bachus with its veiny red nose, would taunt Miss Akram something awful. It would sit on the little chalk shelf below the blackboard fondling its disproportionately large willy or perch on her desk and waggle its goaty bottom at her, the hairy cheeks held open with two cloven hooves to afford a better view of its wrinkly fundament. Poor Miss Akram. A devout Muslim, she did not last long, unable to cope with the salaciousness or the implied idolatry of the things she desperately pretended not to see. I heard much later she had had a breakdown. Lots of adults did then. We did not learn much in school in those days, but then it hardly mattered any more, nothing did.

Kelly had a Zeus. Zeus was darn good at Miss Akram baiting too. Aaron had brought his rabbit Kylie in to show us that day. Miss Akram was explaining how rabbits play a part in the food chain when Zeus descended in a yellow shower ("that's piddle that is" said the uncouth David West), materialised into a buck rabbit and had knowledge of Kylie in front of the entire class. "Please Miss, what's it doing?" Miss Akram was crimson. "It's er er scratching its back for it because it was itching" It didn't half scratch quickly. Learned later that Kylie was actually a he, but Zeus was not the sort to be too concerned about that. Kylie gave birth to identical twins, a raven and a small hat-stand named Clarence. There was little sense left in the world even in those early days of the end.

Nearly all the other kids had proper little gods. Ahmed's Loki was brilliant too, always playing nasty little tricks on Miss Akram and hiding her chalk. Peter H had a hideous looking Kali; her and Sandy's equally ferocious Shiva were always fighting, hacking bits off each other with swords in a way we found endlessly fascinating. Falon's Jahweh was awesome on the few occasions it appeared. Always somewhere high up, from which it dispensed its wrath in tiny thunderbolts. We all escaped the Geography SATS test when it inflicted the exam papers with a plague of boils. Some kids had little gods that nobody could identify but they all looked decent or did something interesting.

It was only me and George that had rotten little gods. "Do you know why your god always looks like that?" demanded Ray. "My mum says it's because he's serene and is at peace with the universe" I tried. "No it isn't. Your god looks like that because he's busy POOING into his nappy!" They were all laughing at me and I was near to tears again.

Only George had it worse. At least Buddy just sat there. George's Jesus was more active. Instead of a serene smile it had a perpetual look of love on its little bearded face. Whenever some kid got upset about something, Jesus would float over and lay a hand on their shoulder or arm and gaze at them with an expression of love. The verdict was unanimously scathing. "Your god is GAY". "It's like one of them pervy blokes mum warned me of" opined Kelly, "them that wants to look at your knickers". Some of the other boys had already looked at Kelly's knickers in the little place behind the skip that we weren't supposed to go. Boys with crap gods had no chance. Looking back I think that was the greatest injustice of all.

I am ashamed to say that in a desperate attempt to be one of the majority I joined in the condemnation of George's little Jesus. "It's really creepy" I said "at least mine doesn't want to look at girls' knickers". It did not bring me the included status I desperately wanted. "Oh yes it does" shrilled Kelly "It's thinking of girls' knickers right now, and boys' pants too. It's just too busy at the moment POOING into its nappy to do anything about it!"

So me and George were outcasts and it threw us on each other's company. We would skulk around the edge of the playground, careful not to go too near the chuckling abyss that went in every direction but orange, and play lonely little games of tag. We talked of our welcome back into the fold when our gods would do something interesting that was not creepy or pervy or poohy. We indulged little fantasies about how Buddy and Jes would do something brave and save us all from a horrible fate so the others would all say how marvellous they really were and Kelly would show us her knickers.

In time the situation would have been resolved but those were not normal times and time itself was no longer normal. The adults went mad in increasing numbers. There were no places left in psychiatric hospitals; they had filled up early when concepts like full and empty meant something. The grown ups saw every certainty they had believed and trusted in torn up and they could not cope. In those last days before the revelation you could count your fingers and then count again and no longer get the same result nor even be sure if they were the same fingers nor even what and where your fingers were, nor even if fingers existed.

Us kids didn't care so much, we couldn't count too well anyhow. For us kids to begin with, as long as we could still go home to our parents and have our tea and watch Sponge Bob Square Pants on TV it was enough. When you are very young and so much in life is still strange a little more strangeness makes no difference. After a while none of us had homes to return to. There were no teachers now. In some way we did not understand we were cared for. There at St. Crispin's Middle School formerly on Westgate Hill in Crawley. We played and sat in our classrooms. In the evenings we would wander forlornly to the school gates and gaze out through the railings to see only ourselves gazing out. Nobody came.

The revelation was only for us children and came soon after that. I was in an infinite space filled with the presence of my Buddha and felt at peace. Were the others with their own little gods now grown to encompass a whole universe? I knew it was so. I knew only children had the innocence, the open mindedness to accept the way that things really were and in so doing to create their own future. Only children could be totally honest.

I felt enveloped by the Buddha. I felt his serenity. I smelt... The Buddha shuddered and opened his eyes. "Sorry to have ignored you love", he said "but I have been somewhat preocccupied of late with having this most enormous dump in my nappy". His hand crept into my pants.

Far away a booming laugh like a roll of thunder. The laugh of a Zeus. Beneath it the voice of a common Crawley girl.

"Told you so" said Kelly.



"This story is all over the board man. The Big bang, the revelation and them you add the part about drinking tea and watching Sponge Bob Square Pants, not to mention a buddha who suffers from incontinence! Are any of those things related in any way? no. I have to give you credit though, it is an interesting mix, but this story comes off as totally weird and trying to make some random comment about society. What's does all that mean? This story makes no sense! However I don't think it was supposed to. I'm not surprised, it's written by someone named Xoggoth. The Greek Pokemon type characters were sort of funny and the line about the Buddha crapping his pants made me laugh, so I guess this was a worthwhile read. " -- Steven.


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February 2004

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